Let's Be Realistic

If universities are going to be relieved of their tax-exempt status, so should churches. Or should they just be allowed to continue to amass wealth unchecked?

Regardless of the fact that universities do much more for the community, in terms of education, research, and truth-seeking--not to mention the countless jobs and customers for local shops/restaurants--than churches, treating them the same seems a fair compromise.

Will it happen? Will it even be suggested by anybody else?


Mr. Magic Eight Ball says "doubtful."

Reader Poll: Rood Rie Roove Roo Roo-Rahndah?

Rwanda--land of dreams. Land of genocide. Land of gorillas. Land of gorilla-eating rebels who slaughter tourists who pay lots of money to see the gorillas.

It is lush. It was settled by pygmies in 30,000BC. It is the most densely-populated country in Africa. It hasn't been too long since the last coup. HIV abounds.

Should I live there for a year as a pampered ex-pat?

Volcanoes National Park, Rwanda

A friend of mine recently informed me that a friend of her boyfriend's hairdresser (kidding; not kidding; kidding) was recently appointed Head of the Office of Economic Development or something and moved his whole family there from the United States.

This man has a number of positions to fill, including a few in the Event Production sector--which happens to be one of my numerous specialties.

It is hardly a sure thing that I will even be offered a post, but since it is a possibility, I must consider my options in order to pull the trigger when the time comes.


When I close my eyes and think about what life would be like for me in Rwanda, it is impossible not to imagine myself as James McAvoy in The Last King of Scotland--although I am slightly better looking.

I know that movie took place in Uganda, in the 1970s, but that is irrelevant--my instinctive imagination does not care about such details.

As such, my first demand would be the Mercedes convertible he drives in the movie, because there's just something so ex-pat about driving a Mercedes down unpaved roads. [Option #2 would be a British-racing-green Land Rover Defender 90).

Either way, I would tear around the country blasting loud music until I was executed for no reason.

OR I would have a splendid time, help put on the best gorilla-naming ceremony the country's ever seen, make some good money (for a change), and see some sights and animals and meet some people and why not?

It could be another fantastic adventure to throw on the pile.

Thoughts?

_

Movie Reviews In Briefs

The following are movies I saw for the first time during the last couple months, in the cutting-edge theater aboard my $60 million private jet, in my underwear, while doing my annual ten-month-long mansion-crawl:

[ratings are out of four stars]

Valentino: The Last Emperor = 3.5 stars
Interesting fellow, colorful interviews, informative glance into a somewhat strange world, but a little one-note and without much of an arc.
Two simple ideas for improvement:
- maybe checking in with/interviewing his fleet of servants would have added some more flavor?
- interviewing Karl Lagerfeld and some other designers (Tom Ford? Ralph Lauren? Michael Kors?) for their take on the man paraded before us as a genius, but with little actual description of why he is so revered.

Observe & Report = 1 star
I love dark comedies, but they have to be funny. Aside from a few brief moments, this wasn't funny. AND the plot was weak and disjointed. Bummer. I hate to say it--but it is actually possible that this was the worst mall cop movie of this year's crop. I also hate that I now have to watch Paul Fart: Mall Cop to find out for sure...

Gomorrah = 2.5 stars
Disappointing. I really wanted to like it, since it's Italian and about a fascinating subject matter, but it just wasn't good enough. I didn't care about anybody in the movie--they were pretty much universal assholes or brainless schlubs. The ending was pretty great, really demonstrated the pointlessness of it all, but would have packed more of a punch if everything before it had made me care more. Ultimately, the movie was a great statement of the futility of organized crime, but not a very entertaining experience.

Elegy = 2 stars
Ben Kingsley's apartment was cool, Penelope Cruz was delectable, and I can relate to the blunt truth of the socio-sexual philosophy, but that's about all I really liked about this movie. The rest was...okay. Dennis Hopper was atrocious, with most of the blame shouldered by the writer--I get it! He's Ben Kingsley's confidante, maybe even his conscience, but that doesn't mean he is an interesting character. I was bored whenever he was onscreen and that is a perfect example of talent wasted. As in most older lover/younger lover scenarios, I found Kingsley/Cruz's relationship completely unbelievable (Fassbinder's Ali: Fear Eats the Soul is a glaring exception) and, therefore, it is hard to invest anything in it--which ruins the entire purpose of the story.

