Thursday, March 10, 2011
The Classics Revisited
Sometimes it's easy to be brilliant--all you have to do is have a great idea that is simple to execute and go ahead and do it. So go do it, Internet! For the kids, so they understand where we came from.
Thanks for the simple brilliance, Videogum/Internet--put another fur in your cap and keep up the good work.
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Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Because Why Not?
New York just seems so incredibly boring and normal I don't know how people there can stand it. They should all move to Los Angeles, where things are interesting...
[Thanks for the tip, Videogum]
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Friday, February 4, 2011
Men Just Shouldn't Strip
I'm not saying there aren't any women out there who enjoy a good ole-fashioned heterosexual strip-tease, but what I am saying is I've never met one. So I have to assume those types of women are rare.
Mostly, male strippers work bachelorette parties (aka the most boring parties ever) and the girls get really drunk and red in the face and pretend like they are enjoying what is happening, when really they are supremely uncomfortable, perched on the end of their seats, every cell in their body on high-alert, hoping he completely ignores them, living in fear that he might try to touch them.
And so they sit on the fringe of the group and watch their one "whore" friend (apparently there is always one) have some strange man grope her breasts, as he dances like a tone-deaf arrhythmic epileptic and throws his briefs in her face.
In case you've never seen this sort of thing in person, here is a delightfully-vintage video I shot during the Eighties that illustrates what I'm trying to convey here:
Notice how she never uncrosses her legs? There is no way she's giving him anything to hold on to down there--and it appears she is some sort of adult model or porn actress. Imagine how your average woman would react to that dude...
[Thanks for the tip, Videogum]
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Monday, November 8, 2010
He's Back, Baby!
Yes, this is a real movie--directed by Jodie Foster, no less (discuss).
Yes, it was shot before (some of) that shit went down.
Yes, the notecard says something else on the real poster.
Yes, much like the man himself this project was a bad idea from the instant it was conceived.
Yes, you will probably see it with your family this holiday season and/or receive it on BluRay from a friend as a Valentine's Day gag gift.
Yes, you all should be ashamed of yourselves.
Aside from the movie crew's community-saving bribes to dozens of unemployed+underwater homeowners near the shooting location pretending to mow their lawn every day, probably the only good to come of this debacle is all of the anti-fan art out there on the web.
Viz:
For even more anti-fan art, check out the endless comments on the post that inspired mine at Videogum.
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Monday, November 1, 2010
Scratch THIS, A$$hole...
Am I the only one who realizes how smooth that thing looks--how could it possibly compete with the scratching monster that is bark?
Here's to hoping this stupid prick fails to make $36,000 off this and has to start selling vital organs to pay back the police department for part of their emergency rescue bills...
(Thanks, Videogum)
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Saturday, October 30, 2010
Sometimes It's Hard
Just ask this dude, who appears to try the feat for the first time in front of a crowd with at least one video camera and no doubt an arsenal of snarky comments:
I just hope that poor Cobra Kai runt had enough meth in his gi to see him home before he got beaten-up by a gang of bored 12 year-old cheerleaders.
(Thanks, Videogum)
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Friday, October 8, 2010
There is Nothing to Fear
I have to admit--I was secretly elated to hear this news. I've been seriously worried about this shit since like October, thought the end of the world (as we know it) was nigh.
So...champagne anyone? I stockpiled just in case and now it will all go bad before I would ever want to finish it by myself in a non-apocalypse situation.
I shouldn't give my address out online, cuz there are creeps out there who would send me feces-smeared love notes in broken English, so just meet me in the park. I'm easy to find when you want to--I'll be the creep talking to himself on a park bench, wearing a vest because I'm afraid of drowning, and giving everybody the stinkeye. Let's be friends.
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Friday, September 17, 2010
The Dark Side of Youtube
This is one of those videos:
Shock and awe, folks. Shock and awe.
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Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I Can't Stop Laughing
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Elves are the Tallest of All the Nature Spirits
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Death by Cuteness
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I Could Probably Watch This Forever
Totally setting back the cause of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance by several weeks, according to official Goodtime Charlie statistical analysts.
Thanks, Dad...
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Pretty Sure I Made This Movie in High School
Turn your speakers down a bit and prepare to be thoroughly amused by Uganda's most fantasticalistic cinematic export ever:
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Thursday, April 22, 2010
Walt Disney is My Surrealist Father
Had to re-post this bit of brilliant drivel I read on Videogum today:
At today’s Sorcerer’s Apprentice press conference, someone asked [Nicholas] Cage how he chooses whether to go way over the top (like in Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call, New Orleans) or hold back (like in Adaptation.) And he responded:
"Thank you for noticing, because first of all, it’s difficult to talk about the work, right? Because when you talk about the work, it’s kind of stupid because the work speaks for itself. I don’t want to name it, because when you name it, if you name it then it loses its mystery. If I tell you exactly what I was thinking, or what I was up to – and I have been guilty of that – then you lose your secret connection with the work of art. And I digress, but I went on Dick Cavett many years ago and met Miles Davis. And I was talking about things like art synthesis and Picasso and you can do with acting what he did, or with music, and Miles came out and he got it, you know, he was looking at me, he gave me this, like – he nodded and he winked at me. Miles Davis, you know. And we were sharing the trumpet. And ever since then, because he accepted whatever my philosophy was, I believe that I wanted to approach acting as jazz. And so he became like a surrealist father of sorts, along with Walt Disney. And I thought, 'Okay. Well, this time, I’m going to just let anything come out, whatever it may be. Like Bad Lieutenant, you know. But sometimes, it’s really thought out and constructed and carefully thought out, like Adaptation. So I always like to mix it up."
The most amazing thing about this is that a person actually said it, with no intention of being funny.
The most disappointing aspect of it is that Cage's rambling monologue about "art synthesis and Picasso" is not readily available for me to listen to and laugh at.
Anybody out there got a bootleg Dick Cavett box set? I'm looking in your direction, Charles Grodin...
Stop hittin' on my chick and get me my shit, Beethoven!Where I come from, we don't share trumpets...
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Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The World's Most Uncomfortable Green Room?

