Be the Envy of the Upper East Side

Get your square watermelon today!

These totally unnecessary items are only $75.00 each and available wherever obscenely wealthy people might actually spend that much on something worth $3.00--New York, Germany, the Netherlands, and Japan.

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Headline of the Year?

Man Hits 5 Chinese Kids With Hammer, Burns Himself to Death

BEIJING — A farmer attacked kindergarten students with a hammer, injuring five, before burning himself to death Friday in China's third such assault in as many days and prompting the government to demand stricter school security nationwide.

Wang Yonglai used a motorcycle to break down the gate of the Shangzhuang Primary School in the eastern city of Weifang and struck a teacher who tried to block him before hitting students with the hammer, the official Xinhua News Agency said.

Wang then grabbed two children before pouring gasoline over his body and setting fire to himself. Teachers were able to pull the children away to safety, but Wang died. None of the five injured students had life-threatening injuries, Xinhua said.

The attack was confirmed by an employee at the Weifang Public Security information office. But the motive for Wang's rampage was unclear. Xinhua described him only as a local farmer.

The hammer attack follows a rampage Thursday by a 47-year-old unemployed man armed with an eight-inch (20-centimeter) knife at a kindergarten. Some 29 students, aged 4 or 5 years old, were wounded, five of them seriously at the school in Taixing city in neighboring Jiangsu province.

And on Wednesday, a 33-year-old former teacher broke into a primary school in the city of Leizhou in southern Guangdong province and wounded 15 students and a teacher with a knife. The attacker had been on sick leave from another school since 2006 for mental health problems.

In all, there have been five such attacks on schools in just over a month and many more in preceding months and years – although gun crime and other extreme violence in China is comparatively rare. Sociologists suspect the recent school rampages – usually by lone, male attackers – could be copycat actions.

According to news reports, the latest attacks have prompted schools in various parts of the country to take action. In a district of southern Nanjing City, guards will be armed from Saturday with police batons and pepper spray. In Beijing's Xicheng district, guards at kindergarten, elementary and middle schools have been given long-handled metal restraint poles with a hook on the end. In eastern Jinan city, police posts are being built on elementary and middle schools' campuses.

In an editorial Friday, the English-language China Daily said that security should be tightened, but stressed the need to prevent attacks in the first place.

"It can be easy to put killers on trial and execute them but it is far more difficult to find out the deep-seated causes behind such horrifying acts. Our efforts should be focused on preventing these from happening," it said. "We should find out what propelled them to such extremes. What problems do they have? Could anyone have helped, especially the authorities?"

Accounts in China's state media have largely glossed over what motivates attackers, but experts say outbursts against the defenseless are frequently due to social pressures. An egalitarian society only a generation ago, China's headlong rush to prosperity has sharpened differences between the rich and poor, while the public health system has atrophied.

China likely has about 173 million adults with mental health disorders, and 158 million of them have never had professional help, according to a mental health survey in four provinces jointly done by Chinese and U.S. doctors that was published in the medical journal The Lancet in June.

(courtesy Huffington Post)

I know guns are expensive and difficult to acquire (outside the U.S.), but it can't be that hard to locate a sharp object for a little throat-slitting when circumstances call for it. Burning himself alive? Such pageantry!

I wonder if it will be enough for him to win this year's Craziest Local Farmer trophy, although there seems to be an impressive amount of competition out there lately...

Last year's top three entrants eagerly awaiting the final vote-tally

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Wow--I Never Would Have Guessed...

...that so many old white men (and four old white women, to get those affirmative action cunts off their backs) would be such self-serving greedy little pricks and refuse to even discuss reforming the rapists on Wall Street.

I bet there was a run on Viagra and prostitutes in DC this afternoon--and they're pretty well-stocked out there--as all the Wall Street lobbyists' assistants furiously stocked the C Street House for tonight's celebratory jag-off party.

By the way, can anyone score me a ticket to that?

I would love to keep a tally of how many times I overhear the $5000/night escorts ask "Is it in me yet?" as I pace the upstairs (fraternity) hallway pretending to be on the phone with my broker in Tokyo. It may be immature and pointless, but hey--if they are going to eagerly continue the ruination of my country, the least they can do is provide me with a few dozen chuckles tonight.

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Sexy Apartment

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Cuz Why Not?

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Pete Campbell Is a Weirdo

"I don't have a toilet at the moment. My house is just a wooden box. I mean I am planning to get a toilet at some point. But for now I have to go to the neighbours. I threw it all out."

So...it's not using a toilet that is the problem, it's...owning one?

I understand Mr. Campbell's desire to free himself from material goods, but I would hardly equate owning a toilet with excesses like Gucci pajamas, a personal chef, a flat-screen TV in every room, or a car collection, which makes me wonder if perhaps Campbell is a bit confused.