W. = 2 stars
I enjoyed Karl Rove's smarminess and Dick Cheney's assholeness, but that's about it. I feel like--even though I'm sure his camp hates it--it was too soft on GeorgieBoy. He made the decisions and he needs to be held accountable for them; this movie was too sympathetic by simply shifting the blame to his devious subordinates. Oh--and the husband/wife subplot made me want to vomit.

Idiocracy = 3 stars
At times funny, at times painfully true (already), but ultimately brought down by poor acting, a cardboard plot, and many missed opportunities for bigger and better laughs (example: the opening Darwinian sequence).

Wall Street = 2 stars
What a disappointment! I've heard such good things over the years, but this did not measure up. Charlie Sheen is boring. Michael Douglas is good, but is character is pretty one-note and not all that interesting or deep--he certainly did not deserve an Oscar for the performance. The story plays out fairly predictably and the Martin Sheen blue-collar, down-home hokiness ultimately swallows this entire movie in the end. Bottom line: I know Oliver Stone is smarter than this movie. I understand why they are remaking this turd (timely=money!) but fail to see the need.
Addendum: If you are interested in seeing a fascinating take on stock trading, you should rent Antonioni's L'Eclisse instead.


Unrelated--how strange and...awesome?...is it that Netflix actually has the following category:

Visually-striking Dark Movies based on real life

_

Slippery Who?

Item: There is a school named Slippery Rock University.

Hmm--I wonder how it got that name...

"Hmmm...I guess my new school should have a name...a really good one...can't think of one off the top of my head...well, it should have something to do with the natural setting...what's around me right now...hmmm...Arnold!"
"Yes, boss?"
"What's around me right now?"
"Ain't nuthin' but a buncha slippery rock, sir. Surprise if'n I don't crack open ma head carryin' this dang ole sedan chair aroun in such weather..."
"Hmmm...Slippery Rock...I like it... I'm a genius! Now put me down for a second so I can do a jig."

Item #2: Twenty-two Slippery Rock students went to Mexico recently and had to have a private graduation ceremony.

What's next? Separate buses for people who have been to Mexico? Internment camps?

Tens of thousands of people in the USA die each year from the regular old flu; only 20 people in all of North America have died from swine flu in this 'epidemic.'

Get over the hype already, people--eat well, get a good amount of rest, exercise regularly, and go to the doctor if you get the flu. He will give you medicine and you will get better.

You're welcome. That'll be $1000.

--Dr. Goodtime Charlie

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What's Eating Joe Drape's Writing Talent?

And does he cover anything but the Kentucky Derby?

Check out this gem from his Derby article today:

"In 2007, after Borel guided Street Sense to a Derby victory with a similar rail-skimming, last-to-first trip, the nation was introduced to this humble, emotional man with a grade-school education and a Ph.D-sized heart. Borel, in turn, was introduced to Queen Elizabeth II at a White House state dinner."

"A PhD-sized heart?" Really? Did we just stumble into a poorly-written 1940's melodrama? I suddenly feel like ending my days by vomiting out my own vital organs. Since when does being a jockey require a college, or even high-school, education? Is it really that rare? Methinks not.

And how big is a PhD anyway? Is it bigger than a breadbox? Is it smaller than my foot shoved up your ass?

Also, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't point out the pointlessness of some dude affiliated with a gambling/sporting event attending a state dinner at the White House, not to mention the pointlessness of a Queen's mere existence. What does she do that needs to be done?

The only thing more unnecessary than a pope is a monarch.

_

If There's One Thing a Horse Loves More Than Running Free, It's Racing Other Horses Around a Track Until They're Killed at an Early Age

The Kentucky Derby is tomorrow (be still thy heart!) and let's not forget what it is all about--stupid hats and shitty minty drinks.

If you're interested in the actual horses, as some millionaires who own them are, Larry Jones--trainer of the second-place horse in the last two races--had this to say about his entry this year, Friesan Fire:

“My colt can be anywhere,” Jones said. “Eight Belles had a wonderful trip here, and I think we’re going to repeat it. He’ll be in running position turning for home.”

