The Religious Trap

If pedophilia happens, doesn't that mean that it was God's will, as people so often say when tragedy strikes, since he is omnipresent and omnipotent?

If that is the case, then isn't there nothing we can do about it, since judgment is His job and not that of a mere mortal?

Also, as long as the guilty pervert priests confess, aren't they absolved of their sins and granted entry into heaven?

It's enough to make your fucking brain explode trying to make sense of religion...


Dessert:

Evidently, I'm not the only one with some of these questions...

_

Sometimes Atheists Make Me So Proud...

Two prominent British atheists--Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens--have huddled up with their lawyers and plan to make the case that The Fucking Pope should be arrested when he visits the UK.

For what? Crimes against humanity, for his part in the cover-up of Catholic Church Inc's heavenly history of sex-abuse.

Now, I am not naive enough to think this plan will actually work out the way it should, but I love the fact that we finally live in an age where somebody is trying--publicly--to shake the plebians out of their delusional slumber and slash a chunk of flesh off the arrogant church monster.

How great are these two dudes? Check this out:

Last month Dawkins wrote a scathing article for the Washington Post in which he called the pope:

A leering old villain in a frock, who spent decades conspiring behind closed doors for the position he now holds; a man who believes he is infallible and acts the part; a man whose preaching of scientific falsehood is responsible for the deaths of countless AIDS victims in Africa; a man whose first instinct when his priests are caught with their pants down is to cover up the scandal and damn the young victims to silence.

Hitchens told the Sunday Times of London: "This man is not above or outside the law. The institutionalized concealment of child rape is a crime under any law and demands not private ceremonies of repentance or church-funded payoffs, but justice and punishment."

"A leering old villain in frock." Huzzah!

And on a related note, check this out, also courtesy of HuffPo:

A prominent Old Testament scholar has resigned from a professorial position after he was recorded on video endorsing evolution.

Until several days ago, Bruce K. Waltke was a professor at Florida's Reformed Theological Seminary. But after the school found out about his video blog (the video has since been removed at Waltke's request) on the website of the BioLogos Foundation, which promotes harmony between science and theology, he lost his job.

According to several people who saw the video, Waltke said that Christianity's continued denial of evolution will "make [them] a cult."

Circle the wagons, religion, cuz the word is out--you're a cult!

It's no big surprise, I'm sure, but I take great satisfaction in the knowledge that at some point in the future, the religions of today will be as reviled as the pagans of yore. To each era of humanity their own, I guess.

Speaking of, I wonder what the future religions will be like...robots that smile beatifically as they grab you by the throat and squeeze until you swipe a credit card through a magnetized slit in their crotch?

Why not, right?

_

Gamebreaker: The Pope is an Asshole

Not like this is a surprise to anybody with half a brain in this day and age--except people who cover their ears and babble incoherently whenever reality threatens their spiritual core, of course--but the Pope is complicit in the cover-up of years upon years of admitted sexual abuse in multiple countries.

Say wha?

Yeah. Check out the latest. And, while you're at it, check out the dirt in Germany.

What will it take for people to abandon the Catholic faith? Does the Pope himself have to molest their child as he holds them down with a solid-gold scepter coated in blood diamonds and makes them watch?

Would that work? Or would it just be one more of those 'mysterious ways' in which God works?

Organized religion makes me so sick. I gotta stop this right now...


Too late.

_

I Mean...He COULD Have Been, Right? It's Not Like He Ever Had Sex With a Woman. Or Did He? Wait, Are You Avoiding the Question? Hello?

Perhaps as a return blow for being conspicuously absent on the Pope's list of the Ten Best Pop Albums of All Time, Elton John let him have it this week:

"I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems," John said in an interview posted on the website of US celebrity news magazine Parade.

"On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving. I don't know what makes people so cruel. Try being a gay woman in the Middle East -- you're as good as dead," said John, who is gay.

(courtesy Yahoo News/AFP)

The Pope responded with a brief comment uttered between naps on the expansive veranda of his opulent palace in Rome:

"You're probably right."

Kidding. The Pope didn't even realize Elton said this because his ears were inadvertently blocked for days when an avalanche of gold coins nearly buried him alive after a retaining wall in one of his numerous vaults gave way under the obscene load of charitable donations to the Catholic cause.

When staffers went to check on him during their weekly rounds and realized what had happened, they quickly rescued His Supreme Excellency, Ruler of Earth, from the eminently-avoidable catastrophe, but chose not to inform him of Sir Elton John's inflammatory speculation, lest their figurehead have a heart attack, which would necessitate another pesky search for a replacement bag of bones. Besides, why dignify that comment with a response, right? Right?

