Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Meals on Wheels


Apparently, there are men out there that are very interested in fucking obese women in wheelchairs, but they're not sure exactly how to go about it.

Although I am not a chubby-chaser (not that there's anything wrong with that) or some creep with a thing for crippled girls ("), I don't find either element of that sentence surprising.

Because people come in all flavors, right? It's a beautiful thing, right? And if you were into that sort of would you do it? I mean, how?

Enter a proud "Obese, Tattoo'd, Smut-Mouthed, Wheelchair-Bound Bitchy Artist" with some serious grammar issues to kindly tell these poor saps exactly what they should be doing with their tips.

Here's a taste:

Tip two; foreplay can turn into "forward out of the way" if the wheelchair is not off. When engaging in foreplay with your will chair bound mamma, set adjacent with open legs for us to park our love machine. This assists with the closeness between you and your partner and insures there will not be the always awkward "Fuck, you ran over my toe" dance.

Now remember, foreplay is a way of saying "hello" to one another's body before the big bang goes down. But, what do you do when your love mate can't physically participate at the level in which you play the game? You improvise. Never expect us non-ambulatory females to get down on our knees and undo your pants with our teeth. We need some assistance please. Playful kiss and roam our body. When you feel our hand slowly creeping up your thigh, mind you, this is not a form of teasing we just move slow, retract, raise a brow and look down. We know what you are asking. Bring it on out, we are ready to shake hands and make a new friend.

Tip three; hand jobs go nowhere when you have the grip of a granny. Let us watch.

Tip four; be ready to be one person performing the act of two people. We know when it's time to get down with the get down but we need help lying down.

[For the rest of the spiel, click on this and it will take you to the Village Voice website where I found it.]

I must say, while I admire both her ardor and her candor, this Bitchy Artist seems to be all over the place here.

For example: Since when do people who can't use their legs have "the grip of a granny?" Wouldn't they have the grip of a steel-drivin' man when they need to use their arms for everything all day long? Or has the advent of electric wheelchairs made handicapped peeps with huge upper bodies a thing of the past?

Or maybe she is referring to quadriplegics. But, wait...can quadriplegics even have sex? If you're paralyzed from the neck down, I'm pretty sure that includes your genitals.


Well, the good thing is that with all these frustrating unknowns floating around, there are two things we know for sure:
1. There is at least one cock-hungry, obese, wheelchair-bound woman with a weak grip out there who wants some male attention NOW--as long as you are willing to help her out.

2. There is some field-research to be done here in order to authenticate some of this advice, so it is high time you grab that gunny sack full 'o' ludes and head to your local V.A. during 'creepy visitor' hours, average reader. Trust me, it won't seem like a big deal once you're right in the heat of it all. Maybe.
Good luck out there in the trenches, folks--report back soon or I'll make you do it all over again!


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