Showing posts with label Twilight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Twilight. Show all posts

Monday, July 19, 2010

Are You Team Cain or Team Abel?


Will Smith, have you no shame?

Deadline New York has some totally tubular news for all those sexually-frustrated Twihard Christians out there that have been waiting their entire lives for a more relatable version of the story of Cain and Abel (read: with vampires):
EXCLUSIVE: Will Smith has attached himself to star in and produce The Legend Of Cain, an epic re-telling of the Biblical sibling tale, this time with a vampiric twist. Smith will play Cain, the original Bad Boy, and he will produce with Overbrook Entertainment partners Jada Pinkett Smith (his wife), James Lassiter, and Ken Stovitz. The script was written by Caleeb Pinkett and Dan Knauf, with Andrea Berloff revising. No studio or director yet for the Overbrook project.
Hmmmm...time to develop some CGI ab software so Mr. Scientologist doesn't disappoint the built-in audience for this historic adaptation of the Book of Vampires and I can become an overnight millionaire with my finger in the Biblical pie.

Any talented (and preferably sexy) programmers out there willing to work for Snausages?

_

Friday, December 11, 2009

Roman Polanski's Gravest Sin

Roman & Robert Evans, back in the day (photo: Goodtime Charlie)

No, it has nothing to do with rape, Daisy-Dukes, or Robert Evans' gloryhole, but something much, much worse:

Jim "I still wish I was my brother, even though he's dead" Belushi


Roman's new movie, The Ghost Writer, was recently picked up for US distribution by Summit Entertainment (yes, they of Twilight/New Moon fame), in an interesting move from a PR standpoint what with him being in jail right now, and also stars Pierce Brosnan, Ewan McGregor, Tom Wilkinson, Timothy Hutton, Kim Cattrall, and Olivia Williams.

Here is an exceptionally brief synopsis of the movie, courtesy of imdb:
A ghostwriter hired to complete the memoirs of a former British prime minister uncovers secrets that put his own life in jeopardy.
Here is a better synopsis, courtesy of Movieline:
The movie thriller tells the story of a former British Prime Minister, Adam Lang (Pierce Brosnan), who is holed up on an island off the Eastern seaboard of the U.S. in midwinter, writing his memoirs. When his long-standing aide drowns, a professional ghostwriter (Ewan McGregor) is sent out to help him finish the book. The anonymous ghost writer is quickly drawn into a political and sexual intrigue involving Lang’s wife, Ruth (Olivia Williams) and his aide (Kim Cattrall). Hanging over Lang is the threat of a war crimes trial and a mysterious secret from his past that threatens to jeopardize international relations. The cast also includes Jim Belushi, Robert Pugh and Tom Wilkinson. Alexandre Desplat scored the film.
Here's to hoping The Other Belushi plays naught more than a bumbling, farting clown pushed into the ocean after failing to entertain Pierce Brosnan's five-year-old grandson at a birthday party in Martha's Vineyard and never seen again, even in real life.

Perhaps Roman's got it right and it's the role he was born to play? Why second-guess the master behind Chinatown and The Tenant...

Polanski in drag, in his best movie you've probably never seen--The Tenant

_

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Twilight Fans Unite!

For one of thine own hast fallen:



Anyway, let's all meet behind the Pinkberry on Main Street--the newer one, not those shitty older ones on the other side of the street--at 8am tomorrow and beat the shit out of Marc and his asshole hater friends on the way to class!

Yay!

Oh--remember to bring your official Hogwarts magic wands, Wolverine gloves, and vampire teeth. Might as well go all out!!! LOL!!!!

_

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

His and Hers Apocalypse

If I must choose, I will go with Team Jacob, since his lone fan in this photo
is also the only one with whom I would ever consider having sex.


There has been a lot of barking from the men around here lately that New Moon is one of the foretold horsemen signaling 'the end of cinema as an art form,' or something to that effect, and that women--especially teenage girls--are to blame.

I have no bone to pick with this assertion, as I am inclined to agree, but I wonder if we would have the same opinion as to which horseman it was, although I'm sure we would all agree it wasn't the first.

After all, many of these same poo-pooing men paid money to see Transformers 2, even though they figured they wouldn't like it--and were correct.

Was the first Transformers movie not a previous horseman of said apocalypse? And yet they allowed their ticket revenue to fuel at least two sequels (yes, a third one is already slated for a 2011 release), thereby actively supporting the creation of the same awful movies they lament.


