Gwyneth Paltrow Finally Gets Her Due

Yes, she sometimes has a penis; she's that talented.

In a ceremony presided over by Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II this morning in the throne room at Windsor Castle, everybody's favorite shining star Gwyneth Paltrow received what is heretofore considered the United Kingdom's highest honor--the title of 'Renaissance Woman.'

Since I know you are all wondering, yes--QEII was looking particularly fine in the early morning British fog, her devilishly toned flesh frustratingly obscured by a brown chenille Alexander McQueen muumuu that flew off the shelves at Harrod's by lunchtime.

Gwyneth even once mastered the art of pretending to use crutches in a photo

Flush from the thrill of receiving a meaningless honor she created for herself, Ms. Paltrow bubbled-over as she addressed legions of fans from atop the tall tower while twirling her lustrous blond locks and inadvertently calling to mind a much-more-beautiful, modern-day Rapunzel:

Call me crazy, but I think 'Dames' are so old-fashioned. I'm a modern woman! Who just happens to be a throwback to Leonardo Davinci because I work so much harder than everybody else and I'm blessed. This is fun for me, but mostly it's great to think that the whole world now has a decorated role model that doesn't smell like Judi Dench and exhibits mastery in everything she touches but isn't afraid to still giggle and fart.

At that, Ms. Paltrow began launching rice cakes into the rowdy throngs of worshippers below, occasionally posing for the paparazzi with a million-dollar smile (literally) as the starving masses at the base of the stone tower tore each other limb-from-limb for a taste of the good stuff.

Scotland Yard helps quell the ruthless rioters (Photo courtesy Reuters)

Nothing Is Sacred Editor-in-Chief Goodtime Charlie had the pleasure of sitting down with Her Paltrowness for a few moments today once Scotland Yard was able to sublimate the rioters and enforce a thousand-meter safe zone around a nearby Jamba Juice with three artillery battalions and a few studs on horseback.


Goodtime Charlie: My dear Gwyneth, you look ravishing--but you probably already knew that.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Haha. I did. But that doesn't mean it isn't still nice to hear. I love positive things, I just really love being positive.

This Is How Uncool I Am

Does this look cool to you?

I cannot imagine why it would ever be something to do, but apparently in England people like to get together and consume spoonfuls of powdered caffeine at parties.

Huh? Wha?

Recognize:

Last week, according to AOL Health, it came to light that Michael Lee Bedford, [a] British man, died after consuming "spoonfuls" of caffeine powder at a party with friends. AOL Health reports that Bedford had the equivalent of 70 energy drinks in his system at the time of his death in April. According to Dr. Eric Braverman, a lethal dose of caffeine would be about 10,000 milligrams — or 100 cups of coffee — the website reports. 

(courtesy Time.com)

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and bet there were no girls at this "party" and the guys were desperately trying to work up the 'caffeine courage' to fuck their pet robots in front of each other all night while they play videogames and laugh in high-pitched voices.

Either that or I guess I'm just not that cool anymore and it was not only a bitchin' party, but caffeine is also a breathtaking high I've been a stranger to for way too long.

Might be worth the experiment--I'll order a 60-gallon drum and see what happens. If it's empty in two weeks, break through my window, shoot me with a tranquilizer dart, strap me to a comfortable couch, and let me ride out the withdrawal til I'm back down among the mortals. A ride like that should be one you can walk away from.

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I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Chicken-Flavored Ice Cream!

They have couture clothing boutiques. They have million-dollar, custom-made jewelry. They have their own airline, day spas, and luxury hotels.

And now, thanks to that Boomerang Pets Party in London, dogs will soon have their first-ever ice cream truck.

Seriously. Foodies take note--the dogs will be eating something way more interesting than ChocoTacos--have you ever heard of gammon sorbet? You'll probably be eating it from a hipster gourmet food truck if the dogs approve.

To the Interweb!

The two flavors that are to be served from the ice cream truck are ‘dog eat hog world’ – gammon and chicken sorbet topped with a doggy biscuit and wrapped in a cone – and ‘canine cookie crunch’ – an assortment of various dog biscuits and ice cream flavors.  The group claims that a team of scientists conducted research to achieve the perfect recipe of ice cream for dogs through investigating the optimal balance of temperature, texture, and taste.

