Who Doesn't Love a Psychologically-Damaged, Overly-Vain Mystery Bride?

The end is nigh, folks, as this will be coming to your television screen before you can stop it:

The [E!] network is set to announce "Bridalplasty," where brides-to-be compete in wedding-themed challenges to win extensive surgical procedures.

Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her "wish list." She's given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week's episode.

One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show's description, "possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride."

The last bride standing will receive a "dream wedding," where she will reveal her new appearance to friends, family and the groom. "Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery," E! said.

(courtesy Hollywood Reporter)

Oh, my God! I can't wait for the bitchy cat fights as these women maneuver to have their foes eliminated one-by-one! And the daily sobbing as they talk about how their noses/chins/cheekbones/butts/breasts/un-rejuvenated vaginas have conspired to ruin their lives!

But mostly I can't wait to see the looks on those husbands' faces when they lift up the veil on their wedding day and realize they just married a perfect stranger who used to be a crazy person they loved for some reason!

It just doesn't get much better than that, if you are looking for one perfect moment that defines a new low in the Global Corporate Village known as the Western World. The ascent of Beck/Palin and the Double Down were just foreshocks and now we must brace ourselves for the mighty quake.

As far as aftershocks go, we also have these three turds to look forward to avoiding this fall:

The Defenders - Jim Belushi (!) and Jerry O'Connell (!)...together at last! Not since DeNiro and Pacino in Heat has America been this excited about an actor pairing. For those of you who are confused, Jim is John Belushi's less-talented brother and Jerry O'Connell is the kid who was in Stand By Me who is married to Rebecca Romijn. Two of the finest examples of the new American dream--failing upward.

Undercovers - The tired Mr. and Mrs. Smith dynamic all over again, but worse. The catchy twist: They're black this time!

Mike & Molly - Two fat people (read: relatable!) fall in love in Middle America while performing endearingly working-class jobs. From wikipedia: "The series, set in Chicago, follows two obese people, Mike Biggs [Get it! -Ed.], a police officer who wants to shed some pounds, and Molly Flynn, a fourth-grade teacher wanting to embrace her curves, who meet at an Overeaters anonymous group and become an unlikely pair. However, they also have to deal with the comments, jokes, and criticism from Mike's fast-talking partner Carl McMillan; Molly's slim sister Victoria and mother Joyce; and Samuel, a Senegalese waiter at the cops' favorite restaurant."

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Heidi Montag Knows Hyperbole

She may not know what the word means, but Heidi Montag should receive a Celebrity Merit Badge for Hyperbole.

First, her freaky, hyperbolically-curvy, wax-figurine body, courtesy of plastic surgeon Frank Ryan:

Second, the Team Heidi-approved Twitters after said plastic surgeon drove his Jeep off a cliff along the Pacific Coast Highway and died:

I am devastated to hear the news of Dr. Frank Ryan's death. He was the most amazing person I have ever known. He was an angel and changed my life and the lives of everyone he met. He was the most brilliant talented surgeon who will ever exist. Dr. Frank Ryan changed the world.

My thoughts and prayers go out to his mother, family, friends, and anyone who was ever blessed enough to meet him. He is in a better place.

(Courtesy Huffington Post)

"The most brilliant surgeon who will ever exist," who "changed the lives of everyone he met?"

Yeah, right. I believe that almost as much as I believe Heidi has the capacity to be "devastated" by anything, or that Dr. Moron "is in a better place"--he's in Hell, baby! Yeah!

Which, for the record, is much worse than being paid millions of dollars for totally unnecessary surgical procedures and then using the money to cavort around Southern California changing people's lives for the worse, all the while giggling and doing lines of silicone off the dashboard.

I have no evidence to support this claim, but something tells me Dr. Frank may have driven off a cliff because his latest 'perfect' monster (Two heads with six tongues, mounted on a giant breast!) was giving him head and it was so fantastic he just couldn't take it.

Or maybe that's just some hyperbole right there...who's to know?

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Your F***ing Troubles Are Over, Man!

