Brando on Brando, with a little Connie Chung on the side

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Fur in My Cap

Catchy little number, interesting visuals, professional, patient, smooth. All tha kiddies at school gonna be sangin' it soon, y'all...which means it is only a matter of time before Rob Roy (no relation) winds up on a reality show about dancing, eating contests, or some kind of Urban Survivor.

The pace of life has been greatly accelerated within my lifetime and I am certain it is a bad thing.

[Thanks for the tip, CMC]


Dessert

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Because Why Not?

New York just seems so incredibly boring and normal I don't know how people there can stand it. They should all move to Los Angeles, where things are interesting...

Booger, Kitty, & Mousey walk the streets of West Hollywood 
and for some reason people stare.

[Thanks for the tip, Videogum]

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¿Quieres bailar?

Crack open a six-pack of Heineken, put on your headband, and turn this shit up:



The Ex is a Dutch band that has been jamming since 1979 and that will probably live forever, in one form or another. They used to be punk and now they are something else because they are older and more refined. Their first single was called Stupid Americans and their first 7" was called All Corpses Smell the Same. 1983's Gonna Rob the Spermbank might be my favorite title, though.

If you like good live music, check out their upcoming (starts in 5 days!) US tour schedule, get your tickets, wax your private places, and get ready for a cheap double-guitar stompin' good time!

Of special note to my biggest fans:

Chicago: March 8th at Lincoln Hall
Los Angeles: March 18th at The Satellite

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Men Just Shouldn't Strip

I'm not saying there aren't any women out there who enjoy a good ole-fashioned heterosexual strip-tease, but what I am saying is I've never met one. So I have to assume those types of women are rare.

Mostly, male strippers work bachelorette parties (aka the most boring parties ever) and the girls get really drunk and red in the face and pretend like they are enjoying what is happening, when really they are supremely uncomfortable, perched on the end of their seats, every cell in their body on high-alert, hoping he completely ignores them, living in fear that he might try to touch them.

And so they sit on the fringe of the group and watch their one "whore" friend (apparently there is always one) have some strange man grope her breasts, as he dances like a tone-deaf arrhythmic epileptic and throws his briefs in her face.

In case you've never seen this sort of thing in person, here is a delightfully-vintage video I shot during the Eighties that illustrates what I'm trying to convey here:



Notice how she never uncrosses her legs? There is no way she's giving him anything to hold on to down there--and it appears she is some sort of adult model or porn actress. Imagine how your average woman would react to that dude...


[Thanks for the tip, Videogum]

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Rolling the Youtube Dice

Here is a shortish clip that may or may not be from an episode of the Australian television show A Current Affair, which may or may not be a serious news program (verifiable information is scant):



Reminds me of a Monty Python sketch that never aired. Michael Palin hosting John Cleese would have been funnier, but points to these chaps for making a go of it.

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Dear Internet: You Have Reached a New Low

Milestones are meant to be reached, right? Congratulations, Internet--that is the only bright side I can see in this travesty:



That piece of garbage was viewed 126,558,675 before I ever heard of it. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

There's no way around the fact that I feel dumber for having seen it, I worry that some innocent people out there might have seen it and unwisely viewed it as successful comedy worthy of imitation, there's no stopping it now, and it irritates me that the guys who made it have no doubt profited in some manner as a result of its creation.

On the other hand, it has ostensibly shown a lot of people a good time since its release--only 29,869 people officially DISLIKE it (please ignore the fact that only 24,299 people bothered to officially LIKE it).

Maybe this video is what America craves. Maybe the entertainment provided by this video is the reason generations of hard-scrabble immigrants bled to death tilling our soil and shaping our skylines. Maybe 2011 has ushered in the zenith of mankind's presence on Earth and not its nadir.

Maybe I'm wrong and we're not totally fucked.

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Get a Room, Dawgs!

Can't wait to catch Sissyboy Slapfight Vol.2 once these bad-ass nigs are able to lick each other's wounds for a spell!

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Okay, Mmm, Hold On, Back This Circus Train Up Just a Minute...

