Are You Team Cain or Team Abel?

Will Smith, have you no shame?

Deadline New York has some totally tubular news for all those sexually-frustrated Twihard Christians out there that have been waiting their entire lives for a more relatable version of the story of Cain and Abel (read: with vampires):

EXCLUSIVE: Will Smith has attached himself to star in and produce The Legend Of Cain, an epic re-telling of the Biblical sibling tale, this time with a vampiric twist. Smith will play Cain, the original Bad Boy, and he will produce with Overbrook Entertainment partners Jada Pinkett Smith (his wife), James Lassiter, and Ken Stovitz. The script was written by Caleeb Pinkett and Dan Knauf, with Andrea Berloff revising. No studio or director yet for the Overbrook project.

Hmmmm...time to develop some CGI ab software so Mr. Scientologist doesn't disappoint the built-in audience for this historic adaptation of the Book of Vampires and I can become an overnight millionaire with my finger in the Biblical pie.

Any talented (and preferably sexy) programmers out there willing to work for Snausages?

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The Trouble With Hollywood, Part 2: Perfectly-Timed Case Study

The new Will Smith vehicle--Seven Pounds--opened this past Friday. What is it about? Well, after watching the trailer, it's hard to say. As far as I can tell, it's about Will Smith helping people who don't know why he's helping them, other than the fact that "he has to." The trailer and posters also pitch that this movie is directed by the same guy (Gabriele Muccino, perhaps Italy's only mistake?) who directed The Pursuit of Happyness, which was Will Smith's last attempt at Oscar glory by playing a real-life hero who conquers his fears and depression, and does good in the world, and scrunches up his face a lot in "emotional pain."

How did Seven Pounds do this weekend at the box office, you ask? Well, it finished second to Jim Carrey's Yes Man, with a take of only $14.8 million. Both movies performed well below expectations. Translation? They bombed. They might even lose money (I hope).

But what was to blame for this unexpected predicament?

Rory Bruer, Sony’s president for theatrical distribution, said he believed that Seven Pounds was hurt by the weather. But like Pursuit of Happyness, he said, the movie could earn total ticket sales of more than six times its opening — a level that might yet extend Mr. Smith’s winning streak [of consecutive movies earning more than $100 million, which stands at 8 --Ed].

Still, critics were especially rough on Seven Pounds, with its deliberately veiled plot line involving a man’s self-destruction in an effort to make up for his past. In a review for The New York Times, A. O. Scott said it was possibly one of most “crazily awful motion pictures ever made.” (courtesy NYTimes.com)

There you have it, folks; people didn't go see the movie because of the weather. It had nothing to do with it being an inexcusable piece of shit. Thank you for righting my upside-down world, Rory "The Asshole P.R. Robot" Bruer. You should win this year's Will Smith Award for Useless Everyman Heroism at the annual Assholes Convention on Boxing Day. Please claim your prize--a free one-week brainwashing course at the Scientology Testing Center on Hollywood Boulevard.

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