Get a Room, Dawgs!

Can't wait to catch Sissyboy Slapfight Vol.2 once these bad-ass nigs are able to lick each other's wounds for a spell!

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Scratch THIS, A$$hole...

If you thought Balloon Boy's Dad was crazy before (like when he faked that his son was up in a balloon at 7000 ft. for hours in an attempt to get a reality TV show), wait til you check out his latest invention, which unfortunately involves a lot of shouting:



Am I the only one who realizes how smooth that thing looks--how could it possibly compete with the scratching monster that is bark?

Here's to hoping this stupid prick fails to make $36,000 off this and has to start selling vital organs to pay back the police department for part of their emergency rescue bills...


(Thanks, Videogum)
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Rivers Cuomo is Officially a Jackass

If the results of Rivers Cuomo's ill-fated decision to use an equation he distilled after studying the music of numerous successful songwriters to replicate infinite variations of the perfect pop song weren't bad enough--the Green album, Maladroit, Make Believe, the Red album, Raditude (really?)--trixie pixie sellout Cuomo just shot the moon with his latest aural turd, Hurley.

In case you were wondering, yes--the album IS named after the morbidly obese guy on Lost, yes--he IS featured on the cover, and yes--he DID sing a duet with Rivers onstage at some sort of asshole convention in Los Angeles.

I feel no need to ruminate on the wherefores of Rivers' decision, since I don't give a shit what stupid reason he had, but I do think it is important for everybody out there to realize, if they haven't already, that the man behind Pinkerton and the Blue album, two of the greatest rock albums of the last 20 years, has officially become an irredeemable, unapologetic jackass.

You have been warned.

Also, I feel the need to warn you of the following forthcoming turds from the Cuomo camp:

- Pinkerton, their best album and the last one worth a damn (recorded 14 years ago) is set for an unnecessary re-release (same music, but with new fan art! probably! OMG!).

- A third solo album--The Pinkerton Years--is also in the works.

Noticing a trend here, folks?

[Puke]

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Lower-Class Twit of the Year Competition Results Are In

The votes are in, folks, and the twittiest of the lower-class twits from across this gorgeous globe have been identified and ranked in a highly scientific process know as a "boondoggle."

Here are the results to share with your friends:


Gold Medal -

That is one disturbed belly-button/cat

 Silver Medal -

This guy's girlfriend must never let him take his shirt off at pool parties.

Oh, wait--he's never had one.

 Bronze Medal (with special commendation for supreme idiocy) -

Jolene must be so proud of her little skinhead

Kids at home, please take note--this is what you either should or should not do, depending on how you want your life to turn out. Good luck figuring that shit out!

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Elves are the Tallest of All the Nature Spirits

I'm sure you all already knew that, but if you didn't, please write that down, along with a hundred other bits of info about elves (as seen in Lord of the Rings):



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I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Chicken-Flavored Ice Cream!

They have couture clothing boutiques. They have million-dollar, custom-made jewelry. They have their own airline, day spas, and luxury hotels.

And now, thanks to that Boomerang Pets Party in London, dogs will soon have their first-ever ice cream truck.

Seriously. Foodies take note--the dogs will be eating something way more interesting than ChocoTacos--have you ever heard of gammon sorbet? You'll probably be eating it from a hipster gourmet food truck if the dogs approve.

To the Interweb!

The two flavors that are to be served from the ice cream truck are ‘dog eat hog world’ – gammon and chicken sorbet topped with a doggy biscuit and wrapped in a cone – and ‘canine cookie crunch’ – an assortment of various dog biscuits and ice cream flavors.  The group claims that a team of scientists conducted research to achieve the perfect recipe of ice cream for dogs through investigating the optimal balance of temperature, texture, and taste.

(courtesy PSFK.com)

OMG! Isn't that the cutest thing ever?!!!

I know the proceeds go to a charitable cause (Berkshire Search and Rescue Dogs), but still--THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR!