The problem here is not that women are supporting movie franchises that pander to the fifth-grade-educated masses, like Harry Potter and Twilight, but that men are doing the same thing on the other side of the aisle with Transformers, G.I. Joe, and Star Trek (I won't mention the second Star Wars trilogy, out of reverence for the first, but I should, so I kinda half-did).

The bottom line: It's the same as it was with Bush's eight year reign--people from all walks of life and of both sexes are to blame.

If Lord of the Rings proved anything to movie executives, it's that special effects tied to a popular fantasy book series can reap billions of dollars for rich white men, whether or not there is an interesting, enjoyable, well-paced story. As a result, we live in a PG-13 world and our movie screens are now filled with little but superheroes, animated toys, hobbits, wizards, and vampires.

Until everybody realizes their money is their vote, as far as which movies get made, and starts treating their moviegoing decisions more seriously, there will be no reversal of course. Nobody is going to take the time, effort, and risk required to make good movies if they can make more money making bad ones. It is simple supply & demand economics: the more money these awful movies make, the more awful movies there will be to choose from at the multiplex.

Hell, there may be 100 Transformers/Twilight movies by the time they stop turning a profit. How long was Cats on Broadway? 18 years. How many episodes of Guiding Light have aired so far? 15,000.

Perhaps we have slipped into a second 'age of the serial' without even knowing it, where $300 million tentpoles have replaced 10-minute Keystone Cops shorts. If this is true, at least we can assume it is cyclical and we will once again see the light, once again have a decade like the 1970s. If it isn't...the Earth will either need to be blasted by an intelligence ray or a Roland-Emmerich-style world-exploding death ray.

I'm rooting for the intelligence ray, although my wager is modest.


Speaking of the apocalypse, beloved film icon Michael Bay has decided to put his spin on the Mayan 2012 prediction. Here is a summary of 2012: The War for Souls, set for a 2010 release, courtesy of imdbpro:

An academic researcher who opens a portal into a parallel universe and makes contact with his double in order to stop an apocalypse foreseen by the villainous ancient Mayans. And he also discovers that there are multiple copies of the Earth that co-exist in different dimensions. All of the versions of Earth are threatened by an apocalypse that is to occur in December 21, 2012! December 21, 2012 is the date of an apocalypse prophesied in the ancient Mayan calendar. The researcher makes contact with another version of himself on another Earth by opening a portal into a parallel universe. He contacts the double to try and stop the prophecy from being fulfilled at all costs.
Summary written by Anthony Pereyra
Not the best grammarian, that Anthony Pereyra, but I think he was able to communicate clearly on one point--this movie will suck in many dimensions.

_

Saturday, December 20, 2008

The Trouble With Hollywood Is...

that it's in the pocket of big business. I know this is not necessarily a new assertion, but let's get to the root of why and how this is not a good thing.

The first problem is that everybody loves movies--movies are art for the masses. You don't have to know how to read, how to think critically, how to study and examine; the images flash before your eyes at 24 frames per second for 90-120 minutes. You can take away from it whatever you want: "It was funny when the guy tripped." "That girl was hot." "Did you see that car crash?!" "I loved the characters; they were so troubled, so real..." "I never knew where it was going--but I always loved where it went!" "I didn't really understand it, but the critics loved it, so I do, too."

There are infinite levels of enjoyment. This leads everybody to think they know how to make them, that they know what the people want to see. But they don't. Not everybody should paint, not everybody should write, not everybody should be a photographer, not everybody should make movies.


The second problem is that movie stars are glamorous--they have the best parties, the most sex, the most fun...everybody wants in on it. Why should some CEO-type spend his life running the east coast's most-successful aluminum siding corporation when he could be running Paramount Studios and banging wannabe starlets all day long, when he isn't chatting about Europe with Clark Gable over martinis at the Beverly Hills Hotel pool? This leads people into the industry who shouldn't be there, who don't have the same goals in mind as those who burst with stories to tell on the silver screen.

The third problem is that there is a lot of money to be made. Or lost. There is much more money at stake in the film business than in other artistic realms. A bad painting loses the price of paint and a canvas ($100-200?); a bad photo shoot loses the price of your model, location/studio rental, props, assistants, hair/makeup, a few rolls of film, processing, and printing ($5-10,000?); a bad movie loses millions. Such risk naturally engenders less risky content. And so Hollywood operates with the notion that the movies don't have to be good to be successful; they just need to be successful.

