Saturday, July 31, 2010

"Perverts Wanna See New Girls," Thus Celebrity Pseudo-Innocence Must Be Lost on Camera

First of all, the steroids.
Second of all, the jewelry.
Third of all, Brian Pumper?

Fourth of all, how bored is that "first-time" "bitch," who may or may not "cream," who also happens to be Laurence Fishbourne's ugly and stupid 18-year-old daughter?
Fifth of all, how come she doesn't know how to become a bad-yet-working actor when even a Baldwin can do it?
Sixth of all, why does she equate a sex tape with a hardcore porn movie?
Seventh of all, why is Kim Kardashian her role model?
Eighth of all, how many pennies will it take to bang this lost soul senseless in six weeks?
Ninth of all, make sure you watch the whole (interview) video and none of the other (porn) video.
Tenth of all, vomit.


Time for a Re-Post

Ladies and gentlemen, it is nigh. And when I say 'it,' I mean THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY.

For those of you living in Bumblefuck eating sandwiches made from the cheese between your toes, this wedding is between Chelsea Clinton and some guy who is not important right now and never will be.

Who is he? Who cares. All I know is that I am full of woe because he is not the guy who offered 40 goats and 20 cows for her hand.

Now, for those of you not familiar with the current woman-to-animal exchange rates, let me tell you this--those terms are very favorable, especially in this difficult economic climate. Ma and Pa Clinton would be wise to reconsider this generous offer on the eve of their daughter's wedding to some nameless loser, unless of course that guy's parents are providing an even more lucrative dowry.

But we all know they aren't. Instead, a portion of Bill's speaking gigs and book royalties are providing a $3 million wedding for some toothy girl who has done nothing to deserve such luxury. She was in college before her parents ever had that much money and now they are dropping it on her wedding.

WTF, America? This is why we will wind up killing each other during the apocalypse.

Well, whatever--the important thing is that nobody on the East Coast can fly or drive for an entire weekend and some fourth-cousin will make millions of dollars selling poorly-composed photographs to the tabloids on Monday.


And now, for completists, a trip down memory lane.


Thursday, July 29, 2010

And Now For Some Catherine Deneuve

Perfect fodder for your afternoon reverie, ladies and gentlemen.
You're welcome.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I Could Probably Watch This Forever

Totally setting back the cause of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance by several weeks, according to official Goodtime Charlie statistical analysts.

Thanks, Dad...


Pretty Sure I Made This Movie in High School

But it was nowhere near as funny and involved about 100% less Africans.

Turn your speakers down a bit and prepare to be thoroughly amused by Uganda's most fantasticalistic cinematic export ever:


Everybody's a Critic

Pigeons are assholes, granted, but nonetheless I happen to love it when their taste aligns with mine:
The popular and Grammy award-winning band Kings of Leon were forced to end a concert in St. Louis last night after playing just three songs because a pigeon pooped into bassist Jared Followill's mouth.
(courtesy HuffPo)
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! That'll teach you to put your boring songs on the radio 500 times a day! Even the pigeons got tired of that shit...


Snoop Dogg Hits a New Low

I don't know anything about poptart Katy Perry except that she is married to an unfunny comedian (Russell Brand), purchased her breasts, looks like a trashier version of Zooey Deschanel (which I didn't think was possible), and really likes the fact that she once kissed a girl.

After watching her latest video, however, which a friend recommended due to its supreme awfulness--it did not disappoint--I am mystified both as to why she is a success and, more importantly, why Snoop Dogg would want to be associated with her in such a public capacity.

Why? Well, because Snoop Dogg used to be cool. His wacky aesthetic, chronic misoginism, and stoner thuggery used to blend perfectly with his clever lyrics, Dr. Dre's beats, his ungainly frame, and the playfulness inherent in anything 'West Coast.'