Pedophilia has been in the news a lot these days, thanks to those pervy Catholics, and I feel it is my duty to take this opportunity to warn you all that pedophilia does not always happen behind closed doors or confessional curtains--sometimes it goes on right in front of your eyes, on national television.

Just Like Mom was the longest-running game show in Canadian history, even though it was only on the air for six seasons (How quaint!-Ed.).
The last five seasons were hosted by famed Toronto Blue Jays announcer Fergie Olver, who was the husband (now divorced) of the show's creator, Catherine Swing--which is an unfortunate name, considering what follows (Zing! -Ed.).
Now, I am the first to admit that I don't know much about Mr. Olver--including whether or not he is still alive--but that is only because his wikipedia profile has been deleted and scouring the internet has mysteriously (?) turned up no leads.
Most likely that is a result of his camp's reaction to the following video, which no doubt has made life extraordinarily difficult for Mr. Olver, if he is still alive:
Keep in mind that this is what happened when he knew the cameras were on.
What happened backstage after the show? What happened during casting sessions? What happened when he took the winning kids to Walt Disney World?
If anything more sinister ever happened besides these televised kisses, I hope he died a painful death, bled dry as a result of repeated slashes of his penis with a dull, rusted knife wielded by a vengeful victim.

Can you believe the good people of Canada let this go on for so long? Did they think it was cute that it seems all Fergie was after was a kiss on the lips from little girls?
I mean, I know it was 'a different era' and this is a heavily-edited video, but still--if an unwanted kiss happened even once it would be worth mentioning, and that is clearly not the case.
Hmmmm...methinks once again, as with 'the Catholic situation,' the rise of the military-industrial complex, the lip-service of modern-day politicians, real-estate speculation, the health-care situation, Social-Security raiding, and the current omnipotence of guilt-free corporations, previous generations were asleep at the wheel and future generations must pay the price.
So sad...
(Thanks to Videogum, btw, for introducing me to this ass-clown!)
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