Almost Swimsuit Season!!!

As it is almost March, when I historically close-up shop Stateside and air-out my Mediterranean villa for the glorious summer season that keeps the ravages of time at bay.

Yes, the water is fairly cold in March, but I've always been a bit of a polar bear at heart (have you ever tried seal meat? It's at least fourteen times better than the cutest baby cow you've ever devoured) and besides, my doctor only advises I take the waters for ten minutes at a stretch, once every hour, to battle my rheumatism.

Anyway, I am in the process of shedding those pesky thirty pounds I pick up every winter from lounging fireside, draining casks of fine wine, feasting on the easily-overpowered animals roaming my vast estate--I recommend a crash diet of nothing but milk and honey and laxatives--and it is time once again to motivate myself by choosing the perfect bathing tunic.


What do you think of this little number? Is it too modest? Or is modesty 'in' this season, in light of all the poor people losing so much money the past few years?

Hmm, well, as long as they have it in size two and it costs at least $800, I'll buy a few of them and see what happens.

In the meantime, def forward any other ideas you might have, as I love to ridicule the suggestions of others.

Not at all yours,
GTC

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And the Hot Trend in Fashion This Season Is...

Oddly (or is it?) coinciding with Oscar season, the month-long back-slapping circus that is Fashion Season has officially begun.

It is Fashion Week in New York City, people.

And your favorite Authority on Everything, Goodtime Charlie, has front-row seats in Bryant Park. Who will he love? Who will he hate? The world wants to know; the world will never get to know, unless it first has sex with me.


Before those pesky Winter Olympics copycats made it passe, MBFW/NYC claimed its first casualty just as the first black-rhino-skin stilettos were poised for the opening runway strut, beneath a malnourished-but-still-very-fuckable-come-on-let's-give-her-a-break waif.

Yes, edgy British wunderkind Alexander McQueen is dead at 40, found hanging from a rope in his multi-million-dollar London apartment, Simon & Garfunkel's Richard Cory on repeat:



Fear not--the show went on as scheduled, folks.

Trendy tragedy aside, I must report that one thing has been made abundantly clear at Fashion Week:

Expensive clothes are totally "in" this season.

This unexpected development sent shockwaves across the globe, surprising attentive clothes-wearers from the halls of the New York Athletic Club to the chateaux of Gstaad. Their concerns mingled with cigar smoke in the rafters of five-star bistros the world over:

"How will we know which of these items to choose?"
"What shoes do I wear with these gowns?"
"How on Earth does one stylishly pair these exquisite separates?"

Fear not, my fellow fashionistas--as always, I have the answer:

Meet Toni Ferrara, who is just one of many fashion stylists available to you for an initially-exorbitant-seeming-but-then-totally-reasonable-when-you-think-about-it fee. How reasonable, you ask?

Check it:

Thank God there are such selfless souls out there willing to affordably perform these essential services. Can you imagine how dreary the dock denizens of Dubrovnik would look otherwise? I hesitate to even contemplate that garish scene...


On the other hand, if you are so stinking rich that you don't even know what numbers mean or that poor people exist, then you qualify for the services of Yours Truly and should contact me immediately so we can begin draining one of your off-shore trusts post-haste.

Trust me--it's worth it.

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For the Man Who Has Everything

What do you do with your corks? Throw them away? How provincial...

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Just Found Another Dream Job!

"Butt Make-Up Artist" for Victoria's Secret fashion shows

Thanks for opening my eyes, Huffington Post!

This year's Victoria's Secret fashion show brought together balloons, lace, fake fur, thigh-high boots...oh, and a $3 million dollar, diamond-encrusted bra. But how do the models manage to look so perfect wearing next to nothing on the catwalk?

Simple: Butt makeup.

One Angel, Selita Ebanks, told the New York Daily News: "It's all about creating the illusion of this amazing body on the runway. People don't realize that there are about 20 layers of makeup on my butt alone."

Ebanks said the body makeup takes an hour to apply, plus hair and face makeup, which takes three to five hours. An average of five people works on each of the 38 models.

Sounds great to me, regardless of pay rate/benefits, as long as they don't fart.