The 'Homeless Guy with a Golden Voice' video that has been tearing up the webwaves this week features a homeless guy who doesn't sing?

Turns out everybody's favorite hero, Ted Williams (no relation to the now less-famous asshole baseball player), was not just some tragic homeless guy who found his resolve in teaching himself to sing the paint off a barn, but rather a homeless former radio announcer who had fallen on hard times due to drug and alcohol abuse, arrogance, the changing face of media, etc. Huh. No way around that being a disappointment when I hear the phrase "golden voice."

She hates when people use teleprompters
(exceptions include John McCain, Sarah Palin, and herself)

If there is one successful type of person in this world who deserves to be homeless, it is "actors who read anything you tell them to say on camera and tell you they are journalists."

If there are two, I would add "radio and television announcers/hosts" to the list. How many of the oft-ridiculed "Pig & Mike in the Morning!" ass-hats--and the vain, less-talented hacks who were paid to "announce them"--were out there in this country before the radio bubble burst and 90% of radio talent got the axe? [This is a wild, unsubstantiated estimate. -Ed]

Estimated Market Price of a Rental Baby in Johannesburg

Is three dollars per day, according to the Harper's Index in the Jan.2011 issue.

Who rents these babies, you ask? Why, panhandlers, of course! Who else would you rent your defenseless baby to? It makes perfect sense--the panhandlers rent these babies to increase their daily wages by preying on sympathetic strangers and I guess the cost outweighs the benefit or there wouldn't be a market for it.

I also guess that for the most part these babies are returned unharmed or there wouldn't be a steady supply of babies, although that is just a guess. For all I know, the odds are 50/50 and the parents' desire to have the child/burden back is 50/50.

 
What sort of person rents out their baby to a panhandler in Johannesburg for the day? Is this person so desperate that they don't have any other choice and have thrown caution to the wind in the hopes of mere survival? Is it easier to let your baby do the work while you chill at home eating a $3 package of protein-enriched (hopefully) bonbons?

Or is this proof of yet another impending global movement backward--engineered by a bitter father named Karl Rove, most likely--where the babysitter pays the parent/s and the baby gets exactly the kind of crash-course in life he will need to survive, the Right gets an unregulated, cheap supply of labor/altar-boys, and everybody's too tired and malnourished to mount an effective rebellion?

Or is this baby rental thing all about the economy and I'm an idiot? Is this bonus baby-rental money allowing the impoverished parent/s of these children the luxury of purchasing a carton of "so cool" American cigarettes every week and it's so good for the American economy that all the rich people and their duped grassroots puppets will shoot you in the face with their concealed weapons if you try to be all communist and poke a hole in what is a mostly sorta-fine scheme they have going on? Well, if you discount the visceral discomfort experienced every waking moment by every single baby involved, that is--especially by those poor souls that never make it back to the rental house.

You know what? I should probably stop talking about it right now, lest I be branded un-American by the uneducated. I can't:

Will these poor children grow up at a record clip? What sort of indignities will they witness while lying on the sidewalk, teething on dirty broken beer bottles and used condoms, covering themselves in their own filth, occasionally getting yelled at by their smelly drunken homeless master, on whom his/her survival depends? What manner of squalor will they one day consider luxurious by comparison to their daily existence?

I Think I Know Who Should Accidentally Die Next, Oh Just and Mighty Lord

Ladies and gentlemen of the void, I hereby encourage you to feast your eyes on the most smug little *%^&@$# I've seen in a looooong time and then thank everybody you meet for the rest of your life that you were not cursed with her as your mother/sister/daughter/wife/self. Unless you were. [Sorry--but we won't take anything back and you know we shouldn't. -Ed.]



Once again--thank you, Katie Couric, for bringing us the hard news, the news nobody else has the stones to get out there and have somebody else point a camera at while you pretend to give a shit off-screen.

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Little Girls Getting Owned

I know I will one day be gleefully banished to Hell by a vengeful God for laughing at these videos every time I see them, but I just can't help myself--they're hilarious.

Little Girl Owned by Trampoline:


Little Girl Owned by Swing:


Little Girl Owned by Bench:

And THAT'S why you don't put floppy hats on your little girls, parents!

