Hypocrisy, By the Numbers

All life, even that of unwanted, unborn babies the size of pencil erasers, is important. It is the most important thing in the world. How important?

Way more important than dealing with all the starving/malnutritioned, poorly-educated children all over the country who were born into a life of poverty, crime, and neglect.

So important that right-wing asshole ideologues will kill medical personnel to make sure there isn't any killing going on.

Since 1977, there have been eight confirmed murders of abortion providers or other clinic staff, 41 bombings, 175 arsons and 96 attempted bombings or arsons, according to the National Abortion Federation.

(courtesy HuffPo)

Breaking the law to interfere with legally-sanctioned activities and ignoring all the most important tenets of every major religion, all in the name of hypocrisy. Thanks, Red America.

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Vegas, Baby

Remember all those whacked out Dungeons and Dragons dudes who used to beat you up in high school?

Well, those harmless little cuties went on to college, where they graduated to fighting each other with cardboard swords covered in tinfoil on the Quad. After college, the mighty diehards among them carried the torch all the way to Ye Olde Renaissance Faire.

Those few, fortunate rogues chosen by the very Gods above, who eventually found these hilarious affairs tortuously tame, advanced further still, to the penultimate step--killing people with "a medieval-style battle ax."

Viz:

LAS VEGAS — Sonia Lisset Castro said she pleaded for her life and that of her baby but the stranger attacking them with a medieval-style battle ax on a residential street only mocked her and kept hacking.

"I was saying in English, 'Please, please leave me alone!' But he wouldn't listen to me," Castro testified through tears and a Spanish translator Monday about the Feb. 11 attack that left her 4-month-old son, Damien, dead.

"Every time he would hit me, he would laugh out loud," she said. "I was begging him to let me go, and he was mocking me."

Castro peeled back a gauzy white scarf to show a Las Vegas judge the scars on the right side of her head where surgeons reattached her face and jaw. She said her right eye was irreparably damaged.

Montague is facing one charge of murder with a deadly weapon and three charges of attempted murder with a deadly weapon.

He is accused of stabbing his profoundly disabled sister-in-law at least 20 times in their home, then bursting outside and randomly attacking Castro as she walked past on the street with her son in a stroller. His sister-in-law, 36-year-old Monica O'Dazier, was treated at a hospital and released.

Montague told police he had no memory of the attacks, and defense lawyer Norm Reed has characterized his client as delusional and paranoid. But neither Reed nor defense lawyer Andrea Luem has sought to have Montague declared mentally unfit for trial.

A neighbor who dialed 911 as she witnessed the attack from her home also identified Montague as the assailant. Teresa Garner testified Monday that after Montague ran back inside his home, she went to Castro's aid near the curb and the overturned stroller.

"I saw the baby lying in the street, dead," sobbed Garner, a 52-year-old disabled former hotel worker. "I saw the mother, her face was completely gone ... bleeding profusely."

Garner said she later suffered an emotional breakdown and spent seven days in psychiatric care. She said she continues to take several prescription anti-anxiety medications daily. After appearing to fall asleep for a few moments during questioning by Luem, she said the medications make her drowsy.

On the 911 call, which was played for the judge, Garner is heard shrieking, "Oh my God! Her face is split open where he hit her with the hatchet!"

Police have said the ax had been hanging on a wall in Montague's home before he used it in the attack.

Montague's wife, Erricca Montague, testified that Harold Montague spent several sleepless nights pacing the floor, wasn't eating well, and appeared dehydrated the day of the attack.

Harold Montague had served since 2004 as the primary caregiver for O'Dazier, who Erricca Montague said has cerebral palsy and mental retardation, suffers seizures and can walk only a few steps with assistance.

Under questioning by Luem, Erricca Montague said her husband has smoked pot but never took other drugs or drank alcohol. She testified she didn't feel her husband was a danger to her, their three children or her disabled sister.

(courtesy Huffington Post)

One would hope that had fair young Harold realized the final step was 'execution by obese former high-school football players poured into correctional-facility uniforms' he would have humbly duct-taped his weapon back onto the otherwise-blank wall above his Playstation/masturbation chair and played with something for a while instead.