But ever since he stopped smoking pot--or at least stopped owning up to it--his goofy style has suddenly become the worst thing about him and his every decision (save his generous support for PeeWee football in CA) has been atrociously uncool, if ultimately profitable for Snoop Dogg, Inc.

Every boy from Long Beach's dream come true

This should have been a much tougher Photoshop job--because Snoop
should never have been that close to Martha Stewart in real life.

Even that little girl can't believe Snoop is on Ellen.
And the worst part is that I bet he danced with her. Shudder...

The long and the short of it is that Snoop can do what he wants, but he should realize that he's now an irrelevant, fame-addicted, greedy asshole in the same league as Josh Groban, Nicholas Cage, the Coldplay dude, Garth Brooks, and everybody else he and his buddies probably used to make fun of when they were younger and cooler.


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Importance of Being Ernest

More proof that old men with beards have way more fun than you--photos from the Hemingway Lookalike Contest in Florida:

Not sure what the payout is, aside from a sexy little bust, but for my fans who may fit the bill, feel free to check out the official festival info here and gear up to participate in next year's lookalike contest--or the running of the bulls, marlin-fishing tournament ($25K top prize), arm-wrestling competition, or short-story competition.


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Louisiana Has the Easiest Choice This November

In the land of Huey Long and All the King's Men, all the voters have to do this November is read Wikipedia entries on their Senatorial candidates or cruise any news source other than Faux News and the Limbaugh/Beck Propaganda Hour, and the decision should practically be made for them.

Check it out, after the jump...

The Lords of ComicCon

You thought you were the coolest nerds in the universe, eh? You thought you had the most nerdstyle?

Well, check this shit out and recognize, fool:

What a coat!


Breaking: Tom Cruise Is a Total Liar

Cameron Diaz is 5'9". Tom Cruise is 5'7". Cameron Diaz is wearing 4-5" heels.

And Tom Cruise is wearing 6" heels. You do the math:

Notice how wide his boots are at the ankle? No 5'7" man has ankles that big--that extra room is because his heel is 5" higher than where it should be atop those 1" boot-heels, and his foot needs to slide down as far forward in the toe as possible to make this whole charade look legit.

I wonder who makes these special shoes for him. I wonder how much Tom pays him/her to never utter a word about their arrangement. I wonder what else Tom is hiding...maybe a big ole blue streak of gayness?

I guess anything is possible--hell, he figured out how to be as tall as Cameron Diaz in heels, right?

[Hat-tip to HuffPo for the juicy gossip]


Hypocrisy, By the Numbers

All life, even that of unwanted, unborn babies the size of pencil erasers, is important. It is the most important thing in the world. How important?

Way more important than dealing with all the starving/malnutritioned, poorly-educated children all over the country who were born into a life of poverty, crime, and neglect.

So important that right-wing asshole ideologues will kill medical personnel to make sure there isn't any killing going on.
Since 1977, there have been eight confirmed murders of abortion providers or other clinic staff, 41 bombings, 175 arsons and 96 attempted bombings or arsons, according to the National Abortion Federation.
(courtesy HuffPo)
Breaking the law to interfere with legally-sanctioned activities and ignoring all the most important tenets of every major religion, all in the name of hypocrisy. Thanks, Red America.


Is This What Love Is Like?

Cuz I think I'm in love. Or something like it. Is it...lust? Or hunger? If not, I'm out of ideas...

Anyway, I highly recommend you check out this website and see what I'm talking about:
E-mails from an asshole
Whether or not the listed ads and the resulting email threads are made out of whole cloth, they bring me so much joy I don't care.

I liked them all, but my favorite one is re-posted below, after the jump. Enjoy!

Pinocchio P.R.

