When Will All the Strippers Meet Their One and Only?

Will it be the same day the video-game nerds get theirs? Will these two seemingly disparate worlds one day be cosmically linked, their union blessed by the good Lord, when the customers finally decide to buy the merchandise and the merchandise relents in order to retire to a life of comfort, boredom, painkillers, and torrid affairs with lawncare workers?


It isn't hard to imagine, since it seems just about anybody can find a perfect mate once they consult a computer and find a member of the opposite sex who also likes nachos and Spiderman 3.

Am I being cynical here or is hyper-convenient, low-risk, algorithmically-blessed, manufactured love more than a life raft for desperate/ugly people who would rather settle for something harmless than risk failing in their life-long quest for companionship?

Well, let us put our collective ear to the ground and gather some evidence the old-fashioned way, shall we?

"The first guy I dated was the one for me--I've never been more sure of anything in my whole life, despite my lack of any sort of comparative relationship. We have sex once a year, on his birthday, and I pretend not to notice how much time he spends looking at porn on his computer."

"We got engaged two weeks after we had our first webchat. We just had so much in common that we didn't want to waste any more time than we already had. I mean, he really wants to have kids and so do I. Since I'm 29 years old, I was at the point where that was really the only thing I was looking for in a man. LOL! It's kinda true, though..."

"Anyway, she reached for the potato salad at the exact same time as I went for the buttered poundcake a la mode at the TGIFriday buffet and as soon as our sausage-fingered hands accidentally touched, I immediately knew that, although we may have our differences, we will never, ever part ways, no matter how unhappy we will become."

Hmmmm...I remain unconvinced. It should be noted, however, that as I get around more than a Greyhound bus, I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to a man and a woman mating for life. Maybe it's sheer bliss?
That being said, here is my questionable advice to all those would be lovers out there:

Ladies: Stop expecting to meet your man on a yacht somewhere, since you've never even known anybody with a boat and you grew up in Wisconsin. Stop being so picky, expand your horizons, try it on with a lot more guys so you actually know a good thing when you find it. Your savior is near, but he probably has more hair on his back than you imagined.

Gentlemen: You're not all going to wind up married to a model. Lower your physical standards a bit and find a girl who's interesting, because no matter who you are, you two will be doing much more talking than fucking. Oh--and don't just get married because it's what you think you should do after college or because you're afraid you'll wind up alone. In addition to being depressed a lot, lonely old bachelors have a lot of fun--usually more than married old men. Instead of putting two kids through college, how about you take a sex vacation to Thailand four times a year? You have options.

There you have it. Now get out there and make it happen, people!

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