People are starving and dogs are eating ice cream and getting pedicures? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, Veronica.

What's next? Are dogs going to start living in beachfront mansions with a fleet of servants and millions in the bank for a rainy day? Oh wait, that already happened...

Thank you, doglovers of the world, for totally ruining my buzz after reading this.


[photos courtesy DailyMail]

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...and the Idiot of the Day Award goes to...

Rajkumar Karotia, of India, who narrowly beat out Sarah Palin and every resident of Texas in the voting this morning.

Pankaj Kishore Karotia, a 21-year-old Indian groom, was shot and killed by his uncle at his own wedding celebration, after a "revelry shot" went horribly wrong.

Karotia's bride had been waiting for him in the car as the wedding party drew to a close in Noida, India. His uncle, Rajkumar Karotia, drew a licensed pistol to shoot a celebratory shot in the air. As the pistol was loaded, a shot accidentally went out, hitting the groom in the head.

"He was eager and excited about the wedding and was attempting to fire in the air to mark the end of the wedding," said the groom's father, Kishore Karotia. "The bullet hit my son on his head."

The groom was taken to hospital but soon died. His uncle has been arrested for culpable murder.

(courtesy Huffington Post)

Rajkumar has the enviable choice of not one but two major awards--life in prison among the rats, rapists, and excrement, or a self-inflicted bullet to his own head as he awaits a speedy trial.

What will he choose? Well, with all the excitement swirling around old Rajkumar today, it's hard to tell which way he's leaning, but once things settle down we should know one way or the other.

I'll keep you posted--it's what I do...

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What Has Science Been Doing?

If we have just discovered this?

Not for the first time, I wish I had a time machine, so I could warn my ancestors and re-live my entire life up to my knees in the accumulated product of lifetimes-worth of individually-expelled nostrils. Wait...

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You Look Hungry---Have Some Pajamas!

One day, months ago, when a friend chained me down and held my eyelids open, I saw something on the Oprah Winfrey Show that blew my mind. I swore I would write about it then, but I must have forgotten, so here it is now.

First off, for those of you that are unfamiliar, the Oprah Winfrey Show is a popular television show among women. The host, Oprah, is an awe-inspiringly vain, overweight, empowered woman whose softball interviewing tactics are beloved by PR reps across the nation. Viewers love it when she loses weight and gains it back, or when she unleashes the occasional "you go, girl!"

Anyway, this particular episode showcased the efforts of a handful of people who found, late in life, that charity was their calling, and abandoned their white-collar jobs or mommy duties to work full-time for their charitable causes.

One of the them was a guy who collected books and brought them to elementary schools in Nepal, so the children could have books to read and learn English. He then expanded the program to include children's books written in their native language.

Another--we'll call her Miss Stupidhead--started an organization that donated pajamas to poor children. It is called the Pajama Program.

"Please give me some pajamas..."

Now, keep in mind that these are not pajamas that were lying around somebody's house unused and then shipped in. These are, in a few cases, new pajamas that people purchased and donated; but in most cases, these were pajamas this woman purchased with money people donated.

Imagine this scenario:

"Hello, Miss Stupidhead, I'm pretty damn rich and I've started to feel guilty about it, so I'd like to give something back. A friend at my country club told me you run a charity that benefits underprivileged children and I would like to donate $500,000 to your cause."
"Oh, that's super! I can buy 50,000 pajamas with all that money! Think of how happy those children will be!"
"Umm...pajamas? I'd rather you spent it on food, medicine, education, clothes they can actually wear to school..."
"No--trust me. If there's one thing I learned growing up white and privileged, it's that the one thing poor children need above everything else is pajamas."
"Okay, you're the expert..."

As is her wont, Oprah surprised this woman, on-air, with thousands of pairs of pajamas purchased with funds donated from her viewers.

Again...donated cash turned into pajamas.

Why?

Why!!!