Old News: Vatican Corrupt

The world's smallest city-state is in the news once again and, once again, hopes its ridiculously inappropriate Foreign-Sovereign Immunity (which absolves it of all responsibility for child sexual abuse cases in the United States, fyi) will allow it to do whatever it wants while thumbing its nose at the peculiar secular world, where actions have consequences.

VATICAN CITY — Italian authorities seized euro23 million ($30 million) from a Vatican bank account Tuesday and said they have begun investigating top officials of the Vatican bank in connection with a money-laundering probe.

(courtesy HuffPo)

But don't worry, it's probably all a big misunderstanding--it's not like the Vatican has any history of highly-suspicious involvement with the mafia and/or catastrophic financial crimes:

The Vatican bank was famously implicated in a scandal over the collapse of the Banco Ambrosiano in the 1980s in one of Italy's largest fraud cases. Roberto Calvi, the head of Banco Ambrosiano, was found hanging from Blackfriars Bridge in London in 1982 in circumstances that still remain mysterious.

London investigators first ruled that Calvi committed suicide, but his family pressed for further investigation. Eventually murder charges were filed against five defendants, including a major Mafia figure, and they were tried in Rome and acquitted in 2007.

Banco Ambrosiano collapsed following the disappearance of $1.3 billion in loans the bank had made to several dummy companies in Latin America. The Vatican had provided letters of credit for the loans. While denying any wrongdoing, the Vatican bank agreed to pay $250 million to Ambrosiano's creditors.

(courtesy HuffPo)

Yikes! But soft--who runs the Vatican Bank? Its problems can most likely be blamed on greedy secular bankers operating outside the church's sphere of influence, right? The religious folk just made a few careless mistakes in who they hired to run their financial operations, right?

Wrong:

More after the jump...

Stupid Whore Class is in session

"Our backs ache, our skirts are too tight, we shake our booties from left to right."

This is the controversial cheer that a Michigan cheerleader's mother objected to recently. This objection got her daughter kicked off the squad and straight onto the stage of Good Morning America.

The kicker: The former cheerleader is only 6 years old.

SIX YEARS OLD!

For whom do six-year-olds cheer? Six-year-old football players? The Catholic Priests Charity Football League?

Even more importantly, however, how does this cheer make any sense? Who wants to hear about people's problems? Their backs ache? Whose doesn't. Their skirts are too tight? Stop getting so fat!

Boring...

Or are these cheerleaders trying to say they are always on their back getting it from football players and their skirts are intentionally too tight because they're trying to show off the hot bodies they spend all day creating by not eating and ditching class to do bikram yoga and smoking cigarettes across the street?

Oh, wait, I just got it--these six-year-old girls are CHEAP SLUTS who really, really, really want their football-playing sex-partners to win the game against their other football-playing sex-partners who go to first-grade at a nearby rival primary school.

Or so their coach wants us to think, for some reason--probably because she thinks it's "cute."

Makes total sense...this is, after all, the monstrous nation that created Miley Cyrus.


Dessert:
Our disease has been exported to China!

_

Finally, a Pop Singer Takes Responsibility

The douchebag in the middle--Charles Haddon, lead singer of legendarily obscure British pop band Ou Est Le Swimming Pool, which just rolls off your tongue--climbed a telecommunications tower in Belgium yesterday and jumped to his death. Immediately following a performance at a music festival with a funny name, which, when translated, means "PimplePop."

What gives, right? After only three singles, OELSP's transgressions against humanity's ears/minds had already reached a tipping point?

I can only assume so, since only forty people have ever heard any of their music. And two of them are now dead.

Ou Est Le Swimming Pool's first album--Christ Died for Our Synths (how's that for agonizing guilt?)--is scheduled for an October release.

The real question, though, is whether or not Christ will finally forgive the band for their synths and move on, stop torturing all mortals by lording his own death over millions of guilt-ridden believers.

Something tells me that won't happen, but I'll keep my finger on the pulse for ya.

_

Hypocrisy, By the Numbers

All life, even that of unwanted, unborn babies the size of pencil erasers, is important. It is the most important thing in the world. How important?

Way more important than dealing with all the starving/malnutritioned, poorly-educated children all over the country who were born into a life of poverty, crime, and neglect.

So important that right-wing asshole ideologues will kill medical personnel to make sure there isn't any killing going on.

