Welcome to Los Angeles, 2010

"Take a letter. To yourself.

"Here we go:

"I think everybody strolling the web who would click on this link below (either of them, actually) should be sent to a page where they are instructed to turn their ovens on and put their heads inside them.

"Whatever cog-in-the-wheel schmo we hire to write the copy for the webpage we should have this headline redirect to should make liberal use of his or her powers of persuasion, but it shouldn't be too difficult a task to birth prose effective in effortlessly eliminating that pool of people we're after for some reason I forget.

"Here's a first draft he or she can work from: 

"I probably shouldn't be telling you this, cuz it may put me out a job, but turning your oven on, getting it real hot, and then sticking your head in there for about twenty minutes is actually better for your hair than a professional blow-drying session with Vidal Sassoon. Try it now and I promise--not only will you look your best, but you won't spend any money on blow-drying for the rest of your life!

-- Antonio, Professional Hairstylist in London, England

"With schmaltz like that--and a photo of some handsome vaguely-foreign man in a button-down white cotton shirt holding a hairdryer and smiling in front of a mirror--I bet we'd have 15% of our target demographic put-to-bed after 72 hours on the web, as long as we hit the right sites, which shouldn't be too hard.

"Phase Two, once we earn enough advertising revenue, is to buy a thirty-second spot or two during Real Housewives of Appalachia to advertise our second-generation websites--"LA's Best Places to Encounter Paparazzi" and "LA's Best Corporate Tacos", which both link to a slightly-altered head-in-oven-pitch, with the same spokesman wearing different costumes and assuming different expert roles, so we only need to kill one innocent person when we're done with all this.

"We'd pretty much sack the whole lot after two episodes, by my calculations.

"So, whaddya say, Buddy-Boy? Are we partners?

"Should we take a blood oath and get started tonight?

"Affectionately, Dick Tracy, etcetera, etcetera.

"Well, so you read the letter now, what do you think?"

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Ann Coulter Equates College Students with al-Qaida

Al-Qaeda, al-Qaida, al-Qa'ida, Qaeda...call them what you will, Bushites--the bottom line is they are the enemy and they are potentially everywhere, including Texas and the other 58 states.

Who are they? Irrelevant. Towel-heads. Brown people. Taxpayers. Liberals. Nuke 'em. God will sort 'em out. Whatever.

Noted foot-in-mouther Sarah Palin must have been busy watching the wet nurse breastfeed Trig as she gagged/Twittered, because this little number was left up to fellow conservative darling Ann Coulter (Hmm...the most prominent conservatives are Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin because...they are the best?)

"They hired me to give a speech, so I'm giving a speech. I do it all the time," she said. "I speak to a lot of groups and do not endorse them. I speak at Harvard and I certainly don't endorse their views. I've spoken to Democratic groups and liberal Republican groups that loooove abortion. The main thing I do is speak on college campuses, which is about the equivalent of speaking at an al-Qaida conference. I'm sure I agree with GOProud more than I do with at least half of my college audiences. But in any event, giving a speech is not an endorsement of every position held by the people I'm speaking to."

(courtesy Huffington Post)

"The main thing I do is speak on college campuses, which is about the equivalent of speaking at an al-Qaida conference."

Who is this supposed to insult more, al-Qaida or college students? Is she really equating ALL college students with al-Qaida members? Why? Because they're getting educated and don't just take whatever you try to cram down their throats? Has she ever met an al-Qaida member? Why are we listening to this woman again? Who IS she?

Ann Coulter was born in New York City, to rich parents, went to Cornell, then to Michigan, then was a law clerk in Kansas City, before she was scooped up by a Republican party desperate for pretty faces and controversy. She writes awful books and delivers awful speeches to anybody with deep pockets.

Seeing that Ann Coulter went to not one but TWO colleges, she's pretty much Public Enemy #1, as that of course implies that she is one of al-Qaida's most sophisticated operatives. Although I am unsure of her motives in revealing this new shit to the world--is she a double agent? triple agent?--many thanks to Imam Coulter, for it is now easier than ever to spot terrorists.

They are the ones who read books and think critically--and their names and addresses can conveniently be found in the admissions department at any college in the country.

Get out your guns, people! Kill the nerds that hate your freedom!

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Heidi Montag Knows Hyperbole

She may not know what the word means, but Heidi Montag should receive a Celebrity Merit Badge for Hyperbole.