Transocean spokesman Lou Colasuonno at today's press conference in Monaco
"As part of Transocean's unwavering commitment to safety and rigorous maintenance discipline on all our rigs, we proactively commissioned the safety survey and the rig assessment review," Transocean spokesman Lou Colasuonno said in an e-mail early Thursday. "A fair reading of those detailed third-party reviews indicates clearly that while certain areas could be enhanced, overall rig maintenance met or exceeded regulatory and industry standards and the Deepwater Horizon's safety management was strong and a culture of safety was robust on board the rig."
(courtesy HuffPo)
Wow, sounds like this guy totally went to P.R.M.B.A. school. He should be so proud of his well-crafted bullshit--look at all those three-dollar buzz words and phrases!
"a fair reading"
"culture of safety"
Hahahahahahahahaha...yeah right, asshole--tell it to the judge.


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Okay, So...These Guys Are Fucked

Something tells me oil doesn't wash out of your stomach very easily, so something (Jeebus?) also tells me these two firemen are sacrificing their lives to try to stop an oil spill caused by the explosion of a pipeline in China.

I'm sure the massive trillion-dollar company in charge of the pipeline greatly appreciates their efforts and will reward their bereaved families with $100 of free gas at the very least and $150 at the very most. The environment thanks them for their heroic efforts, but that has never been a very tangible reward and has certainly never put food in anybody's bellies or cured their cancer.

The pipeline blaze:


Also whoa:
"We don't have proper oil cleanup materials, so our workers are wearing rubber gloves and using chopsticks," an official with the Jinshitan Golden Beach Administration Committee told the Beijing Youth Daily newspaper in apparent exasperation. "This kind of inefficiency means the oil will keep coming to shore. ... This stretch of oil is really difficult to clean up in the short term."
(courtesy HuffPo)
Oh, it's difficult to clean up an oil spill with chopsticks? No shit, asshole. Maybe you and everybody else in town should have thought about that before you let Asia's largest oil company run a pipeline into your bay.

Has there ever been a pipeline that did not leak at some point?

Also, aren't all of the world's plastic shovels and buckets and pasta strainers made in China? Do they really need to resort to chopsticks, or is there some sort of perverted national pride going on here?

[Photos courtesy AP]


I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Chicken-Flavored Ice Cream!

They have couture clothing boutiques. They have million-dollar, custom-made jewelry. They have their own airline, day spas, and luxury hotels.

And now, thanks to that Boomerang Pets Party in London, dogs will soon have their first-ever ice cream truck.

Seriously. Foodies take note--the dogs will be eating something way more interesting than ChocoTacos--have you ever heard of gammon sorbet? You'll probably be eating it from a hipster gourmet food truck if the dogs approve.

To the Interweb!
The two flavors that are to be served from the ice cream truck are ‘dog eat hog world’ – gammon and chicken sorbet topped with a doggy biscuit and wrapped in a cone – and ‘canine cookie crunch’ – an assortment of various dog biscuits and ice cream flavors.  The group claims that a team of scientists conducted research to achieve the perfect recipe of ice cream for dogs through investigating the optimal balance of temperature, texture, and taste.
OMG! Isn't that the cutest thing ever?!!!

I know the proceeds go to a charitable cause (Berkshire Search and Rescue Dogs), but still--THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR!

People are starving and dogs are eating ice cream and getting pedicures? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, Veronica.

What's next? Are dogs going to start living in beachfront mansions with a fleet of servants and millions in the bank for a rainy day? Oh wait, that already happened...

Thank you, doglovers of the world, for totally ruining my buzz after reading this.

[photos courtesy DailyMail]


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Is that a monkey in your girdle or are you just glad to see me?

A man was recently stopped by authorities in the Mexico City airport and discovered to have 18 tiny endangered monkeys in his girdle, two of them dead, all of them wrapped up in small sacks.

According to Huffington Post, when authorities asked the man what the fuck was going on, he told them "he was carrying the monkeys in a suitcase but decided to put them in his girdle 'so the X-rays wouldn't hurt them.'"

The Mirdle

First off, why does this man wear a girdle, if not for the sole purpose of smuggling monkeys? I have never met a man--especially from the Latin world--with a bulging belly that didn't seem proud of it, who didn't allow its burgeoning girth to stop them from pounding beers by the dozen and lounging on hammocks in the backyard while casually explaining to the TV how athletes could do what they are doing much better.