Little Girl Owned by Soccer Ball:


Little Girl Owned by Dog:


More General Ownings:


I could watch these forever and I just might...

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Scratch THIS, A$$hole...

If you thought Balloon Boy's Dad was crazy before (like when he faked that his son was up in a balloon at 7000 ft. for hours in an attempt to get a reality TV show), wait til you check out his latest invention, which unfortunately involves a lot of shouting:



Am I the only one who realizes how smooth that thing looks--how could it possibly compete with the scratching monster that is bark?

Here's to hoping this stupid prick fails to make $36,000 off this and has to start selling vital organs to pay back the police department for part of their emergency rescue bills...


(Thanks, Videogum)
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Sometimes It's Hard

Breaking things like a karateman isn't always as easy as it looks when somebody does it successfully.

Just ask this dude, who appears to try the feat for the first time in front of a crowd with at least one video camera and no doubt an arsenal of snarky comments:



I just hope that poor Cobra Kai runt had enough meth in his gi to see him home before he got beaten-up by a gang of bored 12 year-old cheerleaders.


(Thanks, Videogum)
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All the World Loves a Lover

For your viewing pleasure, here is an old Japanese cologne commercial made by the director of Hausu, starring Charles Bronson:



What a crazy piece of shit, eh? I would love to have been a fly on the wall during the meeting where the director explained his vision to the ad agency and client.

"Okay, so...he's in a candle-lit bar by himself, making love to a black piano player with his eyes. After thanking an insane old doorman on his way out, he drives home really fast to take off his shirt and pour cologne all over his body as he gives himself a rubdown and shoots guns. Guys will love it!"

"Wait--there are no women in this?"

"No! There are no women in Mandom--just men. Men who like to choke each other to death with the overpowering stench of their cologne-soaked half-naked bodies as they dance around the room, giggling and flirting. And shooting guns!"

"I see...well, what the fuck do I know? I named my cologne Mandom. Let's give it a shot."

For more Mandom, click here.

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Racists on Youtube Do the Darnedest Things

The Youtubes makes people famous--there's no way around that, it is one of the few truths in this world, so deal with it the same way that you deal with the fact that there will always be racist assholes waving Confederate flags, laughing at Larry the Cable Guy, and preaching religion and family values as they secretly give non-gay handjobs to random men in the bathroom of the gas station by the highway and their teenage daughters give birth because they were told condoms were wrong.

On Youtubes, as everywhere else, all fame is justified for one reason or another, although most would never admit the reason everybody knows who they are is because they are the biggest asshole on the planet, the worst dancer in history, or a complete moron totally unaware of anything beyond the stomping grounds of their youth.

Enter "Babe 27", who no doubt longs for the fate of her idol, Justin "I was discovered on Youtube" Bieber and will no doubt never receive it. Instead of cruising the world in a pimped-out Rascal scooter with cupholders, parting seas of swooning teenagers in towns whose names she can't even pronounce, Babe 27's flavor of fame will not result in any financial reward, respect, or sex appeal.

Instead, millions will laugh at her, share her humiliation with all of their friends, and move on, leaving Babe 27 to wither in their dust, cruel laughter eternally echoing in her ears no matter how many earmuffs she dons, a three-legged cat her only friend.

Enjoy:



"...and THAT is why you don't post videos of yourself singing in your bedroom on Youtube!"

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Smooth Moves

Well done, YAK Films:





I wonder how Sir David Attenborough would narrate that?

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The Dark Side of Youtube

For every Scarlet Takes a Tumble and Fat Dad Falls Off Skateboard, there is always a video that makes you stop laughing uncontrollably at the misfortunes of others and reminds you of the frightening power of the Dark Side.

This is one of those videos:

(Thanks, Videogum!)

Shock and awe, folks. Shock and awe.

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AIDS = Hitler

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What a Stupid C*nt

She's laughing at you, Arizonans, because she thinks you'll vote for her no matter what she says (or doesn't say). Jan Doofus can ask all she wants, but let's hope she doesn't get any of your votes this fall, despite the fact that she has did done fixed everything.

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