Chink in Travolta's Armor

The real John Travolta, on a hammock, in repose, with minimal make-up.

(Photo courtesy The Superficial)

You know what they say about dominoes, right? As soon as one falls, they all knock into each other and make a mess or something. I think Sartre probably said it better in the original French, but you get the idea.

Yesterday, in a manner of speaking:
After decades of being an asshole in obscurity, John Travolta was finally outed as a Scientology freak who not only generously supports one of the world's largest, fiercest cults (blackmail's a bitch) but also--allegedly--would rather let his son die than have the medical care he needed. Both those links are must reads, by the way, so take your time on this one.

Today, in the same manner of speaking:
Travolta is outed as hiding for years and years what I would officially consider 'not-that-bad baldness' (see photo above). Apparently, Johnnyboy didn't think he should wear his cute little widow's-peak hairpiece to the beach one day and he was dead-wrong. A guy who demands reshoots of publicity photos because his piece ain't workin' right just doesn't make a mistake like this, folks. Is he slipping? Is he cracking? Are we on the verge of something big here?

[I must insist we also discuss how pale, flabby, and death-like JT's face looks in this photo. Are you trying to tell me those are human eyes? If so, you're wrong--that is clearly a robot from space sent to eat medium-rare hamburgers and destroy squirrels for a greater purpose we will never begin to understand (Dianetics, page 317). -Ed.]

Travolta at his most naked, his most honest, his most creepy. Coincidence?

Tomorrow:
What can we expect? Will His Travoltaness finally be broadcast live in streaming HD blasting some beaverboy between the buttocks on a beach in balmy Bermuda?

Well, as they also say, in Hollywood anything is possible...so stay tuned, people of the ether!

And a special message to all the beaverboys out there: Please do not underestimate the seriousness of your task to capture your delicious deeds on digital video. Truthseekers and anti-cult crusaders (whose memberships admittedly overlap considerably) everywhere are counting on you; you're our only hope.

Image courtesy LucasMonster Egocentric Vanity Enterprises, Inc

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The (Near) Future of Sex?

 
Imagine a world where people couldn't masturbate.

I'm talking about men and women here, remember, because women do it, too, whether they are as forward about it or not.

So, in this fantastical world that may only be two years in our future, imagine that, for whatever reason, there is now no masturbation in our genetic coding. Anything other than vaginal/anal/oral intercourse is not going to get the job done no matter how hard you try, so there is no reason to ever think it could happen.

The behavioral changes resulting from this slight reinterpretation (or evolutionary progression/regression depending on your point of view) of the human being would be stunning.

Viz:

- There would be a lot more sex happening. Women could not defer to their hand or vibrator, men could not defer to their hand or Pocket Pussy TM. Both sexes, for various reasons, would be more inclined to actual interpersonal interaction of the sexual variety, which is a truly undebatable result of this restriction, if you ask me.

- A lot more straight guys would be involved in gay sex--since they might get an undeniable urge at some point, be unable or unwilling to pick up a woman for a quickie, and would be unable to masturbate, remember--although my guess is that most straight crossovers would be in the "Only Blow Jobs, Thanks" category, and might even pay extra for some program that fakes men into women with digital wigs and whatnot (most helpful when paired with squinting), since it will happen often enough over a lifetime, let's be honest.

- A digital solution to the "I Can't Masturbate So What Do I Do" problem would emerge almost overnight, since computer geeks are out there and we all know the necessary technology exists at this moment for a virtual sex program.

A virtual sex program? What? Is this some kind of Strange Days meets laser tag meets sexting meets yeah-right-like-that-will-ever-exist bullshit?

Well...it actually could exist, it could be called "Pandora's Box," and hear me out:

A man puts some kind of sensor-equipped sleeve over his penis that is connected to his computer and a woman connects her specially-designed vibrator to her computer, they connect over the internet, and they're off.

Every thrust and clench is made digital, transmitted over the internet, and felt in near-real-time. Piggyback this onto a program like iChat or gChat, and tell me you don't have a near-sex experience with somebody--sound, sight, and sexual sensation.

Some of the long-term effects of this revolutionary leap would be as follow:

- Women will have more sex. Every time a woman would ordinarily reach for her vibrator or rely on her fingers, she would have the option of contacting some male friend of hers, ex-boyfriend of hers, or a total stranger for a virtual-sex session instead. Do you actually think she wouldn't? Disease-free, semi-private (he's not in your home, in your bed, there in the morning, etc), almost-not-really-cheating-since-it-isn't-real, etc...you have to admit this would be an extremely attractive option if a girl could do this instead of whatever she does now.