"A wonderful trip?"

That poor little horsie broke her ankles at the finish line and was euthanized on the track, in front of everybody (or perhaps behind an improvised bedsheet curtain).

What a doting cross-species sportsman/father-figure that Jones is. Wait--I mean 'asshole.'

_

A Matter of Schlock

A new screen gem for the international Sideways Set*: fat men struggle--hilariously--to become sumo wrestlers. In Israel. At the end they probably learn something about themselves and maybe even grow slightly.

Aside from the fact that this sounds really boring and familiar, it is also clear that somebody in charge of this fetid turd has no idea how athletic and disciplined sumo wrestlers are--there is quite a gap between them and lazy obese men.

Not only are they more flexible than just about everybody I know, but do you know how strong you have to be to pick up a tree-trunk-legged 400-pound man and carry him out of the ring?

Writer/Director Sharon Maymon, I submit the following for your consideration. Also, here is a pretty fascinating video.



* Sideways Set--the overjoyed target demographic for movies such as: Sideways, Little Miss Sunshine, The Full Monty, Calendar Girls, Juno, etc...

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Somebody Needs to Learn the Meaning of the Word 'Exploitation'

David Foster Wallace is dead--but he has at least two books coming out soon.

One is the project he fretted over for years and expected to be published after his death.

Another is the commencement address he delivered to Kenyon College graduates in 2005. The transcribed address has been available online since...2005. For free. Now it is about to be published by Little, Brown and sold for $14.99.

This is exceedingly irritating to me and I read this review with clenched teeth. At one point, my teeth unclenched in an attempt to bite the head clean-off a man named named Tom Bissell.

It was at this point:

"While some may question the decision to publish Wallace’s address as a book — and its interior design of one sentence per page is not much of a rebuttal to that question — it would take a small, charred heart to find any impure motives here."

A 'small, charred heart?' Is you serious, Tom? You're trying to convince me that this is a pure endeavor? How exactly is this not exploitative and unnecessary? As you said in your own review, more people have read Wallace's Kenyon College commencement address than his magnum opus, Infinite Jest. For free.

Why start charging them now, if not out of greed?

--Small Charred Heart in Los Angeles

_

But what is the movie about?

The Education of Goodtime Charlie

For those of you concerned about the accuracy of your Old World period-pieces:

1492----Rodrigo de Jerez and Luis de Torres, in Cuba searching for the Khan of Cathay (China), are credited with first observing smoking. They reported that the natives wrapped dried tobacco leaves in palm or maize "in the manner of a musket formed of paper." After lighting one end, they commenced "drinking" the smoke through the other. Jerez became a confirmed smoker, and is thought to be the first outside of the Americas. He brought the habit back to his hometown, but the smoke billowing from his mouth and nose so frightened his neighbors he was imprisoned by the holy inquisitors for 7 years. By the time he was released, smoking was a Spanish craze. (source: The Tobacco Timeline)

So please don't show any medieval knights smoking cheroots, Roman soldiers huffing opium, etc.


Incidentally, not only was the tobacco plant only native to the Americas, but so was the idea of smoking.

Although opium was a huge trade in the ancient Western world, its devotees chewed it or drank the juice of the poppy seed, rather than smoking it.

Marijuana was also harvested and either chewed or used for clothing/rope. Only one group of people, the Scythians--known for their gratuitous use of scythes and penchant for steam baths--actually burned marijuana and inhaled it.

Nobody thought of smoking opium--a far more addictive manner of ingestion--or marijuana until Spanish sailors brought a New World pipe to China.

Huh. Thanks, Internet!

_

No Shit

Industry Ignored Scientists

How else do you rack up over $95 billion in profit in 2007-8?

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New Guinness Record for Douching!

Just when you thought shit was dire, what with another corrupt financial executive hanging himself the other day, a pair of plucky Pennsylvanians just went out there and gave us all a reason to smile til we die.

217,000 reasons, actually--217,000 discreet text messages that said "LOL"

What the hell is the point of that? This is something to which they aspired? Something for which they 'worked' tirelessly?

Perhaps those two gaybirds should receive a Guinness-accredited record for "most effective broadcasting of worthlessness" instead.

Bonus: How badly do you think the married one's wife regrets that decision these days?

