The Devil Is Just Too Clever

Re-posted from FoxNews.com, of all places:

7,500 Online Shoppers Unknowingly Sold Their Souls

A computer game retailer revealed that it legally owns the souls of thousands of online shoppers, thanks to a clause in the terms and conditions agreed to by online shoppers.

The retailer, British firm GameStation, added the "immortal soul clause" to the contract signed before making any online purchases earlier this month. It states that customers grant the company the right to claim their soul.

"By placing an order via this Web site on the first day of the fourth month of the year 2010 Anno Domini, you agree to grant Us a non transferable option to claim, for now and for ever more, your immortal soul. Should We wish to exercise this option, you agree to surrender your immortal soul, and any claim you may have on it, within 5 (five) working days of receiving written notification from gamesation.co.uk or one of its duly authorised minions."

GameStation's form also points out that "we reserve the right to serve such notice in 6 (six) foot high letters of fire, however we can accept no liability for any loss or damage caused by such an act. If you a) do not believe you have an immortal soul, b) have already given it to another party, or c) do not wish to grant Us such a license, please click the link below to nullify this sub-clause and proceed with your transaction."

The terms of service were updated on April Fool's Day as a gag, but the retailer did so to make a very real point: No one reads the online terms and conditions of shopping, and companies are free to insert whatever language they want into the documents.

While all shoppers during the test were given a simple tick box option to opt out, very few did this, which would have also rewarded them with a £5 voucher, according to news:lite. Due to the number of people who ticked the box, GameStation claims believes as many as 88 percent of people do not read the terms and conditions of a Web site before they make a purchase.

The company noted that it would not be enforcing the ownership rights, and planned to e-mail customers nullifying any claim on their soul.

Hahahahaha...except it's true, suckers! You will actually burn in hell for eternity! It's that easy!

I mean, we should all know by now that the Devil thrives on fine print--have you not seen that wonderfully informative documentary, Bedazzled?

My advice to those 7,500 saps is thus: fornicate with impunity, for your fate hath been sealed.

My advice to the rest of the world: ditto.

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A New Low

As if that poster isn't enough to make you vomit uncontrollably for the rest of your life, check out this summary from 20th Century Fox:

Derek Thompson is 'The Tooth Fairy,' a hard-charging minor league hockey player whose nickname comes from his habit of separating opposing players from their bicuspids. When Derek discourages a youngster's hopes, he's sentenced to one week's hard labor as a real tooth fairy, complete with the requisite tutu, wings and magic wand. At first, Derek "can't handle the tooth" – bumbling and stumbling as he tries to furtively wing his way through strangers' homes…doing what tooth fairies do. But as Derek slowly adapts to his new position, he begins to rediscover his own forgotten dreams.

Now, I don't blame The Rock for taking the $15-20 million payday and not giving a shit about what his employers make him do and say--I mean, come on, it's way better work than acting in a pointless homoerotic soap opera for an abusive audience of retarded rural morons--but Howie Mandel and Lowell Ganz (along with the other four credited writers, executive producers, development execs, and anybody else whose hands brushed against this turd) should be shot in the face, driven out to the desert, and left for the vultures.

Or, at the very least, they should all be stripped of their salaries and barred from ever being involved in the entertainment industry for the rest of their lives.

What movie ideas did Fox turn down in order to greenlight this piece of shit? Were they all pornos starring Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman? Is their development pool really this shallow?


I think those unfortunate suits in Century City need to lend me their ears for twenty minutes sometime this week so that I can blow their minds with a handful of random, off-the-cuff ideas that don't suck.

Or they could just devote their entire production budget over the next ten years to Avatar sequels, since that's the only movie on Fox's 2009-2011 slate that I would ever want to see...

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Too Awesome Not to Share

An old friend of mine from college has the coolest girlfriend ever--she made this cake for him for his birthday!

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Silly Fox, People Want to ESCAPE from Reality...

The moment has arrived: fat people will be on your television screen.

"For six years it's been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that's not what the dating world looks like," Fox president of alternative Mike Darnell said. "Why don't real women -- the women who watch these shows, for the most part -- have a chance to find love too?"

Not that I disagree with his claim that fat women are the biggest consumers of shitty reality TV, but his logic--not to mention Public Relations skills--leaves something to be desired. I don't care if you use the cute excuse/phrase More to Love as the title of your show--the bottom line is that fat women do not like it when you point out the fact that they are fat. And you just did. Irreparably.

Not only that, but it is important to remember that television is an escape. True reality shows would never work--who wants to sit on their couch and watch footage of somebody else sitting on their couch, eating the same microwaved pizza pocket as their three cats hiss at them from the other side of the room?

Hence the existence of 'staged reality with hot people,' and its relative success. Just as plebeians are fascinated with the day-to-day mundanity of the rich and famous, they are also obsessed with watching how sexy people lead their lives, how people treat them differently, how much more fun they have, how much more sex they have, and, yet, how many problems they still have.

The only successful show I can think of that involves fat people is The Biggest Loser, but one of the reasons that show works is because the contestants are SO FAT that they not only make regular fat people feel better about themselves but also serve as hilarious comic relief after a mind-numbing CSI / American Idol evening on the couch.

Prognosis? Cancellation.


Bonus Photo:


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