- Men will have more sex. Every time a man wants to masturbate, he would instead have the option of contacting a female friend, ex-girlfriend, or stranger for a little semi-illicit virtual sex session instead of being alone. He would know exactly who to call, and one of them would eventually say yes. In a pinch, he could always call a guy he knows and play make-believe.

- Cheating as we know it will splinter into a million shades of gray. Is it cheating to use this program? Is it more like cheating if it's an ex-significant-other instead of just a friend? Will fuck-friend finally be a term that makes it into the dictionary? Is it better to have a guy or girl virtually cheat than to actually cheat? Is virtually cheating okay, since it's safe and virtual? Will there be caps placed on the amount of virtual cheating, in order to maintain status quo in the relationship?

- Threesomes and foursomes will skyrocket in popularity once they can be accomplished virtually. Think about it--if it ever starts to feel weird, you just turn the unit off and do whatever you want to do. It pretty much sells itself to that enormous chunk of the population that is currently on the fence regarding group sex.

- Sure, some people will abuse this capability and go off the deep end, spending 20 hours a day with some digital-capture attachment on their dicks, trolling the internet looking for any possible willing partner, but that is to be expected. There are always freaks around who do what they're not supposed to do and skew the data. Your average consumer, meanwhile, would still benefit from this enormously, as it is something that will be a godsend whenever one member of the couple has to travel, whenever people date long-distance, whenever people are just too shy to get it done in person, or whenever people might otherwise go out and date-rape or rape somebody, etc.

- Whoa, yeah--I pulled out the rape card. If people couldn't masturbate, there would be more rapes. That, I feel, is a tragic but inarguable point. Many of the potential-rapists out there today would jump off the fence and start getting into trouble once we removed masturbation as an alternative. But if we come back to the real world for a second, where masturbators are plentiful, and then add this revolutionary new program (Pandora's Box) into the mix, then what we have here is a virtual way to reduce incidences of rape. If some guy could get lucky with a random acquaintance or prank call a girl in the phonebook who's willing to virtually fuck him because she's bored or just horny or whatever, he is less likely to go out there and actually rape a girl. It may not drastically reduce the number of rapes, but if it even reduced that number by one it would be worth it.

Now, whether or not we ultimately get into a David-Foster-Wallacean situation--where people purchase realistic-looking digital representations of themselves that are way hotter than they should be or of a different sex or whatever (from freelancers at Pixar?)--let's just remember that while this potential development is fascinating from a philosophical/pyschological standpoint and full of further economic opportunity, it is also pretty much irrelevant to the conversation at hand.

The fact of the matter is that people who want to wear masks will be attracted to this, as will people who have no need for masks but won't ask too many questions for fear of the answers. When virtual sex becomes fairly commonplace, asking a partner whether their digital representation is real would be like asking your girlfriend today if her eyelashes are real--you won't even bother cuz you could never be sure you're getting a straight answer, so what's the point?

The gay men of today (who have iPhones) have Grindr...what will the gay AND straight people (who have iPhones and/or computers) have tomorrow?

The gays led us to all the trendy loft districts, all the trendy fashion updates...why not to all the trendy means of sexual gratification?

Why not jump into the endgame right away? I know we can do it and it'll be a beautiful slow-build with a seemingly infinite lifespan, add-ons, apps, accessories, avatars, additional sensory receptors...

Have I sold you on this yet? If not, then I don't think you are thinking clearly and I want you to forget you ever read this. If so, let's talk investment stake and get this thing off the ground, hit up Sean Parker for some extra money, etc.

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Further Proof People Will Watch Anything If They Have No Good Choices

The Expendables takes the crown two weeks in a row, after FIVE new movies premiered this past weekend? And all it took was a $16.5 million haul in August?

Some shitty spoof of shitty vampire movies came out to no acclaim? A 3D remake of low-budget cult-hit Piranha? Bow-Wow wins the lottery? Some movie about Julia Roberts eating gelato in Italy while looking for herself/a man that middle-aged women don't even like?

What the fuck is going on? Is this the third horseman?

It gets worse: The Nanny McPhee sequel beat out America's Sweetheart(TM) Jennifer Aniston's The Switch. Ha-ha!

