Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Is that a monkey in your girdle or are you just glad to see me?

A man was recently stopped by authorities in the Mexico City airport and discovered to have 18 tiny endangered monkeys in his girdle, two of them dead, all of them wrapped up in small sacks.

According to Huffington Post, when authorities asked the man what the fuck was going on, he told them "he was carrying the monkeys in a suitcase but decided to put them in his girdle 'so the X-rays wouldn't hurt them.'"

The Mirdle

First off, why does this man wear a girdle, if not for the sole purpose of smuggling monkeys? I have never met a man--especially from the Latin world--with a bulging belly that didn't seem proud of it, who didn't allow its burgeoning girth to stop them from pounding beers by the dozen and lounging on hammocks in the backyard while casually explaining to the TV how athletes could do what they are doing much better.

Secondly, does he really think the police give a shit where the contraband was packed? If he had left those poor little monkeys in his suitcase, he would have had the same problem once the baggage throwers heard starving baby monkeys crying in a suitcase full of eighteen squirming monkeys.

Something tells me this was his first time smuggling animals through customs, although I would love to hear the details of his success stories, should he readily offer them up to extend his fifteen minutes. Until then, all I can do is dream...
"Well, one time I locked a baby giraffe in a modified double-bass case filled with Cheetos and boarded a cruise ship from Mombasa to Miami. Another time I replaced my legs with black rhino horns and tap-tapped my way through customs dressed as a midget pirate."
Thank you world, for being full of such fascinating idiots.



Bgddy said...

Maybe if he would have tried smuggling 1 or 2 monkeys he would have made it. 18 seems a bit cocky.

Goodtime Charlie said...

Agreed. The going rate in Mexico for Titi monkeys (every little rich girl's favorite illicit pet?) is upwards of $1000. So either he was planning on making a killing or he figured--like slanted of old--that half of them would die en route and the strongest would be weeded out.

Goodtime Charlie said...

**slavers** not 'slanted'--fucking predictive text gets me every time...