Pirates, tornadoes, volcanoes, superheroes, fantasy warriors, the WWII platoon that could...in Hollywood, with so many people at the helm who shouldn't be, an idea hasn't run its course until it's been run so far into the ground that it came out the other side. When the movies bomb, the market is to blame, not themselves. Original ideas so often fail because they are crowded out of the marketplace by tits, guns, and familiarity. "Oh, I heard of that book!" "Oh, I like that guy's shitty TV show; now let's see him in a movie!" "That last vampire movie was okay; let's go see this newer one that's even worse!" This, of course, leads the studio heads even further away from original ideas.


The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford was my favorite movie of 2007. It was only released in 301 theaters; it only grossed $3.9 million domestically. It only needed to make $30 million to break even, but it was never even given the chance. As a result, slow, beautiful, intimate, 70's-style character pieces have 'proven' to not resonate with audiences and future similar projects will have an even more difficult, if not impossible, time getting made.

But there will be a FOURTH Terminator, and then a fifth... There will be another Dane Cook movie, even though he has repeatedly bombed ("We just haven't found the right vehicle yet...can we make him a vampire-wizard who falls in love with his nymphomaniac assistant, Angelina Jolie in glasses?").


But the main problem with Hollywood is one that people rarely discuss. Maybe they aren't even aware of it. Maybe it isn't true. I think that art should not be giving the public what they want; it should be giving the public what they don't even know they want, but like when they see it.

Who would have guessed they would like a Picasso, before they saw one? Can you imagine a publisher giving Henry Miller an advance for Tropic of Cancer? Art forms are forever shifting according to the whims and passions of artists, who create what they think the world needs, not what it wants. How do you move forward if you're always standing still or, worse, moving backwards?


What are the big sellers in photography these days? Can you picture a hunky fireman calendar hanging in the Art Institute? A cute picture of a kitten in a coffee mug for sale in a high-end art gallery? These are the photographic equivalents of the book and movie series Twilight, to chose one example. Yet, these photographs do not push real art out of the marketplace; the sad thing is that this is not true for the movies. If Twilight is playing on 4000 screens, then other movies are not playing anywhere.

If you are a studio executive, don't hire a talented screenwriter to turn your shitty, derivative idea into a script; hire him to write a script that he or she wants to write, regardless of whether or not you think there is an easily-pinpointed demographic ready to eat it up, whether its beauty can fit on a poster. Writers are artists, not tradesmen. Ditto for directors; the idea of a producer or studio executive having final cut on a movie makes me sick.

Don't make a vampire movie because another vampire movie made a lot of money. Don't shit out Narnia because Lord of the Rings did well. Don't make one $200 million movie, hoping to make $1 billion; make five $40 million movies where the artists actually have control, and one success will make you hundreds of million of dollars (the others will probably break even, once foreign box office and rentals are added into the mix). Don't spend $100 million to advertise a movie because it sucks and you need people to think they'll be missing out on a cultural touchstone if they don't see the movie whose egregiously-Photoshopped posters cover every bus bench and building in town.

If you're going to be businessmen, at least learn the first rule of business: never throw good money after bad--cut your losses.

Stepping aside from the art/business struggle, even from a purely business standpoint these are all bad decisions when you think long-term, when you think about industry health and growth. In the short term, a piece of shit derivative schlockfest might make some money, you might think you made the right call, and start production on two sequels, but you will pay for it by losing trust, which eventually results in losing customers.


Audiences are no longer as loyal as they once were, to studios, directors, actors...they have been burned too many times. They saw Patch Adams. They saw Troy. They still like to go to the movies, because it makes for a great date, a great escape, a great experience; but they are more fickle and can now only be tempted by a sure thing. They pick and chose more carefully and so the executives feel they need to give them a sure thing, a movie Joe Shmoe knows he will like because he already saw it with different actors in the same roles.

Studios complain that declining interest in going to the movies is a direct result of home theaters, illegally circulating DVDs, high ticket prices, a glut in the marketplace, technological distractions like the internet and video games...but these are not the problem. They WISH that was the problem; they don't want to admit--even to themselves--that the problem lies in their short-term profit strategies. Look at what happened to Wall Street this year; why would Hollywood be any different when it is run by the same people? People don't go to the movies as much as they used to BECAUSE THE MOVIES SUCK.

Hollywood should be leading the people, not pandering to them. Once we get visionary businessmen in charge of the picture business and they cede creative control back to artists they believe in, we will be back on track for long-term success; short of this reality, things will only get worse.

_