Sunday, February 22, 2009

Will the Real Michael Phelps Story Please Stand Up?

We've all heard by now about Michael Phelps smoking weed. We've all heard the speculation about whether or not he would lose his endorsements, how Kellogg's ultimately dropped him as a sponsor, how USA Swimming suspended him for three worthless months, etc.

But who really gives a shit about that? I'm sure Michael Phelps doesn't even give a shit--he's already a multi-millionaire, he's hands-down the greatest swimmer in history, he's famous, and he could probably sweep the next Olympics if he feels like it.

I find it alarming that all the news outlets are missing the real story here, the fascinating story: who the hell took that picture of him kissing a bong?

Michael Phelps is a pretty dumb kid. I mean, he is hardly able to string a sentence together in every interview I've ever seen with him. He guffaws. He smiles blankly. He might as well be some sort of retarded swimming savant (probably is). But not even Michael Phelps is so dumb as to smoke weed in front of a bunch of strangers.

Which implies that whomever took that picture and then sold it was probably a friend of his, or a friend of a friend, who was probably one of four or five people in the room that night.

Why is this greedy chump not exposed? Who is hiding him? The honorable British tabloid that purchased the photo? Phelps? How much did the tabloid pay for the photo?

This seems a much more interesting story than whether or not a millionaire will lose a few future millions. Why is nobody covering this angle? And why is marijuana use so much more serious in the eyes of journalists than his underage DUI after the last Olympics?

Breaker: New Development in the Case -- Rogue Sheriff is on the loose.

Is it really possible to arrest somebody for drug use without actually catching the person doing it/holding it/buying it? Is South Carolina run by the Taliban?

So many questions, so few answers...



Anonymous said...

Police know who took that shot. It was sold for 100 000 $ to NOTW magazine.

Please do not call someone retarded just because that person is not eloquent enough. Intelligence works in many different ways. If you didn't know, Phelps is an excellent Poker player - something that 'retarded swimmer' wouldn't be able to be for sure.

Goodtime Charlie said...

Thanks for the info. But I still think we should know who sold the photo--it is hardly a sensitive police investigation...

Perhaps I was a bit harsh when I insinuated that Phelps may be retarded, but you are flat out WRONG if you think a mentally retarded person cannot play poker.

First of all, poker is hardly difficult. Secondly, an autistic savant would be classified as mentally retarded and would whip your ass at poker.

Haven't you seen that brilliant documentary 'Rain Man?'

Anonymous said...

I beg to differ. It's true poker has pretty simple rules but it's not a simple game. Otherwise, every retarded kid and their grandma would play it for $ and there wouldn't be professional poker players who earn millions.

Yes, I've seen that documentary and it is brilliant in a way but it sends wrong message. Sorry to say it, but most of retarded people are what they are: retards. They cannot play poker, do maths or win gold medals.
But that wasn't my point.
All I wanted to say was you shouldn't label someone only by seeing them on TV. Phelps isn't natural in front of cameras. If you add lisp and the fact his vocabulary is limited due to lack of education, he may sound boring and dense.
In privacy he's rather witty and self-deprecating, very down-to-earth. Except when he's angry. :)

And yes, someone should name that bastard who sold the photo.

Paz said...

Do maths? Really?

And dude, "retarded" people totally win gold medals! Haven't you seen the Special Olympics?!

Jambone said...

While I would normally hold any close, personal, anonymous friend of Michael Phelps in the highest regard, I have to say I think it misses the point of the post entirely to quibble with a single instance of GTC's word choice that is clearly there merely to enhance the comedy of the overall thought. And I certainly understand your objection to premature labeling, but I think its pretty safe to say GTC has enough information to accurately label Phelps all the things he has: superlatively talented and wealthy, not the braniest guy on TV, recently maligned. He even relates the physical cues that have led him to believe Phelps to be 'pretty dumb', in preemptive defense of his admittedly limited but still educated take on the global celebrity about whom its difficult to not have an opinion. As I have already reasoned that you are the Acting Commander of the Elite Cyber-Guard of Mr. Phelps' Divine Integrity, I can only assume that you have far more public, urgent and blasphemous matters to deal with these days. By the way, I'm not particularly smart or retarded, but I sometimes win at poker.

Anonymous said...

Phelps is an idiot. Yes he may be the greatest swimmer but come on...he's an idiot. DUI, and smoking dope. He's a millionaire for christ sake and the best thing he could think of doing was...marihuana?

Just in case he is one of these brilliant math retards, maybe he can figure this one out:

Solve for X...

Bucket + X = bucket of shit

answer: X is Michael PHELPS

Goodtime Charlie said...

Wow. That seems a bit harsh...did you lose a medal to him or something, Anonymous?