Hint: Even more than before

_

Who Cares?

Why is this such a big story?

I'll give you a hint--it's because even though nobody gives a shit, media outlets really really want us to.

_

C+C Music Factory

ISO Wizard-Sleeve Fetishist

Beware, Gents--the incorrigible Nadya Suleman is on the prowl.

Not only is she trying to trademark 'Octomom' (a term which she did not coin) to help sell maternity wear and diapers (hint: Octomom condoms would be far more successful), but she also has a reality show in the works.

The show would follow her around, constantly, as she raises her 14 children and, as if that wasn't enough to make you change the channel or hang yourself, tries to find a man.

What sort of person would want to date this woman?

Out of those men, which scary few would want to do so on national television?

Hmmm...actually, it just might be crazy enough to work--worthless fame whore meets worthless fame whore and they live happily ever after, until he runs himself over in the driveway. Or marries one of her daughters.

Good luck, Nadya! Nobody's rooting for you!

Except for this guy:


_

How Do You Know You're An Idiot?

You are a bank that buys 450,000 pounds of uranium.

What, you mean using other people's money to make yourself endless amounts of money wasn't easy enough for you, Mr. Lehman?

Did you get bored with it after 70 years of nearly unfettered success, since the last time you and your cronies blew it?

What stupid decision will be next?

"Hey, Stoddard! I just got a hot tip from a friend over at the Pentagon--get me 400 million tons of pencils--STAT! We can't lose!"
"Got 'em!"
"Oh, shit--wait..."

The only way to lose money in banking is to be an asshole. Unfortunately, assholes seem to gravitate toward the industry like power-abusers to politics.

At least they learned their lesson--wait...

_

Logic, Disney-Style

Disney is desperately trying to figure out what boys want.

So they hired an 'expert'--a middle-aged woman who worked for a riverboat casino company to ask boys questions, dig through their closets, and observe them. They call her "the kid whisperer" and no doubt pay her a boatload; she has an entire "team of anthropologists" working under her.

After 18 months, she discovered that boys want to see R-rated movies, carry their skateboards a certain way, and think most of the shows on TV are purposeless bullshit.

Are those really not obvious? A team of researchers had to find this out?

"What do you mean by the term 'crash?'"
"Ummm...the same thing everybody means when they say it, you dumb bitch..."

Not only that, but the bottom line is that men in their thirties and pre-teen boys are pretty much the same. So...why not hire a fucking man to just sit there and tell you what little boys are like, what they want, etc? It would take a week, tops. Is that just too easy?

If they like to makes things difficult, why didn't they just hire a scary hobo clown who only speaks German?

_

Extreme Bukkake

Marilyn Chambers, everybody's favorite deep-throater next door, is dead.

According to her interesting and rather graphic wikipedia entry, she was involved in an orgy with four men the day of her death--a trooper til the end, God bless her.

Also according to wikipedia:

"She was noted for her enthusiastic performances of deep throat, anal, lesbian, interracial, extreme bukkake, and double or triple penetration scenes."

If you're new to the world of bukkake, you need to check out the drawing accompanying this entry. You're welcome!

_

You've Come a Long Way, Sugar Baby

Wow.

No wonder the boners on Wall Street were so hungry for dangerous short-term profits--maybe the Obama administration should begin regulating the Sugar Daddy/Baby industry, as part of their oversight of the financial markets.

And maybe I should get a federal stipend to dive head-first into the trenches, as an undercover operative, taking a bullet for my country...

"Hello, Mr. Obama? I've got a proposition for you. Now hear me out..."

_

Oh, the Irony

Those incorrigible pirates captured another ship on Saturday--the Buccaneer!

Meanwhile, the pirates offered to drop their $2 million ransom request for Captain Richard Phillips, if the pirates trapped on the boat with him would be allowed to go free--and the Americans refused!

Why they insist on arresting those pirates, when they have previously stated that there is no way to hold them, nowhere to take them, no court to try them in, is beyond me. Why not obtain the captain's freedom, then storm the pirate village with some Rambo-led black ops division? I mean, we know where they live...is this really that difficult of a decision? Do I need to sail over there and talk some sense into whoever's in charge?

