For Your Consideration:

Allie Loves--and Respects--Pancakes

Here is an interesting new(ish) website for you to check out every so often, whenever you need a cutting-edge pancake design to impress that certain-special-someone (aka Carrot Top):

http://www.jimspancakes.com

It's called Jim's Pancakes and although they do not look super edible, much less tasty--something about the bright colors just makes me think of Play-Doh--they are pretty cool to look at. And his daughter seems to love them. Although kids also love eating dirt and glue, so who knows.

Here is a video showing Jim making bacon and egg pancakes:

Be the Envy of the Upper East Side

Get your square watermelon today!

These totally unnecessary items are only $75.00 each and available wherever obscenely wealthy people might actually spend that much on something worth $3.00--New York, Germany, the Netherlands, and Japan.

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Fat Friday, Vol.6

Happy eating this weekend!

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Fat Friday: Vol.4

Beware that bottomless pasta bowl at Olive Garden this weekend, America--it will catch up with you!

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I'll Have a Heart Attack, Please

Tired of paying for food?

Just gain like 200 pounds, move to Arizona or Florida, and you can eat for free until you die young. It's true!

Two cardiac-arrest-themed fast food joints on opposite sides of country are locked in a federal lawsuit over restaurant themes.

Heart Attack Grill in Chandler, Ariz. has sued Heart Stoppers Sports Grill in Delray Beach, Fla. Heart Attack's owners argue that Heart Stoppers is too similar to their own restaurant.

Both feature monstrously fatty menus, scantily-clad "nurse" waitresses, and signage with an EKG design. At both restaurants, customers over 350 lbs. eat for free. At Heart Attack Grill, customers who finish the biggest burger on the menu get wheeled out of the restaurant in a wheelchair.

According to Heart Attack's owners, the proprietors of Heart Stoppers were in talks to open a franchise of Heart Attack Grill before they opened their own restaurant in December.

(full article here)

Well, I think the lawsuit is pretty cut and dry, in favor of the Heart Attack Grill. But what about all the future lawsuits, from customers who actually do have heart attacks after eating at their restaurant? I mean, they don't really have a leg to stand on there, since they practically brag about how their food causes heart attacks...

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Shrimp Rules

Overheard in my brain earlier tonight:


"That was too gross. I've finally chosen my side of the fence--I think it should be illegal to fry shrimp."

"What? Why?" She says ignorantly, while wearing an unfortunate sweater and smelling badly.

"Because it tastes like high-calorie, deep-fried, buttered bread crumbs and when I order shrimp, I want to taste fresh, delicious shrimp, not something worse than frozen fish sticks. And no tax-paying (throw the rest in the fire and dance around it while drinking Cuban rum and failing to convince the last two local Homecoming Queens to check out the upholstery in the backseat of my fully-restored-by-somebody-I-hired GTO) citizen should be allowed the option of eating that shit."

"Kiss me, Roderick..."

Especially fond of the parenthetical segment of my last ejaculation, she melted into my arms like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter on a delightfully pockmarked ear of Indian corn roasting over the space heater in your low-rent-but-tastefully-decorated-if-never-even-dusted-and-kinda-grimy-Flatbush-third-floor-walk-up-Nevada-whorehouse of an apartment. It was totally radical.

Meanwhile, I stared--unblinking--into the clogged pores on the nose of a termite on the left posterior heel of her soft-coated schnitzel hound, who was sitting just across the room, in the darkened doorway to my sanctuary, and my eyes grew more dangerous with each passing breath.

Anything was possible.

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No Wonder Babies Don't Want to Come Out!

Finger-lickin' good!

I have to tell you a little story. A story about the determination of the human spirit. And barbecue sauce.

It's a story that I swear is true, although I have been unable to unearth even a shred of internet evidence during a few thorough searches.

Here we go:

Years ago, when men were men, I read in a newspaper (remember those?) that shockwaves rippled through the New Orleans area when it turned out the winner of the annual BBQ sauce contest for the last 10-15 years was using amniotic fluid as his secret ingredient.



Say what?!

Yes. That was not a typo--I did not mean to say "pectin" and accidentally typed "amniotic fluid."

How was this discovered? Well, he was arrested--for the second time in a few years--at a local hospital, in disguise, trying to steal several large drums of amniotic fluid from wherever it is they keep those sorts of things in a hospital, as they await collection and disposal (into our rivers and streams) by one of our country's fine waste management companies.

When questioned by police, he owned up to the scheme and the policemen (probably) vomited all over him and threw away their stash of BBQ sauce in the office kitchen.

Just for a minute, imagine the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realize that for the last fifteen years, you have been smothering every goddamn piece of meat you have put in your mouth in a veritable cocktail of the amniotic fluid collected from the uteri of dozens, if not hundreds, of pregnant women in your county.


Much like Ace Ventura post-Einhorn-realization, there is no way to scrub that filth off you--it is in your very living tissue at this point.

Now try to imagine how desperate you would have to be, in your quest to win your city's vaunted BBQ sauce contest with a magical secret ingredient, to wind up trying the ole 'amniotic fluid' angle. I'm sure he tried at least a few other flavors first, right? What were they? Shit, mucus, and menstrual blood?

And...then what? Where did he get his first taste of amniotic fluid, to see if it would work? It's not exactly easy to come by--did he force his wife to give birth in their kitchen so he could whip up a test batch?

I mean, even placentophagists (get ready to open a whole new world when you click on this link) don't consume the amniotic fluid when they eat their placenta, so it's not like it's a delicacy elsewhere and we're just being nancy boys about it over here.

Alright, alright--this is getting too gross; but you should check this link out for a laugh before you go. And for those of you BBQ sauce lovers out there, don't worry--I don't think it was Sweet Baby Ray's, although that would have been SO perfect.

"Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce--Now with 50% More Amniotic Fluid!"


...and THAT'S why you should always read the list of ingredients.


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