The Catholic League (the largest U.S. Catholic rights group, which, let's be frank, only exists because, goddamnit, the Catholic Church just can't get a fucking break...), however, was quick to respond:

"Jesus was certainly compassionate, but to say he was 'super-intelligent' is to compare the son of God to a successful game-show contestant," league president Bill Donohue said in a statement.

"More seriously, to call Jesus a homosexual is to label him a sexual deviant. But what else would we expect from a man who previously said, 'From my point of view, I would ban religion completely'?"

Huh. So...Jesus was not super-intelligent? Was he just 'kind of smart-ish, but regular' so as not to offend potential followers, who seem to only be drawn to the dumbest figureheads you can think of (Sarah Palin? Pat Robertson? Mitt Romney? George Bush?).

Also, "ban religion completely?" Did I need another reason to love this guy? No. Do I have one? Yes.

Long live the real King of Pop!

_

The Pope's P.R. Man is Cooler Than You Thought, But Still Lame

You can do whatever you want as long as you confess before you die, you'll never get into heaven unless you buy these indulgences, the Earth is flat and revolves around the sun, God built the world in six days, condoms cause AIDS, fish is the only meat that should be consumed on Friday, rock'n'roll is the Devil's music...the Catholic powers-that-be have said some really funny shit over the years.

Luckily for the meek, the Church always flip-flops once it's clear that all of its followers are disobeying them in secret and they can be sure there will be no push-back for suddenly changing God's opinion on things.

With that in mind, here are the Pope's Top 10 Pop Albums of All-Time, courtesy of L'Osservatore Romano, via The Guardian:

What can be learned from this list, aside from the fact that God likes lists to be ten items long and carved into stone tablets sitting in my bathroom?

- The Pope only listens to men playing music, specifically men from England/Ireland and the United States. Oh, yeah--and a Hispanic afterthought to quell the biggest Catholic base in the world.

- He has good taste (Graceland, Revolver) and bad taste (Achtung Baby, Rumours).

- He never liked Santana until he paired himself up with a series of douchebag Gringos (I'm looking at you, Dave Matthews and Rob Thomas!)

- The best pop music was recorded between 1966 (Beatles) and 1995 (Oasis), a bold statement that I'm sure Lady Gaga would love to vomit on, if only out of respect for Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly, Peter Bjorn and John, Of Montreal, and Elvis.

- Ray Davies, Pete Townshend, and Mick Jagger are peeing in the holy water at St. Peter's as we speak

- The Pope has a soft spot for albums that have sold a shit-ton of copies:
Thriller - 110 million
The Dark Side of the Moon - 45 million
Rumours - 40 million
Supernatural - 27 million
(What's the Story) Morning Glory - 22 million
Achtung Baby - 5.3 million (as of 2003)
Revolver - 5 million (as of 2003)
Graceland - 5 million (as of 2003)

Along with a couple dark horses from industry veterans, to appear interesting:
The Nightfly - 1 million+
If I Could Only Remember My Name - ?

Is any of this surprising? No. Does anybody really care? No. Will the Pope win any religious converts with this pandering list? No. Will any artist on this list experience a sudden increase in back-catalog album sales? Definitely.

I wonder if Catholic Church, Inc. has arranged for a cut of said album sales. I mean, come on, they're not idiots over there--let us not forget they've been running an international cult for almost two thousand years, own more real estate than you can fathom, and made a $9 billion profit in 2001 alone.

Developing...

_

Six--Six--Six Things I Learned About Catholicism Today (While Occasionally Stuttering)

1. In the 1800s, the image of Pope Leo XIII appeared on posters for Vin Mariani, a wine with cocaine and a precursor to Coca-Cola. The pope honored the drink with a medal to show his appreciation for its effervescence.

2. Fanatical young male followers of the Pope are known as Papaboys.

3. The washing machine liberated Western women.

4. God is totally cool with a guy who raped his 9 year-old stepdaughter for three years straight--but not cool with her getting an abortion to save her life.

5. The Pope loves the Simpsons.

6. Cory Burnell wants to set up a Christian nation within the United States where abortion is illegal, gay marriage is banned, schools cannot teach evolution, children can pray to Jesus in public schools, and the Ten Commandments are posted publicly.

To that end, Burnell, 29, left the Republican Party, moved from California and founded Christian Exodus two years ago with the goal of redirecting the United States by "redeeming" one state at a time.

First up for redemption is South Carolina.

Burnell hopes to move 2,500 Christians into the northern part of the state by next year and to persuade tens of thousands to relocate by 2016. His goal is to fill the state legislature with "Christian constitutionalists."

The organization, which claims about 1,000 members, held its first conference October 15-16 to promote its agenda. About 50 people from as far away as Ohio and Oregon attended.

(1+2+6 courtesy Godless Wonder)

Hmmm...really makes you think about joining the fold, eh?

_