Since 1977, there have been eight confirmed murders of abortion providers or other clinic staff, 41 bombings, 175 arsons and 96 attempted bombings or arsons, according to the National Abortion Federation.

(courtesy HuffPo)

Breaking the law to interfere with legally-sanctioned activities and ignoring all the most important tenets of every major religion, all in the name of hypocrisy. Thanks, Red America.

_

Are You Team Cain or Team Abel?

Will Smith, have you no shame?

Deadline New York has some totally tubular news for all those sexually-frustrated Twihard Christians out there that have been waiting their entire lives for a more relatable version of the story of Cain and Abel (read: with vampires):

EXCLUSIVE: Will Smith has attached himself to star in and produce The Legend Of Cain, an epic re-telling of the Biblical sibling tale, this time with a vampiric twist. Smith will play Cain, the original Bad Boy, and he will produce with Overbrook Entertainment partners Jada Pinkett Smith (his wife), James Lassiter, and Ken Stovitz. The script was written by Caleeb Pinkett and Dan Knauf, with Andrea Berloff revising. No studio or director yet for the Overbrook project.

Hmmmm...time to develop some CGI ab software so Mr. Scientologist doesn't disappoint the built-in audience for this historic adaptation of the Book of Vampires and I can become an overnight millionaire with my finger in the Biblical pie.

Any talented (and preferably sexy) programmers out there willing to work for Snausages?

_

Beware the Conservative Constrictor

My first reaction to the news that the Governor of Louisiana has just signed into law legislation that makes it legal for permit holders to carry concealed weapons in houses of worship was laughter. 

Finally, some crazy legislation that I can get behind!

Maybe if laws like these make church even scarier for those people on the religious fence, less of them will go there to waste their time and money getting brainwashed by creeps.

On top of that, why not segregate the armed fanatics and let them kill each other over some minor difference in the interpretation of the Bible as it may--or may not--relate to the local sports team.

Give that fly-on-the-wall Christ-on-his-Cross some goddamned entertainment, I say.

And then my second realization struck me--this is simply one more in a long series of backwards Conservative victories of late--legalized racism, leniency for the banks, revolts over better health care, corporate-sponsored elections--and it seems like it is happening all too easily.

Like they've practiced it. Like they're well-practiced at it.

After all, we are in a fairly catastrophic economic depression right now--that they caused, of course--and yet they are successfully using it as ammunition against the Liberals and the forces of good.

The total lack of logic here is startling only until you think about how easily controlled people are by the forces of evil. I mean, look how powerful the Church is, despite the fact there is not one bit of logic associated with it (faith being allergic to logic, of course), despite the fact that the number of Christian fanatics these days seems favorably tied to the number of exposed serial child molesters in their ranks.

If we take the bait and assume the Conservatives are forces of evil, then they must also be capable of using frighteningly awful deeds to further their interests.

What if, throughout history, the Conservatives (who have worn many different political uniforms over the years, mind you--generally whatever was in fashion) have not only deliberately underfunded education in order to keep the sheep content with the ass-end of life, but also intentionally caused recessions and depressions in order for The Men in Charge, in the ensuing panic, to get a tighter grip on the throat of the populace, to stir up trouble that warrants extreme measures of their choosing, to gorge themselves on the public coffers, to gradually get power and weapons in subservient hands?

What if the these Reagan/Bush years we have endured of late represent the crowning achievement of The Men in Charge in their millenia-long struggle to tax its serfdom to unbelievable yet invisible amounts and their struggle to raise the largest army in the world without paying a dime?

They enact a big tax cut for the rich and a small tax cut for the working classes, then use all of it to pay their companies too much money to do things that are not needed, to let the banks they all own borrow our money interest-free and gamble it for profit--with no promise of repayment, and to reward themselves with exotic holidays to places where gay prostitutes know how to keep their mouths shut.

All it takes to achieve such heights, after all, is a nation of self-absorbed rubes, a tight grip on the reins of power, subtle yet effective propaganda, clever empty promises, the patience to turn the screws slowly, a complete lack of compassion when breaking a few billion eggs, and the wisdom to know the best time to strike.

It may not be true, but it may not be wrong. Regardless, every time you wonder how it is that we are living in such a fucked-up society, remember the wisdom of the Dude: "It's like Lenin said, you know? You look for the person who benefits and...y'know?"

Well, the Conservatives are the only ones benefiting these days, so it's not as far-fetched as it may sound at first blush that their generations-long agenda is crushing the blue-collar torso of our country like a gargantuan boa constrictor.

