There's Never Been A Better Weekend to Spend Alone In Your Room

The public's irrepressible desire to go to the movies is keeping the Hollywood junk barge afloat, but for how long?

I mean, look at the shit that is out in the multiplexes this weekend.

The Jonas Brothers? All I have to say is that if they are hot, then not only are there way too many hot people walking around in this world, but I am a goddamn smoldering angel of sexiness.

Tyler Perry? Does anybody actually think he's funny? It's one thing to dress up like a woman and be funny (Monty Python); it's a whole other thing to just dress up like a woman. Do black people see his movies to support black cinema, or do they actually like them? Can't we get good black movies out there? Can we get the Wayans Bros, Martin Lawrence, Ice Cube, and Tyler Perry out of the business already? And why do we need black movies anyway? Isn't that segregation?

Slumdog? Can't we get a break from this? Please?

Streetfighter? Confessions of a Shopaholic? Paul Blart?

Kill me!

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Genetics Is A Crapshoot

I'm not sure what happened to the McQueen magic, but his grandson certainly didn't get it.

After much research, I finally found the one-night stand that resulted in this line of Steve McQueen's family. I can't say I wouldn't have been tempted myself, especially after going blind from a gulletful of home-brewed wodka.

Never before has it paid so well to look like Eddie Munster. In yet another show about teenage vampirism (is that three now? or four?), "McQueen will play Jeremy, Elena's outcast cute younger brother."

Oh, thanks for telling me he's cute--cuz I certainly didn't get that from the photo, but now I know I should yearn for him and put posters of him on my wall and memorize his hilarious personal details.

"Chadwick" doesn't start with an 'R!'

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Television Networks Don't Understand Why Sucking for Years Is Affecting Their Bottom Lines

The best shows on television right now are, in no particular order:

- Mad Men
- Flight of the Conchords
- Always Sunny in Philadelphia
- Top Chef
- Project Runway
- The Life and Times of Tim
- Entourage
- 30 Rock

Guess how many of those are on network TV? One--30 Rock--and it's the most uneven of all of them.

Network execs are quick to blame the economic downturn for declining ad revenue, but the bottom line is that it's hard for anybody to get behind a ninth incarnation of CSI or Law & Order. During tough times, advertisers aren't likely to spend their money on shows that viewers aren't obsessing over; it's like a weeding-out process.

Just because three million people watch the show doesn't mean it's a hit--shit, they probably just left the TV on while they went out to Burger King for dinner, or, more likely, are too old to figure out how to turn their TV off, so they just turned their hearing aids down. There is no buzz around network shows; nobody eagerly awaits the season premiere of My Name Is Earl to see what new hick joke the writers came up with in the off-season. There is more buzz around long-ago-canceled Arrested Development than any show on network TV, save perhaps American Idol.

Two and a Half Men? According to Jim? This is the best they can do? Even The Office stopped being funny several years ago and never was as funny as the original British version.

In fact, that makes for a good case study. To anybody who had never seen the British version, the first half-season of The Office--when they remade all the British episodes--was extremely funny. Then the show runners got a little lost. After a bit of a break to think long and hard about things, they came back strong with a funny Season Two. But then they fell victim to the biggest no-no--they had Jim and Pam get together! They even had Michael in a couple of long-term relationships! Rule #1 in a sitcom is to maintain the flirtation and chemistry, but avoid a relationship. Sam and Diane? Yes. Ross and Rachel? Ick.

Why do Hollywood TV producers insist on the romance these days? Are they really that uncreative? There is no surer way to kill comedy than to bring in a sappy romantic subplot. Movies make the same mistake, falling victim to the Spielberg complex. No character can simply save the world--he must also fall in love and win the fair lady's heart before the movie ends.

So, the bottom line is, unless network execs get their asses in gear, they will be the channels that play nothing but awful reality TV shows, game shows, and corporate news nobody watches. Cable will be the new networks--even the Mayor of Television agrees with me!

Fair warning, CBS/NBC/ABC/Fox--get under your desks and put your heads between your knees, cuz y'all know what happens to dinosaurs...

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The Worst Music Video Ever

It's Jamie Foxx's new joint--featuring Jake Gyllenhaal, Samuel L. Jackson (who never moves in it), Forrest Whitaker, and Ron Howard.

Enjoy.

