The Devil Is Just Too Clever

Re-posted from FoxNews.com, of all places:

7,500 Online Shoppers Unknowingly Sold Their Souls

A computer game retailer revealed that it legally owns the souls of thousands of online shoppers, thanks to a clause in the terms and conditions agreed to by online shoppers.

The retailer, British firm GameStation, added the "immortal soul clause" to the contract signed before making any online purchases earlier this month. It states that customers grant the company the right to claim their soul.

"By placing an order via this Web site on the first day of the fourth month of the year 2010 Anno Domini, you agree to grant Us a non transferable option to claim, for now and for ever more, your immortal soul. Should We wish to exercise this option, you agree to surrender your immortal soul, and any claim you may have on it, within 5 (five) working days of receiving written notification from gamesation.co.uk or one of its duly authorised minions."

GameStation's form also points out that "we reserve the right to serve such notice in 6 (six) foot high letters of fire, however we can accept no liability for any loss or damage caused by such an act. If you a) do not believe you have an immortal soul, b) have already given it to another party, or c) do not wish to grant Us such a license, please click the link below to nullify this sub-clause and proceed with your transaction."

The terms of service were updated on April Fool's Day as a gag, but the retailer did so to make a very real point: No one reads the online terms and conditions of shopping, and companies are free to insert whatever language they want into the documents.

While all shoppers during the test were given a simple tick box option to opt out, very few did this, which would have also rewarded them with a £5 voucher, according to news:lite. Due to the number of people who ticked the box, GameStation claims believes as many as 88 percent of people do not read the terms and conditions of a Web site before they make a purchase.

The company noted that it would not be enforcing the ownership rights, and planned to e-mail customers nullifying any claim on their soul.

Hahahahaha...except it's true, suckers! You will actually burn in hell for eternity! It's that easy!

I mean, we should all know by now that the Devil thrives on fine print--have you not seen that wonderfully informative documentary, Bedazzled?

My advice to those 7,500 saps is thus: fornicate with impunity, for your fate hath been sealed.

My advice to the rest of the world: ditto.

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Lifetime Bullshit Artist Has a Lot to Say About Bullshit, Suddenly

It being a Wednesday evening, as I lapped my customary spot of cream from my St. Nicholas saucer and caught up on my religious propaganda, I couldn't help but notice that the Vatican's chief exorcist has declared, in no uncertain terms, that the Devil is about--in the Vatican hallways, no less!

Frightened nearly to death, probably by the Devil himself, I quickly regained my wits and closed all my windows, bolted my front door, lit a few pumpkin-scented candles, crawled under my desk, and smoked a joint the size of your leg.

As my beautiful bloodshot eyes crossed back and forth, and the Lord protected me from within, I read these horrible words over and over, hoping with every fiber of my being that they were false:

Sex abuse scandals in the Roman Catholic Church are proof that that "the Devil is at work inside the Vatican", according to the Holy See's chief exorcist.

Father Gabriele Amorth, 85, who has been the Vatican's chief exorcist for 25 years and says he has dealt with 70,000 cases of demonic possession, said that the consequences of satanic infiltration included power struggles at the Vatican as well as "cardinals who do not believe in Jesus, and bishops who are linked to the Demon".

He claimed that another example of satanic behaviour was the Vatican "cover-up" over the deaths in 1998 of Alois Estermann, the then commander of the Swiss Guard, his wife and Corporal Cedric Tornay, a Swiss Guard, who were all found shot dead. "They covered up everything immediately," he said. "Here one sees the rot".

Father Amorth told La Repubblica that the devil was "pure spirit, invisible. But he manifests himself with blasphemies and afflictions in the person he possesses. He can remain hidden, or speak in different languages, transform himself or appear to be agreeable. At times he makes fun of me."

He said it sometimes took six or seven of his assistants to to hold down a possessed person. Those possessed often yelled and screamed and spat out nails or pieces of glass, which he kept in a bag. "Anything can come out of their mouths – finger-length pieces of iron, but also rose petals."

(courtesy TimesOnline)

Oh, Mylanta! Well, if ole Gabe had a Ziploc bag full of rocks and glass and little pieces of metal, then it must be true that the Devil exists and spat them out of people's mouths behind closed doors.

Right? Why would a priest ever lie?

More to the point, however, is that this guy is still working for the Vatican, still working...for the Devil?


Gabey-baby seems to be so close to a fantastic epiphany here--so close!--yet seemingly fearful of that last delirious step toward heaven on Earth.

He must be a gambler playing the odds, figuring he will be dead shortly (he's 85 for Christ's fucking sake), hoping he was right all this time, that his life wasn't an utter catastrophe, that he'll be able to confidently tell St. Peter he wasn't part of this whole "Catholic clergy sinning like the Devil and loving it" thing that's been going on, like, forever, and that he even deplored it on the record (maybe he'll have a clipping stuffed under his tongue for proof? And a Snickers bar in his ass for St. Peter?). Maybe he'll still be able to get into heaven.

If he's wrong, well, he'll soon be worm-food either way, so who cares. Right?

I'm totally okay with that, I guess, as I firmly believe the pleasures of an 85 year-old Catholic priest are best left to the imagination.


My main concern, as a red-blooded, freedom-loving American, is how this news will affect the stock market. Oh, wait--despite the fact that billions of souls are at stake here, it won't affect it at all.

Do you know what that proves? Religion is irrelevant.

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NOW it all makes sense...

As flashes of lightning burst through the dense gray sky, basso profundo blasts of thunder roll for minutes on end, and rain dumps down from the heavens, everything has suddenly come into focus.

Clearly, Los Angeles made a pact with the Devil many years ago--in order to expel the ugly people and achieve maximum sexiness--and the Devil has finally come back for his.

I mean, what else could explain a deliciously heavy rain? Or an earthquake?

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