Every time the Liberals come in to rescue us after a bad stretch and we breathe a sigh of relief at their arrival, the Conservative Constrictor just laughs and squeezes a little tighter, that much closer to their goal.

It's all part of the plan.

_

My New Favorite Website

Steve Forbes

There aren't too many things in existence that I wish I had created myself (Five Easy Pieces, Tropic of Cancer, American Psycho, The Office, Sticky Fingers...), so although today has just begun, it has already been a day for the ages.

As I was trolling through Huffington Post--ie, reading the morning paper--I stumbled upon a website that I totally should have started a long time ago. It's called "Tea Party Jesus: The Words of Christians in the Mouth of Christ" and it is a stunning work of absurdist political comedy.

Check out a few of my favorite works after the jump and click on the name of the speaker for a link to the quote source. Also, if you can't read the text, just click on the image to enlarge it.

Armageddon is Nigh?

A quick perusal of Huffington Post this afternoon was perhaps the most depressing thing I have done in a long time. For all of you out there that don't believe me, read on and see if you can stand it:

What Can Brown Do for You: Scott Brown blocks Wall Street reform to ensure that taxpayers, not banks, pay the $19 billion cost of the bill
This one wins best title, for its apt use of what is most likely the worst corporate slogan in history. I've said it before and I'll say it again: why is one man who is not the President powerful enough to stop anything from happening?

The Bible: The First Corporation?

Much like the corporation is a faceless legal entity that conveniently takes all the blame for the actions of the greedy, shady humans that run it, the Bible readily absorbs blame whenever anyone wants to be an asshole.

The World's Most Uncomfortable Green Room?

Pedophilia has been in the news a lot these days, thanks to those pervy Catholics, and I feel it is my duty to take this opportunity to warn you all that pedophilia does not always happen behind closed doors or confessional curtains--sometimes it goes on right in front of your eyes, on national television.



Just Like Mom was the longest-running game show in Canadian history, even though it was only on the air for six seasons (How quaint!-Ed.).

The last five seasons were hosted by famed Toronto Blue Jays announcer Fergie Olver, who was the husband (now divorced) of the show's creator, Catherine Swing--which is an unfortunate name, considering what follows (Zing! -Ed.).

Now, I am the first to admit that I don't know much about Mr. Olver--including whether or not he is still alive--but that is only because his wikipedia profile has been deleted and scouring the internet has mysteriously (?) turned up no leads.

Most likely that is a result of his camp's reaction to the following video, which no doubt has made life extraordinarily difficult for Mr. Olver, if he is still alive:



Keep in mind that this is what happened when he knew the cameras were on.

What happened backstage after the show? What happened during casting sessions? What happened when he took the winning kids to Walt Disney World?

If anything more sinister ever happened besides these televised kisses, I hope he died a painful death, bled dry as a result of repeated slashes of his penis with a dull, rusted knife wielded by a vengeful victim.


Can you believe the good people of Canada let this go on for so long? Did they think it was cute that it seems all Fergie was after was a kiss on the lips from little girls?

I mean, I know it was 'a different era' and this is a heavily-edited video, but still--if an unwanted kiss happened even once it would be worth mentioning, and that is clearly not the case.

Hmmmm...methinks once again, as with 'the Catholic situation,' the rise of the military-industrial complex, the lip-service of modern-day politicians, real-estate speculation, the health-care situation, Social-Security raiding, and the current omnipotence of guilt-free corporations, previous generations were asleep at the wheel and future generations must pay the price.

So sad...

(Thanks to Videogum, btw, for introducing me to this ass-clown!)

_

The Religious Trap

If pedophilia happens, doesn't that mean that it was God's will, as people so often say when tragedy strikes, since he is omnipresent and omnipotent?

If that is the case, then isn't there nothing we can do about it, since judgment is His job and not that of a mere mortal?

Also, as long as the guilty pervert priests confess, aren't they absolved of their sins and granted entry into heaven?

It's enough to make your fucking brain explode trying to make sense of religion...


Dessert:

Evidently, I'm not the only one with some of these questions...

_

Sometimes Atheists Make Me So Proud...

Two prominent British atheists--Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens--have huddled up with their lawyers and plan to make the case that The Fucking Pope should be arrested when he visits the UK.

For what? Crimes against humanity, for his part in the cover-up of Catholic Church Inc's heavenly history of sex-abuse.

