I Predict You Will Read This

What with Nostradamus being not only ancient but also wrong most of the time--not to mention painfully vague--and that whole Mayan 2012 thing clearly not gonna happen (right? RIGHT?!), the world is sorely lacking fashionable prognosticators these days.

WTF, psychic soldiers? Are you all doing so well reading tarot cards to middle-aged divorcees in the soiled living rooms of your creepy little suburban houses with neon signs in the window that you don't give a shit about the big picture anymore? Are you that selfish? People need to know how everything (Earth, humanity, Breaking Bad) is gonna end!

Goodtime Charlie's 8th Grade Yearbook Photo (courtesy GTC Archives)

Enter Goodtime Charlie to selflessly fill the void and launch a million imitators (Prediction #1).


Prediction #2:
You will die someday and although it will suck for you and your loved ones, the vast majority of the people in your neighborhood won't even notice.


Prediction#3:
If there is a hell, John Mayer and Shia Lebeouf will be in it--which is reason enough to repent and be a good boy from here on out, if you ask me.


Prediction #4:
This man will continue to get beat up ("For no reason!") for the rest of his meager existence.


Prediction #5:
KFC's currently infamous, way-over-exposed-by-the-media, and disgustingly profitable Double-Down monstrosity will one day seem totally normal and may even be casually referred to by the populace as a 'sandwich.'


Prediction #6:
Drug addicts will soon comprise an overwhelming majority of the population, but it will not be as cool as you think because they will be using the wrong kind of drugs.


Prediction #7:
Despite the efforts of far too many losers, jorts will never become cool.


Prediction #8:
After he breaks up with Bar Rafaeli, Leonardo DiCaprio will for some reason date another devastatingly delectable supermodel and Bar--not missing a beat, cheeky bird--will immediately join me in the hot tub in my dreams.


Prediction #9:
The Republicans will win some elections and lose others, as will the Democrats; afterward, everything will remain pretty much the same.


Prediction #10:
It won't take long for the ballooning income disparity in America to result in a fully-formed, third-world, two-class nation and a bloody revolution that will ultimately fix nothing.



Well, there you have it, commoners without truly enlightened vision! Tune in next time I randomly make predictions while sitting on the toilet in the men's room at a highway rest stop, stance set to 'wide,' patiently waiting for some ass before I go home to my loving wife and kids for pasketti and meatbulbs night.

_