Sunday, June 20, 2010

With All the Rain Lately, I'm Getting Worried About Teenagers This Summer...

Don't you hate it when you head home after a great summer night out with your hubby, only to find yourself covered in those annoyingly itchy teenager bites? Do swarms of teenagers prevent you from leaving your house to enjoy the fruits of your labors?

Well, your fucking troubles are over, man!

Simply purchase The Mosquito from Moving Sound Technologies for the low price of $1000 and those pesky teenagers will never again disrupt your picnic, outdoor concert, or garden party.

What is The Mosquito, you ask? Why, it is teenager repellent--to keep your lives teenager-free, of course!

The patented Mosquito is a small speaker that produces a high frequency sound much like the buzzing of the insect it’s named after.  This high frequency can be heard by young people 13 to 25 years old.

The latest version of the Mosquito is called the MK4 Multi-Age.  It has two different settings.  It can be used so that people of all ages will hear it.  When it is set to 17KHz to the Mosquito will disperse these groups.  When set to 8 KHz the Mosquito can only be heard by teenagers approximately 13 to 25 years of age.
(courtesy Moving Sound Technologies)
If you are worried that you may be damaging the ears of these youngsters, don't worry at all. Like many scientific advances throughout history (lead pipes, asbestos insulation, Agent Orange, etc), The Mosquito is totally legal and safe until proven catastrophically devastating after years of testing on unsuspecting humans.
The German Federal Institute for Occupational Safety and Health stated in a report on The Mosquito, entitled "Use of ultrasonic noise channels not entirely safe":
The auditors were not able to certify this device as completely safe. The risk to the target group of teenagers and young adults is relatively low. They can leave the area when they hear the sound. On the other hand small children and infants are especially at risk, due to lengthy exposure to the sound, because the adults themselves do not perceive the noise. Moreover, the ultrasound affects not only hearing. Disruption of the equilibrium senses, as well as other extra-aural effects are well known. With the sound levels that can be reached by the device, the onset of dizziness, headache, nausea and impairment is to be expected. This is not the limit of the total risks to safety and health.
(courtesy wikipedia)
Sounds perfect. Can't wait til they're on every street corner in the rich part of town, lining the parks and beaches of our fine cities, mounted on cop cars, and our children grow up partially deaf and unable to take two steps without falling down. But at least now the inventor's 17 year-old daughter can now go to the grocery store in Wales without getting harrassed by loitering youths.

Technology is wonderful!

[To verify your age and amaze your friends, please click here (and scroll to the bottom) to test which high-pitch frequency leaves you partially deaf. It really works! -Ed.]


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