Saturday, February 20, 2010

I Mean...He COULD Have Been, Right? It's Not Like He Ever Had Sex With a Woman. Or Did He? Wait, Are You Avoiding the Question? Hello?

Perhaps as a return blow for being conspicuously absent on the Pope's list of the Ten Best Pop Albums of All Time, Elton John let him have it this week:

"I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems," John said in an interview posted on the website of US celebrity news magazine Parade.

"On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving. I don't know what makes people so cruel. Try being a gay woman in the Middle East -- you're as good as dead," said John, who is gay.

(courtesy Yahoo News/AFP)

The Pope responded with a brief comment uttered between naps on the expansive veranda of his opulent palace in Rome:

"You're probably right."

Kidding. The Pope didn't even realize Elton said this because his ears were inadvertently blocked for days when an avalanche of gold coins nearly buried him alive after a retaining wall in one of his numerous vaults gave way under the obscene load of charitable donations to the Catholic cause.

When staffers went to check on him during their weekly rounds and realized what had happened, they quickly rescued His Supreme Excellency, Ruler of Earth, from the eminently-avoidable catastrophe, but chose not to inform him of Sir Elton John's inflammatory speculation, lest their figurehead have a heart attack, which would necessitate another pesky search for a replacement bag of bones. Besides, why dignify that comment with a response, right? Right?

The Catholic League (the largest U.S. Catholic rights group, which, let's be frank, only exists because, goddamnit, the Catholic Church just can't get a fucking break...), however, was quick to respond:

"Jesus was certainly compassionate, but to say he was 'super-intelligent' is to compare the son of God to a successful game-show contestant," league president Bill Donohue said in a statement.

"More seriously, to call Jesus a homosexual is to label him a sexual deviant. But what else would we expect from a man who previously said, 'From my point of view, I would ban religion completely'?"

Huh. So...Jesus was not super-intelligent? Was he just 'kind of smart-ish, but regular' so as not to offend potential followers, who seem to only be drawn to the dumbest figureheads you can think of (Sarah Palin? Pat Robertson? Mitt Romney? George Bush?).

Also, "ban religion completely?" Did I need another reason to love this guy? No. Do I have one? Yes.

Long live the real King of Pop!


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