I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Chicken-Flavored Ice Cream!

They have couture clothing boutiques. They have million-dollar, custom-made jewelry. They have their own airline, day spas, and luxury hotels.

And now, thanks to that Boomerang Pets Party in London, dogs will soon have their first-ever ice cream truck.

Seriously. Foodies take note--the dogs will be eating something way more interesting than ChocoTacos--have you ever heard of gammon sorbet? You'll probably be eating it from a hipster gourmet food truck if the dogs approve.

To the Interweb!

The two flavors that are to be served from the ice cream truck are ‘dog eat hog world’ – gammon and chicken sorbet topped with a doggy biscuit and wrapped in a cone – and ‘canine cookie crunch’ – an assortment of various dog biscuits and ice cream flavors.  The group claims that a team of scientists conducted research to achieve the perfect recipe of ice cream for dogs through investigating the optimal balance of temperature, texture, and taste.

(courtesy PSFK.com)

OMG! Isn't that the cutest thing ever?!!!

I know the proceeds go to a charitable cause (Berkshire Search and Rescue Dogs), but still--THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR!

People are starving and dogs are eating ice cream and getting pedicures? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, Veronica.

What's next? Are dogs going to start living in beachfront mansions with a fleet of servants and millions in the bank for a rainy day? Oh wait, that already happened...

Thank you, doglovers of the world, for totally ruining my buzz after reading this.


[photos courtesy DailyMail]

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It's a Man's Life in the Modern Army

Okay, so that obscure Monty Python reference has nothing to do with this American men's magazine from the 1950s/60s, but I couldn't resist.

Anyway, how great is that magazine cover? "Chewed to bits by giant turtles."

Here are a few more I found on this website:

Human Hippopotamus

vs.

See what I mean?

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Have You Heard This?

For those of you out there who just can't be separated from your dog for ten minutes, treat your dog like a child, and make love to him/her...

For those of you tired of having your dog sometimes get a touch uncomfortable, not be waited on hand and foot every second of their lives, and--worst of all--being forced to mingle with those disgusting plebeian pets in the cargo hold of a mean old 'regular' airplane when the two of you fly off on your lover holidays...

PetAirways is for you!


Come on--your little pookie is worth it. Trust me.

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Purely Hypothetical Situation #148

If I were ever attacked by a mountain lion while camping with my wife and our two toddlers--and survived--what would I do next?

Well, since we're all about honesty here at GTC Headquarters, I would probably pack everybody in the car and cruise by the nearest whiskey vendor on my way to the hospital.

Were I some sort of fantastic moron, I would instead spend the night at the attack site, in a flimsy pop-up camper, with my helpless children marinating in a crib filled with gravy.

Okay, so this guy wasn't that dumb, but he was close!


Question of the day: What kind of asshole brings a chainsaw camping?

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I Would've Just Killed it

Some woman found a cat inside a cheap couch she bought. She decided to find the owner. Perhaps a better instinct than my own, but who's to be sure? Maybe its owner sexually abused it.

Either way-- It's big news.

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Monkeys Do the Darnedest Things!

There is something going on in the world of British journalism lately. Something scary. Something called "poor journalism."

Exhibit A

My favorite bits from the article:

The monkey named Brother Kwan, who killed his owner by throwing a coconut at his head

"The animal – named Brother Kwan – found the work tedious and strenuous but Mr Janchoom refused to let him rest, dishing out beatings if he refused to climb trees."

Really? How do you know Brother Kwan 'found the work tedious and strenuous,' journalist? Is that what he said when you interviewed him? What else did he have to say? Anything about me? A solution to the global financial crisis, perhaps? A recipe for an antidote to mankind's innate greed? I'd love to read through the transcripts of your interview tapes some day. Asshole.

"The dead man's wife said that the monkey had "seemed lovable" when they bought him for £130."

GBP130? How many fucking coconuts did this poor monkey have to pull down each day--at 4p each, street value (which seems cheap)--to earn his keep, once costs for his food, booze, and patent-leather shoe fetish are also taken into account? No wonder he killed the guy.

As for a chimpanzee mentioned in the article, Santino, who spent most of his free time over the last twelve years wisely gathering well-shaped projectiles to hurl at useless people who pay money to gawk at him:

"Scientists believe [Santino's] behaviour is the strongest proof yet that humans are not the only creatures which can make plans for the future."

Huh? What about all the animals that store up fat for hibernation? What about all the animals who gather up stores of food for the winter? What about all the animals who fly/swim/march their way back to breeding grounds for booty and procreation?

Such vague statements will not stand, man; they will not stand. Can we get no more details on why these scientists would make such an outrageous claim? Really, I could stand it; I could tolerate at least...four more lines of this article, maybe even forty. Because maybe there is a good explanation for it, but you didn't give it to me. This article kind of did.

Exhibit B

What is the cure for this poor-journalism illness ravaging London?

Shit, I don't know--I'm not a doctor, thankfully, since I've never met a happy one. So...ask somebody else who is--but not the drunk ones, or the ones in the pocket of the pharmaceutical industry. Wait--on second thought, before you go, I might as well hazard a guess, partly because I might be your best option, mostly in case it winds up being right: kill all suspected infected, salt the earth beneath them.

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