United States v. Muslims: By the Numbers

(courtesy The Atlantic)

Just goes to show you that, despite our wealth and military muscle, we are but a moon orbiting the Muslim planet, and we should remember that as we spend trillions of dollars and end tens of thousands of lives chasing down the smallest enemy fighting force we have ever faced.

So take a step back, warmongers, hide your misspelled vitriol for a moment, and start taking up a collection to bribe your Congressional representatives to get us the hell out of Afghanistan, Michael Moore-style:

Let's dig a few thousand wells in Afghanistan, build a few free mosques, leave behind some food and clothing, fix their electrical grid, issue an apology and set up a Facebook page so they can stay in touch with us -- and then let's get the hell out. Your own National Security Advisor and your CIA Director have told you there are less than 100 al Qaeda fighters in the entire country. 100???                           (courtesy HuffPo)

As long as our unemployed serf brethren pony up more than Raytheon, Northrop Grumman, Halliburton, and Xe Services (nee Blackwater) combined, it should be easy enough to transform the United States into a slightly more sensible world power.

_

Who Knew One Pistol Could Bring Our Mighty Army to Its Knees

Two old men had the following conversation in my head today and I felt like I should share:

"You've been in the bathroom awhile, man. Some shit went down."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. The other day a man walked into a crowded room with two handguns and opened fire. He somehow managed to kill 13 people and wound another 30 before being shot four times by a responding police officer who he also shot four times."

"Damn, what a gruesome story. Where did it happen? A school? A post office? The Republican National Headquarters?"

"Haha, yeah right--like anybody could get within 100 yards of that place with a gun... It happened at a military base in Texas crammed full of 50,000 soldiers, many of them trained for grueling warfare in Iraq and Afghanistan."

"Ni**a what?! That guy must have been some kinda bloodthirsty elite commando warrior gone rogue or something...wow...does Arnold have an alibi?"

"Whoa, whoa--settle down, it wasn't anything of the sort. The guy was a 39 year-old rotund military psychologist afraid of going to war."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"It's okay, baby--the police will be here any minute to save us."

Maybe one of the reasons we are having so much trouble in our endless war overseas is because a building full of trained soldiers can't disarm one man with a couple of pistols--they have to wait for a 5'4" female COP to drive over to the scene and throw herself in front of some bullets.

The soldiers even let this asshole RE-LOAD not once, not twice, but three times, for fuck sake, since he shot over 100 rounds of ammunition and the highest capacity clip for the FN 5.7 pistol he used (he never fired the .357 Magnum) is 30 rounds.

Note: There was an attempt in 2005 to make this pistol illegal, but it somehow failed...thanks, Bush.

Seriously, as tragic as it is that so many innocent people died, how the fuck is a lone psychiatrist able to get off that many rounds of ammunition in a room full of fucking battle-ready SOLDIERS?! Are they all named Buster Bluth or what?


I feel like if this happened in a high school locker room somewhere, some bone-headed-heart-of-gold football player would have clocked this guy and saved his classmates, even if he knew he might get shot to death in the process.

Not one soldier could fall on this grenade? Not one soldier had a gun to take him out? An entire platoon couldn't have bum-rushed him and taken him out with a few casualties?

How are all these 'soldiers' feeling now, knowing they are all going off to war surrounded by a bunch of selfish chickenshits? It must be rough knowing the guy next to you would rather duck behind a desk than attack a hostile enemy with his gun trained on his comrades.

Wait--are these soldiers even going to be allowed to go to war now? Or are they suffering from Pre-Traumatic-Stress Disorder and summarily relieved of active duty?

Doubtful--the army needs all the cannon fodder they can get these days, which is clearly the problem here...

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The Pentagon Works in Mysterious Ways

I remember hearing about this back when I was in short-pants, but it still struck me the second time around, so I will share:

In 2003, [The Battle of Algiers] again made the news after the Directorate for Special Operations and Low-Intensity Conflict at The Pentagon offered a screening of the film on August 27, regarding it as a useful illustration of the problems faced in Iraq. A flyer for the screening read:

"How to win a battle against terrorism and lose the war of ideas. Children shoot soldiers at point-blank range. Women plant bombs in cafes. Soon the entire Arab population builds to a mad fervor. Sound familiar? The French have a plan. It succeeds tactically, but fails strategically. To understand why, come to a rare showing of this film."

According to the Defense Department official (Directorate for Special Operations and Low-Intensity Conflict) in charge of the screening, "Showing the film offers historical insight into the conduct of French operations in Algeria, and was intended to prompt informative discussion of the challenges faced by the French."

The 2003 screening lent new currency to the film, coming only months after U.S. President George W. Bush's May 1, 2003 "Mission Accomplished" speech proclaiming the end of "major hostilities" in Iraq. Opponents of President Bush cited the Pentagon screening as proof of a growing concern within the Defense Department about the growth of an Iraqi insurgency belying Bush's triumphalism.