Monday, July 19, 2010

You Got to See the Special Man!

For those of y'all out there that love them some old-timey television commercials, here is one of New Orleans' finest:

[Note: It gets really good at 0:24 -Ed.]


Are You Team Cain or Team Abel?

Will Smith, have you no shame?

Deadline New York has some totally tubular news for all those sexually-frustrated Twihard Christians out there that have been waiting their entire lives for a more relatable version of the story of Cain and Abel (read: with vampires):
EXCLUSIVE: Will Smith has attached himself to star in and produce The Legend Of Cain, an epic re-telling of the Biblical sibling tale, this time with a vampiric twist. Smith will play Cain, the original Bad Boy, and he will produce with Overbrook Entertainment partners Jada Pinkett Smith (his wife), James Lassiter, and Ken Stovitz. The script was written by Caleeb Pinkett and Dan Knauf, with Andrea Berloff revising. No studio or director yet for the Overbrook project.
Hmmmm...time to develop some CGI ab software so Mr. Scientologist doesn't disappoint the built-in audience for this historic adaptation of the Book of Vampires and I can become an overnight millionaire with my finger in the Biblical pie.

Any talented (and preferably sexy) programmers out there willing to work for Snausages?


Survival Tips for the Urban Jungle: Vol.1


Holy Hot Pants, Batman!

Arguably the best thing Luis Guzman has done since Boogie Nights. Bravissimo!


Friday, July 16, 2010

You Know She's Thinking About It

Osama bin Laden's newly-single son, Omar, wants to come to Hollywood and date Drew Barrymore.

While I find that an odd choice, since I don't find her remotely attractive or interesting, maybe it is an intelligent choice for a guy whose choices, let's be honest, are limited.

Could Omar bin Laden land Jessica Alba? Not a chance. Jessica Biel? No way. Jessica Simpson? Maybe--as long as he learns how to throw a football.

In fact, Drew Barrymore is such an attainable choice, relatively speaking, that I respect his calculating move, appropriately announced to the world with the sort of flowery shit chicks really dig:
"I want to go to America, and I would love to meet Drew Barrymore," said Omar, 29, who recently split from wife Zaina, 25 years his senior. "I am single now and she is the most beautiful woman in Hollywood."
(courtesy Huffington Post)
 Omar and his previous slave, Zaina

It probably doesn't hurt that Ms. Barrymore is one of the wealthiest women in Hollywood, due to her inherited Barrymore family money, the lifelong Barrymore family access to the movie biz, and her shrewd ability to use that money and access to start her own production company.

I mean, it's not like Omar is getting any of his father's money these days as from what I hear it's almost all tied up in military operations and cave speculation.

Omar has always has trouble figuring out who he is

If things don't work out with Barrymore, however, fear not--sexy Omar has at least one more peach on the tree, as it were:
Speaking from a Doha, Qatar hotel in an interview with the Sun, [Omar] also professes an admiration for Jim Carrey, American football, rock music and Madonna. "She's such a great dancer for a woman of her age," he says of the Material Girl, 51. 
Madonna would be so thrilled to hear that qualification on her dancing abilities. Trust me. She's pretty much in the bag, quaffing a pint of Metamucil on the grounds of her British estate, waiting to hear what happens with Drew...

Whaddya think, Drew? Nice pecs/goatee?


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Your F***ing Troubles Are Over, Man!

As seen in Brentwood Magazine--the magazine for the discerning Angeleno:

Finally, something for the girl who thought she had it all. Available in peach, brown, and black. Please ignore the fact that this highly-specialized comfort device was designed to look exactly like a truncated penis--it's just a coincidence.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Breast Milk Is So Hot Right Now

Available for purchase at only the finest internet bullshit outlets. Like this one.


