"You Fuckin' With Me? You Fuckin' With A C.H.I.M.P."

My favorite part of this article is that the author of it insists on calling the crazed chimpanzee by his name--Travis.

My second favorite part is that it seems to be legal to keep a 200-lb chimpanzee in your house in Connecticut. When did this sound like a good idea?

My third favorite part is that the chimp bit off the woman's hands! It bit them off! I should say that is a life changing experience.

"Yes, ma'am, you are in a hospital. Yes, you do, in fact, have no hands. I know...it's pretty awful. Pretty disgusting, really. Anyway, you should read this book--'Help! I'm 55 Years Old and I Suddenly Have No Hands!'--to learn more about how to cope with living with no hands. Don't worry--we'll give you a cute little chimpanzee to turn the pages for you..."

My fourth favorite part (yes--I liked this article a lot) is that the chimp seems to be more capable than most Baby Boomers I know:

"...the chimpanzee was toilet trained, dressed himself, took his own bath, ate at the table and drank wine from a stemmed glass. He also brushed his teeth using a Water Pik, logged onto the computer to look at pictures, and watched television using the remote control, police said."

Really makes you think, huh? Good. I've done something to be proud of today. Now get rid of that chimp-gimp in your basement, pervert, before I bite off both your hands and call the cops.

_