Huh. Oddly, I commend the honesty of the D.O.D. for acknowledging the quagmire that is Iraq, as well as for being concerned enough to consider playing a movie--all after being there for a little over a month.

And yet, it's hard to shake the fact that this should have already been common knowledge that prevented the war--if we're really baring our souls here, and I think we are--but...is showing a mere movie really the way to drill this point into the minds of the military might? I would have a propensity for wisdom, open ears, an open mind, and a good education. Then again, educated soldiers tend to avoid war...

Hey, but what do I know? Maybe it is. I mean, who are the soldiers?

Let's get to know them:

The soldiers are a lovable and sacrificial lot, dusted with sand, wise beyond their years, and cleverly sliced out of the lower and lower-middle classes. Whether they are like you or not, they are the real everyman. They are the guys who go to see Another Scary Movie, the guys who go to see Next Next Friday, the guys who watch King of Queens and laugh.

Huh. Maybe movies are a good way to subtly teach them something, you know--while they think they're just being entertained by clowns during a reprieve from the grind. Except that The Battle of Tangiers is in black and white with subtitles! DOH! wtf?


So nobody watched it. Nobody learned anything! Or is that what the Iraq Veterans Against the War are all about?

Whatever the case may be, one thing is certain:

I want my business card to reflect that I am employed by the Directorate for Special Operations and Low-Intensity Conflict.



*****

Bonus Round:

Do you like Statistics? I do! I do! Check this shit out:

Troops in Iraq - Total 130,000 U.S. troops as of August 31, 2009. All other nations have withdrawn their troops.

U.S. Troop Casualties - 4,345 US troops; 98% male. 91% non-officers; 82% active duty, 11% National Guard; 74% Caucasian, 9% African-American, 11% Latino. 19% killed by non-hostile causes. 54% of US casualties were under 25 years old. 72% were from the US Army.

Iraqi Physicians Before 2003 Invasion - 34,000

Iraqi Physicians Who Have Left Iraq Since 2005 Invasion - 12,000

Iraqi Physicians Murdered Since 2003 Invasion - 2,000

Average Daily Hours Iraqi Homes Have Electricity - 1 to 2 hours, per Ryan Crocker, U.S. Ambassador to Iraq (Per Los Angeles Times, July 27, 2007)

(statistics courtesy of usliberals.about.com)

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Sometimes when I'm really thirsty, I delightfully stumble upon a 7-11 and Gatorade that thirst to death.

Sometime life just works out that way, you know? Happy accidents.

Similarly, despite what those crazy leftists may believe, the U.S. military-industrial complex does not waste countless man-hours tending their various user-updatable wikipedia entries, in order to make war look temptingly awesome.

It's just a happy accident:

(to read more, click here)

I mean, could they make war look more like a totally sweet video game?
I'm in. America...fuck yeah!

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You've Come A Long Way, Baby!

The saddest thing to come across my desk for at least 24 hours:

"If we give the money to the widows, they will spend it unwisely because they are uneducated and they don’t know about budgeting. But if we find her a husband, there will be a person in charge of her and her children for the rest of their lives."

- Mazin al-Shihan, director of a city agency in Baghdad, on his plan to pay men to marry Iraqi war widows.

To read the rest of the frustrating NYTimes article, click here.

_

WOW...

I was trolling the web today, looking up fax numbers for various entertainment industry, for an obscure, boring, work-related reason, and stumbled upon this amazing picture/article:


Trust me--you NEED to follow this link:

http://freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/892257/posts


Boy...they really showed her, huh?!

It's funny to think that anyone could have been so confident the second Iraq 'War' was ever going well, much less many people--many irate, smug assholes. Hmm...maybe it makes more sense than I thought...

I mean, I remember the infamously expensive Mission Accomplished PR-stunt, but even then I don't think anybody could have said the war 'went well.' People died--lots of people (mostly brown ones, though). People lied--lots of people (but they had good reasons for it...top secret ones...). And there was no plan for reconstruction.

The funny thing is that the administration, especially Karl Rove, regrets their awesome banner more than anything. They don't regret the sentiment behind it, the misplaced bravado, the text of his speech,, the $1,000,000+ spent to stage an unnecessary jet landing photo-op, or the war itself.

Why not? Because dumb people don't listen to what the President actually says, or follow stories long enough to realize the administration is full of shit and constantly catches itself in its own web of lies--but they CAN read a simple sign and then scratch their heads when bodies keep piling up.

And that's the kind of shit that can lose an election...

If Iraq is Our Vietnam...

Then I look forward to a renaissance of '70s auteur cinema.

I'm happy to lead the charge--anybody have a couple million dollars laying around?
I promise I'll make a good movie!