(courtesy PSFK.com)

OMG! Isn't that the cutest thing ever?!!!

I know the proceeds go to a charitable cause (Berkshire Search and Rescue Dogs), but still--THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR!

People are starving and dogs are eating ice cream and getting pedicures? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, Veronica.

What's next? Are dogs going to start living in beachfront mansions with a fleet of servants and millions in the bank for a rainy day? Oh wait, that already happened...

Thank you, doglovers of the world, for totally ruining my buzz after reading this.


[photos courtesy DailyMail]

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With All the Rain Lately, I'm Getting Worried About Teenagers This Summer...

Don't you hate it when you head home after a great summer night out with your hubby, only to find yourself covered in those annoyingly itchy teenager bites? Do swarms of teenagers prevent you from leaving your house to enjoy the fruits of your labors?

Well, your fucking troubles are over, man!

Simply purchase The Mosquito from Moving Sound Technologies for the low price of $1000 and those pesky teenagers will never again disrupt your picnic, outdoor concert, or garden party.

What is The Mosquito, you ask? Why, it is teenager repellent--to keep your lives teenager-free, of course!

Oh, How I Yearn for a Caveman Parliament...

I see they have the same problem across the polluted pond, as one anonymous--read: cowardly--conservative politician in the British government recently objected to an anti-poverty bill and it is now dead.

Say wha?

Well, I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, since we have discovered this year that one little prick in Congress can ostensibly shut down the entire legislative process (I'm looking at you, Jim Bunning. And you, too, Joe Lieberman. And you, too...just about every Republican Senator...).

Why is it that one person elected by the people of Kentucky or Connecticut or Leeds--or any region, for that matter--has such power over the fate of an entire nation?

It doesn't seem that far-fetched to say that Jim Bunning is more powerful than President Obama right now and what fucking sense does that make, considering the number of supporters each had in the last election?


I guess parliamentary procedure was written in stone long before it became so easy to be a lazy, sniveling, rich asshole owned by corporations and nobody ever expected it would come to this?

Could be.

Could be we're in need of some major reform--or widespread rebellion. I guess it's up to those in charge these days to choose their fate and something tells me they won't choose wisely.

Or, at the very least, one of them won't. And one person's opinion is all that matters in a democracy, right?

We're fucked.

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Better Than A Mango, Even

Since over 21 million people have viewed this shit since it was posted on the youtubes, I hope I'm not guilty of putting this under your nose for seconds.

But if you haven't seen it, you need to:

"They won't breastfeed forever. They will not breastfeed when they go to college or get married. It's never happened. It's never going to happen. Once you're out in that big bad world, that's it. There is no safe haven like being at mother's breast."

So...high school graduation is your cut-off? Way to set limits, you self-important, over-indulgent bitch. Yeah, your daughters will totally be ready for the real world by then, never having left their mother's teat, much less released her apron strings, staggering around their college campus like drunks in withdrawal, begging for breastmilk from passing strangers.

Can you imagine dating one of those girls when they get older? I mean, if they take to cocks as they did to the nipple, it might be alright. But something tells me the obsession won't translate and you'll be left holding a bag full of whiney bitch that will never want to live more than one mile from her mom's house and will almost certainly poke a hole in her diaphragm in order to have a baby to suckle for the next 18 years (momma's golden rule will not be broken).

Or maybe they'll play it cool and just get into erotic lactation? Or maybe they already are?

This is all just too gross. Yet another reason to stay far, far away from Wales (aka Cambria), as if their aversion to vowels and toothpaste wasn't already enough...


If you feel like getting a little deeper into the head of a woman who breastfeeds her child for a prolonged period of time, as I did this evening, much to my dismay, then check out this ridiculous piece of work to learn how a master suckler can jockey her mom's breasts to get the most out of them.

And feel free to browse the wikipedia entry on breastfeeding to learn the difference between foremilk and hindmilk, so that you'll always have something fascinating to talk about at parties.

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