And so I offer him some advice, free of charge:

"It's just a place to put your shit! Literally! Now get off your high horse and put one in your house. It will make you a bit more like the rest of us, sure, but not by much, so stop worrying about that, you unique little creepazoid."

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Are we not already?

Theoretical physicist and stater-of-the-obvious Stephen Hawking recently informed the people of Earth that they should be afraid of aliens.

Viz:

World renowned scientist Stephen Hawking believes extraterrestrial life almost certainly exists -- and humans should be extremely cautious about interacting with it.

He suggests that aliens might simply raid Earth for its resources and then move on:

"We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet. I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach."

He concludes that trying to make contact with alien races is "a little too risky". He said: "If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn't turn out very well for the Native Americans."

(courtesy Huffington Post)

I mean, how many movies do we have to make/watch about this exact hypothetical situation before scientists understand that we get it?

I wish Stephen Hawking and his ilk would stop being so theoretical/theatrical and spend their time on more constructive endeavors, like inventing an alien-slaughtering death ray.

In other news, you should be afraid of snakes--very afraid:

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Y Ahora, El No Tiene Cajones--!!Literalmente!!

There are several reasons I decided not to become a bullfighter:

1. Torturing and killing an animal for fun is not cool.
2. Unless they also rub gasoline in the bullfighter's eyes, it's not really a fair fight.
3. The hideous uniforms make me look fat.
4. I don't have a death wish.
5. I value my groin above all. Above all!

And so, without further ado, a famous bullfighter getting gored in the groin by an angry 1100-pound bull with needles stuck into his testicles to make him more lively:



Talk about getting your just desserts! I hope his penis is broken forever and he has to continue his love life with a stand-in, a la Farinelli, the famous castrato.

By the way, have you ever seen a drawing of a flaccid penis onscreen for that long?

Way to go, Mexico!

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Fat Friday, Vol.6

Happy eating this weekend!

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Sex-starved Executive Cocksmen

SEC Headquarters, Washington

This just in:

WASHINGTON — Senior staffers at the Securities and Exchange Commission spent hours surfing pornographic websites on government-issued computers while they were being paid to police the financial system, an agency watchdog says.

The memo was first reported Thursday evening by ABC News. It summarizes past inspector general probes and reports some shocking findings:

_ A senior attorney at the SEC's Washington headquarters spent up to eight hours a day looking at and downloading pornography. When he ran out of hard drive space, he burned the files to CDs or DVDs, which he kept in boxes around his office. He agreed to resign, an earlier watchdog report said.

_ An accountant was blocked more than 16,000 times in a month from visiting websites classified as "Sex" or "Pornography." Yet he still managed to amass a collection of "very graphic" material on his hard drive by using Google images to bypass the SEC's internal filter, according to an earlier report from the inspector general. The accountant refused to testify in his defense, and received a 14-day suspension.

_ Seventeen of the employees were "at a senior level," earning salaries of up to $222,418.

_ The number of cases jumped from two in 2007 to 16 in 2008. The cracks in the financial system emerged in mid-2007 and spread into full-blown panic by the fall of 2008.

(courtesy Associated Press)

Employees at many large corporations are not able to log into Facebook or browse websites with foul language on them, but employees at the SEC have no problem getting away with surfing porn sites for eight hours a day?

Setting aside that grossly imbalanced situation, who looks at porn for eight hours a day? Who can even tolerate that kind of torture/self-abuse?

Or maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way, and this is all some kind of tragic side-effect of taxpayer-funded, mandatory Viagra prescriptions for government employees with decreasing libido? I suppose it's possible...

Have you ever seen so much porn?

The real question here, however, is that if you are spending your entire eight-hour workday watching porn, why is there also a need to store these movies/images on your hard drive?

Are you planning on re-watching them in the future? When would you have time for that when you are constantly searching for new material?

Are you saving up a stockpile for retirement, when your measly $150,000/yr pension kicks in and you won't be able to afford an internet connection?

Or are you planning on opening a library for your fellow SEC pornaholics?

Either way, you are stupid, sad, and depressing on so many levels--drown yourself in the Potomac!

After bequeathing your life's work to your 14-year-old nephew, of course...

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The Devil Is Just Too Clever

Re-posted from FoxNews.com, of all places:

7,500 Online Shoppers Unknowingly Sold Their Souls

A computer game retailer revealed that it legally owns the souls of thousands of online shoppers, thanks to a clause in the terms and conditions agreed to by online shoppers.

The retailer, British firm GameStation, added the "immortal soul clause" to the contract signed before making any online purchases earlier this month. It states that customers grant the company the right to claim their soul.