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Meet Nick--He Walks Up Stairs On All Fours and Is Afraid of Ketchup Bottles and the Word 'People'

Before we begin, I have to do this as a precaution against poor Nick reading this:

PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE PERSON PERSON PERSON PEOPLE PERSON


Okay. Now, see how much of this you can get through. It's fascinating.


He is Nick, from North Dakota. He is 24 years old. He doesn't watch movies or read books and only enjoys the dulcet tones of video game music. He stays in his bedroom 21-23 hours a day. He has 80 pair of stained underwear in the corner of his room and air dries his body after a shower, rather than spend 15 minutes looking for a towel that is unstained.

He has many complicated fears, problems, and obsessions--those ongoing and those overcome. These include mirrors, stairs, blue water, and chairs.

You wanna talk about weird food obsessions? He used to spend over 30 minutes degreasing his McDonald's double cheeseburgers before eating them. But now he pretty much only eats frozen cheese pizzas and potato chips. And he has a garbage bag in his room for all the crushed cans of Minute Maid Light Lemonade he drinks (he crushes the cans with his hands).

How does Nick feel about alcohol? He refers to it as "poison."

"Even though I'm now of legal age, if I was asked this again, due to my motive being -870, primarily due to the numerous negative effects, I'd otherwise always refuse the offer and even $2500 isn't enough to counter it."

He often differentiates between reality and life inside his 'mind game.'

What exactly does he mean by 'mind game?'

What sort of 'really funny' things does he get up to in his mind game?


On to the speculation and questions:

Is Nick retarded?

Is he autistic?

Is he merely obsessive/compulsive with a huge fear of social interaction?

What are his parents like?

Why have they allowed him to be this way?

How can they afford to buy him so many frozen pizzas and bottles of Powerade?

How was he able to write this much about his life, considering he does almost nothing?

Why does he have to buy a purse when he goes to the store?

What is all that underwear stained with?

What is his sex life like?

Does he masturbate?

What does his porn look like?

Scrolling pages of the decimal places of pi?

Why is he so into spells, but doesn't mention Magic or Dungeons and Dragons or Lord of the Rings anywhere?

Who plays the board games he creates?

Has anybody bought his video game for $12.95?

How much does it suck?

Who does he think reads this bottomless website?

What does he think we think of it?

Does he really think we care how he used to 'cook' his ramen noodles and Hamburger Helper?


I could go on forever, but I won't. I have a hankering for a pizza and I don't know why...

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Say No More!

Well, Slap Me In the Cunt and Call Me Sally!

Looks like the market for stretch-mark-fetish pornography is bigger than I predicted.

Vivid Entertainment recently offered infamous octuplet-mom Nadya Suleman $1 million to appear in one of their videos.

Yuck.

Who wants to see that woman in a porno? Aren't pornos supposed to be pleasurable? Or is there some sick sort of 'hate-your-cock' fetish section I luckily am not aware of (til now)?

I mean, first of all, she's not an actress, and that shit's important.

Secondly, she is not attractive in the slightest--a man's penis might actually invert if its owner saw this woman naked (think of the lawsuits!).

Thirdly, there is not a cock in the land that wouldn't simply get lost inside that black hole between her legs.

How could Vivid possibly make a profit off this? I mean, $1 million to Octomom, $15 to the homeless guy they pay to fuck her (plus $5 for his pre-bang Viagra/Schnapps pick-me-up), $10 for a Betamax cassette, $9 for Mac and cheese for the whole crew of slave laborers...there's no way they'll make that money back!

Or will they?

I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Perhaps Vivid knows the appetites of men better than this sailor...

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Holy Toledo! I Guess Things Aren't That Bad After All!

For the rich.

The deceased fashion designer Yves Saint Laurent's art collection sold at auction for USD$249 million. Most pieces were sold at the highest estimate--some for twice what Christie's expected.

Hmmm...something tells me the private homes of all those executives whose companies are getting bailouts were doing some shopping yesterday! I bet all the Manhattan 'people who tell rich people where to hang overpriced paintings they buy' are licking their lips after this one!

My favorite part of the article is that Saint Laurent's boyfriend, Pierre Berge, couldn't part with a Picasso for only USD$26 million, so he kept it. I know most of the money is going to a charitable organization founded by Saint Laurent--minus the hefty commissions his boyfriend gets for each work sold--but come on! What a greedy asshole!

As if getting USD$32 million would have been that much of a difference? As if the people with AIDS and whomever else this charity helps would give a shit if they got USD$220 million, instead of USD$226 million?

