Who Doesn't Love a Good Penis?

What would we do without people in the woods who have a lot of time on their hands and know how to use a chainsaw? Answer: Be way more bored.

Thank you, Woodmen of the World (WOW)!

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The Classics Revisited

Sometimes it's easy to be brilliant--all you have to do is have a great idea that is simple to execute and go ahead and do it. So go do it, Internet! For the kids, so they understand where we came from.

Thanks for the simple brilliance, Videogum/Internet--put another fur in your cap and keep up the good work.

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For Those a Y'all About to Get Romantic

Clock this, dawg--you done got showed-up fo-show!

And I bet when you woke up this morning curled up under your 2000-thread-count Hermês duvet with a soiled Playboy/girl stuck to your paw you thought you had this little boy right where you wanted him, totally out of contention for Romantic Person of the Year.

But the votes are in and you lost. 7,000,000,000 to 0.

¡Lo siento, cabron!

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We Haven't Talked About Dorks Enough Lately

If you're a middle-aged man who loves trikes, you'll love the Uno!

If you believe every famous actress/actor/musician/model--and I do, unequivocally--they each used to be "such a big dork in high school."

So, clearly, all the dorks grow up to be sexy, cool, and rich...okay...but what becomes of the meatheads who major in football/cheerleading and minor in autoshop/blowjobs-under-the-bleachers, you ask?

Well, they all grow up to be dorks who buy an Uno to get around town. Probably.

Is that the perfect revenge? Some 19 year-old dork designs the Uno and gets rich--and cool--as all the cool kids from his high school lose their hair/wives/looks and buy Unos to impress the fat Leather Mommas smoking outside the biker bar?

Hmmm...assuming we all have to be a dork at some point in our lives, I'm glad I got that out of the way in high school and can have been able to spend the rest of my life basking in an unrelenting torrent of coolness, soaking in my oceanside saltwater hot tub, telling jokes to eager supermodels and making fun of Emeril as he grills my dinner.

Oh, and I definitely need to look into getting Biff to detail my entire collection of classic automobiles on a daily basis, while I'm at it, since I just never know which one I want to drive ahead of time...

Thanks, Biff--now go home and suck an egg!

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Happy New Year to Those Less-Fortunate Men Out There

 
Like this guy.

And this guy:

(courtesy Getty Images)

And this guy:

And especially this guy:

I hope things get better for all of you this year, but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. Or, wait a minute--I probably would...til I pass out while reclining in a bubble bath.

Hell can't be any worse, right? Might as well give it a shot.

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Crazy House

Looks like somebody in Vietnam caught a case of the Gaudis (see his Casa Batllo) and designed himself a regular Crazy House (see below). Elsewhere in the world, the crazy had nothing to do with Gaudi (maybe), but the buildings are just as fascinatingly beautiful.

CrazyHouse in Dalat, Vietnam, found here

CrazyHouse (street view?) in Dalat, Vietnam, found here

CrazyHouse2 in Ramat-Gan, Tel Aviv found here

CrazyHouse3 found here

Dessert:

Here is a website featuring many more interesting/crazy buildings from around the world:

http://www.roxanneardary.com/blog/unusual-architecture-from-around-the-world/

Enjoy your exploring, trusty internet explorers! And please see your nearest Boy Scout troop leader for your merit badge upon completion of your journey to crazy town.

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For Your Consideration:

Lower-Class Twit of the Year Competition Results Are In

The votes are in, folks, and the twittiest of the lower-class twits from across this gorgeous globe have been identified and ranked in a highly scientific process know as a "boondoggle."

Here are the results to share with your friends:


Gold Medal -

That is one disturbed belly-button/cat

 Silver Medal -

This guy's girlfriend must never let him take his shirt off at pool parties.

Oh, wait--he's never had one.

 Bronze Medal (with special commendation for supreme idiocy) -

Jolene must be so proud of her little skinhead

Kids at home, please take note--this is what you either should or should not do, depending on how you want your life to turn out. Good luck figuring that shit out!

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And a good day to you, sir!

Nicholas Cage (nee Coppola) shows off the top form that earned him his cherished Celebrity Merit Badge for Transvestic Fetishism.

Bravo, Nicoletta! Così sexy voglio avergli sesso con!

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The Lords of ComicCon

You thought you were the coolest nerds in the universe, eh? You thought you had the most nerdstyle?

Well, check this shit out and recognize, fool:

What a coat!

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Holy Hot Pants, Batman!

Arguably the best thing Luis Guzman has done since Boogie Nights. Bravissimo!

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Breast Milk Is So Hot Right Now

Available for purchase at only the finest internet bullshit outlets. Like this one.

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This Must Be What Russian Prostitutes Are Like

уговорено?

Judging from the snow, coats, and cold hands, I hope those are control-top pantyhose with limited-edition faux-mink lining on their legs...

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Who Else Would They Marry?

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HOLY SHIT

For everybody who is interested in dabbling in some meth (I know you're out there--the numbers don't lie), take a look at the following horrific photos after the jump--if you have the stomach for it...

Tired of Being Too Tan, Topless Woman Plunges to Her Death

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Mood Swing, in Pictures

Depressing:

(screen capture from teens.aol.com - yes, it exists)

Exciting:

(Photo courtesy Getty Images, via the Guardian)

The lesson to be learned here, world, is that fairy-tale building decor (and wardrobe/kitten to match) is not only much more exciting, but also healthier for you than the existence of a couple of media-groomed little shits with blow-dried hair who have way more money than everyone you know (combined) for no good reason.

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Whenever You're Feeling Down...

Just be thankful you are not one of these tragedies:

Bows and Arrows Are So Hot Right Now

I don't know how you feel about it, Internet, but I think Lindsay Lohan looked pretty damn good at this photo shoot the other day. And she showed up for work! Double points!

I mean, her ass is just...jutting right out there. If it weren't for the meth-breath, the persecution complex, the idiocy, and the craziness, I could see myself settling down and growing to love that little potbelly.

Dare to dream, kids--dare to dream.


(For more photos, check out dlisted)

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Vintage Prom Photo

Isn't that just adorable? A poor man's Steve Jobs got to take Alice in Wonderland to his senior prom. When you think about what they probably look like now, it seems criminal. Thank you, Father Time!

"You're welcome!"

These two freshly-scrubbed kids seem a bit young to be wearing these kinds of clothes, but when you look at their faces for long enough (no less than fourteen hours), they seem totally comfortable in them, as if they were born to be adults. It's impressive.

This couple looks right out of Saturday Night Fever and I love it--despite the fact that it's tinged with sadness, as her corsage is an embarrassment and that always ruins a night on the town.

These next two nightowls have got to be from the South and, with that in mind, this photo is not only inadvertently hilarious but also could have been taken anywhere from 1950-2010.

But this is by far the most surprising thing I saw on my recent tour of the internet:

Fourteen results? That just doesn't seem right.

Hopefully, I've been able to change things with this missive, get things back on the right track--to right what once went wrong, you might say. I'll have to try it again and see what happens.


DEVELOPING...

Update:

More. In less time. It worked; I don't know how, but it worked...

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