Will this undeniably laughable result finally decrease her shitty-romantic-comedy output to less than two per year in the coming decade (until she finally ODs on whatever it is that numbs her), or do I have to sew my eyeballs shut every time I risk encountering a billboard or commercial?

Speaking of Jennifer Aniston (nee Brangelina), I know there are plenty of men out there who would 'put one in her,' but aside from that, does anybody actually care for her at all? Anybody not on her payroll, I mean. Does she have fans? Who are they? Do they not realize how boring and whiny she is, or are they interested in her like somebody who goes down to the Y once a week is interested in some little kid without a dad?

By the way, not all movies made these days are shitty--the ones that are good are usually just really hard to find. For example, when will we finally get to see 2009's I Love You Phillip Morris?

Which 12 old white men running this country from the rec room at the C-Street House do I have to blow like a circus seal during some clandestine pagan ritual in order to get the religious-right minority to back down on this one? Would they even realize the irony in making me do that? How many of them will write me checks for my services because they don't know how to use an ATM?

I'd rather not have to accidentally blow any footsoldiers, so precision is appreciated here, my child; do whatever you need to in order to get me those names.

Love,
Your Mother

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The Bible: The First Corporation?

Much like the corporation is a faceless legal entity that conveniently takes all the blame for the actions of the greedy, shady humans that run it, the Bible readily absorbs blame whenever anyone wants to be an asshole.

There's Only One Thing That Could Make John Travolta Cool Again

And despite it sounding like a totally awesome idea if you are a movie executive who has no idea what people want, it isn't Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

Or a bald head. Or an RPG. Or an ill-conceived movie nobody saw.

What is it then, you ask?

Life Imitates Art: Anthony Hopkins Murders Wife, Stores Body in His Freezer

MOBILE, Ala. — An Alabama evangelist who authorities say terrorized his family while preaching at revivals has been sentenced to life plus 51 years in prison after being convicted of killing his wife and storing her body in a home freezer.

Circuit Judge John Lockett imposed the sentence Thursday on Anthony Hopkins, 39, who showed no remorse during the proceeding. He got the maximum sentence of life for murder and additional time for convictions including sodomy and sexual abuse.

(courtesy Huffington Post)

Okay, so...it isn't the Anthony Hopkins we all wanted it to be--cuz we all love a great hook that follows through, no matter the cost, right?--but it is an interesting story nonetheless.

Stay with me now:

During Hopkins' trial in April, prosecutors said he killed his 36-year-old wife, Arletha Hopkins, in 2004 after she caught him molesting a girl, then stuffed her body in a freezer at their home in north Mobile. Investigators discovered the body in 2008 after a young woman abused by Hopkins told child advocates about it, authorities said. Police arrested Hopkins while he was preaching at a revival in the south Alabama town of Jackson.

Defense attorney Jeff Deen said his client admits putting his wife's body in the freezer, but he doesn't know how she died.

"There's evidence in the trial that it could've been by natural causes, and it needs to be explored on appeal," Deen said.

Okay, so...there was a body in Anthony Hopkin's freezer for four years, while he was parading around the South preaching gospel to a bunch of suckers, molesting young girls, doing research for a role. Sorry.

I hate that it's the case, but this whole tragic affair in Alabama is no big surprise. I read about shit like this every day. Yes, the rise of the internet--not to mention the ready availability of audio recorders, video recorders, still cameras, traffic/security cameras, cell phones...--has been a sword with two razor-sharp edges.

Are people more corrupt and disgusting these days? Lord, no--think about the kind of shit the medieval aristocracy were up to, not to mention the Kennedys; think of how easy it was to cheat on your wife when phones didn't even exist. People today just get caught a whole hell of a lot more often, although, thanks to The People's short attention span and general ignorance, they rarely pay any price.

Anti-gay politicians busted for being gay, family-values politicians busted with mistresses/second families, deficit hawks voting for unlimited defense spending, Catholic priests molesting thousands of children, Popes kissing Nazi boots, televangelists raking in millions, Tom Cruise pretending he's not gay, Southern preachers molesting girls and murdering wives...it's all there on the internet, all there recorded for posterity, all there being ignored by 99% of the population. I wish the unwashed masses--who, unfortunately, have all the political muscle--were aware of all this shit, or at least aware of what it all means.

