Minsk, the Pearl of the Tundra?

 

Imagine this cell, but much smaller and pitch-black.

Finally got another missive from Nothing Is Sacred Field Correspondent Fabio Sandrelli, currently stationed in Minsk, Belarus for 2011. For those of you that missed his first dispatch, check it out here.

Enjoy,
GTC


04.02.2011 - OPERATION MINSK - DISPATCH 0002

My most sincere apologies for the delay in my second dispatch from this frozen hellhole, but I spent the last three weeks in a damp prison cell only slightly larger than my body and darker than a black steer's tuchus on a moonless prairie night.

As it turns out, Dictator Lukashenko has very little patience for people who write things down or have opinions on things. The trial was brief and consisted of little more than a billy-club blow to the head, but my guilt was never in question.

Did I learn my lesson? No. I don't learn lessons. That is why I had to volunteer for this unpaid internship that puts my life in danger every second. Let this be a warning to all of you out there in the ether--learn how to learn lessons and learn them well. Get a job as a pencil pusher in the back office of some corporate laundromat empire based in Omaha, Nebraska.

It may sound boring, but at least you can go home to your rented trailer after work and watch reality TV while getting fat on deep-fried Doritos-flavored donuts. That sounds fairly heavenly right now, in fact; save me some.

Instead of living the dream--getting fat, masturbating obsessively, making excuses for myself, and taxing the bloated US health care system with my diabetes-ridden walking corpse--here I sit under a camouflaged blanket in Chelyuskinites Park, burning stacks of Communist propaganda to stay warm, hoping the wind doesn't blow away the pile of leaves hiding my satellite dish, wishing I had purchased a round-trip ticket, regretting the fact that I agreed to surrender my passport at immigration.

But, as it is with most people who have no other option, I grin and bear it. I persevere. I am young and strong and smart and fortunate my assignment here is as vague as one could imagine and I can write almost anything.

For example:

Earlier today, tasting my first moments of freedom, I watched two old women wrapped in wolfskins play chess on a blanket under a nearby tree for over four hours. By the time I realized my eyelids had frozen in place and I had an alogical erection that would not go away, it was too late--they decided to pack up and head back to the brothel to catch the lucrative rush that always happens when there's a shift-change at the neighborhood police station. When you live on $0.85 a day, after all, a Zip Loc™ bag full of leftover chili tossed in your swollen face can mean the difference between survival and a life of (relative) luxury.

But it's not all loneliness and poverty here in Europe's last Cold War outpost. There seem to be a number of trendy vodka bars, dumpling houses, limbless street vendors spooning stew into unwashed plastic bags in the alley, discothèques full of lusciously-emaciated prostitutes, rich corrupt assholes in furs, persecuted collegiate intellectuals, etc. I occasionally hear laughter, even, although I never know for sure if it's just in my head.

I wish I had enough money to join the party but, alas, I blew most of my graduation money on the decommissioned Soviet icebreaker to which I'm now too afraid to return. I really hope I don't have to wear the same pair of underwear for the next eleven months, but a guy's got to do what a guy's gotta do, right? Right?

Anyway, I'm going to roll up some of these dead weeds I found buried under the snow, have a smoke, and think about what sort of black-market activity I can engage in to make my time here more comfortable.

Until next time,
Fab

FABIO SANDRELLI - FIELD CORRESPONDENT - NOTHING IS SACRED

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I Could Probably Watch This Forever

Totally setting back the cause of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance by several weeks, according to official Goodtime Charlie statistical analysts.

Thanks, Dad...

_

Finally, Another Comedy for Fat People

Kevin James has been off the air for what seems like forever and, as a result, there has been a noticeable--and tragic--dip in the number of fat people trying to be funny on television.

As good as Kevin James was at trying to be funny while fat, however, it always felt like something was not quite right with King of Queens.

You guessed it--his wife. She was too skinny! How is middle America supposed to relate to a skinny, attractive person who looks amazing when rubbed down with baby oil and Photoshopped!

That's not what they want to see on TV!

[Notable exceptions include Seinfeld, Friends, and almost every other TV show ever made--but not Roseanne, thank you very much! -Ed.]

Enter Mike&Molly, one of CBS' certified-platinum fall hits that plans to fill the Kevin James gap. [Gross! -Ed.] Mike is an obese Chicago cop and Molly is an obese 4th-grade teacher, so you know, they are totally relatable on the job front, too.