Some Things Are Too Important to Ignore

Serpentine--the rock that seduced a state, who then betrayed it in front of everybody 

In an age where lawmakers across the globe have heaping plates of important legislation to deal with, unsustainable debts, and record unemployment, it is nice to know the industrious folks in Sacramento are doing their best to make time for less sexy, if still extremely important issues that might otherwise get swept under the rug.

From the New York Times:

California May Drop Its Official State Rock

The lawmaker and others who would like to see serpentine stripped of its title say the olive green rock found all over the state is a grim symbol of the deadly cancers associated with asbestos, which can be found in the rock. Geologists, who have taken to Twitter on behalf of the rock, assert that serpentine is harmless and is being demonized by advocates for people with asbestos-related diseases and possibly their trial lawyers, too.

The bill to defrock the rock — which recently passed the full State Senate and is awaiting a vote in the Assembly — is sponsored by Senator Gloria Romero, a Los Angeles Democrat, with the strong support of the Asbestos Disease Awareness Organization.

Declaring that serpentine “has known health effects,” the bill would leave California — one of roughly half the states in the nation with an official rock or mineral — without an official rock. (According to the bill, California was the first state, in 1965, to name an official rock.)
OMG! Say it ain't so, Californ-I-A! No official state rock? Why, that would change...absolutely nothing about the lives of every single Californian!

Please write your Representative today, call his or her office, post on their Facebook wall, send nude photos of yourself eating a hot dog atop a pony every single day until this offensive bill is stuffed into the shredder in the accounting department, because if there is one thing you deserve, California, it is an officially-designated state rock.

Get yours!


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Missed Connection

Last night, somewhere in the Marigny, New Orleans - m4w - 41

Me: Man, nevernude shorts, Daffy Duck applique t-shirt w/bird-shit stain, snoring in the gutter as I dreamed about slaying dragons with my mind

You: Legs, girl, laughed when a horse peed a river that roused me from my slumber and ruined my favorite outfit

Fancy letting me perform oral sex on you for a few hours in your air-conditioned house on the whiter side of town? I promise I won't try anything else--I'm just looking to cool off for awhile and I don't have any money and you seem like a nice girl who could use a little attention, keeps herself clean.

If interested, I'll be riding on the shoulders of Jean Baptiste La Moyne in the French Quarter, warbling my favorite Christmas carols all night long as I work my way through three bottles of Mad Dog I stole from CVS this morning while the cashier tied her shoe. Swing by to pick me up and we can go from there, lovergirl.


The Three-Fingered Woman

When I was a little(r) boy, I only had three nightmares that I can remember, but they were all recurring and fierce.

One was that I was suspended in the corner of my bedroom, up near the ceiling, inexplicably moving outward as if attached to a rocket bound for outer space. I would wake up in a sweat, repeating the words "It's so far away!" until my mom got me to stop by knocking me unconscious with a miniature baseball bat stored on my bedside table for that precise purpose.

Another was that I would be forced to play Monopoly every second for the rest of my life, which just sounds like the worst thing ever. Should we use this on terrorists, or is it worse than waterboarding? Somebody read this for me and let me know--I need to go feed my gerbils.

Anyway, the third nightmare involved a three-fingered woman. This woman didn't really do anything other than exist, but that was enough for me. Something about an elderly woman missing two fingers was enough to make me scream in my bed "The three-fingered woman!" until my mom pulled out that bat again.

I have no real explanation for the first two, but the genesis of this last, rather odd nightmare was the movie Cloak and Dagger (1984), which is about a boy, Davey (E.T.'s adorable Henry Thomas), who spends a lot of time playing video games and living in a fantasy world of spies and high-stakes intrigue, accompanied by his cavalier imaginary hero, Jack Flack (Dabney Coleman). He lives in a fantasy world because his mom is dead and his father (Dabney Coleman) is a pilot who is never around. One day, a dying man gives Davey a Cloak and Dagger video game cartridge and he suddenly finds himself the target of real-life spies with real guns.