Now, I am not naive enough to think this plan will actually work out the way it should, but I love the fact that we finally live in an age where somebody is trying--publicly--to shake the plebians out of their delusional slumber and slash a chunk of flesh off the arrogant church monster.

How great are these two dudes? Check this out:

Last month Dawkins wrote a scathing article for the Washington Post in which he called the pope:

A leering old villain in a frock, who spent decades conspiring behind closed doors for the position he now holds; a man who believes he is infallible and acts the part; a man whose preaching of scientific falsehood is responsible for the deaths of countless AIDS victims in Africa; a man whose first instinct when his priests are caught with their pants down is to cover up the scandal and damn the young victims to silence.

Hitchens told the Sunday Times of London: "This man is not above or outside the law. The institutionalized concealment of child rape is a crime under any law and demands not private ceremonies of repentance or church-funded payoffs, but justice and punishment."

"A leering old villain in frock." Huzzah!

And on a related note, check this out, also courtesy of HuffPo:

A prominent Old Testament scholar has resigned from a professorial position after he was recorded on video endorsing evolution.

Until several days ago, Bruce K. Waltke was a professor at Florida's Reformed Theological Seminary. But after the school found out about his video blog (the video has since been removed at Waltke's request) on the website of the BioLogos Foundation, which promotes harmony between science and theology, he lost his job.

According to several people who saw the video, Waltke said that Christianity's continued denial of evolution will "make [them] a cult."

Circle the wagons, religion, cuz the word is out--you're a cult!

It's no big surprise, I'm sure, but I take great satisfaction in the knowledge that at some point in the future, the religions of today will be as reviled as the pagans of yore. To each era of humanity their own, I guess.

Speaking of, I wonder what the future religions will be like...robots that smile beatifically as they grab you by the throat and squeeze until you swipe a credit card through a magnetized slit in their crotch?

Why not, right?

_

What's So Creepy About Religion?

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think it has something to do with the uniforms, conformity, mob mentality, indoctrination, intimidation, selfishness, certainty in the face of the unknown, and the overall intense creepiness.

(photos courtesy of The Guardian)

Happy Easter weekend, everybody!!! LOL!!


Dessert:



_

Gamebreaker: The Pope is an Asshole

Not like this is a surprise to anybody with half a brain in this day and age--except people who cover their ears and babble incoherently whenever reality threatens their spiritual core, of course--but the Pope is complicit in the cover-up of years upon years of admitted sexual abuse in multiple countries.

Say wha?

Yeah. Check out the latest. And, while you're at it, check out the dirt in Germany.

What will it take for people to abandon the Catholic faith? Does the Pope himself have to molest their child as he holds them down with a solid-gold scepter coated in blood diamonds and makes them watch?

Would that work? Or would it just be one more of those 'mysterious ways' in which God works?

Organized religion makes me so sick. I gotta stop this right now...


Too late.

_

Lifetime Bullshit Artist Has a Lot to Say About Bullshit, Suddenly

It being a Wednesday evening, as I lapped my customary spot of cream from my St. Nicholas saucer and caught up on my religious propaganda, I couldn't help but notice that the Vatican's chief exorcist has declared, in no uncertain terms, that the Devil is about--in the Vatican hallways, no less!

Frightened nearly to death, probably by the Devil himself, I quickly regained my wits and closed all my windows, bolted my front door, lit a few pumpkin-scented candles, crawled under my desk, and smoked a joint the size of your leg.

As my beautiful bloodshot eyes crossed back and forth, and the Lord protected me from within, I read these horrible words over and over, hoping with every fiber of my being that they were false:

Sex abuse scandals in the Roman Catholic Church are proof that that "the Devil is at work inside the Vatican", according to the Holy See's chief exorcist.

Father Gabriele Amorth, 85, who has been the Vatican's chief exorcist for 25 years and says he has dealt with 70,000 cases of demonic possession, said that the consequences of satanic infiltration included power struggles at the Vatican as well as "cardinals who do not believe in Jesus, and bishops who are linked to the Demon".

He claimed that another example of satanic behaviour was the Vatican "cover-up" over the deaths in 1998 of Alois Estermann, the then commander of the Swiss Guard, his wife and Corporal Cedric Tornay, a Swiss Guard, who were all found shot dead. "They covered up everything immediately," he said. "Here one sees the rot".

