Thursday, February 26, 2009

Meet Nick--He Walks Up Stairs On All Fours and Is Afraid of Ketchup Bottles and the Word 'People'

Before we begin, I have to do this as a precaution against poor Nick reading this:


Okay. Now, see how much of this you can get through. It's fascinating.

He is Nick, from North Dakota. He is 24 years old. He doesn't watch movies or read books and only enjoys the dulcet tones of video game music. He stays in his bedroom 21-23 hours a day. He has 80 pair of stained underwear in the corner of his room and air dries his body after a shower, rather than spend 15 minutes looking for a towel that is unstained.

He has many complicated fears, problems, and obsessions--those ongoing and those overcome. These include mirrors, stairs, blue water, and chairs.

You wanna talk about weird food obsessions? He used to spend over 30 minutes degreasing his McDonald's double cheeseburgers before eating them. But now he pretty much only eats frozen cheese pizzas and potato chips. And he has a garbage bag in his room for all the crushed cans of Minute Maid Light Lemonade he drinks (he crushes the cans with his hands).

How does Nick feel about alcohol? He refers to it as "poison."
"Even though I'm now of legal age, if I was asked this again, due to my motive being -870, primarily due to the numerous negative effects, I'd otherwise always refuse the offer and even $2500 isn't enough to counter it."
He often differentiates between reality and life inside his 'mind game.'

What exactly does he mean by 'mind game?'

What sort of 'really funny' things does he get up to in his mind game?

On to the speculation and questions:

Is Nick retarded?

Is he autistic?

Is he merely obsessive/compulsive with a huge fear of social interaction?

What are his parents like?

Why have they allowed him to be this way?

How can they afford to buy him so many frozen pizzas and bottles of Powerade?

How was he able to write this much about his life, considering he does almost nothing?

Why does he have to buy a purse when he goes to the store?

What is all that underwear stained with?

What is his sex life like?

Does he masturbate?

What does his porn look like?

Scrolling pages of the decimal places of pi?

Why is he so into spells, but doesn't mention Magic or Dungeons and Dragons or Lord of the Rings anywhere?

Who plays the board games he creates?

Has anybody bought his video game for $12.95?

How much does it suck?

Who does he think reads this bottomless website?

What does he think we think of it?

Does he really think we care how he used to 'cook' his ramen noodles and Hamburger Helper?

I could go on forever, but I won't. I have a hankering for a pizza and I don't know why...



Dukes My Boy said...

I was happy to see a fine arrangement of Altoids mints on his keyboard...but the more I read I couldn't help but think that maybe they could be filled with fingernail clippings??

Goodtime Charlie said...

Methinks you may be right, Dukes Me Boy...

For further creepiness (YOU HEAR HIS VOICE!) watch the following youtube video: