Pinocchio P.R.

Transocean spokesman Lou Colasuonno at today's press conference in Monaco

"As part of Transocean's unwavering commitment to safety and rigorous maintenance discipline on all our rigs, we proactively commissioned the safety survey and the rig assessment review," Transocean spokesman Lou Colasuonno said in an e-mail early Thursday. "A fair reading of those detailed third-party reviews indicates clearly that while certain areas could be enhanced, overall rig maintenance met or exceeded regulatory and industry standards and the Deepwater Horizon's safety management was strong and a culture of safety was robust on board the rig."

(courtesy HuffPo)

Wow, sounds like this guy totally went to P.R.M.B.A. school. He should be so proud of his well-crafted bullshit--look at all those three-dollar buzz words and phrases!

"unwavering"
"rigorous"
"discipline"
 "proactively"
"a fair reading"
"culture of safety"
"robust"

Hahahahahahahahaha...yeah right, asshole--tell it to the judge.

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Okay, So...These Guys Are Fucked

Something tells me oil doesn't wash out of your stomach very easily, so something (Jeebus?) also tells me these two firemen are sacrificing their lives to try to stop an oil spill caused by the explosion of a pipeline in China.

I'm sure the massive trillion-dollar company in charge of the pipeline greatly appreciates their efforts and will reward their bereaved families with $100 of free gas at the very least and $150 at the very most. The environment thanks them for their heroic efforts, but that has never been a very tangible reward and has certainly never put food in anybody's bellies or cured their cancer.

The pipeline blaze:

Whoa.

Also whoa:

"We don't have proper oil cleanup materials, so our workers are wearing rubber gloves and using chopsticks," an official with the Jinshitan Golden Beach Administration Committee told the Beijing Youth Daily newspaper in apparent exasperation. "This kind of inefficiency means the oil will keep coming to shore. ... This stretch of oil is really difficult to clean up in the short term."

(courtesy HuffPo)

Oh, it's difficult to clean up an oil spill with chopsticks? No shit, asshole. Maybe you and everybody else in town should have thought about that before you let Asia's largest oil company run a pipeline into your bay.

Has there ever been a pipeline that did not leak at some point?

Also, aren't all of the world's plastic shovels and buckets and pasta strainers made in China? Do they really need to resort to chopsticks, or is there some sort of perverted national pride going on here?




[Photos courtesy AP]

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Exclusive Underwater Footage from the Gulf of Mexico:

Just as I thought--tragic.

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"I am shocked--SHOCKED--to find there is corruption going on in here."

Ladies and gentlemen...there is corruption in the oil industry.

I know, I know--WHAT?!

But it's true. Apparently, all this time--when I thought they were being responsible businessmen and honorable custodians of the environment--they have been bribing government officials to let them do whatever they want, drowning Congress in money to prevent both regulation as well as alternative energy development, manipulating prices to engineer windfall profits, and cutting corners at the expense of the environment.

The question here is: What are we going to do about it?

The answer here is: Nothing, sadly.

The better question here is: What CAN we do about it?

The answer here is: Nothing, sadly.

And so the distressed ostrich tucks his little head into the bosom of Mother Earth and ignores the hopeless sadness of the world around him. Death will come soon, but not soon enough.

Until then, enjoy yourself, for Christ's sake, ostrich!

Take those jet skis out to Lake Havasu and tear some shit up! Throw your aluminum beer bottles to the wind! Shoot some guns in the park! Forget to feed your baby! Who cares! We'll all be dead in 50 years anyway! WHOOOOOOO!!!


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Reader Poll: Should the $100 million man get his due?

As many of you already are aware, Andrew J. Hall is set to receive a $100 million bonus from a unit of Citigroup--a company which would have gone bankrupt had they not been bailed out by the taxpayers to the tune of $45 billion.

To make matters worse, his impressively profitable performance derives from speculation in energy markets, which is a practice on which the government is considering placing heavy restrictions.

Andrew Hall is one of those guys who manipulates the price of crude oil/gasoline, irrespective of the effect his efforts may have on millions of consumers with far less money than he, purely in the name of profit.

But then again, Mr. Hall has a contract--and this is America. He made Citigroup billions of dollars and we want them to make money so they can pay us back, right?

Or do we ever really expect to be paid back? I certainly won't hold my breath, or even stand on one leg.

Technically speaking, Mr. Hall did nothing wrong--he performed his job within legal boundaries (one would assume, although you never know when oil is involved) and it's the system that's broken.

But how do you fix a system if you keep giving people financial incentives to be selfish pricks? Maybe denying him his exhorbitant bonus would be a good first step in "putting things right that once went wrong."

And so it is that, not for the first time, I wish we would have simply let all the selfish, stupid, speculative financial firms in trouble just go bankrupt, allowing the healthiest ones to feast on their remains and grow stronger--things might have been a lot hairier, maybe, but such is the cutthroat nature of capitalism and, in the end, decisions like these would have been so much easier:

"Sorry, Mr. Hall, I know you made us billions of dollars in profit from all those stupid commoners who have to buy gas from the oligopoly to get to their $6/hr jobs cleaning the shrimp you eat out of the mouths of blue-blood virgin debutantes every Friday afternoon at the closing bell, but we have no money to pay you! We fucked up! Now, do me a favor and go fuck off back to your German castle and jerk off on your Schnabels!"

Man, life would be so much easier...

Or would it? What do you think, world?

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To Paraphrase Captain Renault in Casablanca:

"I am shocked--SHOCKED--to find that murder and subterfuge are going on in the international petroleum cartel."

But, apparently, it is.

Before you get too mad about it though, please take solace in the fact that Shell Oil was coerced into paying 1/5 of their daily profits-- $15.5million*--to avoid messy details getting brought up in court.

Now let's all just go back to our instinctive daily ritual of ignoring Nigeria...


*2008 annual profit=$34.1billion, a record

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No Shit

Industry Ignored Scientists

How else do you rack up over $95 billion in profit in 2007-8?

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