If you're reading, dear, dear, unwashed masses that I love more than little baby Jebus himelf, here is what it all means:

We cannot implicitly trust anybody in power to do the right thing--EVER--despite what they may or may not say with their mouths when they want your vote or get caught on camera with their dick in a small child or barnyard animal. Rather, we need to judge them based on their deeds and then hold them accountable; we need to look into the issues and identify those who act against our interests. This requires that we not only do our due diligence and read Huffington Post, Harper's, and Nothing is Sacred every chance we get, but also that we process what we are reading, come to intelligent conclusions, and act upon them.

Sadly, much like when they were in school, the unwashed were not paying attention.

They are all out there in this magnificent world, soiling theater seats as they chortle at lazy donkey-fart jokes in Shrek Again! In 3D!, petitioning the government to get their goddamn hands off their Medicare, Photoshopping fake Kenyan birth certificates, spacing out during reruns of Two and a Half Men as they reminisce about how cool high school was, playing video games, beating up fags on their way to the gay bar, staring at the wall and saying "Duh...", or taking advantage of the awesome drinkability of shitty domestic beer as they needlessly wave around a loaded handgun at their five-year-old's backyard birthday party, as part of some kind of elaborate joke nobody gets until they accidentally shoot a child in the face and they all crack up until they realize what actually, somehow, happened.


What is to be done about all this? Nothing.

That's right--nothing. Eventually, the people will do the right thing and revolt en masse. Eventually the cycle will repeat itself and people will wind up in the exact same place. It is what we do.

Why do you think intelligent people who are not also thieves and assholes always have such a frustrating time of things?

The secret is to not care, to stop giving a shit about the gross injustices perpetrated every day across this once-great (before mankind spoiled it) globe.

The rich have gotten richer, the rich will continue to get richer, evils are rewarded, and the businessmen and politicians may change but they will all stay the same. The day when naive voters are turned away from their polling places by ear-splitting, paralyzing sonic rays emitted from a Halliburton Soft-Kill Crowd-Control Cannon is nigh, folks. It is nigh.

So drink up, tune out, fuck around, and stop washing yourself so damn much.

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Finally, a Boy Scout Badge for Fat Kids

As if to reinforce their emphatic anti-homosexuality stance, the Boy Scouts of America have introduced a new badge--for playing video games.

Finally, overweight suburban heterosexual boys can get their first badge!

Next on the docket? Badges for masturbation, weight gain, and accidental napping.

Talk about playing to your audience...


In other Boy Scout news--from three years ago--the Radioactive Boy Scout has been arrested!

Viz:

David Hahn, 31, aka the radioactive boy scout was arrested and charged felony larceny on August 1st [2007] after a maintenance worker saw him stealing a smoke detector (smoke detectors contain a small amount of a radioactive isotope) from a ceiling in an apartment in the complex where he lived in Clinton Township, Michigan. Officials later found 16 smoke detectors in Hahn's Detroit suburb apartment.

Hahn became known as the radioactive boy scout in 1994 for his attempt to build a nuclear reactor in his family's backyard shed in Commerce Township, Michigan, he was 17 at the time.

In August of 1994 police stopped Hahn during a investigation into neighborhood tire thefts. This lead officers to find radioactive materials, chemicals, rocks, plastic, glass bottles and two exploded pipes in his car.

In an interview with Michigan health officials, Hahn, said he had been trying to produce energy and hoped it would help him earn his Eagle Scout badge. He acknowledge having a backyard laboratory in a potting shed at his mother's home.

Hahn's reactor was a large, cored-out block of lead, and he used lithium from $1000 worth of batteries to transform samples of thorium and uranium into fissionable isotopes. He gather radioactive materials by collecting small amounts from household products, such as americium from smoke detectors, thorium form camping lantern mantles, radium from clocks and tritium from gunsights. His home made reactor ended up emitting toxic levels of radioactivity, around 1000 times normal background radiation.

The United States Environmental Protection Agency designated Hahn's mother's property as a superfund hazardous materials cleanup site, dismantled the shed and its contents and buried them as low-level radioactive waste in Utah. Hahn refused medical evaluation for radiation exposure.

Hahn's recent mugshot shows that his face is covered with sores which investigators claim are from exposure to radioactive materials. He is being held on a $5,000 bond in the Macomb County jail. If convicted, he could face up to four years in jail.

(courtesy Rad Journal)

In addition to everything else about this news story, I love that 'cleaning up' a Superfund site amounts to little more than 'burying it in Utah.'

This explains so much about the fine people of Utah...

