It's Hard Out There for a Pirate

The ongoing saga of the Pirates Off the Horn of Africa (soon to be a best-selling trilogy of books/movies/video games aimed at the tween market, followed closely by a Broadway musical/traveling-ice-capade tandem to milk the parents dry until the remakes begin production) has just gotten a tad more interesting with the introduction of the sexiest thing in the world: lasers.

This just in from my contacts in London:

Sailors may soon have a weapon in their battle against sea-borne raiders: an anti-pirate laser.

BAE Systems has demonstrated its new laser system, which can temporarily blind would-be attackers. The system would prevent pirates from being able to aim their weapons at targets, BAE claims.

At distances of more than of between 1.2km (0.75 miles) and 1.5km (0.85 miles), the laser beam acts as a warning signal, letting the pirates know they've been spotted, said Brian Hore of BAE.

"Today's pirates tend to be opportunistic. If they know they've been spotted, they're likely to look for an alternative target," he told BBC News.

(courtesy BBC)

"At closer ranges, the green laser beam will dazzle them, making it difficult for the pirates to use weapons of their own" and rendering them physically unable to avoid dancing energetic ethnic steps to a John Williams score as Navy SEALs swoop in to gather the best performers in large canvas sacks to be airlifted to Central Casting in Los Angeles for further study, according to Brian "Dirty" Hore of BAE.

But the real question here is: are Somali pirates dazzled by lasers as sexy as vampires?

We aren't sure...

This is a valid concern and one which at the very least requires further taxpayer-subsidized research at entertainment think-tanks across Los Angeles and Orange Counties.

Can we lazily plug pirates into the age-old "star-crossed lover" routine with the same success evinced by the aristocrat/peasant, business heir/rival business heir, North/South, one religion/another religion, and vampire/mortal dynamics of years past?

Well, let's have a shot at the pitch and see what happens:

Oh, the Irony

Those incorrigible pirates captured another ship on Saturday--the Buccaneer!

Meanwhile, the pirates offered to drop their $2 million ransom request for Captain Richard Phillips, if the pirates trapped on the boat with him would be allowed to go free--and the Americans refused!

Why they insist on arresting those pirates, when they have previously stated that there is no way to hold them, nowhere to take them, no court to try them in, is beyond me. Why not obtain the captain's freedom, then storm the pirate village with some Rambo-led black ops division? I mean, we know where they live...is this really that difficult of a decision? Do I need to sail over there and talk some sense into whoever's in charge?

_

Totally Coincidental...

Sure, now that somebody from the United States has been taken hostage, the US military is finally engaging those pesky Somali pirates that have been ruling the Gulf of Aden and environs for nigh on two years now.

Whatever happened to preventing such incidents? Like all those times we went to war when it was none of our business, to 'protect ourselves' from the otherwise inevitable and awful communist/oil-less future...

Do they not have enough fossil fuels in their treasure trove?

_

Pirates, Pirates, Go Away. Come Again Some Other Day!

According to the BBC, those intractable Somali pirates nearly landed an army of lucrative hostages this weekend when they attempted to subdue a US cruise ship with over 1000 people on board.

After reading the full article, several questions come to mind:

1. Why does this boat require nearly one crew member for each passenger aboard? (656 passengers, 399 crew) Do the first 300 to book each get their own prostitute?

2. Who goes on a 32-day cruise?

3. Who goes on a 32-day cruise when the global economy is in the shitter?

4. How does a cruise ship with 1000 people on board outmaneuver and outrun agile skiffs carrying experienced pirates armed with machine guns and rocket launchers?

And, in case you were wondering, that Saudi oil tanker carrying 2 million barrels of crude oil is still being held for ransom, as is the cargo ship bursting with Russian tanks and munitions. So are TWELVE other ships.

I can't wait until they take an aircraft carrier next week and start REALLY fucking shit up...

Mo-town Pirates Back Again...

(Photo courtesy New York Times)

Boy, those pirates are just endearingly incorrigible, aren't they?

This time, they hijacked a Saudi oil tanker THREE TIMES the size of an aircraft carrier. The crude oil onboard has a street value of $100 million.

How the hell can a ship be that big? I mean, I understand the physics of flotation, but where the fuck does that thing park? Where did they build it? And how can a crew of only 25 men run that beast? Amazing. I hope they have 25 more rooms in the hostage village... (FYI, the ship full of tanks, and the crew onboard, are STILL being held by the pirates. Do we need to send Arnold and his elite team in to solve this pesky problem, or what?)

Here is the full article, by the way, for those who still like to read the newspaper:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/18/world/africa/18pirates.html?th&emc=th


I hope some useless-as-a-bag-o-dicks Hollywood scribe is hurriedly writing a really overwrought movie about them.

"Sunset in Somalia"
A thinking-man's thriller, starring James Spader as a disenchanted former missionary gone mad (!) and Leonardo DiCaprio as the FBI agent who decides to shut him down--at any cost.


Paul Haggis doing anything these days? He could TOTALLY murder this one!
Oh, wait--he's too busy cashing paychecks.

How about John Grisham? That guy's GOTTA have some free time...