"Oh, shit. I can't believe you sold that Picasso for such a low-ball price, Pierre--how are all of us going to afford diamond-encrusted home and away jerseys for our AIDS Foundation equestrian team?"

I mean, how much did he buy the painting for? $4 million in 1989?

FUCK YOU, Pierre Berge.

And fuck you, too, people who pay $40 million for a painting of some ugly flowers in an ugly vase sitting on an ugly rug!

I don't even care WHAT the current economic climate is--it's irrelevant. Have any of you no shame?

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Why Is This News?

"He likes long walks in the park, beer, baseball, touching people, and flaunting his authority."

"We need dialogue--but not about abortion or gay marriage or condoms or anything else we are proudly in the dark ages about."

“He is with Rome on the big issues and on the little ones, but he does not do it in a dictatorial fashion--except when he orders me to recant my position on ordaining female priests. "


Okay, so I paraphrase; but the bottom line is--why is this an article in the New York Times? Why do we need to know that some predatory cult organization has moved one of their leaders from Milwaukee to New York? Why do we care if he knows how to order a hot dog?

Why are there so many contradictions of character within the article itself? Is this a surreptitious anti-Catholic piece?

I sure hope so.

"BREAKER--BREAKER--In other pressing news, local Springfield PTA President Maureen Chevarsky loves ice cream, poodles, and hugging children..."

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How Exactly Is 'Death By Beheading' Not First-Degree Murder?

So a Muslim man living in upstate New York is served with divorce papers by his third wife, on grounds of domestic abuse (which was why his previous two wives divorced him).

A week later, he cuts off her head with a broadsword.

The man turns himself in and is arrested. We are told not to jump to conclusions, that this has nothing to do with honor killings in Muslim cultures, that we should feel sorry for him because he is in shock after what he did.

He is held without bail, on charges of second-degree murder.

I'm definitely not a lawyer, thank Satan, so perhaps there is a reasonable explanation for this ridiculous charge, but what the fuck does somebody have to do to get first-degree murder? Record a videotaped message of premeditation and then make sure to chop her up and eat her after the beheading?

I hope this guy gets chewed to death by rats in Sing-Sing.

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Did She or Didn't She?

After reading the comments at the bottom of this breaking story, there are three questions that jump out at me:

1. As a few people mentioned in their comments, whether she did it or not, shouldn't the accusation be rape? Why IS nobody calling it that? Was it really 'an affair?' And while we're on the question of semantics, is she really a 'young lady' (read: innocent, naive) at 29? The bottom line is that if this was a 29 year-old man and a 15 year-old girl, he would already be crucified across The Bean in Millenium Park, the word 'Rapist' carved into his chest, his mutilated dick fed to the mutant fish in Lake Michigan. Seriously--I've seen it happen...

2. Have you ever heard a family member, friend, or ancient female neighbor say, in a story like this: "Oh, yeah--he/she did it for sure. No doubt in my mind." It never seems to matter how creepy the suspect is, how much evidence is ultimately found in their house/serial-killer barn...nobody close to them ever suspects and always accuses the media and readers/watchers of said media of jumping the gun with their condemnation. But these close friends and family are dead wrong 99% of the time...so why does the media still think we care what they have to say? Gimme the facts, WGN, not hearsay from the most biased character witnesses in the world!

3. Again, assuming this shit actually happened, are things really that hard out there on the streets that this kid had to 'allow himself to be raped by' this 29 year-old troll? I mean, yeah, she provided him with booze, weed, and probably some experienced blow jobs, but still...really? Her? I think I'd rather use my hand until the day I die. And booze and weed aren't THAT hard to come by in Chicago...

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"Cuz I'm Afraid of WORMS, Roxanne! Worms!"

How badly do you want to lose that gut, Mr./Ms?
Feeling adventurous?

(courtesy of Harper's)

And here is a link to the original website FAQ page where the excerpt came from.
Enjoy!
And don't do anything I wouldn't do...

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My Favorite Drawing

From This Interesting (That It Exists) Website

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You've Come A Long Way, Baby!

The saddest thing to come across my desk for at least 24 hours:

"If we give the money to the widows, they will spend it unwisely because they are uneducated and they don’t know about budgeting. But if we find her a husband, there will be a person in charge of her and her children for the rest of their lives."

- Mazin al-Shihan, director of a city agency in Baghdad, on his plan to pay men to marry Iraqi war widows.

To read the rest of the frustrating NYTimes article, click here.

