Are we not already?

Theoretical physicist and stater-of-the-obvious Stephen Hawking recently informed the people of Earth that they should be afraid of aliens.

Viz:

World renowned scientist Stephen Hawking believes extraterrestrial life almost certainly exists -- and humans should be extremely cautious about interacting with it.

He suggests that aliens might simply raid Earth for its resources and then move on:

"We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet. I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach."

He concludes that trying to make contact with alien races is "a little too risky". He said: "If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn't turn out very well for the Native Americans."

(courtesy Huffington Post)

I mean, how many movies do we have to make/watch about this exact hypothetical situation before scientists understand that we get it?

I wish Stephen Hawking and his ilk would stop being so theoretical/theatrical and spend their time on more constructive endeavors, like inventing an alien-slaughtering death ray.

In other news, you should be afraid of snakes--very afraid:

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No, Thank You

I know it must be hard to make a buck in China, but still...

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Christmas Present Ideas! Vol.2

Hi-dee-ho!

Since it truly does take all kinds to keep this fucked-up world on its feet, I will continue to tirelessly scour the world for unique gifts this holiday season (Vol.1 available here) until all your loved ones have exactly what they may or may not want under that tree/menorah/bush/toilet.

Without further ado, more gift ideas for the person who thought they had everything:


Did your nephew once say he liked Star Wars? Then buy him this obscenely large and expensive desk made to look like Han Solo frozen in carbonite. He will absolutely love the way it fills his entire dorm room and makes him instantly popular with girls!


If you know somebody who is lonely this holiday season, snakes make wonderful, loving pets--as long as they never escape from their electrified pen and sink their teeth into your face.


He's not full of it anymore! OH!
Now if only that gray base was Glenn Beck's face...hmmm...back to the drawing board!


[interesting Mr. Hankey genesis story available here]

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"And the award for stupidest person of the minute goes to..."

Brett Ratner, well-known Stupid Person but NOT this minute's winner

I know the idiots are legion, but this dude Darnell edged them out by a Karl-Malden nose:

A pet Burmese python measuring more than 8 feet long broke out of a terrarium and strangled a 2-year-old girl in her bedroom Wednesday at a central Florida home, authorities said. Shaiunna Hare was already dead when paramedics arrived at about 10 a.m., Lt. Bobby Caruthers of the Sumter County Sheriff's Office said.

Charles Jason Darnell, the snake's owner and the boyfriend of Shaiunna's mother, discovered the snake missing from its terrarium and went to the girl's room, where he found it on the girl and bite marks on her head, Caruthers said. Darnell, 32, stabbed the snake until he was able to pry the child away.

"The baby's dead!" a sobbing caller from the house screamed to a 911 dispatcher in a recording. "Our stupid snake got out in the middle of the night and strangled the baby."

Authorities did not identify the caller and removed the person's name from the recording.

"She got out of the cage last night and got into the baby's crib and strangled her to death," the caller said.

(courtesy AP)

No shit, Darnell. What would you do if you were a fucking 8-ft-long hungry-ass snake cramped up in a cage all day every day, getting contact highs from you and your dropout buddies?

You'd bust outta that shit and get yourself some fresh eats! Baby eats! (they're easier to kill)

Or maybe a sheep:

This is my favorite part of the story, though:

Darnell did not have a permit for the snake, which would be a second-degree misdemeanor, said Joy Hill, a spokeswoman with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. He has not been charged, but Caruthers said investigators were looking into whether there was child neglect or if any other laws were broken.

Hill said the snake will be placed with someone who has a permit, pending an investigation into the girl's death.

(courtesy AP)

A second-degree misdemeanor? Debating whether or not any laws were broken? A foster-parent for the killer snake?

Am I living in the fucking Twilight Zone???

Darnell and his girl belong in jail for having an 8-ft (going on 26ft) Burmese python in the same home as a child--the existence of a snake permit is a non-issue.

This is a breed of snake that EATS CROCODILES!!!! How is it sane to have one around?

Rather than placed in a foster home, the snake should be shot in the face and fed to crocodiles because, let's be honest, even if this snake hadn't killed a baby, snakes are just the worst.

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