Chink in Travolta's Armor

The real John Travolta, on a hammock, in repose, with minimal make-up.

(Photo courtesy The Superficial)

You know what they say about dominoes, right? As soon as one falls, they all knock into each other and make a mess or something. I think Sartre probably said it better in the original French, but you get the idea.

Yesterday, in a manner of speaking:
After decades of being an asshole in obscurity, John Travolta was finally outed as a Scientology freak who not only generously supports one of the world's largest, fiercest cults (blackmail's a bitch) but also--allegedly--would rather let his son die than have the medical care he needed. Both those links are must reads, by the way, so take your time on this one.

Today, in the same manner of speaking:
Travolta is outed as hiding for years and years what I would officially consider 'not-that-bad baldness' (see photo above). Apparently, Johnnyboy didn't think he should wear his cute little widow's-peak hairpiece to the beach one day and he was dead-wrong. A guy who demands reshoots of publicity photos because his piece ain't workin' right just doesn't make a mistake like this, folks. Is he slipping? Is he cracking? Are we on the verge of something big here?

[I must insist we also discuss how pale, flabby, and death-like JT's face looks in this photo. Are you trying to tell me those are human eyes? If so, you're wrong--that is clearly a robot from space sent to eat medium-rare hamburgers and destroy squirrels for a greater purpose we will never begin to understand (Dianetics, page 317). -Ed.]

Travolta at his most naked, his most honest, his most creepy. Coincidence?

Tomorrow:
What can we expect? Will His Travoltaness finally be broadcast live in streaming HD blasting some beaverboy between the buttocks on a beach in balmy Bermuda?

Well, as they also say, in Hollywood anything is possible...so stay tuned, people of the ether!

And a special message to all the beaverboys out there: Please do not underestimate the seriousness of your task to capture your delicious deeds on digital video. Truthseekers and anti-cult crusaders (whose memberships admittedly overlap considerably) everywhere are counting on you; you're our only hope.

Image courtesy LucasMonster Egocentric Vanity Enterprises, Inc

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Are You Team Cain or Team Abel?

Will Smith, have you no shame?

Deadline New York has some totally tubular news for all those sexually-frustrated Twihard Christians out there that have been waiting their entire lives for a more relatable version of the story of Cain and Abel (read: with vampires):

EXCLUSIVE: Will Smith has attached himself to star in and produce The Legend Of Cain, an epic re-telling of the Biblical sibling tale, this time with a vampiric twist. Smith will play Cain, the original Bad Boy, and he will produce with Overbrook Entertainment partners Jada Pinkett Smith (his wife), James Lassiter, and Ken Stovitz. The script was written by Caleeb Pinkett and Dan Knauf, with Andrea Berloff revising. No studio or director yet for the Overbrook project.

Hmmmm...time to develop some CGI ab software so Mr. Scientologist doesn't disappoint the built-in audience for this historic adaptation of the Book of Vampires and I can become an overnight millionaire with my finger in the Biblical pie.

Any talented (and preferably sexy) programmers out there willing to work for Snausages?

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There's Only One Thing That Could Make John Travolta Cool Again

And despite it sounding like a totally awesome idea if you are a movie executive who has no idea what people want, it isn't Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

Or a bald head. Or an RPG. Or an ill-conceived movie nobody saw.

What is it then, you ask?

Rob Lowe is Getting Awfully Tired

Of all these young female nannies getting all up on him and then forcing him to sue them for violation of their confidentiality agreement, part of which probably read like this:

"...and you promise never to tell anyone about all the sex we have or any other inappropriate thing I might do, so my wife of 16 years won't get mad, which is important because I love her very much. And you will also promise never to bring up the twenty hours of community service I did in Dayton, Ohio, in 1988, after being caught starring in a 'sexually-explicit videotape which involved a minor.' I hate being called a laborer."

If you haven't been paying attention to Lowe's legal woes over the years, which I hope is the case, because otherwise there's something wrong with you, here are a few points of interest:



1988---Sentenced to perform 20hrs community service in Dayton, Ohio, as a result of the above-mentioned video. That sounds like an awfully harsh punishment, John Q. Law! Rest assured he never even thought about sex with young girls ever again after that whole torturous ordeal...

2007--Sues ex-nanny Laura Boyce for allegedly violating the terms of her confidentiality agreement she signed before beginning work with Lowe and his wife, former make-up artist Sheryl Berkoff. She allegedly spread "malicious lies."

2007--Sues his former chef, Pete Clements, for allegedly violating...some part of his contract that must have forbid him from bringing "third parties" back to Lowe's house and violating them on Lowe's bed. And stealing prescription drugs. And "overcharging them for food." Isn't that an integral part of a chef's job? Come on, Rob...don't be petty.

2007--Ex-nanny Jessica Gibson blackmails Rob & Sheryl, demanding $1.5million by the end of the week or she 'will tell all.' Lowe informs the police that he would like to handle matters on his own, does not press criminal charges, and instead sues Gibson for violating the terms of her confidentiality agreement.

And I'm not sure what year it was, but a girl I know also had sex with Rob Lowe in the recent past, so, you know, it's no secret that the guy likes his ladies.

What innocent man has this many lawsuits going on involving inappropriate/immoral sexual encounters yet is, as his imdb bio claims "a clean and sober husband and father?"

The better questions: Who cares? Does anybody even like Rob Lowe? Would anybody care if malicious lies were told about him? Would anybody hear them? (besides me...) Would it really change anybody's opinion of him?

I just think it's funny that he is working so hard to stop the truth from getting out (and failing), not realizing how much worse he makes it for himself. I wonder if he's at all associated with Scientology...

Wow

How did a random fly girl suddenly rocket to stardom?
Read this for one fascinating hypothesis.

Up Is Down, Down Is Up!?!

A Beagle Won the Coveted Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show!

A beagle!

'The dumbest canine breed ever created in a test tube' has finally won the official approval of the notoriously snobbish, but dutifully just, dog-judgers!

"Despite the popularity of beagles in the U.S., none has ever won the top spot in the 100 year history of the prize." -abcnews.com

"The fix is surely in," thought naive young Miami cocaine smuggler and part-time dog breeder Miguel Caliente Ferrari-Caballero. And didn't we all agree? (I mean--come on! A beagle? What Russian mafiosovich tugged those strings to line his pockets?)

But then, only widget minutes later(!), after a bit of off-the-clock surveillance at the nearby Sunset Towers retirement community, risking his life to sniff out the truth for all of us out here in the real world, M. Ferrari-Caballero discovered that the fix most assuredly was NOT in. The brittle puppeteers behind the more media-friendly judging panel had simply become too senile to know the difference between a puppy and a box of rotting cow tongues.


Now, the meat:
What Does This Mean For You, As A Discerning Individual?

The short answer:
Only Time Will Tell

The likely final answer, revealed weeks from now for most, but right now just for you, because I like your face:
Nothing. Life will continue as usual. Time will pass. Slowly, but quickly, once you stop to think about it. You are still a loser. Your job is still a disappointment to you, however secret that evaluation might be. You are still short. You still sweat too much. Your girlfriend is still cheating on you, or trying to. You still don't know what it's like to be a real, live human being. But things can get better--once you embrace the deceptively logical tenets of Scientology...