The plot, in pictures (thanks, Internet!):

Davey plays with action figures in his room, alone as usual

 "What's this? Why did a dying man give me this game?" -Davey

 "When I beat all the levels, cuz I'm a nerd, I find secret military documents." -Nerd

Dads never understand children

"Your Dad doesn't believe you, but I do--we gotta save the world!" -Jack Flack

"Wait--I AM your Dad and I just saved the world! He has been your hero all along."

At some point in the middle there, Davey is warned to be on the lookout for a spy who is missing two fingers. When he gets to the Alamo (what is it about the Alamo that made it so popular in the Eighties?) for a hand-off, things don't exactly go as planned and the three-fingered woman rears her ugly...hand...

That isn't exactly as I remember it--I thought the ole bag wore a tailor-made three-fingered black leather glove--but, regardless, you can see why this would scare a little boy every time he saw it (I watched the movie multiple times, against the wishes of my mother I'm sure).

I guess when you live in fear of something for as long as I did, your mind tends to get a bit creative with the details. Anyway, I'm proud to say I haven't had this nightmare in many days and I am damn proud of myself.



Monday, July 12, 2010

Please Buy This For Me

I want to totally transform the guest bathroom in my summer cottage with this 6'x9' Baldwin Boys portrait:

It only costs $50, so, you know...maybe you could just not buy your baby formula this week and save up for it. It'll totally pay for itself when you come visit and pee and look at it and go..."Haha! Like, oh my God--I just got like $50-worth of entertainment!"

Pretty please with spaghetti on top?


Saturday, July 10, 2010

Movies for Men with Taste

For those of you unfortunate souls who have yet to bask in the hilarious dark wit of Todd Solondz's Happiness (an all-time GTC fave, let the record state), I suggest you do so immediately.

No excuses--if you are at still at work, leave. These are the inspired moments that led our forefathers to create the sick day, after all, and any asshole boss would complain about his worst employee taking a few measly sick hours deserves to be an ex-boss anyway.

After you have laughed, cried, been grossed out and offended, and then laughed some more, check out the trailer for Toddybaby's new movie, Life During Wartime, which is sort-of a loosey-goosey sequel to Happiness, albeit employing different actors, after the jump.

Greenscreen Kids

Not feeling at the top of your game? One minute of this video will make your day:

And, after the jump,  Dessert:


The less-glamorous City of Sin, thousands of miles from the better one and known as Atlantic City, has been on my mind a fair amount lately. I recently saw Louis Malle's Atlantic City and will never look at lemons OR Susan Sarandon the same ever again. Not long after watching that movie, I almost got a freelance job working at a hotel in Atlantic City for a couple weeks and I am still pretty disappointed that didn't come through.

Now, there is a Marty Scorsese-directed HBO pilot for a new show about Atlantic City in the 1920s, when it was cool, written by Soprano's alum Terence Winter, starring Steve Buscemi, Michael Pitt, and Michael Shannon.

I might have to break down and get cable so I can fully immerse myself in Atlantic City at its peak (and catch up on Treme, climb aboard the Mad Men train...) .

The trailer for Boardwalk Empire, after the jump:

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Beware the Conservative Constrictor

My first reaction to the news that the Governor of Louisiana has just signed into law legislation that makes it legal for permit holders to carry concealed weapons in houses of worship was laughter. 

Finally, some crazy legislation that I can get behind!

Maybe if laws like these make church even scarier for those people on the religious fence, less of them will go there to waste their time and money getting brainwashed by creeps.

On top of that, why not segregate the armed fanatics and let them kill each other over some minor difference in the interpretation of the Bible as it may--or may not--relate to the local sports team.

Give that fly-on-the-wall Christ-on-his-Cross some goddamned entertainment, I say.

And then my second realization struck me--this is simply one more in a long series of backwards Conservative victories of late--legalized racism, leniency for the banks, revolts over better health care, corporate-sponsored elections--and it seems like it is happening all too easily.

