Who Doesn't Love a Good Penis?

What would we do without people in the woods who have a lot of time on their hands and know how to use a chainsaw? Answer: Be way more bored.

Thank you, Woodmen of the World (WOW)!

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Happy New Year to Those Less-Fortunate Men Out There

 
Like this guy.

And this guy:

(courtesy Getty Images)

And this guy:

And especially this guy:

I hope things get better for all of you this year, but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. Or, wait a minute--I probably would...til I pass out while reclining in a bubble bath.

Hell can't be any worse, right? Might as well give it a shot.

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Y Ahora, El No Tiene Cajones--!!Literalmente!!

There are several reasons I decided not to become a bullfighter:

1. Torturing and killing an animal for fun is not cool.
2. Unless they also rub gasoline in the bullfighter's eyes, it's not really a fair fight.
3. The hideous uniforms make me look fat.
4. I don't have a death wish.
5. I value my groin above all. Above all!

And so, without further ado, a famous bullfighter getting gored in the groin by an angry 1100-pound bull with needles stuck into his testicles to make him more lively:



Talk about getting your just desserts! I hope his penis is broken forever and he has to continue his love life with a stand-in, a la Farinelli, the famous castrato.

By the way, have you ever seen a drawing of a flaccid penis onscreen for that long?

Way to go, Mexico!

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America: Where Nobody Gets River-Dick

Have you heard of river-dick? It's a phrase I coined today [Brah-VO, sir! -Ed.] to describe what happens to a man--or boy--who encounters a candiru in the Amazon and loses the battle.

This little supposed penis-loving fish hardly plagues the men of the world, but I wager it must be on the minds of enough men to be worthy of mention.

Why? Because it is a tiny parasitic fish that supposedly swims up your urethra when you pee in the Amazon river and, due in part to the spikes on its scales, results in incredible pain.


Can you imagine how many parents in the Amazon are trained to be able to recognize the signs of river-dick in their children by now? How many homeopathic remedies there must be for this situation by now? How many children suffered as a result of the inevitable learning curve in discovering said remedies?

Granted, river-dick may be something that used to happen way more frequently (like Polio, which is finally making a comeback...), it may be no more than a legend, or it may be an everyday reality for a breed of people without much use for doctors or documentation.

Regardless, two things are certain:

1. The mere threat of its existence has stopped more than one man from dunking into the Amazon.

2. Its absence is one of the great things about living in America and, things being as they are these days (health care reform aside), it has finally crept onto the travel brochures.

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And a Good Day to You, Sir!

(photo courtesy KNS News, UK)

Some guy in Great Britain painted an exact replica of his penis on the roof of his parents' house.

Lucky bloke!

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Told You So

I knew this guy was trouble from the get.

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