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Oh, Yeah, Baby--I Got Them Good Friday Blues

It has come to my attention that many people have today off work. My immediate reaction is: what?!

Once I sat down and thought about it for a minute, my reaction is this:

Why are people who are religious not required to use personal days to observe religious holidays, when religion is clearly a personal issue? If lifting weights is my religion, do I get three days a week off? Or would I have to pick and choose only the big days, like my semi-annual weightlifting exhibitions? Something tells me I wouldn't...

Church and state are far from separated, but at least the US Government has avoided observing most religious holidays--with the glaring exception of Christmas, which should really be renamed Presents and Egg Nog Day, if you ask me (okay, so who's starting the official petition?).

Why is the private sector so surprisingly ingratiating? I mean, paying people for days off for no legitimate reason, when the law does not require them to do so? That doesn't sound like a good way to make five extra cents this quarter!* And since when do companies care about using morale to boost productivity? Didn't that concept evaporate with the 40-hr work week, health benefits, tungsten lighting, vacation days, pensions, and a gold watch?

Do followers of all religions get their holidays off? Which religion has the most days off (I'm guessing the Jews)? What is required for a religion to be deemed legitimate? Can I start my own, coerce a few followers, and choose my holidays?** Why not, right? That is, by the way, how every other religion started--brick by brick, following around a persuasive man with some crazy ideas. It isn't usually until later that the corruption, theft, mind control, and murder begin.***

I'm just full of questions--and, sadly, answers. That's the thing about rhetorical questions, I guess...


* Especially 'in this economy,' long-ago the clear favorite among the many phrases I wish I would never have to hear again.

** The month of September would be the main holiday, known as Adventure, when all followers would be forced to observe themselves having fun somewhere exotic and eat extravagant meals.

*** The Mormon church, for example, is a glaring exception--Joseph Smith was an unabashed con artist from the get-go. Oddly, I actually respect him more than I would have because of that. You won't find out anything about this on his wikipedia site, however, as the good church has probably hired a team of people to cleanse it of truth minutely (they also have a team who purchase any documents available for sale that involve the truth about Joseph Smith). All the info you need, if you are curious, can be found in Jon Krakauer's marvelous book Under the Banner of Heaven.

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Totally Coincidental...

Sure, now that somebody from the United States has been taken hostage, the US military is finally engaging those pesky Somali pirates that have been ruling the Gulf of Aden and environs for nigh on two years now.

Whatever happened to preventing such incidents? Like all those times we went to war when it was none of our business, to 'protect ourselves' from the otherwise inevitable and awful communist/oil-less future...

Do they not have enough fossil fuels in their treasure trove?

_

Come Again?

Why is a bank that received $25 billion in government funds issuing a dividend to preferred shareholders whose shares would be worthless were Wells Fargo not bailed out?

That $3 billion in profit should go straight into the U.S. Treasury, no questions asked.

I mean, am I right, people? Huh? Huh?

Let's all march on Capitol Hill next Tuesday!

(meet at the Quizno's on Pennsylvania Avenue first for sandwiches first)

_

Whatever Happened to A Fifth Chance?

Redmond O'Neal is just a victim. Why is everybody always so up on his shit? Can't we just leave him alone and let him do whatever stupid shit he wants to do? God!

Poor kid never had a chance in life...

_

Gotta Do It

Saw this video a while ago and loved it. Still do. I recently became aware that a lot of people I know haven't seen it, so here it is. Enjoy.

While we're at it, here's another gem.

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Warning: Your World Is About to Be Turned Upside Down

What a waste of time, brainwaves, money, computing power, and newspaper inches.

Seriously? Somebody had to work really hard to figure out that most cultural events in New York happen at the grandiose cultural centers built in Manhattan, and the most talked-about theatrical performances happen on Broadway?

Without even reading the entirety of her amazing study, I bet she determined that most movies screened in Los Angeles occur in movie theaters.

Thanks, Sarah Williams! Now go drink a fucking bucket of hydrochloric acid* and stop wasting everybody's time.


* I have yet to receive the funding necessary to fully study the results, but I have a pretty strong hunch that this will kill you**. Can you let me know so I can put a little red pushpin on my map of your neighborhood?