First, her freaky, hyperbolically-curvy, wax-figurine body, courtesy of plastic surgeon Frank Ryan:

Second, the Team Heidi-approved Twitters after said plastic surgeon drove his Jeep off a cliff along the Pacific Coast Highway and died:

I am devastated to hear the news of Dr. Frank Ryan's death. He was the most amazing person I have ever known. He was an angel and changed my life and the lives of everyone he met. He was the most brilliant talented surgeon who will ever exist. Dr. Frank Ryan changed the world.

My thoughts and prayers go out to his mother, family, friends, and anyone who was ever blessed enough to meet him. He is in a better place.

(Courtesy Huffington Post)

"The most brilliant surgeon who will ever exist," who "changed the lives of everyone he met?"

Yeah, right. I believe that almost as much as I believe Heidi has the capacity to be "devastated" by anything, or that Dr. Moron "is in a better place"--he's in Hell, baby! Yeah!

Which, for the record, is much worse than being paid millions of dollars for totally unnecessary surgical procedures and then using the money to cavort around Southern California changing people's lives for the worse, all the while giggling and doing lines of silicone off the dashboard.

I have no evidence to support this claim, but something tells me Dr. Frank may have driven off a cliff because his latest 'perfect' monster (Two heads with six tongues, mounted on a giant breast!) was giving him head and it was so fantastic he just couldn't take it.

Or maybe that's just some hyperbole right there...who's to know?

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Hollywood 2.0

In light of the dearth of originality that continues to plague Hollywood these days, here are five movies that will probably be made in my lifetime:


Real Housewives of Superheroes
What happens on the home-front is even more fantastic, in this out-of-this-world comedy from Robert Zemeckis.


He's Just Not That Into Your Mom
Cougartown meets The Graduate, as Taylor Lautner must fend off a feisty Diane Keaton in his quest to win the heart of her daughter, Taylor Swift.


Back to Back to the Future: 3D
An obese movie nerd/computer geek (Jonah Hill) accidentally finds himself inside the 1985 cinema classic and hilarity ensues as he tries to cover his bumbling tracks without blowing it for Marty and Co.


Twitter: The Movie
Meg Ryan discovers that love really is blind when she discovers her number-one-follower-cum-love-interest is none other than Taylor Lautner, who happens to run a rival flower shop in idyllic Martha's Vineyard.


2 Many Jessicas
On the eve of his wedding day, Jonah Hill is forced to choose between Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel.


Since I am nothing but a whore, I promise not to slam these movies when they ultimately hit the megamultiplex--as long as I get 2% of the gross.


Dessert:

Dances With Wolves to Become a Broadway Musical!
(and remember--The Onion AV Club is not fake news)
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Country Music Industry Revelation

Well, it took them awhile, but the music executives in charge of destroying what was left of the country genre have finally put together what the pop/rock fuckers figured out long ago:

If the music is shitty, cliche-ridden, simple enough for a 12 year-old to play, and guaranteed distribution, why not just put a pretty face out there to put a little shine on that apple?

Sure there was Dolly Parton, Nancy Sinatra, Shania Twain, Faith Hill, Martina McBride...but looking at this new crop of girls 'coming up' just makes my head spin:

Miranda Lambert

Ashton Shepard

Julie Roberts

Kellie Pickler

Jessie James

Veronica Ballestrini

Jennette McCurdy

Have there always been this many 16 year-old, blonde, sexy/pre-pubescent musical savants out there? Could we just not find them in years past because the lack of internet rendered most of the South impenetrable to wealthy executives?

Or are there other forces at play?

The new Nashville credo:

As long as the heavily-photoshopped CD cover photo makes every redneck with a woody want to pin that girl down on a pool table and have their way--and makes every girl want to be that girl, to listen to how she became that girl, whether the girl wrote the songs herself or not--then we have a hit record on our hands, folks!

Oop--what's that? Looks like we've somehow tapped into a phone over at Sony Music Entertainment. Might as well listen in, right?

"Call Wal-Mart--tell 'em to clear some shelf space--I just found a 15 year-old porn star who sings really well when we digitally alter every note in ProTools and have a 40 year-old fat gay man in Hotlanta write songs for her about texting and Twittering and cute boys. It's perfect--I'll get rich and get out before all this shit implodes and the music industry needs a bailout!"

Fuckers.

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Another Insufferable Term

"Twitterati?"

I really hope that doesn't catch on, but to steal a line from Han Solo, "I have a bad feeling about this..."

Also, separately, why is it that corporate America always overpays people to deal with new technology they don't understand?

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