Thanks, Dumb People

This is sending the wrong message. Trust me.

If you would just sit out these awful movies, maybe things will get better! Maybe Hollywood would decide to try anything--ANYTHING--to get you back! Maybe they would be forced to retreat to the shadowy domain of 1970s-style, auteur-controlled, character movies!

Be honest--who saw Pink Panther 2? Who? Jump off a cliff--you're ruining our chances! Now they will only make a third! And more Madea Goes To Jails and Paul Blarts! No! Noooooooo!!!

Where will the downward spiral end? A Brett Ratner remake of Weekend At Bernie's starring The Coreys and Burt Reynolds? Come on, people! Save yourselves from yourselves!

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There's Never Been A Better Weekend to Spend Alone In Your Room

The public's irrepressible desire to go to the movies is keeping the Hollywood junk barge afloat, but for how long?

I mean, look at the shit that is out in the multiplexes this weekend.

The Jonas Brothers? All I have to say is that if they are hot, then not only are there way too many hot people walking around in this world, but I am a goddamn smoldering angel of sexiness.

Tyler Perry? Does anybody actually think he's funny? It's one thing to dress up like a woman and be funny (Monty Python); it's a whole other thing to just dress up like a woman. Do black people see his movies to support black cinema, or do they actually like them? Can't we get good black movies out there? Can we get the Wayans Bros, Martin Lawrence, Ice Cube, and Tyler Perry out of the business already? And why do we need black movies anyway? Isn't that segregation?

Slumdog? Can't we get a break from this? Please?

Streetfighter? Confessions of a Shopaholic? Paul Blart?

Kill me!

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Well, Slap Me In the Cunt and Call Me Sally!

According to all comers, obese Hollywood shit-schlocker Kevin James' latest puerile turd, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, was a megaplex megadisappointment. And keep in mind expectations were not high to begin with.

As today's special treat--you're welcome--please read the most negative, sarcastic, and brief New York Times movie review I have ever read. It will make you smile. And everybody should smile more.

As soon as you're finished smiling, read this and drown yourself to death in tears for the fate of humanity.


[Confidential to Kevin James: One of my more avid readers informed me the other day that when asked whether they would rather have sex with Adrien Brody five minutes post-mortem or the dude from King of Queens, they all chose the fresh corpse of Adrien Brody. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.]

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Paul Blart: Dipshit

I can't believe this was written.
I can't believe this got made.
I can't believe this was released.
Wait. I can.
Thanks, America.