Meals on Wheels

Foreplay

Apparently, there are men out there that are very interested in fucking obese women in wheelchairs, but they're not sure exactly how to go about it.

Although I am not a chubby-chaser (not that there's anything wrong with that) or some creep with a thing for crippled girls ("), I don't find either element of that sentence surprising.

Because people come in all flavors, right? It's a beautiful thing, right? And if you were into that sort of thing...how would you do it? I mean, how?

Enter a proud "Obese, Tattoo'd, Smut-Mouthed, Wheelchair-Bound Bitchy Artist" with some serious grammar issues to kindly tell these poor saps exactly what they should be doing with their tips.

Here's a taste:

Tip two; foreplay can turn into "forward out of the way" if the wheelchair is not off. When engaging in foreplay with your will chair bound mamma, set adjacent with open legs for us to park our love machine. This assists with the closeness between you and your partner and insures there will not be the always awkward "Fuck, you ran over my toe" dance.

Now remember, foreplay is a way of saying "hello" to one another's body before the big bang goes down. But, what do you do when your love mate can't physically participate at the level in which you play the game? You improvise. Never expect us non-ambulatory females to get down on our knees and undo your pants with our teeth. We need some assistance please. Playful kiss and roam our body. When you feel our hand slowly creeping up your thigh, mind you, this is not a form of teasing we just move slow, retract, raise a brow and look down. We know what you are asking. Bring it on out, we are ready to shake hands and make a new friend.

Tip three; hand jobs go nowhere when you have the grip of a granny. Let us watch.

Tip four; be ready to be one person performing the act of two people. We know when it's time to get down with the get down but we need help lying down.

[For the rest of the spiel, click on this and it will take you to the Village Voice website where I found it.]

I must say, while I admire both her ardor and her candor, this Bitchy Artist seems to be all over the place here.

For example: Since when do people who can't use their legs have "the grip of a granny?" Wouldn't they have the grip of a steel-drivin' man when they need to use their arms for everything all day long? Or has the advent of electric wheelchairs made handicapped peeps with huge upper bodies a thing of the past?

Or maybe she is referring to quadriplegics. But, wait...can quadriplegics even have sex? If you're paralyzed from the neck down, I'm pretty sure that includes your genitals.

Huh.

Well, the good thing is that with all these frustrating unknowns floating around, there are two things we know for sure:

1. There is at least one cock-hungry, obese, wheelchair-bound woman with a weak grip out there who wants some male attention NOW--as long as you are willing to help her out.

2. There is some field-research to be done here in order to authenticate some of this advice, so it is high time you grab that gunny sack full 'o' ludes and head to your local V.A. during 'creepy visitor' hours, average reader. Trust me, it won't seem like a big deal once you're right in the heat of it all. Maybe.

Good luck out there in the trenches, folks--report back soon or I'll make you do it all over again!

_

Finally, a Boy Scout Badge for Fat Kids

As if to reinforce their emphatic anti-homosexuality stance, the Boy Scouts of America have introduced a new badge--for playing video games.

Finally, overweight suburban heterosexual boys can get their first badge!

Next on the docket? Badges for masturbation, weight gain, and accidental napping.

Talk about playing to your audience...


In other Boy Scout news--from three years ago--the Radioactive Boy Scout has been arrested!

Viz:

David Hahn, 31, aka the radioactive boy scout was arrested and charged felony larceny on August 1st [2007] after a maintenance worker saw him stealing a smoke detector (smoke detectors contain a small amount of a radioactive isotope) from a ceiling in an apartment in the complex where he lived in Clinton Township, Michigan. Officials later found 16 smoke detectors in Hahn's Detroit suburb apartment.

Hahn became known as the radioactive boy scout in 1994 for his attempt to build a nuclear reactor in his family's backyard shed in Commerce Township, Michigan, he was 17 at the time.

In August of 1994 police stopped Hahn during a investigation into neighborhood tire thefts. This lead officers to find radioactive materials, chemicals, rocks, plastic, glass bottles and two exploded pipes in his car.

In an interview with Michigan health officials, Hahn, said he had been trying to produce energy and hoped it would help him earn his Eagle Scout badge. He acknowledge having a backyard laboratory in a potting shed at his mother's home.