Like they've practiced it. Like they're well-practiced at it.

After all, we are in a fairly catastrophic economic depression right now--that they caused, of course--and yet they are successfully using it as ammunition against the Liberals and the forces of good.

The total lack of logic here is startling only until you think about how easily controlled people are by the forces of evil. I mean, look how powerful the Church is, despite the fact there is not one bit of logic associated with it (faith being allergic to logic, of course), despite the fact that the number of Christian fanatics these days seems favorably tied to the number of exposed serial child molesters in their ranks.

If we take the bait and assume the Conservatives are forces of evil, then they must also be capable of using frighteningly awful deeds to further their interests.

What if, throughout history, the Conservatives (who have worn many different political uniforms over the years, mind you--generally whatever was in fashion) have not only deliberately underfunded education in order to keep the sheep content with the ass-end of life, but also intentionally caused recessions and depressions in order for The Men in Charge, in the ensuing panic, to get a tighter grip on the throat of the populace, to stir up trouble that warrants extreme measures of their choosing, to gorge themselves on the public coffers, to gradually get power and weapons in subservient hands?

What if the these Reagan/Bush years we have endured of late represent the crowning achievement of The Men in Charge in their millenia-long struggle to tax its serfdom to unbelievable yet invisible amounts and their struggle to raise the largest army in the world without paying a dime?

They enact a big tax cut for the rich and a small tax cut for the working classes, then use all of it to pay their companies too much money to do things that are not needed, to let the banks they all own borrow our money interest-free and gamble it for profit--with no promise of repayment, and to reward themselves with exotic holidays to places where gay prostitutes know how to keep their mouths shut.

All it takes to achieve such heights, after all, is a nation of self-absorbed rubes, a tight grip on the reins of power, subtle yet effective propaganda, clever empty promises, the patience to turn the screws slowly, a complete lack of compassion when breaking a few billion eggs, and the wisdom to know the best time to strike.

It may not be true, but it may not be wrong. Regardless, every time you wonder how it is that we are living in such a fucked-up society, remember the wisdom of the Dude: "It's like Lenin said, you know? You look for the person who benefits and...y'know?"

Well, the Conservatives are the only ones benefiting these days, so it's not as far-fetched as it may sound at first blush that their generations-long agenda is crushing the blue-collar torso of our country like a gargantuan boa constrictor.

Every time the Liberals come in to rescue us after a bad stretch and we breathe a sigh of relief at their arrival, the Conservative Constrictor just laughs and squeezes a little tighter, that much closer to their goal.

It's all part of the plan.


Wall Animation

Minutes are more precious than ever these days, I know, but you should spend ten of yours on this at some point this week:

[Go full-screen on this guy]


Monday, July 5, 2010

Does This Surprise Anybody?

LOS ANGELES — "Ferris Bueller" actor Jeffrey Jones was charged Wednesday with failing to update his sex offender registration status, authorities said.

He pleaded no contest in 2003 in Los Angeles to a felony charge of employing a 14-year-old boy to pose for sexually explicit photos.

It is the second time the actor has been arrested for failing to keep his sex offender status current. He was arrested in Florida in 2004 for the same offense.
(courtesy HuffPo)
Oh, Mr. Rooney...I wish I could say I never saw this coming, but I actually wrote the following in my journal (the one with the mermaid riding the unicorn on the cover--a personal favorite) on September 25, 1987:
Mr. Rooney is funny, but in a creepy way. I felt the same thing when watching Amadeus at Gerald's sixth birthday party. Not that anybody asked, but if put on the spot, I would probably vote him 'Celebrity I Would Be Least-Excited About Sharing a Hot Tub With' and I would not be surprised in the least should he one day be arrested for failing to update his sex offender status, seven years after paying a 14-year-old boy to pose for gritty nude photographs intended for his illicit arousal.
Yes, then as now, I was quite the precocious young smart-ass.

Is it still adorable?