The World's Most Uncomfortable Green Room?

Pedophilia has been in the news a lot these days, thanks to those pervy Catholics, and I feel it is my duty to take this opportunity to warn you all that pedophilia does not always happen behind closed doors or confessional curtains--sometimes it goes on right in front of your eyes, on national television.



Just Like Mom was the longest-running game show in Canadian history, even though it was only on the air for six seasons (How quaint!-Ed.).

The last five seasons were hosted by famed Toronto Blue Jays announcer Fergie Olver, who was the husband (now divorced) of the show's creator, Catherine Swing--which is an unfortunate name, considering what follows (Zing! -Ed.).

Now, I am the first to admit that I don't know much about Mr. Olver--including whether or not he is still alive--but that is only because his wikipedia profile has been deleted and scouring the internet has mysteriously (?) turned up no leads.

Most likely that is a result of his camp's reaction to the following video, which no doubt has made life extraordinarily difficult for Mr. Olver, if he is still alive:



Keep in mind that this is what happened when he knew the cameras were on.

What happened backstage after the show? What happened during casting sessions? What happened when he took the winning kids to Walt Disney World?

If anything more sinister ever happened besides these televised kisses, I hope he died a painful death, bled dry as a result of repeated slashes of his penis with a dull, rusted knife wielded by a vengeful victim.


Can you believe the good people of Canada let this go on for so long? Did they think it was cute that it seems all Fergie was after was a kiss on the lips from little girls?

I mean, I know it was 'a different era' and this is a heavily-edited video, but still--if an unwanted kiss happened even once it would be worth mentioning, and that is clearly not the case.

Hmmmm...methinks once again, as with 'the Catholic situation,' the rise of the military-industrial complex, the lip-service of modern-day politicians, real-estate speculation, the health-care situation, Social-Security raiding, and the current omnipotence of guilt-free corporations, previous generations were asleep at the wheel and future generations must pay the price.

So sad...

(Thanks to Videogum, btw, for introducing me to this ass-clown!)

_

Oh, My Garsh--They're Drinkin' at the Olympics!

Confidential:
The legendary, quadrennial Olympic Games has a dark side and it is really, really dark.

As countless reporters/teetotalers have noted recently, the Winter Olympics were a veritable orgy of booze and sex and endorphins.

Viz:

- 100,000 condoms were distributed in the Olympic Village, for 7,000 athletes and trainers/coaches.

- A US bronze medalist was sent home for getting photographed 'disrespecting' a medal by sticking it in a girl's mouth as if it was his dick, which is, most likely, the exact same punishment he would have received if it actually was his dick, which is funny to think about. Should have!

- The IOC is investigating the fact that the Canadian women's hockey team drank beer/champagne and smoked cigars on the ice after their victory over the only other team in the competition, let's be honest.

As if that wasn't enough to make you laugh, check this out:

Two minutes. That's all it took for an intoxicated Canadian to start badgering me. On Friday evening, I was on my way to Vancouver's Waterfront Station to catch a train to Robson Square, the downtown area filled with bars, restaurants and nightclubs that was sure to get a little wild if Canada beat Slovakia in the men's hockey semifinals. A young man wearing a red hockey jersey and red paint on both cheeks staggered over to me as I walked toward the station. "Hey, how do you f______ get downtown?" he asked slowly, putting his hand on my shoulder.

I wriggled free and pointed toward the proper train. "F___ yeah, I'm coming with you," he said. Terrific. As I walked, and he stumbled, into the station, he yelled "Woooooo!" at disturbed passersby. We got on the train, and he turned his glazed eyes toward me and said he was meeting friends. "Want to come with me?" he asked. Um, no thanks.

The city of Vancouver and the ski village of Whistler are terrific hosts for these Olympic Games. The air is clean, the public transit is scarily efficient, and the harbors, with snowcapped mountains for a backdrop, are picturesque. Whistler, two hours to the north and home to the skiing, sliding and Nordic events, is a winter wonderland. But let's face it: if public intoxication were an Olympic sport, Vancouver and Whistler would own the podium.

I'm not saying this because of the photographs of a few Canadian female hockey players sipping champagne (and chugging Molson) on the ice after winning the gold medal. Those images, however, seem to encapsulate the spirit of the host country. Throughout the Olympics, drunken revelers have overrun the streets of Vancouver. Local hospitals are reporting spikes in emergency-room visits for alcohol-related sicknesses and injuries; most of the intoxicated patients are males between the ages of 15 and 24. In Whistler, the partyers have turned what should be a cozy village into rows of frat houses in need of soundproofing.