Hahn's reactor was a large, cored-out block of lead, and he used lithium from $1000 worth of batteries to transform samples of thorium and uranium into fissionable isotopes. He gather radioactive materials by collecting small amounts from household products, such as americium from smoke detectors, thorium form camping lantern mantles, radium from clocks and tritium from gunsights. His home made reactor ended up emitting toxic levels of radioactivity, around 1000 times normal background radiation.

The United States Environmental Protection Agency designated Hahn's mother's property as a superfund hazardous materials cleanup site, dismantled the shed and its contents and buried them as low-level radioactive waste in Utah. Hahn refused medical evaluation for radiation exposure.

Hahn's recent mugshot shows that his face is covered with sores which investigators claim are from exposure to radioactive materials. He is being held on a $5,000 bond in the Macomb County jail. If convicted, he could face up to four years in jail.

(courtesy Rad Journal)

In addition to everything else about this news story, I love that 'cleaning up' a Superfund site amounts to little more than 'burying it in Utah.'

This explains so much about the fine people of Utah...

_

Fat Friday, Vol.6

Happy eating this weekend!

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Fat Friday, Vol.5

Due to intense lobbying by the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, KFC has finally bowed to the pressure and combined the deliciosity of bacon, cheese, and fried chicken into one artery-clogging pseudo-sandwich wad of grease their membership has been clamoring for lo these many years.

Fried chicken as bread, huh? How come nobody thought of this before? Oh yeah, because chicken used to be real meat with bones in it and people didn't use to require bacon with every meal.


So, whether you are lean, mean and unhappy, or maybe just a bit pudgy and finally looking to get serious about becoming obese, then KFC's soon-to-be-released Double-Down is for you.

To be on the safe side, I recommend lining up outside your local KFC by midnight on April 11th, so that you are fully prepared to arrest your heart with this deliciously fried, 99% non-meat super treat at the very first opportunity.

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Men Will Do Anything to Justify Finding Skinny Women Sexy

A group of Dutch scientists recently decided to further probe the fertile scientific mystery of why men prefer to have sex with skinny women, a conundrum that has plagued many of the finest minds in the Western World, as well as most fat women, for millenia.

The pioneering research in the field, which I read about years ago but have been unable to find online, discovered that even men on a remote island who had never seen a copy of Vogue or watched TV found skinny women sexier than larger women--despite the fact that this culture actually prized fat women, as in the Rubenesque heyday for lazy women.

The landmark discovery--that men of all cultures prefer a woman with a waist 70% the size of her hips--was no doubt praised by the avant garde fashion industry, as it boldly refuted the accepted notion that unrealistic images in the media have unfairly shaped sex appeal in the modern age.

7/10 is the biological magic number. Huh. I guess it isn't that unlikely that everything follows a formula, as much as we humans would like to believe we are above the trappings of our biological directives.


Enter the enterprising Dutch rogues, who for some reason decided to outfit a van with two womannequins of different waist-hip ratios (70% and 85%) and drive it around, asking random men to step inside and, in some cases, blindfold themselves, in order to see which inanimate object they would prefer to have sex with. The three categories of test subjects were: blind men, sighted men, and sighted men wearing blindfolds.

Which begs the question--who gets in a stranger's van and blindfolds themselves, much less to grope a womannequin in a "tight-fitting dress?"

You might as well call the soon-to-be-published research paper "Future Victims of Serial Killers Also Prefer Women with a Waist/Hip Ratio of 70%."

Re-posted from USA Today, of all places:

"The blind participants were instructed to feel and touch the waists and hips of the two female mannequin dolls," says the new study. "The experimenter asked them to rate the attractiveness of the body." Then they repeated the effort with sighted men, both the blindfolded and non-blindfolded, recruited by parking the van at a shopping center and asking for volunteers. Honest.

So, you see--it's totally okay for the media to continue promoting skinny women with perfectly-engineered breasts, since men literally cannot help but lust after them. I mean, science is on our side--it's pure biology! It's not our fault! Honest!

_

Fat Friday: Vol.4

Beware that bottomless pasta bowl at Olive Garden this weekend, America--it will catch up with you!

_

I'll Have a Heart Attack, Please

Tired of paying for food?

Just gain like 200 pounds, move to Arizona or Florida, and you can eat for free until you die young. It's true!

Two cardiac-arrest-themed fast food joints on opposite sides of country are locked in a federal lawsuit over restaurant themes.