"By placing an order via this Web site on the first day of the fourth month of the year 2010 Anno Domini, you agree to grant Us a non transferable option to claim, for now and for ever more, your immortal soul. Should We wish to exercise this option, you agree to surrender your immortal soul, and any claim you may have on it, within 5 (five) working days of receiving written notification from gamesation.co.uk or one of its duly authorised minions."

GameStation's form also points out that "we reserve the right to serve such notice in 6 (six) foot high letters of fire, however we can accept no liability for any loss or damage caused by such an act. If you a) do not believe you have an immortal soul, b) have already given it to another party, or c) do not wish to grant Us such a license, please click the link below to nullify this sub-clause and proceed with your transaction."

The terms of service were updated on April Fool's Day as a gag, but the retailer did so to make a very real point: No one reads the online terms and conditions of shopping, and companies are free to insert whatever language they want into the documents.

While all shoppers during the test were given a simple tick box option to opt out, very few did this, which would have also rewarded them with a £5 voucher, according to news:lite. Due to the number of people who ticked the box, GameStation claims believes as many as 88 percent of people do not read the terms and conditions of a Web site before they make a purchase.

The company noted that it would not be enforcing the ownership rights, and planned to e-mail customers nullifying any claim on their soul.

Hahahahaha...except it's true, suckers! You will actually burn in hell for eternity! It's that easy!

I mean, we should all know by now that the Devil thrives on fine print--have you not seen that wonderfully informative documentary, Bedazzled?

My advice to those 7,500 saps is thus: fornicate with impunity, for your fate hath been sealed.

My advice to the rest of the world: ditto.

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Walt Disney is My Surrealist Father

I totally see the resemblance

Had to re-post this bit of brilliant drivel I read on Videogum today:

At today’s Sorcerer’s Apprentice press conference, someone asked [Nicholas] Cage how he chooses whether to go way over the top (like in Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call, New Orleans) or hold back (like in Adaptation.) And he responded:

"Thank you for noticing, because first of all, it’s difficult to talk about the work, right? Because when you talk about the work, it’s kind of stupid because the work speaks for itself. I don’t want to name it, because when you name it, if you name it then it loses its mystery. If I tell you exactly what I was thinking, or what I was up to – and I have been guilty of that – then you lose your secret connection with the work of art. And I digress, but I went on Dick Cavett many years ago and met Miles Davis. And I was talking about things like art synthesis and Picasso and you can do with acting what he did, or with music, and Miles came out and he got it, you know, he was looking at me, he gave me this, like – he nodded and he winked at me. Miles Davis, you know. And we were sharing the trumpet. And ever since then, because he accepted whatever my philosophy was, I believe that I wanted to approach acting as jazz. And so he became like a surrealist father of sorts, along with Walt Disney. And I thought, 'Okay. Well, this time, I’m going to just let anything come out, whatever it may be. Like Bad Lieutenant, you know. But sometimes, it’s really thought out and constructed and carefully thought out, like Adaptation. So I always like to mix it up."

(Read the full article here)

The most amazing thing about this is that a person actually said it, with no intention of being funny.

The most disappointing aspect of it is that Cage's rambling monologue about "art synthesis and Picasso" is not readily available for me to listen to and laugh at.

Anybody out there got a bootleg Dick Cavett box set? I'm looking in your direction, Charles Grodin...

Stop hittin' on my chick and get me my shit, Beethoven!
Where I come from, we don't share trumpets...

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Haven't You Always Wanted to Look Like an Old Crone from the '80s?

Well, it's time to finally do something about it! Free parking!


The Knowledge:

Advertisements are supposed to make your product look tempting.

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The Dark Side of the Home Video Paradigm Shift

First Portable Video Camera: Ampex VR-3000 Portable Quadruplex VTR (1967)

There is a reason most people should never be allowed to operate a video camera, and this is it:



There is so much to love/hate here, but I think one of the best moments is when the clowns go to their "favorite restaurant" and it is clearly the employee break room at whatever shit-factory the lead singer/producer/director/lyricist/composer/lead clown works.

What, Silly Sally the Clown couldn't use her clowny charms to convince the who-gives-a-shit manager at some Little Caesar's in Podunk Fucksville to let her pop-off one measly shot in a place where people actually consume hot food? I mean, it's not like they planned on setting up any lights or doing anything too serious!

Or maybe it wasn't authenticity they were after here...


That being said, if you are going to go to all the trouble of composing and recording a song in your laundry room on a Casio keyboard, you should make sure to follow through on that bitch by figuring out a way to convince the clowns starring in your music video to show at least one iota of enthusiasm when the camera rolls.

Otherwise, you might as well throw that $16 budget down the toilet, spend the weekend watching Home Improvement re-runs, and leave the video production to the professionals.


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The World's Most Uncomfortable Green Room?

Pedophilia has been in the news a lot these days, thanks to those pervy Catholics, and I feel it is my duty to take this opportunity to warn you all that pedophilia does not always happen behind closed doors or confessional curtains--sometimes it goes on right in front of your eyes, on national television.



