Who Needs Evidence?

When you're preaching to the deluded choir, all ya gotta do is say something and it is true.

Don't believe me?

Well, try this on for size--the Pope and his posse have found the remains of St. Paul.

How does he know for sure? Easy:

"Vatican experts claim the tomb's position, underneath the epigraph Paulo Apostolo Mart (Paul the Apostle and Martyr), at the base of the main altar is proof that it belongs to the apostle.

The pope said the tomb had not been opened but that a probe inserted through a small hole had revealed traces of purple linen decorated with gold sequins, blue material and red incense grains as well as the remains. 'Small fragments of bone were carbon dated by experts who knew nothing about their provenance and results showed they were from someone who lived between the first and second century,' he said.

'This seems to confirm the unanimous and uncontested tradition that these are the mortal remains of Paul the apostle,' he said, adding that the discovery 'fills our souls with great emotion.'"

(courtesy of guardian.co.uk)

Pope Benedict, his soul filled with great emotion

Secretary--take a letter:


Dear Pope,

The reason this assertion is 'uncontested' is that nobody gives a shit except people who believe anything you say.

While we're on the subject, I wouldn't be surprised if you told me--in confidence, of course--that you never even bothered with the carbon-dating. I mean, why waste the hoarded wealth of centuries-worth of gullible poor people on something as trivial as inconclusive proof when you don't even need to bother proving it at all, right? Right?

Nice moves.

By the way--kudos to you, man. You really got it all figured out--only 82 years young and already head of the best racket in the racket business.

Burn In Hell,
God

ps--Love your new hat! LOL!


_

The Education of Goodtime Charlie

For those of you concerned about the accuracy of your Old World period-pieces:

1492----Rodrigo de Jerez and Luis de Torres, in Cuba searching for the Khan of Cathay (China), are credited with first observing smoking. They reported that the natives wrapped dried tobacco leaves in palm or maize "in the manner of a musket formed of paper." After lighting one end, they commenced "drinking" the smoke through the other. Jerez became a confirmed smoker, and is thought to be the first outside of the Americas. He brought the habit back to his hometown, but the smoke billowing from his mouth and nose so frightened his neighbors he was imprisoned by the holy inquisitors for 7 years. By the time he was released, smoking was a Spanish craze. (source: The Tobacco Timeline)

So please don't show any medieval knights smoking cheroots, Roman soldiers huffing opium, etc.


Incidentally, not only was the tobacco plant only native to the Americas, but so was the idea of smoking.

Although opium was a huge trade in the ancient Western world, its devotees chewed it or drank the juice of the poppy seed, rather than smoking it.

Marijuana was also harvested and either chewed or used for clothing/rope. Only one group of people, the Scythians--known for their gratuitous use of scythes and penchant for steam baths--actually burned marijuana and inhaled it.

Nobody thought of smoking opium--a far more addictive manner of ingestion--or marijuana until Spanish sailors brought a New World pipe to China.

Huh. Thanks, Internet!

_

The Carnival Continues

As expected, Joaquin Phoenix sat through a Letterman interview as any homeless man under the undeniable influence of a powerfully-sized amphetamine/horse-tranquilizer cocktail would have.

Sadly, I'm sure this made him far more entertaining than he would have been sober.

Wait--does that mean he is actually doing the right thing? Does that mean this recent debacle is all our fault? Do we require celebrities to crash and burn for our entertainment? Are we complicit in their inevitable demise? Are they the gladiators of our pussy-compared-to-the-Romans culture?

Do we care?

I wonder what sort of peculiar interaction backstage made Dave decide to really go after him, to show him no mercy. Can we see a video of that please, people-who-post-videos-of-such-things?

_

Hallmark v. India

"Eventually, more than 10 members of the Sena were arrested, only to be released on bail in a week. Since then, they have promised to campaign against Valentine’s Day, which they criticized as a foreign conspiracy to dilute Indian culture, and they said they did not disapprove of men drinking at bars."


My favorite quote from this article about some truly fascinating and unnecessarily-violent, sexist racists.

Valentine's Day? That is their bone of contention? Did they run out of better reasons to hate The West? It's like a father hating his daughter's prolicidic boyfriend because he has long hair.

My favorite part of the definition of 'proletary,' the root of 'prolicide':

Origin:
1570–80; < class="ital-inline">prōlētārius belonging to the lowest class of Roman citizens, i.e., those who contributed to the state only through their offspring, equiv. to prōlēt- (akin to prōlēs offspring; pro- pro- ¹ + -olēs (see adult )) + -ārius -ary

I can hear it now, clear as day, above the vibrant din of the Palazzo Farnese:

"Oh, hello there, peasant--just so you know, you are only valuable to me and mine because you replenish our supply of low-paid quasi-slaves. Here's a boot up your ass for no reason and be sure to have your freshly-washed, most-slender daughter sent up to my bedroom at midnight for a little procreation of my own."

Ouch.

_

One Great Leap...

It struck me the other day--and not for the first time, I might add, since I'm so ahead of the game it would blow your mind--that terrorism is not that surprising an offspring of more 'conventional warfare'. For all its detractors, terrorism is but another notch carved into the scarce virgin territory of mankind's belt, a further honing of skill in that most loathsome of crafts--murder.


For your consideration:


476 A.D. -- The Roman Empire Falls. Long ago, before even unicorns were invented, the almighty Roman Empire was decimated* by hordes of barbarians from the Germanic tribal regions of Europe. The highly-organized, efficient, top-of-class Roman Army was no match for the raw, brutal tactics of the barbarians--kill/rape, pillage, burn, move on. No sharp uniforms, no fancy swordplay, no philosophers--yet.



1775 -- The American Revolutionary War. The finely-tuned war machinery of the then-alpha-male British Empire simply could not compete with the ill-trained, ill-equipped rapscallions hiding behind trees in the Colonies. Whatever happened to gentlemanliness in warfare? I mean, tut-tut--how can you have a good war if you don't all simply line up and walk towards each other--slowly--shooting at each other, in a match of 'which nation of pillagers can afford to have the most soldiers with guns?' It's clearly the only way to do battle...or, more properly, was.



1945 -- The Atomic Bomb. Who needs a fucking army? We'll just spend millions of dollars, rape the world's greatest scientific minds, and drop a goddamn instant-apocalypse on you. Easy. Done. We're smarter than you, so we win.




2001 -- September 11th. "Tell ya what--we're smart enough to know you're dumb enough to let us use your own icons of technological advancement against you. All we need are a handful of dudes with fucking box cutters and we will cripple your nation for the rest of its life. Better still, you will never be able to fight back--enemies have never been so clearly undefined. We are not a nation--we are a merely a people with a common interest. We are everywhere. We are dedicated. We win. Eat that."

Shit, man--what's next?