Yes, the mood is festive. And for the most part, law and order is being maintained. In Whistler, police have said arrests are lower than what they would typically be during New Year's Eve or, for that matter, your average rambunctious summer weekend. Still, while walking through downtown Vancouver after a long day's work, you can't help but think, These must be the drunkest Olympics ever.

Believe me, I'm no prude. But all the yelling and screaming and woo-wooing becomes grating. These are the fourth Olympics I've covered, and Vancouver drinks Athens, Torino and Beijing under the table. I asked a few journalists who have covered more Games than I have to rate Vancouver on the intoxication scale. Vahe Gregorian of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, who has covered eight Olympics, dating back to Atlanta in 1996, agreed with my chart-topping assessment. In reference to downtown Vancouver's main strip of nightclubs, he said, "Granville Street itself is unlike anything I've seen at an Olympics." And he noted that all the drinking has led to a lot of public urinating. "I've personally witnessed about 8 to 10 guys whizzing at once along a fence half a block off the main street," he said. "It's like the infield at the Kentucky Derby."

Bonnie D. Ford, who is covering the Games for ESPN.com, has been to every Winter Olympics since 1998 in Nagano, Japan. "There's no second place," she said when asked where Vancouver ranks on the booze barometer. (In fairness, you can pretty much strike from the debate Salt Lake City, the abstemious host of the 2002 Olympics.) Ford's hotel is near Granville Street, close enough for her to hear the "Can-a-da, Can-a-da" shouts at 3 a.m. "It's been a two-week tailgate," she said. "I've covered a lot of college football, and this is like the Dante's Inferno version of tailgating."

(courtesy Time.com)

The obvious question on every sane person's lips is...so? I know--you are confused. Why is this news, you ask yourselves.

Well, for those out there in the ether that talk to themselves every night before they go to sleep at 9pm, believe in magical beings, and don't understand what the word 'celebration' means, please read on, as I have provided some Helpful Information TM for you.


Helpful Information TM:

Fact--People who ski and snowboard generally drink more than people who run track and field. I know--I've seen it firsthand and these guys are 5'10' 210lbs for more than one good reason (they drink, gravity helps you get downhill faster). That being said, fans of skiing and snowboarding also drink more than fans of long-jump...not sure why, but that is the case. Scientists have proven it.

Fact--Vancouver has more people than Salt Lake City and Torino combined.

Fact--People in Vancouver are more into partying than people in Salt Lake City, Torino, Atlanta, Athens, and Beijing. Love it or hate it, it's indelibly part of the laid-back, outdoor-enthusiast culture.

Fact--The games aren't often in North America, so our binge drinkers are more prominent in these games. Mostly that is the fault of the puritanical United States--if the age limit wasn't 21 and parents weren't so black-or-white on the alcohol issue, our citizens would learn from an early age to be more responsible. Look at Europe! [But not Britain--something in the blood over there... -Ed.] Similarly, marijuana is semi-legal in Holland and the only people who have a problem with it are the tourists who come in from elsewhere and get fucked-up (mostly the Brits); your average Dutch person doesn't even smoke weed--they just think people should be able to, although they are changing their minds on the issue thanks to the ridiculously excessive Brits.

Fact--There is nothing wrong with chugging a beer and drinking champagne after you just won a gold medal. If the media thinks it sets a bad example, they can turn the cameras off--I'm sure there's always some figure skating going on somewhere...

Fact--There is no way there was more drunkenness in Vancouver than there was in Sydney in 2000, which I notice wasn't discussed at all in that Time.com article. Australia is a country, after all, that measures distances in the Northern Territory not in kilometers, as you might expect, but in the number of cans of beer you would consume if you chugged one right after the other, with no breaks, as you drive from Point A to Point B.

Example: "How far to the next roadhouse?" "Ahhh...case and a half."