Even if it could have been colored as cowardice, it would have been a much more fruitful way to take his mind off how dreadfully boring his life is these days (ie, every day since he was born).

But we all know those guys were never actually very smart, so, you know, here we are...sitting in a chair somewhere, wishing his mother would have had an abortion all those years ago...

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This Little Piggy Fell into the Gutter and Was Never Seen Again

Fortunately, this little fella's got a couple to spare.

In my best Jerry Seinfeld voice, I ask you this: What is going on with stroller manufacturers these days?

About 1.5 million Graco strollers sold at Wal-Mart, Target and other major retailers are being recalled after some children's fingertips were amputated by hinges on the products.

The Exton, Pa., company received seven reports of children placing their fingers in a stroller's canopy hinge as the canopy was being opened or closed. Five children had their fingertips severed and two children received cuts on their fingertips.

The strollers were made in China by Graco and sold...nationwide from October 2004 to December 2009.

In announcing the recall Wednesday, the Consumer Product Safety Commission said the strollers pose an amputation and laceration hazard to children when opening or closing the canopy. The government advised consumers to stop using the strollers and contact Graco to receive a free repair kit.

This is the second major recall in recent months of strollers that led to fingertip amputations and injuries. Last November, about a million Maclaren strollers were recalled after there were 12 reports of children's fingertips being amputated by a hinge mechanism.

The safety commission is now examining all strollers with the designs that have caused the fingertip amputations, said spokesman Scott Wolfson.

(courtesy LATimes.com/AP)

What the F?

So...the fingers of children across the country have presumably been getting amputated since 2004 and the Consumer Product Safety Commission is only now looking into it? Is anybody else thinking about Fight Club right now?

Q: How many severed baby fingers does it take before people give a shit?
A: Seventeen. Duh! Ask me something hard next time...

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No Wonder Babies Don't Want to Come Out!

Finger-lickin' good!

I have to tell you a little story. A story about the determination of the human spirit. And barbecue sauce.

It's a story that I swear is true, although I have been unable to unearth even a shred of internet evidence during a few thorough searches.

Here we go:

Years ago, when men were men, I read in a newspaper (remember those?) that shockwaves rippled through the New Orleans area when it turned out the winner of the annual BBQ sauce contest for the last 10-15 years was using amniotic fluid as his secret ingredient.



Say what?!

Yes. That was not a typo--I did not mean to say "pectin" and accidentally typed "amniotic fluid."

How was this discovered? Well, he was arrested--for the second time in a few years--at a local hospital, in disguise, trying to steal several large drums of amniotic fluid from wherever it is they keep those sorts of things in a hospital, as they await collection and disposal (into our rivers and streams) by one of our country's fine waste management companies.

When questioned by police, he owned up to the scheme and the policemen (probably) vomited all over him and threw away their stash of BBQ sauce in the office kitchen.

Just for a minute, imagine the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realize that for the last fifteen years, you have been smothering every goddamn piece of meat you have put in your mouth in a veritable cocktail of the amniotic fluid collected from the uteri of dozens, if not hundreds, of pregnant women in your county.


Much like Ace Ventura post-Einhorn-realization, there is no way to scrub that filth off you--it is in your very living tissue at this point.

Now try to imagine how desperate you would have to be, in your quest to win your city's vaunted BBQ sauce contest with a magical secret ingredient, to wind up trying the ole 'amniotic fluid' angle. I'm sure he tried at least a few other flavors first, right? What were they? Shit, mucus, and menstrual blood?

And...then what? Where did he get his first taste of amniotic fluid, to see if it would work? It's not exactly easy to come by--did he force his wife to give birth in their kitchen so he could whip up a test batch?

I mean, even placentophagists (get ready to open a whole new world when you click on this link) don't consume the amniotic fluid when they eat their placenta, so it's not like it's a delicacy elsewhere and we're just being nancy boys about it over here.

Alright, alright--this is getting too gross; but you should check this link out for a laugh before you go. And for those of you BBQ sauce lovers out there, don't worry--I don't think it was Sweet Baby Ray's, although that would have been SO perfect.

"Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce--Now with 50% More Amniotic Fluid!"


...and THAT'S why you should always read the list of ingredients.


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