No Shit

Industry Ignored Scientists

How else do you rack up over $95 billion in profit in 2007-8?

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Logic, Disney-Style

Disney is desperately trying to figure out what boys want.

So they hired an 'expert'--a middle-aged woman who worked for a riverboat casino company to ask boys questions, dig through their closets, and observe them. They call her "the kid whisperer" and no doubt pay her a boatload; she has an entire "team of anthropologists" working under her.

After 18 months, she discovered that boys want to see R-rated movies, carry their skateboards a certain way, and think most of the shows on TV are purposeless bullshit.

Are those really not obvious? A team of researchers had to find this out?

"What do you mean by the term 'crash?'"
"Ummm...the same thing everybody means when they say it, you dumb bitch..."

Not only that, but the bottom line is that men in their thirties and pre-teen boys are pretty much the same. So...why not hire a fucking man to just sit there and tell you what little boys are like, what they want, etc? It would take a week, tops. Is that just too easy?

If they like to makes things difficult, why didn't they just hire a scary hobo clown who only speaks German?

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Warning: Your World Is About to Be Turned Upside Down

What a waste of time, brainwaves, money, computing power, and newspaper inches.

Seriously? Somebody had to work really hard to figure out that most cultural events in New York happen at the grandiose cultural centers built in Manhattan, and the most talked-about theatrical performances happen on Broadway?

Without even reading the entirety of her amazing study, I bet she determined that most movies screened in Los Angeles occur in movie theaters.

Thanks, Sarah Williams! Now go drink a fucking bucket of hydrochloric acid* and stop wasting everybody's time.


* I have yet to receive the funding necessary to fully study the results, but I have a pretty strong hunch that this will kill you**. Can you let me know so I can put a little red pushpin on my map of your neighborhood?


** Legal disclaimer: I do not actually want Ms. Williams to kill herself. Maybe she can just quit her day job, move to rural West Virginia, and spend the rest of her life quietly tilling soil and muttering to herself***.


*** I wonder which of those two scenarios is more appealing. I would definitely require a long hard think about it, were I presented with those two options...

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Today

Today I liked Maureen Dowd.

Simple, efficient, ruthless, fair.

Too bad it doesn't matter.

I know it's defeatist to say that, but...it is sadly true. Whatever will happen, will happen. The assholes on top will always be the assholes on top. You know why? Because it takes an asshole to get on top; it's ingrained in the species.

Why do you think I chose to be a recluse? Well, a recluse with a lot of friends (a lot--trust me...at least like 3400...), who gets out a lot, and travels a lot...wait...what would be a better word for it?

I don't participate in anything that isn't worth my time, anything I cannot affect. I am eminently efficient, eminently cowardly.

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New York Times Enters the Storied Realm of the Obvious

Apparently, and the evidence is--I must stress--technically unreliable at this point:

"A new study finds striking evidence that children who are obese or have high cholesterol show early warning signs of heart disease."

Fat kids with high cholesterol have an increased risk for heart disease? No shit...

For more fascinating facts, please read the article.

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