** Legal disclaimer: I do not actually want Ms. Williams to kill herself. Maybe she can just quit her day job, move to rural West Virginia, and spend the rest of her life quietly tilling soil and muttering to herself***.


*** I wonder which of those two scenarios is more appealing. I would definitely require a long hard think about it, were I presented with those two options...

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Salmonella is So Hot Right Now!

The spicy new Spring 2009 look, as seen on the runway in Milan

What is the deal with corporate food processing plants?

Peanut butter, pistachios, and just about everything else...do I need to convert my entire clandestine growlab to foodstuffs or what?

Will the FDA actually be able to enact change, or will they just ask the CDC to start collecting tainted vomit, diarrhea, and corpses in dry-docked oil tankers until they figure out their next move?

Sigh...

_

Depression + Guns = Bad

The economy is in the shitter. Unemployment is at the highest level in 25 years. Every day, more and more lives are shattered.

I had a feeling it would not be long until there was another big shooting spree and, sadly, I was right.

It was the nation’s worst mass shooting since April 16, 2007, when Seung-Hui Cho, 23, shot and killed 32 people in a dormitory and classroom at Virginia Tech University in Blacksburg, Va., then killed himself in the largest shooting in modern American history. In the last month, 25 people, including 2 gunmen, were slain in three mass shootings, in North Carolina, California and Alabama.

If you include the one in Germany recently, that now brings us to a total of...a lot. A lot too many.

Let me now just take a time-out to properly thank God that so many desperate, unhinged men across the Western World have such easy access to deadly weapons for no good reason.

Thankfully, the NRA has chosen to remain silent of late, or I might have had to convince some hillbilly to bust into their offices and self-defend them all to death just to get a point across.

_

Nelson: Then and Now

The year was 1990. Everything was cool. Even Nelson.


The twin sons of former teen idol Ricky Nelson unpacked their hot-pink steamer trunks and set up shop atop the Billboard Charts for seven glam-fabulous days of intense sexual confusion for men and women across the nation, as Fabio mulled a lawsuit.

Only second-generation teen idols would have tried to pull off that hair; only third-generation showbiz kids could have gotten a record contract with their devastating cocktail of talent and style.

When Geffen refused to release their second album--Imaginator--because they considered it "too heavy," the boys burned a little more magic from their stash and came back a year later with the DOA dud Because They Can.

Why did it fail, you ask? Well:

The pop music landscape had undergone a dramatic change in the five years following After the Rain, and Geffen chose not to promote the new album and quickly dropped Nelson entirely from its roster. The Nelson brothers then set up their own label, Stone Canyon Records, and released Imaginator in 1996.

With those pesky Geffen suits out of the way, finally, Nelson was able to really open things up, stretch their creative muscles, get dark and deep and raw, and make music nobody ever listened to.

But how bad could things get, right?

As it turns out, pretty bad:

As of Spring 2008, Nelson has become featured band on the Royal Caribbean Cruise Ship Circuit, playing on Brilliance of the Seas, among other ships. They performed for the sixth-consecutive year in Epcot's 'Flower Power Concert Series' as part of the annual International Flower & Garden Festival.

In addition to touring as Nelson, the brothers also perform a separate tribute act for their father, called "Ricky Nelson Remembered."

In 2009, Nelson were booked to appear at the third annual Rocklahoma festival in Pryor Oklahoma.

Matthew married model/actress Yvette Nelson in 1995. He filed for divorce in L.A. County Superior Court on March 10, 2009 citing irreconcilable differences and asking for spousal support.

How far they have fallen from those halcyon days of 1990-91... Spousal support? Ouch!

Hey, wait--maybe that can be the title of their next self-released album? Well, if they can cobble together the necessary funds from Matthew's alimony payments and/or Peanut M&M pity sales in the subway, that is...

Oh, and for those of you that are curious, they have also gotten marginally-better, faux-lesbian haircuts.


