What's Eating Joe Drape's Writing Talent?

And does he cover anything but the Kentucky Derby?

Check out this gem from his Derby article today:

"In 2007, after Borel guided Street Sense to a Derby victory with a similar rail-skimming, last-to-first trip, the nation was introduced to this humble, emotional man with a grade-school education and a Ph.D-sized heart. Borel, in turn, was introduced to Queen Elizabeth II at a White House state dinner."

"A PhD-sized heart?" Really? Did we just stumble into a poorly-written 1940's melodrama? I suddenly feel like ending my days by vomiting out my own vital organs. Since when does being a jockey require a college, or even high-school, education? Is it really that rare? Methinks not.

And how big is a PhD anyway? Is it bigger than a breadbox? Is it smaller than my foot shoved up your ass?

Also, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't point out the pointlessness of some dude affiliated with a gambling/sporting event attending a state dinner at the White House, not to mention the pointlessness of a Queen's mere existence. What does she do that needs to be done?

The only thing more unnecessary than a pope is a monarch.

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If There's One Thing a Horse Loves More Than Running Free, It's Racing Other Horses Around a Track Until They're Killed at an Early Age

The Kentucky Derby is tomorrow (be still thy heart!) and let's not forget what it is all about--stupid hats and shitty minty drinks.

If you're interested in the actual horses, as some millionaires who own them are, Larry Jones--trainer of the second-place horse in the last two races--had this to say about his entry this year, Friesan Fire:

“My colt can be anywhere,” Jones said. “Eight Belles had a wonderful trip here, and I think we’re going to repeat it. He’ll be in running position turning for home.”

"A wonderful trip?"

That poor little horsie broke her ankles at the finish line and was euthanized on the track, in front of everybody (or perhaps behind an improvised bedsheet curtain).

What a doting cross-species sportsman/father-figure that Jones is. Wait--I mean 'asshole.'

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