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Giorgio, you didn't!

This just in:

In July 2007, Giorgio Armani told Time Magazine that viewing PETA materials “convinced me not to use fur." However, according to PETA, Armani’s Fall 2008 collection included fur coats for babies, floral printed furs, fur-hemmed skirts and fur-trimmed jackets. The animal rights group has contacted celebrities such as Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and Glenn Close asking that they not wear Armani-designed clothes.

(courtesy wikipedia.org)

Floral-printed furs? Fur coats for babies? What sort of rich-get-richer-and-ever-more-obscene sort of world are we living in? Oh, yeah--this one:


When you can't count on vain, billionaire fashion designers ($5 billion, to be exact) to keep their word, on whom can you count?

Well, PETA, I guess...I mean, they did make two phone calls to help their cause...

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But whatever is a dandy to wear?

Embarrassed by your too-fancy hat in 'these economic times?'

As Michael Jackson would say, 'you are not alone.'

"...modesty has been a byword this recession, and baseball caps are no exception. Consumers are opting for Corollas over Cadillacs, Formica kitchen counters over granite and, it turns out, hats with traditional designs over garish ones."

(courtesy nytimes.com)

Sure, that makes total sense--the 10% decline in sales of garish hats must be because consumers "don't want to look too rich and fancy" in these Great Depressiony times. I mean, can you imagine the embarrassment if somebody realized you were wearing a brand-new $35 hat that was really ugly, rather than a brand-new $35 hat that was really plain?

My balls shrivel in fear of that day.

I wonder if anybody at New Era/NYTimes has considered the fact that the steep drop in sales might instead have something to do with people "buying less shit they don't need cuz they broke."

1 in 10 people in this country are fucking unemployed.

But, for the sake of argument, let's assume New York Times reporter Ken "Boring" Belson did his homework and the numbers don't lie--people are buying less-garish hats because they are poor.

Is this the first good news to come out of the financial crisis?

The hick in me is, for some reason, angered by this news. It almost makes him want to staple some hot-pink tassels onto a (traditional) Cubs hat and parade down the filthy, desolate sidewalks of Wall Street, preening himself in the smudged windowpanes of the once-mighty Goldman Sachs, making Indian battle cries, and waving a gun around.

There are, after all, some rights that are gloriously unalienable, you fucking terrorists.

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Photos from the Front: Ed Whoredy

Finally, trailer-park beavers and douchedudes across Glendale can drink their bathtub-brewed chardonnay the way fashion fuckwad Christian Audigier wants them to--by putting money in the pockets of his ugly pants.

Not enough Ed Hardy in your life?
Try this. And this. And this. And this. And this...

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Have No Fear!

In these uncertain times, in this cataclysmic perfect storm of greed and ignorance-fueled economic and environmental turmoil, it is easy to imagine what was once unimaginable.

Will things ever be the same again? Might up become down? Could Pakistan rule the world? Will '60s muscle cars never again growl down your street in a post-oil landscape? Are $5000 handbags going the way of the dodo? Has the shocking decline in luxury good sales affected legendary couturier Karl Lagerfeld?

"For Mr. Lagerfeld, cutting back his own spending at Chanel is not part of his 'new modesty' strategy. He said he is not being forced by the private company’s owners to bend or adapt because of financial constraints. 'We have no budget, we do what we want and throwing money out the window brings money back in through the front door,' he said. 'The bottom line is that I don’t deal with the bottom line. The luxury in my life is I never have to think about it.'

(courtesy NYTimes.com)

Thank God for small victories. "Barkeep! Another bottle of Chateau Lafite to celebrate the magnificent infallibility of the mega-rich and tasteless!"

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Can You Believe This Photo?

Legendary, Freaky Fashion Designer Valentino Garavani
(aka Valentino)

I sure can't!!!

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Can't Wait Til This Trend Hits the Lucrative U.S. 'Unselfconscious Fat Girl' Market

Although these photos are 'allegedly' digitally manipulated for Japanese porno magazines (soft-core, I assume), according to Snopes.com, you know it is only a matter of time before some Joe Francis / Forever 21 wannabe decides to actually create them.

Or will Bebe beat them to the punch?