[Editor's note: wikipedia.org contributed most of this article]



Bonus 1990 tidbits, for those reading on the company dime:

- The first McDonald's opens in Moscow; the Cold War officially ends.
- The Royal New Zealand Navy discontinues its daily rum ration
- Hubble Telescope launched into orbit
- Exxon Valdez catastrophe fouls the waters off Alaska
- Twelve paintings, collectively worth from $100 to $300 million, are stolen from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston, Massachusetts by 2 thieves posing as police officers. This is the largest art theft in US history, and the paintings (as of 2007^[update]) have not been recovered.
- In New York City, a fire due to arson at an illegal social club called "Happy Land" kills 87.
- Food poisoning kills 450 guests at an engagement party in Uttar Pradesh.
- Republican George H.W. Bush raises taxes like a goddamn socialist, despite earlier promises to the contrary
- Iraq invades Kuwait; oil companies and military contractors begin mobilizing war effort

Meanwhile, in Britain, during Thatcher's last year in office, shit sucked:
- "The Second Battle of Trafalgar: A massive anti-poll tax demonstration in Trafalgar Square, London, turns into a riot; 471 people are injured and 341 arrested.
- Strangeways Prison riot: The longest prison riot in Britain's history--3 weeks and 3 days--occurred at Strangeways Prison in Manchester
- In London, a man brandishing a knife robs courier Nicholas Lane of bearer bonds worth £292 million (the largest mugging to date).
- The Chunnel opens for business, bringing more drunken Brits to the Continent

In religious news, shit also sucked...
- A stampede in a pedestrian tunnel leading to Mecca kills 1,426 people.
- Homosexual acts between consenting adults are decriminalized in Queensland, Australia.
- The World Health Organization removes homosexuality from its list of diseases
- Robert Mapplethorpe's "The Perfect Moment" show of nude and homosexual photographs opens at the Cincinnati Contemporary Art Center, in spite of accusations of indecency by Citizens for Community Values.
- National Cathedral completed in Washington, DC. Intelligent people everywhere ask, "Why?"

_

Poor Tony Krause Lives Another Day

How do you know you've led a sheltered life?

You say something like this:

"I guess I'm really just not used to people with tears in their eyes."

I would hardly call Arlington Heights "a well-to-do suburb of Chicago," but aside from that, this article is pretty spot-on, highlighting a problem that has always been there and grown exponentially of late--libraries being overtaken by homeless people who enjoy unfettered bathroom use, relief from cold and rain, and free internet-porn viewing booths.

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Ellis Island Re-Opens to Service Record-Breaking Exodus

In a bold move earlier today, the United States government decided to adjust its policies to mirror those of the Norwegian government, in an attempt to emulate the Scandinavian country's nearly universal economic, social, and cultural success.

As they say in Oslo, "Hva tilbakeslag?"

The legislation, sponsored by Senators John McCain (R-Arizona) and Richard Shelby (R-Alabama) stipulates that all first & second-generation immigrants and non-whites currently residing in the United States are to be immediately deported if they do not choose to flee of their own accord.

The citizens who remain shall then receive--by no later than October of this calendar year--free health care, free university education, breathtaking public transportation, and their fair share of the plunder from the homes of the departed.

"Trust me on this one, America--as soon as we are able to successfully streamline our social policy and get our computers back online, you will enjoy all the benefits you should already have been receiving. As for those leaving us behind, we surely hope they come back one day as deep-pocketed tourists, but are well-aware that probably won't be feasible on the $2/day they will be making from now on."
- Sen. John McCain

As for the location of their new home, qualified candidates have their choice of any island in Indonesia or any nation on the continent of Africa. Military transport or inflatable rowboats will be provided as needed.

"Good luck to you out there! May you carry on the fine pioneering spirit of your ancestors or selves!" - Sen. Richard Shelby

Teen participation in the workforce, specifically in the food service, construction, and harvesting industries, is expected to increase dramatically over the course of the next fiscal quarter.

--

The Party Had to Stop Sometime, Florida...

All those romantics out there with dreams of one day owning a boat, or even just joyriding in one for an afternoon with a handful of strange, now is the time to be you. Just head out to the coast and scoop one up, yo!

All those bored businessmen and backwoods billies who spent their days wondering what it would be like to commit a relatively benign white-collar crime, who wondered whether they would be smart enough to get away with it, well done and thanks for helping the aforementioned dreamers out.

Sorry not all of you got away with it:

Too bad the law ain't so slam-dunk with the assholes who caused this Great Depression Redux in the first place...

Happy boating, dreamers!


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