Heart Attack Grill in Chandler, Ariz. has sued Heart Stoppers Sports Grill in Delray Beach, Fla. Heart Attack's owners argue that Heart Stoppers is too similar to their own restaurant.

Both feature monstrously fatty menus, scantily-clad "nurse" waitresses, and signage with an EKG design. At both restaurants, customers over 350 lbs. eat for free. At Heart Attack Grill, customers who finish the biggest burger on the menu get wheeled out of the restaurant in a wheelchair.

According to Heart Attack's owners, the proprietors of Heart Stoppers were in talks to open a franchise of Heart Attack Grill before they opened their own restaurant in December.

(full article here)

Well, I think the lawsuit is pretty cut and dry, in favor of the Heart Attack Grill. But what about all the future lawsuits, from customers who actually do have heart attacks after eating at their restaurant? I mean, they don't really have a leg to stand on there, since they practically brag about how their food causes heart attacks...

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Fat Friday Vol.3

Looking for a New Year's resolution? Try losing 100 pounds this year.

Regardless of your starting weight, this seems like a good idea to me, as it will not only result in extremely fat people becoming less revolting, but also less traffic on the roads when you consider how many normal people will starve themselves to death or amputate vital limbs.

Huzzah!

Where does one acquire a shirt of this size?

_

Fat Friday Vol.2

As the holiday season draws ever-nearer, I feel it is my duty to remind you, among other things, not to eat so much that you become this guy:



Especially if you're on my flight home.

Finding it hard to relate because you're a home-schooled young buck yet to be teased so mercilessly you eat even more, as if that will solve your problem? Go look in the mirror and see if you look like one of these sick little Big Boys:

Midwestern mealtime!

Miami mealtime!

If you do, then trust me--you need to lose weight fast or monsters will eat you first since you are more flavorful than the lean boys in town and, luckily for us non-fatties, monsters are not yet health-conscious enough to discover the importance of a compromise between flavor and calories.

[As soon as they do, we are all as good as dead, since rather than fight back we will all be trying frantically to coerce each other into end-of-the-world sex. We are a sadly predictable species... - Ed.]

On the other hand, please don't get so afraid of becoming fat that you push it to the other extreme and start looking like this equal-but-opposite unsexy beast:

The monsters enjoy eating these guys out of spite.

Fair warning, world...

_

Fat Friday

In honor of Fat Friday, here are two scary photos to stop you from binge-eating this weekend:





Poor little things, just trying to get by on fourteen pizzas a day and the good Lord had the cruel nerve to curse them with voluntary obesity...they didn't have a chance!

Instead of eating food this weekend, please make a difference by donating your hard-earned money to the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance.

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Not Sure I Totally Agree, But It's a Valid Point

I wonder what the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance would have to say about this. I'll let you know when I hear from them.

Breaking...

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Entire Peruvian Nation Now On Master Cleanse

You're looking at about 3.6 million pounds...sterling!

No matter what the fashion, cosmetics, and film industries say, there is new and undeniable evidence that fat people ARE worth something these days.

And it is turning them into walking targets:

LIMA, Peru — A gang in the remote Peruvian jungle has been killing people for their fat, police charged Thursday, draining it from their corpses and offering it on the black market for use in cosmetics. Medical experts expressed skepticism that a major market for fat might exist.

Three suspects have confessed to killing five people for their fat, said Col. Jorge Mejia, chief of Peru's anti-kidnapping police. He said the suspects, two of whom were arrested carrying bottles of liquid fat, told police it was worth $60,000 a gallon ($15,000 a liter).

...Mejia said Castillejos confessed that the gang would cut off its victims' heads, arms and legs, remove the organs, then suspend the torsos from hooks above candles that warmed the flesh as the fat dripped into tubs below.

Six members of the gang remain at large, Mejia said, adding that in addition to the five killings the suspects confessed to, the gang may be involved in dozens more. Castillejos told police that the band's fugitive leader, 56-year-old Hilario Cudena, has been killing to extract fat from victims for more than three decades.

At least 60 people are listed as missing in Huanuco province, where the gang allegedly operated, this year alone, though the province is also home to drug-trafficking leftist rebels.

Mejia said police received a tip four months ago that human fat from the jungle was being sold in Lima. In August, he said, police infiltrated the band and later obtained some of the amber fluid, which a police lab confirmed as human fat.

