All This Because Some Rich Dude Felt Guilty About Inventing Dynamite

Huffington Post and the Associated Press dropped some stunning stats the other day, regarding President Obama's trip to Norway to receive the Nobel Peace Prize.

But first, a bit of interesting info you probably do not know about Alfred Nobel, courtesy of wikipedia:

The erroneous publication in 1888 of a premature obituary of Nobel by a French newspaper, condemning him for his invention of dynamite, is said to have brought about his decision to leave a better legacy after his death. The obituary stated Le marchand de la mort est mort ("The merchant of death is dead") and went on to say, "Dr. Alfred Nobel, who became rich by finding ways to kill more people faster than ever before, died yesterday." On 27 November 1895, at the Swedish-Norwegian Club in Paris, Nobel signed his last will and testament and set aside the bulk of his estate to establish the Nobel Prizes, to be awarded annually without distinction of nationality. He died of a stroke on 10 December 1896 at Sanremo, Italy. After taxes and bequests to individuals, Nobel's will gave 31,225,000 Swedish kronor (equivalent to about 1.8 billion kronor or 250 million US dollars in 2008) to fund the prizes.

Huh. Fascinatin'. And now, the larch*:

Despite his being there for only 24 hours, Norway is spending $16 million for security during Obama's visit. The chief of staff of Oslo's police force, John Fredriksen told the AP that the event was "the biggest - and most demanding - security operation in Norway's history."

From the AP:
With all the attention Obama's visit has generated, about 2,500 police officers from all over the Nordic country have deployed to Oslo. The Norwegian military has also contributed support in the form of helicopters and sharpshooters.

Last week, city maintenance crews welded shut over 400 manholes in downtown Oslo, and police said they will remove all downtown trash cans on Wednesday afternoon to eliminate potential hiding places for bombs.[...]

Police and city work crews spent much of this week erecting barricades around Oslo's compact downtown to help control the crowds expected to surge into the capital when Obama arrives.

On Wednesday morning, Norwegian police armed with machine guns guarded the Grand Hotel as hotel workers installed bulletproof glass to protect the president during Thursday evening's procession.

Reminds me of my last state visit in 2003, although I believe I stayed at the Continental. They welded 400 manhole covers shut? I hope the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles weren't down there--or if they were, let's hope they at least had a stockpile of anchovy pizzas to wait out the surprise imprisonment...


*a Monty Python joke I hope at least three of you understood...
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Paging Mr. Fur Face

Ever wanted your own commemorative gold pan? Enjoy fishing for salmon? Have your own beard stylist?

If so, then you should be extremely disappointed that the 2009 World Beard and Moustache Championships already happened without you.

And that's real too bad, because there was surely enough categories for you to win at least one major award.


Ever found yourself supine on the damp, underwear-strewn floor of your parents' basement, stoned halfway to Jupiter, temporarily blind from Video Game Overdose (VGO), idly sliding a Slim Jim back and forth through the gap in your front teeth, wondering with what the road to a championship is paved?

Well, then you're welcome:

[This year's champion David] Traver, who is 43 and works as a driver for the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, got into facial hair competition locally about 10 years ago with the Mr. Fur Face competition during Fur Rendezvous. After that, he got involved with the South Central Alaska Beard and Moustache Club, which bid to bring the international championships to Anchorage this year -- beating out Liechtenstein.

With his beard stylist, Ledjha Carson, Traver months ago started brainstorming a beard shape that was "out of the box," he said. They considered eagle wings, moose antlers and a sled dog team before settling on the snowshoe. It took Carson 90 minutes to weave it the day of the competition.

"She wanted it right. She was very meticulous," he said. "But my neck is still stiff."

(courtesy Alaska Daily News)

So...I guess it takes not only the ability to grow facial hair, but also the common sense to hire a beard stylist to do all the work.

Huh. Maybe I should begin preparations for my victory in Trondheim 2011...any cutting-edge beard stylists out there wanna join Team Goodtime pro-bono?

Because I don't want to just think outside the box--I wanna turn that box inside-out and upside down, hammer it into a ninja star, launch it into the future to hone its edge on the stubborn skulls of space robots, send it back in time to let a dinosaur kiss it for luck, and then drop it on Norway like a goddamn neutron-bomb hangover-turd straight from the furious bowels of Thor himself!

LET'S DO THIS!!!

_

Ellis Island Re-Opens to Service Record-Breaking Exodus

In a bold move earlier today, the United States government decided to adjust its policies to mirror those of the Norwegian government, in an attempt to emulate the Scandinavian country's nearly universal economic, social, and cultural success.

As they say in Oslo, "Hva tilbakeslag?"

The legislation, sponsored by Senators John McCain (R-Arizona) and Richard Shelby (R-Alabama) stipulates that all first & second-generation immigrants and non-whites currently residing in the United States are to be immediately deported if they do not choose to flee of their own accord.

The citizens who remain shall then receive--by no later than October of this calendar year--free health care, free university education, breathtaking public transportation, and their fair share of the plunder from the homes of the departed.

"Trust me on this one, America--as soon as we are able to successfully streamline our social policy and get our computers back online, you will enjoy all the benefits you should already have been receiving. As for those leaving us behind, we surely hope they come back one day as deep-pocketed tourists, but are well-aware that probably won't be feasible on the $2/day they will be making from now on."
- Sen. John McCain

As for the location of their new home, qualified candidates have their choice of any island in Indonesia or any nation on the continent of Africa. Military transport or inflatable rowboats will be provided as needed.

"Good luck to you out there! May you carry on the fine pioneering spirit of your ancestors or selves!" - Sen. Richard Shelby

Teen participation in the workforce, specifically in the food service, construction, and harvesting industries, is expected to increase dramatically over the course of the next fiscal quarter.

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