Gotta Love the Gamer Geeks (Sometimes)

This is one of those times:




[Thanks, Tomfoolery!]

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Finally, a Boy Scout Badge for Fat Kids

As if to reinforce their emphatic anti-homosexuality stance, the Boy Scouts of America have introduced a new badge--for playing video games.

Finally, overweight suburban heterosexual boys can get their first badge!

Next on the docket? Badges for masturbation, weight gain, and accidental napping.

Talk about playing to your audience...


In other Boy Scout news--from three years ago--the Radioactive Boy Scout has been arrested!

Viz:

David Hahn, 31, aka the radioactive boy scout was arrested and charged felony larceny on August 1st [2007] after a maintenance worker saw him stealing a smoke detector (smoke detectors contain a small amount of a radioactive isotope) from a ceiling in an apartment in the complex where he lived in Clinton Township, Michigan. Officials later found 16 smoke detectors in Hahn's Detroit suburb apartment.

Hahn became known as the radioactive boy scout in 1994 for his attempt to build a nuclear reactor in his family's backyard shed in Commerce Township, Michigan, he was 17 at the time.

In August of 1994 police stopped Hahn during a investigation into neighborhood tire thefts. This lead officers to find radioactive materials, chemicals, rocks, plastic, glass bottles and two exploded pipes in his car.

In an interview with Michigan health officials, Hahn, said he had been trying to produce energy and hoped it would help him earn his Eagle Scout badge. He acknowledge having a backyard laboratory in a potting shed at his mother's home.

Hahn's reactor was a large, cored-out block of lead, and he used lithium from $1000 worth of batteries to transform samples of thorium and uranium into fissionable isotopes. He gather radioactive materials by collecting small amounts from household products, such as americium from smoke detectors, thorium form camping lantern mantles, radium from clocks and tritium from gunsights. His home made reactor ended up emitting toxic levels of radioactivity, around 1000 times normal background radiation.

The United States Environmental Protection Agency designated Hahn's mother's property as a superfund hazardous materials cleanup site, dismantled the shed and its contents and buried them as low-level radioactive waste in Utah. Hahn refused medical evaluation for radiation exposure.

Hahn's recent mugshot shows that his face is covered with sores which investigators claim are from exposure to radioactive materials. He is being held on a $5,000 bond in the Macomb County jail. If convicted, he could face up to four years in jail.

(courtesy Rad Journal)

In addition to everything else about this news story, I love that 'cleaning up' a Superfund site amounts to little more than 'burying it in Utah.'

This explains so much about the fine people of Utah...

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Meet Nick--He Walks Up Stairs On All Fours and Is Afraid of Ketchup Bottles and the Word 'People'

Before we begin, I have to do this as a precaution against poor Nick reading this:

PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE PERSON PERSON PERSON PEOPLE PERSON


Okay. Now, see how much of this you can get through. It's fascinating.


He is Nick, from North Dakota. He is 24 years old. He doesn't watch movies or read books and only enjoys the dulcet tones of video game music. He stays in his bedroom 21-23 hours a day. He has 80 pair of stained underwear in the corner of his room and air dries his body after a shower, rather than spend 15 minutes looking for a towel that is unstained.

He has many complicated fears, problems, and obsessions--those ongoing and those overcome. These include mirrors, stairs, blue water, and chairs.

You wanna talk about weird food obsessions? He used to spend over 30 minutes degreasing his McDonald's double cheeseburgers before eating them. But now he pretty much only eats frozen cheese pizzas and potato chips. And he has a garbage bag in his room for all the crushed cans of Minute Maid Light Lemonade he drinks (he crushes the cans with his hands).

How does Nick feel about alcohol? He refers to it as "poison."

"Even though I'm now of legal age, if I was asked this again, due to my motive being -870, primarily due to the numerous negative effects, I'd otherwise always refuse the offer and even $2500 isn't enough to counter it."

He often differentiates between reality and life inside his 'mind game.'

What exactly does he mean by 'mind game?'

What sort of 'really funny' things does he get up to in his mind game?


On to the speculation and questions:

Is Nick retarded?

Is he autistic?

Is he merely obsessive/compulsive with a huge fear of social interaction?

What are his parents like?

Why have they allowed him to be this way?

How can they afford to buy him so many frozen pizzas and bottles of Powerade?

How was he able to write this much about his life, considering he does almost nothing?

Why does he have to buy a purse when he goes to the store?

What is all that underwear stained with?

What is his sex life like?

Does he masturbate?

What does his porn look like?

Scrolling pages of the decimal places of pi?

Why is he so into spells, but doesn't mention Magic or Dungeons and Dragons or Lord of the Rings anywhere?

Who plays the board games he creates?

Has anybody bought his video game for $12.95?

How much does it suck?

Who does he think reads this bottomless website?

What does he think we think of it?

Does he really think we care how he used to 'cook' his ramen noodles and Hamburger Helper?


I could go on forever, but I won't. I have a hankering for a pizza and I don't know why...

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"War is like a video game that kills you."

"No--wait--lemme try that again..."

The not-unattractive, reasonably fit, goateed man in Old Navy cargo pants and a Samuel Adams Winter Ale promotional sweatshirt cleared his throat and gave it another go, momentarily drowning out the Foo Fighters' latest sonic turd.

"Video games are cool, and so is war. Wait--video games are cool and being in the Army is kinda like that...a lot."

Two slack-jawed 17 year-old boys scowled at him like he was their dad.

"How dumb do you think we are?"

"Well, we hope that you're really dumb now, so that you'll join up, but then we hope that you suddenly get smart, so that you don't accidentally shoot your own teammates or drop a bomb on one of our own secret torture chambers."

"Dude, we're going to college--why would we want a job that pays shit and will probably kill us or at least ruin our mental health for life, when we could go to college and get a job at Starbucks and have like benefits, such as not getting killed?"

The man with the goatee thought real hard about this one. This wasn't in the manual. He had to improvise. Luckily, that was his specialty; this was why he was given this post in the first place. Philadelphia is tough. Not everybody can do this.

"Wanna just play around with some of our $13 million, taxpayer-funded video games? In this one over here, you can get drunk, rape teenage girls, shoot people for fun, and drive tanks around the city, crashing into schools and shit. Then you can just leave and do whatever. I saw some sexy high-school girls over at Cinnabon about an hour ago..."

"Cool."


For the rest of this article, please click here.

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