...Police named the band the "Pishtacos" after a Peruvian myth dating to pre-Columbian times of men who killed to extract human fat, quartering their victims with machetes.

Mejia said Castillejos claimed his was not the only gang engaged in such killings.

...Dr. Adam Katz, a professor of plastic surgery at the University of Virginia medical school, was incredulous when told about the Peruvian ring.

"I can't see why there would be a black market for fat," he said. "It doesn't make any sense at all because in most countries we can get fat so readily and in such amounts from people who are willing and ready to donate that I don't see why there would ever be a black market for fat, of all tissues." (read full article here)

Whether or not the existence of a black market for human fat should exist is irrelevant--it seems unlikely that these gang members would go through all that disgusting butchery/rendering for no reason, so they MUST be selling that fat to somebody for something.

Can it really be that hard to figure out whom? Or are the culprits too well-connected to face consequences? If this is all part of another risky Wall Street investment scheme, I swear I'm gonna...wait a minute--this could be just the miracle cure we've been looking for all this time!

Considering the favorable trade-off between liposuction costs and black-market fat prices--especially once costs go down as the number of procedures skyrockets--there might be some real money to be made here, America!

Maybe if 'the powers that be' were to turn our abundant fat reserves into a tradeable commodity and create a Cellulite Czar to control the flow to the marketplace--in order to keep prices high through manufactured scarcity, like DeBeers has perfected with diamonds--the Great Depression Redux might finally become a blip in our rearview mirror and America can proudly stand atop the world once more, stomping our rivals to dust as we laugh our way to the bank and increase consumption to even more grotesque levels.

Ahhh--a return to the good ole days would be nice...

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Y'all Better Recognize

This place exists---

The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance

So, you know, go ahead and have that third pint of Chunky Monkey as you flip through those Grishams on the loveseat-for-two occupied by one. You'll be okay--you've got people.

OR

Your neighbors might not even know you exist and you die there after intrepid, underpaid emergency crews brave the stench to spend six-hours extracting you and your couch from your home and doctors fail in their attempt to surgically remove your skin from the fabric of the couch.

Roll the dice, baby! Life's a gamble, right? Right?!

_

Silly Fox, People Want to ESCAPE from Reality...

The moment has arrived: fat people will be on your television screen.

"For six years it's been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that's not what the dating world looks like," Fox president of alternative Mike Darnell said. "Why don't real women -- the women who watch these shows, for the most part -- have a chance to find love too?"

Not that I disagree with his claim that fat women are the biggest consumers of shitty reality TV, but his logic--not to mention Public Relations skills--leaves something to be desired. I don't care if you use the cute excuse/phrase More to Love as the title of your show--the bottom line is that fat women do not like it when you point out the fact that they are fat. And you just did. Irreparably.

Not only that, but it is important to remember that television is an escape. True reality shows would never work--who wants to sit on their couch and watch footage of somebody else sitting on their couch, eating the same microwaved pizza pocket as their three cats hiss at them from the other side of the room?

Hence the existence of 'staged reality with hot people,' and its relative success. Just as plebeians are fascinated with the day-to-day mundanity of the rich and famous, they are also obsessed with watching how sexy people lead their lives, how people treat them differently, how much more fun they have, how much more sex they have, and, yet, how many problems they still have.

The only successful show I can think of that involves fat people is The Biggest Loser, but one of the reasons that show works is because the contestants are SO FAT that they not only make regular fat people feel better about themselves but also serve as hilarious comic relief after a mind-numbing CSI / American Idol evening on the couch.

Prognosis? Cancellation.


Bonus Photo:


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We Are Five Wild and Crazy Guys!!!!!

New York Times Enters the Storied Realm of the Obvious

Apparently, and the evidence is--I must stress--technically unreliable at this point:

"A new study finds striking evidence that children who are obese or have high cholesterol show early warning signs of heart disease."

Fat kids with high cholesterol have an increased risk for heart disease? No shit...

For more fascinating facts, please read the article.

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Can't Wait Til This Trend Hits the Lucrative U.S. 'Unselfconscious Fat Girl' Market

Although these photos are 'allegedly' digitally manipulated for Japanese porno magazines (soft-core, I assume), according to Snopes.com, you know it is only a matter of time before some Joe Francis / Forever 21 wannabe decides to actually create them.

Or will Bebe beat them to the punch?