Father Amorth told La Repubblica that the devil was "pure spirit, invisible. But he manifests himself with blasphemies and afflictions in the person he possesses. He can remain hidden, or speak in different languages, transform himself or appear to be agreeable. At times he makes fun of me."

He said it sometimes took six or seven of his assistants to to hold down a possessed person. Those possessed often yelled and screamed and spat out nails or pieces of glass, which he kept in a bag. "Anything can come out of their mouths – finger-length pieces of iron, but also rose petals."

(courtesy TimesOnline)

Oh, Mylanta! Well, if ole Gabe had a Ziploc bag full of rocks and glass and little pieces of metal, then it must be true that the Devil exists and spat them out of people's mouths behind closed doors.

Right? Why would a priest ever lie?

More to the point, however, is that this guy is still working for the Vatican, still working...for the Devil?


Gabey-baby seems to be so close to a fantastic epiphany here--so close!--yet seemingly fearful of that last delirious step toward heaven on Earth.

He must be a gambler playing the odds, figuring he will be dead shortly (he's 85 for Christ's fucking sake), hoping he was right all this time, that his life wasn't an utter catastrophe, that he'll be able to confidently tell St. Peter he wasn't part of this whole "Catholic clergy sinning like the Devil and loving it" thing that's been going on, like, forever, and that he even deplored it on the record (maybe he'll have a clipping stuffed under his tongue for proof? And a Snickers bar in his ass for St. Peter?). Maybe he'll still be able to get into heaven.

If he's wrong, well, he'll soon be worm-food either way, so who cares. Right?

I'm totally okay with that, I guess, as I firmly believe the pleasures of an 85 year-old Catholic priest are best left to the imagination.


My main concern, as a red-blooded, freedom-loving American, is how this news will affect the stock market. Oh, wait--despite the fact that billions of souls are at stake here, it won't affect it at all.

Do you know what that proves? Religion is irrelevant.

_

I Mean...He COULD Have Been, Right? It's Not Like He Ever Had Sex With a Woman. Or Did He? Wait, Are You Avoiding the Question? Hello?

Perhaps as a return blow for being conspicuously absent on the Pope's list of the Ten Best Pop Albums of All Time, Elton John let him have it this week:

"I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems," John said in an interview posted on the website of US celebrity news magazine Parade.

"On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving. I don't know what makes people so cruel. Try being a gay woman in the Middle East -- you're as good as dead," said John, who is gay.

(courtesy Yahoo News/AFP)

The Pope responded with a brief comment uttered between naps on the expansive veranda of his opulent palace in Rome:

"You're probably right."

Kidding. The Pope didn't even realize Elton said this because his ears were inadvertently blocked for days when an avalanche of gold coins nearly buried him alive after a retaining wall in one of his numerous vaults gave way under the obscene load of charitable donations to the Catholic cause.

When staffers went to check on him during their weekly rounds and realized what had happened, they quickly rescued His Supreme Excellency, Ruler of Earth, from the eminently-avoidable catastrophe, but chose not to inform him of Sir Elton John's inflammatory speculation, lest their figurehead have a heart attack, which would necessitate another pesky search for a replacement bag of bones. Besides, why dignify that comment with a response, right? Right?

The Catholic League (the largest U.S. Catholic rights group, which, let's be frank, only exists because, goddamnit, the Catholic Church just can't get a fucking break...), however, was quick to respond:

"Jesus was certainly compassionate, but to say he was 'super-intelligent' is to compare the son of God to a successful game-show contestant," league president Bill Donohue said in a statement.

"More seriously, to call Jesus a homosexual is to label him a sexual deviant. But what else would we expect from a man who previously said, 'From my point of view, I would ban religion completely'?"

Huh. So...Jesus was not super-intelligent? Was he just 'kind of smart-ish, but regular' so as not to offend potential followers, who seem to only be drawn to the dumbest figureheads you can think of (Sarah Palin? Pat Robertson? Mitt Romney? George Bush?).

Also, "ban religion completely?" Did I need another reason to love this guy? No. Do I have one? Yes.

Long live the real King of Pop!

_

The Pope's P.R. Man is Cooler Than You Thought, But Still Lame

You can do whatever you want as long as you confess before you die, you'll never get into heaven unless you buy these indulgences, the Earth is flat and revolves around the sun, God built the world in six days, condoms cause AIDS, fish is the only meat that should be consumed on Friday, rock'n'roll is the Devil's music...the Catholic powers-that-be have said some really funny shit over the years.