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For the Love

Is there anybody in the Pennsylvania legal system that is not a raging asshole criminal?

Between this bullshit and Blagojevich, Madoff, Robert Allen Stanford, AIG, Citibank, Alex Rodriguez, and the men of Wall Street, I just don't know how much more soul-destroying news I can take this year.

And it's only February.

Ready the coffin, my good man!

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Ha

Ha

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Will the Real Michael Phelps Story Please Stand Up?

We've all heard by now about Michael Phelps smoking weed. We've all heard the speculation about whether or not he would lose his endorsements, how Kellogg's ultimately dropped him as a sponsor, how USA Swimming suspended him for three worthless months, etc.

But who really gives a shit about that? I'm sure Michael Phelps doesn't even give a shit--he's already a multi-millionaire, he's hands-down the greatest swimmer in history, he's famous, and he could probably sweep the next Olympics if he feels like it.

I find it alarming that all the news outlets are missing the real story here, the fascinating story: who the hell took that picture of him kissing a bong?

Michael Phelps is a pretty dumb kid. I mean, he is hardly able to string a sentence together in every interview I've ever seen with him. He guffaws. He smiles blankly. He might as well be some sort of retarded swimming savant (probably is). But not even Michael Phelps is so dumb as to smoke weed in front of a bunch of strangers.

Which implies that whomever took that picture and then sold it was probably a friend of his, or a friend of a friend, who was probably one of four or five people in the room that night.

Why is this greedy chump not exposed? Who is hiding him? The honorable British tabloid that purchased the photo? Phelps? How much did the tabloid pay for the photo?

This seems a much more interesting story than whether or not a millionaire will lose a few future millions. Why is nobody covering this angle? And why is marijuana use so much more serious in the eyes of journalists than his underage DUI after the last Olympics?

Breaker: New Development in the Case -- Rogue Sheriff is on the loose.

Is it really possible to arrest somebody for drug use without actually catching the person doing it/holding it/buying it? Is South Carolina run by the Taliban?

So many questions, so few answers...

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The Latest on Alex Rodriguez

So funny. So unsurprising. So sad.

What is the better question?

1. I'll say it again--doesn't A-Rod have an agent/manager? Doesn't this person care enough about his own livelihood to feed this piece of meat some better lies?

2. How much will this whole scenario ever matter? Will baseball ever actually pull out the asterisks on these guys? Will they ever ban anybody? Will they ever actually search for the latest and greatest drugs in their players' bodies? Does anybody care?

(snore)

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If 'Slumdog' Wins Ten Oscars...Will Anyone Care?

The Oscars are on this evening and I don't even think I will watch them. I just don't see how anything good can come from it.

How sad is that?

Hugh Jackman will be gay as the wind (but closeted, with children), Kate Winslet will finally receive her Oscar for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind / Little Children, Slumdog Millionaire will win a bunch of awards, Heath Ledger's daughter will receive a statuette in trust, five excruciatingly shitty song and dance numbers will happen every now and then, and this fucking fat ugly asshole's failed attempts at humor will stun the global audience silent for 4 hours straight.

Spare me!

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Open Letter to the People of the World

Dear People of the World,

The problem with our financial system is not under or over-regulation, fickle consumer confidence, healthcare costs, or unions--it's the corporation.

Whenever an executive's personal finances are independent of the fiscal health of his company, he will gladly run it into the ground to serve his own interests. What greedy motherfucker wouldn't? What reason does somebody have not to do it, especially if everybody else is?

You have to remember that most grown men are just taller little boys--they want more and more toys, they want more and more respect, they want a pat on the head from mama, they don't care what they have to do to get it, they'll deny everything til you prove it, then they'll beg and bribe to get out of the punishment and keep the toys.

When AIG and friends went belly-up, their millionaire executives did not mind too much. As a direct result of their actions, their companies were billions of dollars in debt, but they were still drinking Crystal out of the assholes of Harvard-educated prostitutes in the back of their stretch Ferraris, dragracing each other between their opulent oceanfront estates, so who cares, right? Their money is untouchable because they are not personally responsible for the losses of the corporation they control.

THAT'S THE FUCKING BEAUTY OF IT, DUH!!!!!

Capitalism worked much better in the olden days, when the health of a man's wallet was directly proportional to the health of his business. The corporation is like a hacked ATM to unscrupulous businessmen playing the money game. How much of somebody else's money can you get out of it before it's empty and you move on to the next one?

It's sick.


All the Best,
Goodtime Charlie

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