Coincidentally, they also have the highest rate of alcoholism in the world. I was in Australia during the end of the games in 2000 and met many Canadians (oddly enough) who moved down there to party for an entire year; there were also many Dutch, German, English who did the same. Needless to say, even months after the games had ended, there were tons of people from all over the world getting fucked up every night all over the city and most of these people were only there because of the Olympics (and the convenient fact that Commonwealth/EU residents could stay for up to 1 year, while Yanks were only allowed 3 months). Perhaps the fact that Sydney is TWICE THE SIZE of sprawling Los Angeles helped keep the teetotaler journalists out of the thickness of it all?

Reactions:

- "Oh. My. God."

- "WHY ARE ALL THESE YOUNG, SEXY PEOPLE DRINKING AND FUCKING!!! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!!! OR MAYBE I JUST CAN'T TOLERATE IT BECAUSE I'M UGLY AND BORING?"

- [Yawn]

Developing...

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Don't Fuck With a Canadian Donut Store Franchisee

Get a load of this stupid shit that went down in Canada recently, eh:

A coffee enthusiast in St. Andrews, N.B., has learned the customer may not always be right.

After complaining three times about "burnt" decaffeinated coffee at the local Tim Hortons, Jimmy Craig is now banned for life from that outlet and the one in nearby St. Stephen.

"It was like brown, burnt water," said Craig. "I almost, you know, got sick in the sink."

Craig said he voiced his concerns to the store manager and corporate office, then got a meeting with the owner, Edwin Dow.

That's when Dow served Craig with a letter banning him under the province's trespass act.

Craig has contacted a lawyer to try to get the ban overturned.

Meanwhile, he can only return to the Tim Hortons if he's on the job as a paramedic, responding to a medical emergency.

So he's brewing his own coffee at home, which, he said, is cheaper and always fresh.

(full text of article here)

First of all, no coffee enthusiast drinks DECAF, much less decaf from a shitty donut shop. That would be like calling a guy who drink O'Doul's a beer aficionado.

Second of all, Jimmy Craig, if the coffee sucks...why do you care if they ban you from their store? Do you want to keep buying/drinking shitty coffee? Is the local Tim Hortons where girls go to get picked up by overweight middle-aged men?

I don't get it.

_

What Does It Take to Become a Woman?

In these trying times, which are so trying for everybody but rich people, oil companies, and Norwegians, it is easy to forget how simple life can be sometimes.

For example, ever wonder how a little girl becomes a woman?

Well, chuckle-chuckle, it doesn't happen overnight, I assure you.

In fact, according to scientists, the process takes years. Those lovable little females go through such subtle changes it can sometimes be hard for the layman to notice through that delightful parental beer/white-zinfandel haze.

Yet, at the same time, the journey itself, refined over millennia by a mythical overlord, is deceptively simple and can be broken down into easily-identifiable stages.

Leave it to the Canadians to figure it out!

The Stages of Womanhood

Age 5-6 ------- Sparks
Oh, look at the babies with their blankets!

Age 7-8 ------- Brownies
So hot right now.

Age 9-11 ------- Guides
This is when most of the pretty girls disappear.

Age 12-14 ----- Pathfinders

Too ugly/unfriendly to get any closer, which is fine.

Age 15-17+ ---- Rangers
Total loss of fashion sense, bodily coordination, and hope.

Age 18+ ------- Women!
Finally, the life they've always dreamed of!

Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself!
_

Fruit Machines Are For Wankers...

Stumbled upon the following funny item while reading up on the history of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police on wikipedia.org:


"Following the 1945 defection of Soviet cipher clerk, Igor Gouzenko and his revelations of espionage, the RCMP Security Service implemented measures to screen out 'subversive' elements from the public sector. What began as a perceived need to create a bulwark against communism had, by the 1950s, been extended to homosexuality because homosexual acts were illegal, considered a sign of “character weakness,” and because the KGB could use it to blackmail civil servants into revealing state secrets.

"Scores of people were fired as part of this campaign, which included the development of a 'fruit machine.' This machine was based on the premise that changes in pupil dilation when viewing beefcake photos of nude men would scientifically determine whether or not a test subject was gay.

"After four years, the machine failed to produce results, and the program was discontinued."


I now ask the Canadian Government the following questions:

1. Really?
2. Really?
3. Four years?
4. How do you know it 'failed to produce results?' Did the machine say the man wasn't gay, but then he demanded to give you a blow job? Or did the machine keep saying you were gay and it was, therefore, 'wrong?'
5. Where can I get one of these fruit machines? I'd love to continue the research, for the sake of science.