We Haven't Talked About Dorks Enough Lately

If you're a middle-aged man who loves trikes, you'll love the Uno!

If you believe every famous actress/actor/musician/model--and I do, unequivocally--they each used to be "such a big dork in high school."

So, clearly, all the dorks grow up to be sexy, cool, and rich...okay...but what becomes of the meatheads who major in football/cheerleading and minor in autoshop/blowjobs-under-the-bleachers, you ask?

Well, they all grow up to be dorks who buy an Uno to get around town. Probably.

Is that the perfect revenge? Some 19 year-old dork designs the Uno and gets rich--and cool--as all the cool kids from his high school lose their hair/wives/looks and buy Unos to impress the fat Leather Mommas smoking outside the biker bar?

Hmmm...assuming we all have to be a dork at some point in our lives, I'm glad I got that out of the way in high school and can have been able to spend the rest of my life basking in an unrelenting torrent of coolness, soaking in my oceanside saltwater hot tub, telling jokes to eager supermodels and making fun of Emeril as he grills my dinner.

Oh, and I definitely need to look into getting Biff to detail my entire collection of classic automobiles on a daily basis, while I'm at it, since I just never know which one I want to drive ahead of time...

Thanks, Biff--now go home and suck an egg!

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Breaker: City More Boring Than Sacramento Discovered

 

Apparently the only building in West Sacramento

If you thought Sacramento was boring, wait til you get a load of West Sacramento.

Founded in 1987, when all the coolest cities were founded, West Sacramento boasts a population of over 44,000 bored-to-death souls and the alleged 'Best Milkshakes in the Region.'

But don't take my word for it--take that of seven-term mayor Christopher Cabaldon:

Dine at one of the City’s diverse restaurants, where you can find everything from pad thai to the best breakfast burrito and milkshakes in the region.   Enjoy a baseball game or a concert at Raley Field, home of the Oakland Athletics’ Triple A affiliate, the River Cats.   Watch a 35,000 ton cargo ship dock while you fish from the opposite bank. Visit the newest exhibit at the West Sacramento Historical Society Museum.   Have a picnic by the water in the City’s beautiful River Walk Park.   And everywhere you go, ask residents, business owners, and City staff how they feel about this community.

No thank you, Mr. Cabaldon--none of that sounds like very much fun. Not even watching a big ship park, which I usually would enjoy enough to wet my breeches. Do you even know what fun is? Or is your complete ignorance of it the reason you are the Mayor-for-Life of the most boring town in the nation?

In fact, the only thing West Sacramento has going for it is an epic, two-day-long dance called the Enchantment Under the Sea. Sadly, they not only had to rip that idea off from Back to the Future (which was released before the city was even founded!), but they also had to ruin it forever (almost) by turning it into a creepy incest-themed dance that cannot boast any actual enchantment of note. [Why must fathers and daughters have their own dance? -Ed.]

Give it up already, West Sacramento! Wrap your pestilent lips around that giant belching smokestack at the milkshake factory and sleep forever in the pits of hell! Leave the city thing to people who know what they are doing, like Chicagoans.

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Hollywood 2.0

In light of the dearth of originality that continues to plague Hollywood these days, here are five movies that will probably be made in my lifetime:


Real Housewives of Superheroes
What happens on the home-front is even more fantastic, in this out-of-this-world comedy from Robert Zemeckis.


He's Just Not That Into Your Mom
Cougartown meets The Graduate, as Taylor Lautner must fend off a feisty Diane Keaton in his quest to win the heart of her daughter, Taylor Swift.


Back to Back to the Future: 3D
An obese movie nerd/computer geek (Jonah Hill) accidentally finds himself inside the 1985 cinema classic and hilarity ensues as he tries to cover his bumbling tracks without blowing it for Marty and Co.


Twitter: The Movie
Meg Ryan discovers that love really is blind when she discovers her number-one-follower-cum-love-interest is none other than Taylor Lautner, who happens to run a rival flower shop in idyllic Martha's Vineyard.


2 Many Jessicas
On the eve of his wedding day, Jonah Hill is forced to choose between Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel.


Since I am nothing but a whore, I promise not to slam these movies when they ultimately hit the megamultiplex--as long as I get 2% of the gross.


Dessert:

Dances With Wolves to Become a Broadway Musical!
(and remember--The Onion AV Club is not fake news)
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