Luckily for the meek, the Church always flip-flops once it's clear that all of its followers are disobeying them in secret and they can be sure there will be no push-back for suddenly changing God's opinion on things.

With that in mind, here are the Pope's Top 10 Pop Albums of All-Time, courtesy of L'Osservatore Romano, via The Guardian:

What can be learned from this list, aside from the fact that God likes lists to be ten items long and carved into stone tablets sitting in my bathroom?

- The Pope only listens to men playing music, specifically men from England/Ireland and the United States. Oh, yeah--and a Hispanic afterthought to quell the biggest Catholic base in the world.

- He has good taste (Graceland, Revolver) and bad taste (Achtung Baby, Rumours).

- He never liked Santana until he paired himself up with a series of douchebag Gringos (I'm looking at you, Dave Matthews and Rob Thomas!)

- The best pop music was recorded between 1966 (Beatles) and 1995 (Oasis), a bold statement that I'm sure Lady Gaga would love to vomit on, if only out of respect for Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly, Peter Bjorn and John, Of Montreal, and Elvis.

- Ray Davies, Pete Townshend, and Mick Jagger are peeing in the holy water at St. Peter's as we speak

- The Pope has a soft spot for albums that have sold a shit-ton of copies:
Thriller - 110 million
The Dark Side of the Moon - 45 million
Rumours - 40 million
Supernatural - 27 million
(What's the Story) Morning Glory - 22 million
Achtung Baby - 5.3 million (as of 2003)
Revolver - 5 million (as of 2003)
Graceland - 5 million (as of 2003)

Along with a couple dark horses from industry veterans, to appear interesting:
The Nightfly - 1 million+
If I Could Only Remember My Name - ?

Is any of this surprising? No. Does anybody really care? No. Will the Pope win any religious converts with this pandering list? No. Will any artist on this list experience a sudden increase in back-catalog album sales? Definitely.

I wonder if Catholic Church, Inc. has arranged for a cut of said album sales. I mean, come on, they're not idiots over there--let us not forget they've been running an international cult for almost two thousand years, own more real estate than you can fathom, and made a $9 billion profit in 2001 alone.

Developing...

_

Six--Six--Six Things I Learned About Catholicism Today (While Occasionally Stuttering)

1. In the 1800s, the image of Pope Leo XIII appeared on posters for Vin Mariani, a wine with cocaine and a precursor to Coca-Cola. The pope honored the drink with a medal to show his appreciation for its effervescence.

2. Fanatical young male followers of the Pope are known as Papaboys.

3. The washing machine liberated Western women.

4. God is totally cool with a guy who raped his 9 year-old stepdaughter for three years straight--but not cool with her getting an abortion to save her life.

5. The Pope loves the Simpsons.

6. Cory Burnell wants to set up a Christian nation within the United States where abortion is illegal, gay marriage is banned, schools cannot teach evolution, children can pray to Jesus in public schools, and the Ten Commandments are posted publicly.

To that end, Burnell, 29, left the Republican Party, moved from California and founded Christian Exodus two years ago with the goal of redirecting the United States by "redeeming" one state at a time.

First up for redemption is South Carolina.

Burnell hopes to move 2,500 Christians into the northern part of the state by next year and to persuade tens of thousands to relocate by 2016. His goal is to fill the state legislature with "Christian constitutionalists."

The organization, which claims about 1,000 members, held its first conference October 15-16 to promote its agenda. About 50 people from as far away as Ohio and Oregon attended.

(1+2+6 courtesy Godless Wonder)

Hmmm...really makes you think about joining the fold, eh?

_

Who Needs Evidence?

When you're preaching to the deluded choir, all ya gotta do is say something and it is true.

Don't believe me?

Well, try this on for size--the Pope and his posse have found the remains of St. Paul.

How does he know for sure? Easy:

"Vatican experts claim the tomb's position, underneath the epigraph Paulo Apostolo Mart (Paul the Apostle and Martyr), at the base of the main altar is proof that it belongs to the apostle.

The pope said the tomb had not been opened but that a probe inserted through a small hole had revealed traces of purple linen decorated with gold sequins, blue material and red incense grains as well as the remains. 'Small fragments of bone were carbon dated by experts who knew nothing about their provenance and results showed they were from someone who lived between the first and second century,' he said.

'This seems to confirm the unanimous and uncontested tradition that these are the mortal remains of Paul the apostle,' he said, adding that the discovery 'fills our souls with great emotion.'"