Just Like Mom was the longest-running game show in Canadian history, even though it was only on the air for six seasons (How quaint!-Ed.).

The last five seasons were hosted by famed Toronto Blue Jays announcer Fergie Olver, who was the husband (now divorced) of the show's creator, Catherine Swing--which is an unfortunate name, considering what follows (Zing! -Ed.).

Now, I am the first to admit that I don't know much about Mr. Olver--including whether or not he is still alive--but that is only because his wikipedia profile has been deleted and scouring the internet has mysteriously (?) turned up no leads.

Most likely that is a result of his camp's reaction to the following video, which no doubt has made life extraordinarily difficult for Mr. Olver, if he is still alive:



Keep in mind that this is what happened when he knew the cameras were on.

What happened backstage after the show? What happened during casting sessions? What happened when he took the winning kids to Walt Disney World?

If anything more sinister ever happened besides these televised kisses, I hope he died a painful death, bled dry as a result of repeated slashes of his penis with a dull, rusted knife wielded by a vengeful victim.


Can you believe the good people of Canada let this go on for so long? Did they think it was cute that it seems all Fergie was after was a kiss on the lips from little girls?

I mean, I know it was 'a different era' and this is a heavily-edited video, but still--if an unwanted kiss happened even once it would be worth mentioning, and that is clearly not the case.

Hmmmm...methinks once again, as with 'the Catholic situation,' the rise of the military-industrial complex, the lip-service of modern-day politicians, real-estate speculation, the health-care situation, Social-Security raiding, and the current omnipotence of guilt-free corporations, previous generations were asleep at the wheel and future generations must pay the price.

So sad...

(Thanks to Videogum, btw, for introducing me to this ass-clown!)

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Gwyneth Paltrow Is Unhappy With Her Body

Ever the trend-setter--just another side effect of her unstoppable genius--the lovely Gwyneth decided to leapfrog all those plastic surgery fools and go straight to the cutting-edge shit.

Since her legs were getting "icky," she decided to just cut them off and have a couple anatomically-correct, scientifically-miraculous, animatronic legs attached in their place.

Expect the blindingly-glossy sheen to be cut way down with the upcoming second generation.

Until then, for your own safety, please try to avoid looking directly at Mrs. Paltrow's legs--especially if you are operating heavy machinery in her vicinity. Her legal defense fund will thank you.

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This Is What a Douchebag Looks Like

Ventral view

Dorsal view

I wonder who would win in a douche-off--Mr. CooL ICE or the Governor of California.

Before becoming Governor, Herr Schwarzenegger used to freeze things for a living

I'd say the odds are 50/50, considering these days Arnold walks around like his entire body is broken, and as long as the proceeds went to a charity that didn't spend 90% of their donations on operating costs, I'd sure buy a front-row seat.

Does Don King still do this shit? If so, give that motherfucker a call for me...

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Hollywood 2.0

In light of the dearth of originality that continues to plague Hollywood these days, here are five movies that will probably be made in my lifetime:


Real Housewives of Superheroes
What happens on the home-front is even more fantastic, in this out-of-this-world comedy from Robert Zemeckis.


He's Just Not That Into Your Mom
Cougartown meets The Graduate, as Taylor Lautner must fend off a feisty Diane Keaton in his quest to win the heart of her daughter, Taylor Swift.


Back to Back to the Future: 3D
An obese movie nerd/computer geek (Jonah Hill) accidentally finds himself inside the 1985 cinema classic and hilarity ensues as he tries to cover his bumbling tracks without blowing it for Marty and Co.


Twitter: The Movie
Meg Ryan discovers that love really is blind when she discovers her number-one-follower-cum-love-interest is none other than Taylor Lautner, who happens to run a rival flower shop in idyllic Martha's Vineyard.


2 Many Jessicas
On the eve of his wedding day, Jonah Hill is forced to choose between Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel.


Since I am nothing but a whore, I promise not to slam these movies when they ultimately hit the megamultiplex--as long as I get 2% of the gross.


Dessert:

Dances With Wolves to Become a Broadway Musical!
(and remember--The Onion AV Club is not fake news)
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WOW.

Not sure what this site is all about, but it's where I found that...thing...above...

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The Religious Trap

If pedophilia happens, doesn't that mean that it was God's will, as people so often say when tragedy strikes, since he is omnipresent and omnipotent?

If that is the case, then isn't there nothing we can do about it, since judgment is His job and not that of a mere mortal?

Also, as long as the guilty pervert priests confess, aren't they absolved of their sins and granted entry into heaven?

It's enough to make your fucking brain explode trying to make sense of religion...


Dessert:

Evidently, I'm not the only one with some of these questions...

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