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Jim Cramer and Glenn Beck Simultaneously Rupture Brain Aneurysms During Intercourse

In the wake of the recent--and, admittedly, surprising--indictment of Goldman Sachs for fraud, Goldman alum/boot-licker Jim Cramer has had a particularly hard time keeping his famous temper under wraps.

During such tough times, when nobody else understands him, when everybody reminds him how often he's been wrong in the past, and he loses his voice from screaming too much, he has no choice but to call in sick and cry on the shoulder of his secret lover, Glenn Beck.


After all, if anybody understands a crier, it is Glenn Beck; if anybody understands the unfair situations that televised liars are put in, it is Glenn Beck.

But these two unfortunate media behemoths have had to be careful about their treasured trysts, since freedom-haters everywhere would love nothing more than to catch them in the act and ruin their lucrative careers by propagating lies in the liberal media.


This being the case, they wisely borrowed a page from the Book of Cruise/Travolta and only engage in homosexual liaisons while flying in a private plane, high above the prying eyes of truth-seekers.

And so it is that, just yesterday, after the inevitable crying-on-each-other's-shoulder foreplay at 30,000 feet, while deep in the throes of unbridled hate-fucking, Jim Cramer tried his best to scream--but no sound would come out!

Not one to go down without a fight, our Jim heroically summoned all his reserve energy and was finally able to emit a dog-whistle-pitched high-C-above-high-C-above-high-C.

Unfortunately, this superhuman effort also ruptured one of his numerous brain aneurysms and he immediately collapsed into a lifeless pile of bones and skin.

Always ahead of the game, Glenn picked up on Jim's death before it even happened, and had already begun the most hysterical crying jag of his entire life.

As soon as poor Glenn realized there were no cameras around to record his magnum opus, it was too much for him to handle and his own brain aneurysm finally fell victim to the communists.


Sadly, the tragedy did not end there, folks.

The dog-whistle screech emitted by St. Cramer shattered not only the eardrums of the two heroically-discreet pilots and the Tibetan-midget fluffer, but also every bit of glass in the entire plane.

The sudden loss of cabin pressure, inability to hear barked emergency orders, crazed midget, and mass confusion sent the luxurious, windowless Learjet 45 into a tailspin.

The doomed plane crashed to Earth somewhere in remote Tea-Bagger Appalachia, exploded on impact, and burned itself to dust, which was fittingly spread by the four winds over the country they loved perhaps too much, thus depriving the world of any evidence this ever happened.


As far as the rest of the world knows, thanks to the fine folks at FOX Propaganda, these two pillars of the American community merely had their fill of all the liberal bullshit choking America to death and bravely fled to Cayman Island obscurity--where the financial-criminal expats and descendants of slave traders know a thing or two about real freedom--to live out the rest of their lives in aristocratic peace, as historic heterosexual heroes who only have gay sex in private.

-God

April Fools!

Wait, I'm not late for that bus, am I? Oops--sorry!

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Now THIS Is a Movement I Can Get Behind!

(photo courtesy Goodtime Charlie archives)

Students belonging to the group Atheist Agenda are offering porn in exchange for Bibles at the Student Center at the University of Texas-San Antonio, of all places. This has been going on since 2005, but I must have forgotten about it.

Did you, too? If so, more here.

Now, I don't have much use for porn, since my available sexual partners are so numerous they have splintered into factions, but if you ask me, that's a pretty fair trade. Hell, it might even get me to start collecting those stupid Bibles people plant in motel rooms, trying to scoop you up and drop you right into the gnashing teeth of the Lord when you're at your weakest, about to pay for porn in a depressing and filthy room somewhere...

Speaking of porn...again...still...it appears there was a study of pay-porn sites that shows red states are much bigger fans of the sinful stuff than their bluer counterparts. Surprised?

Also, in sexual news today, another Republican hatemonger was busted with a double whammy--getting a DUI while taking a man home from a gay club for sex. And let's keep in mind that link is from FoxNews...

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Houston's Mayor Is So Gay

Literally. City Controller Annise Parker is openly gay and she just defeated former City Attorney Gene Locke, an African-American, in a run-off election, to become the mayor-elect of Houston.

Although she received 53% of the vote, the pear-shaped sparkplug in the unflattering wool suit didn't exactly ride in on a wave of popularity--roughly 150,000 votes were cast in a city of over 2 million people.