As seen in Brentwood Magazine--the magazine for the discerning Angeleno:

Finally, something for the girl who thought she had it all. Available in peach, brown, and black. Please ignore the fact that this highly-specialized comfort device was designed to look exactly like a truncated penis--it's just a coincidence.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Is Unhappy With Her Body

Ever the trend-setter--just another side effect of her unstoppable genius--the lovely Gwyneth decided to leapfrog all those plastic surgery fools and go straight to the cutting-edge shit.

Since her legs were getting "icky," she decided to just cut them off and have a couple anatomically-correct, scientifically-miraculous, animatronic legs attached in their place.

Expect the blindingly-glossy sheen to be cut way down with the upcoming second generation.

Until then, for your own safety, please try to avoid looking directly at Mrs. Paltrow's legs--especially if you are operating heavy machinery in her vicinity. Her legal defense fund will thank you.

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Italy Takes a Brave Step

Sono spiacente, bambinas, but if you are a woman in Italy younger than 18, you are no longer allowed to get breast implants.

If anybody needed concrete evidence that Berlusconi's power has waned, this is it, folks.

The details, according to The Telegraph:

[Italian Undersecretary Francesca Martini] said: "This legislation is primarily aimed at the growing number of girls under 18 who have breast enhancement surgery purely for fashion reasons and have no idea of the risks involved.

"Far too many adolescent girls are unaware of the fact that there are risks with this type of surgery and it should not be used purely for fashion and looks. At the moment we have a Wild West, cowboy style system of plastic surgery for young women and this must stop."

So, wait. They are not aware of the risks involved and they do it for fashion? I had trouble understanding you since you repeated everything twice; maybe that's why you're still an undersecretary, Frankie?

Anyway, the Undersecretary for Redundancy made it very clear that this "Wild West, cowboy-style" system has gotten out of hand and is out of control. So...exactly what kind of numbers are we talking about here?

According to statistics from the Italian Society of Plastic Surgeons there are around 85,000 breast enhancement operations a year in Italy, of which 70 per cent are for aesthetic reasons and 30 per cent follow cancer treatment.

Okay...but how many teenagers, since that's the point here? Well, it turns out the Telegraph did not feel like that was an important detail, but according to Huffington Post, "approximately 10,000 teenage girls worldwide had the surgery performed in 2008."

Too many? Certainly.

"Cowboy?" No.

Unless 99% of them occurred in Italy, which I find difficult to believe considering the current level of Stateside shenanigans...

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Hubba Hubba!

(photo courtesy TMZ)

I think I just found the cover photograph for Nadya Suleman's eagerly-anticipated-by-losers upcoming book.

Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ that is a distended abdomen. Where is all that skin going to go? Can she donate it to a burn unit somewhere? Would they even want it? Who wants somebody else's stretch marks on their face? Or is that already already some kind of fetish among people with whom I would never willingly associate?

I shudder at the thought, but it would not surprise me, not in this world.

If she is unable to find a capable plastic surgeon in Southern California, once her literary career crashes and burns, Nadya at least has a future in the potentially-lucrative stretch-mark-fetish market on Craigslist. Or the one in Africa.

That should put at least one of her fourteen kids through community college.

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For $90K, Who COULDN'T Look Like Heidi Klum for a Day?

Breast Augmentation---$4000-10,000
Tummy Tuck-------------$3000-8500
Nose Job------------------$3000-8000
Facial Rejuvenation----$1000-2000
Body Lift------------------$12,000-40,000
Designer Hair Cut------$1200
Teeth Whitening--------$500

That leaves between $19,800 and $65,300 for clothing, shoes, professional make-up application, manicure/pedicure, smiling lessons, and an extra five inches of leg.

Why the random $90,000 figure, you ask? Because that is what a production company must spend to make Heidi Klum look like Heidi Klum whenever she is to be photographed, filmed, or videotaped (Starbucks runs not included). The $90,000 buys you two wardrobe stylists, a hair stylist, a make-up artist, a manicurist, and a seamstress.

Shocked? I should hope so.