(courtesy of guardian.co.uk)

Pope Benedict, his soul filled with great emotion

Secretary--take a letter:


Dear Pope,

The reason this assertion is 'uncontested' is that nobody gives a shit except people who believe anything you say.

While we're on the subject, I wouldn't be surprised if you told me--in confidence, of course--that you never even bothered with the carbon-dating. I mean, why waste the hoarded wealth of centuries-worth of gullible poor people on something as trivial as inconclusive proof when you don't even need to bother proving it at all, right? Right?

Nice moves.

By the way--kudos to you, man. You really got it all figured out--only 82 years young and already head of the best racket in the racket business.

Burn In Hell,
God

ps--Love your new hat! LOL!


_

Thou Shalt Rape, Torture, and Exploit

It's an old story, I know--as old as the Bible--but I would be remiss in my duties if I failed to take this chance to slam home another banderilla into the proverbial Catholic Bull because, once again, folks--and I know this won't come as a surprise--Catholic Church, Inc. has a scandal on its hands.

Fear not, churchlovers because, once again, nothing will happen as a result (well, except perhaps for a 'no admission of guilt' bribe to prevent prosecution...).


Organized religion is just such a beautiful thing. The Catholic Church, Inc. gave all those poor Irish schoolchildren the best real-world education private-school tuition could buy:

“A climate of fear, created by pervasive, excessive and arbitrary punishment, permeated most of the institutions,” the report says. In the boys’ schools, it says, sexual abuse was “endemic.”

(courtesy NYTimes.com)

The story only gets worse:

"Some 30,000 children were sent to such places over six decades, the report says, often against their families’ wishes and because of pressure from powerful local priests. They were sent because their families could not afford to care for them, because their mothers had committed adultery or given birth out of wedlock, or because one or both of their parents was ill, drunken or abusive. They were also sent because of petty crime, like stealing food, or because they had missed school.

Many of the former students said that they had not learned their own identities until decades later. They also said that their parents had unsuccessfully tried to reclaim them from the state."

(courtesy NYTimes.com)

I'm almost afraid to keep reading this article--I don't want to get to the part where the children were fed to lions and forced to participate in unnecessary experimental brain/organ/limb transplants.

I kept reading. It got more detailed, worse:

“Punching, flogging, assault and bodily attacks, hitting with the hand, kicking, ear pulling, hair pulling, head shaving, beating on the soles of the feet, burning, scalding, stabbing, severe beatings with or without clothes, being made to kneel and stand in fixed positions for lengthy periods, made to sleep outside overnight, being forced into cold or excessively hot baths and showers, hosed down with cold water before being beaten, beaten while hanging from hooks on the wall, being set upon by dogs, being restrained in order to be beaten, physical assaults by more than one person, and having objects thrown at them.”

"Girls were routinely sexually abused, often by more than one person at a time, the report said, in “dormitories, schools, motor vehicles, bathrooms, staff bedrooms, churches, sacristies, fields, parlors, the residences of clergy, holiday locations and while with godparents and employers.”

(courtesy NYTimes.com)

But don't worry, folks--the Pope is totally on top of it and the church elders owned up to everything, begged for forgiveness, etc:

"The Vatican had no response. But leaders of various religious orders — who often argued during the investigations that the abuse was a relic of another time, reflecting past societal standards — issued abject apologies on Wednesday, taking care to frame the problem as something that is now behind them."

(courtesy NYTimes.com)

Oh, brother. I can hear the raised voice in the Vatican boardroom right now, post-gavel-bang:

"Parry! Parry, I say! You know damn well everyone will forget about this very soon and we will continue to have numberless followers, be the richest landowners in the world, never have to pay taxes, and continue to do whatever we want. Just don't say anything, don't admit to anything, and...maybe stop raping for a few weeks or so, til this all blows over."

Not only that, but a group called the Christian Brothers, who ran many of the rape clubs, I mean Catholic schools, was successful in their lawsuit to keep the names of the rapists and torturers a secret. How could they succeed in this? What possible justifiable reason is there? Are they worried people might beat/rape them to death in the streets? I mean...they kinda deserve it...


Question of the day:
What will it take for people to realize they can be as religious as they want to be without affiliating themselves with an organization that foments abject abuse of power?


The one positive thing to come out of this story is the fact that I found out this website exists:

BishopAccountability.org

Well done, Terence McKiernan--keep on fighting the real good fight.

_