Is this because most Texans would rather sit this one out than have to choose between a black guy and a lesbian? Hmm...as tempting as it is to say 'yes, that makes sense' it appears only 188,000 votes were cast in the initial election, which did feature at least one old white man.

What could be the cause of this low voter turnout in the largest city in Texas, a state whose inhabitants generally pride themselves on being outspoken, if usually on the wrong side of the issue?

Were all the candidates gay? Were they giving out free gun racks at WalMart? Were the American Idol auditions held the same day?

Is Houston a city made up almost entirely of orphaned children? Are the sidewalks paved with licorice and the grass actually spray-painted Big League Chew? Are their schools merely Chuck E. Cheeses in disguise? Did Oliver Twist deliver Parker the votes in exchange for an extra helping of gruel?


Or is the real Houston more like the rest of the country than we non-Texans would care to admit, its residents more aware than ever of how pointless most elections are, considering the fact that pretty much every politician is owned by the same interests and will come to the same end result, if by slightly different paths?

Not including the presidential contests held every four years, we have reached a point of gross disengagement on the part of the electorate, a direct result of our growing disenchantment with our leaders of the last...60 years. We may not have realized it at the time, but we realize it now--all the local, state, and national leaders we elected have all played their part in steering us into this irretrievably-fucked cesspool of modern politics and social/fiscal responsibility.

Whether they allowed lobbyists dictate policy in exchange for campaign money or consultant jobs post-office, or turned a blind eye while the financial industry ran amok, or let Halliburton start an eternal war on terror, our elected officials have consistently chosen business interests over the interests of their constituents, over the interests of the planet we all live on.

Now we have arrived at a place in time where The Machine is too big to fail--the rich want to get even richer, at any cost, and they have enough money to make it happen. They know all they need to do is lie, grease a few dozen palms, have those greased palms spread the lie, and the details will get lost in committee or on page 44E of a newspaper nobody reads.


We, the voters, are guilty of aiding and abetting, by giving these conspirators our votes time and time again. What better way to avoid future blame than failing to cast a vote, right? We'll show them!

Of course, this failure to participate only makes matters worse and will eventually result in some future class-struggle-cum-revolution, but whatever--much like our response to recycling efforts, water and electricity conservation, and pollution control, we don't really care because we'll all be dead by the time the effects are really felt.

Or will we? Who knows--the future is always uncertain (unless you're one of the lucky ones).

One thing that is certain is that selfishly doing whatever you feel like and crossing your fingers that you won't have to personally face the consequences is not as helpful as thinking of the big picture and using those fingers to enact whatever small changes you can in your daily life.

Stop being selfish, become and remain informed, vote wisely, hold people accountable for their actions, and help make the world a better place for all those goddamn children poor people keep having...

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Eight-year-olds, dude.

I may be behind the times--or off my memory meds again--but check out what I just found while in a Marquis de Sade internet k-hole:

(courtesy blogs.abcnews.com)

Wow. Nice. I love it when a silver-haired old pervert says LOL and uses 'your' incorrectly. It's a real turn on--makes me wanna go down to the junior high, get some kids drunk, and fuck some unsuspecting ass! Woo! Hypocritical Republican Roman Catholics rule!


In case you were curious, I found the above article while reading this gem.

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Fruit Machines Are For Wankers...

Stumbled upon the following funny item while reading up on the history of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police on wikipedia.org:


"Following the 1945 defection of Soviet cipher clerk, Igor Gouzenko and his revelations of espionage, the RCMP Security Service implemented measures to screen out 'subversive' elements from the public sector. What began as a perceived need to create a bulwark against communism had, by the 1950s, been extended to homosexuality because homosexual acts were illegal, considered a sign of “character weakness,” and because the KGB could use it to blackmail civil servants into revealing state secrets.

"Scores of people were fired as part of this campaign, which included the development of a 'fruit machine.' This machine was based on the premise that changes in pupil dilation when viewing beefcake photos of nude men would scientifically determine whether or not a test subject was gay.

"After four years, the machine failed to produce results, and the program was discontinued."


I now ask the Canadian Government the following questions:

1. Really?
2. Really?
3. Four years?
4. How do you know it 'failed to produce results?' Did the machine say the man wasn't gay, but then he demanded to give you a blow job? Or did the machine keep saying you were gay and it was, therefore, 'wrong?'
5. Where can I get one of these fruit machines? I'd love to continue the research, for the sake of science.