But Where Do the Vampires Fit In?

Lassie, 101 Dalmations, Benji, Beethoven, Snow Dogs, Cats & Dogs, Must Love Dogs, Hotel for Dogs, Marley & Me...can we stop this inane shit already? Is anything with a dog in it automatically greenlit?

Seems like it:

"The book is driven by the reminiscences of Enzo, a family dog with a near-human soul and a philosopher's mind, who evaluates his life through the lessons learned by his human owner, the race-car driver Denny Swift."

If this doesn't sound like the stupidest idea ever, then I'll eat my own sock. And yours, too. I can hear the chatter at Harper during the editing process for Garth 'Turd Conductor' Stein right now in my cavernous cranium...

"Hmmmm it's readable...but you know what this story is missing? A dog narrator. Wait, no--a smart dog narrator."
"Brilliant--that's why you're the boss, Boss."
"That's right. Now rewrite it--we'll publish on Monday. [presses intercom] Cristina--get me Oprah on the horn. That big ole bitch is gonna love this shit..."

Patrick Dempsey? Has that guy carried a movie yet? He can't even carry a prime time soap!

What's next--will Drew Barrymore voice the dog? Or will it be animation staple Cliff Clavin from Cheers? At least Diablo Cody hasn't been tapped to adapt this fetid turd. Yet.


Bonus: More plot summary/critique

Editorial Reviews
From Publishers Weekly
If you've ever wondered what your dog is thinking, Stein's third novel offers an answer. Enzo is a lab terrier mix plucked from a farm outside Seattle to ride shotgun with race car driver Denny Swift as he pursues success on the track and off. Denny meets and marries Eve, has a daughter, Zoë, and risks his savings and his life to make it on the professional racing circuit. Enzo, frustrated by his inability to speak and his lack of opposable thumbs, watches Denny's old racing videos, coins koanlike aphorisms that apply to both driving and life, and hopes for the day when his life as a dog will be over and he can be reborn a man. When Denny hits an extended rough patch, Enzo remains his most steadfast if silent supporter. Enzo is a reliable companion and a likable enough narrator, though the string of Denny's bad luck stories strains believability. Much like Denny, however, Stein is able to salvage some dignity from the over-the-top drama. (May)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review
"Enzo ultimately teaches Denny and the reader that persistence and joie de vivre will see them through to the checkered flag. Stein...creates a patient, wise, and doggish narrator that is more than just fluff and collar. This should appeal to fans of both dogs and car racing." -- Library Journal

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You Look Hungry---Have Some Pajamas!

One day, months ago, when a friend chained me down and held my eyelids open, I saw something on the Oprah Winfrey Show that blew my mind. I swore I would write about it then, but I must have forgotten, so here it is now.

First off, for those of you that are unfamiliar, the Oprah Winfrey Show is a popular television show among women. The host, Oprah, is an awe-inspiringly vain, overweight, empowered woman whose softball interviewing tactics are beloved by PR reps across the nation. Viewers love it when she loses weight and gains it back, or when she unleashes the occasional "you go, girl!"

Anyway, this particular episode showcased the efforts of a handful of people who found, late in life, that charity was their calling, and abandoned their white-collar jobs or mommy duties to work full-time for their charitable causes.

One of the them was a guy who collected books and brought them to elementary schools in Nepal, so the children could have books to read and learn English. He then expanded the program to include children's books written in their native language.

Another--we'll call her Miss Stupidhead--started an organization that donated pajamas to poor children. It is called the Pajama Program.

"Please give me some pajamas..."

Now, keep in mind that these are not pajamas that were lying around somebody's house unused and then shipped in. These are, in a few cases, new pajamas that people purchased and donated; but in most cases, these were pajamas this woman purchased with money people donated.

Imagine this scenario:

"Hello, Miss Stupidhead, I'm pretty damn rich and I've started to feel guilty about it, so I'd like to give something back. A friend at my country club told me you run a charity that benefits underprivileged children and I would like to donate $500,000 to your cause."
"Oh, that's super! I can buy 50,000 pajamas with all that money! Think of how happy those children will be!"
"Umm...pajamas? I'd rather you spent it on food, medicine, education, clothes they can actually wear to school..."
"No--trust me. If there's one thing I learned growing up white and privileged, it's that the one thing poor children need above everything else is pajamas."
"Okay, you're the expert..."

As is her wont, Oprah surprised this woman, on-air, with thousands of pairs of pajamas purchased with funds donated from her viewers.

Again...donated cash turned into pajamas.

Why?

Why!!!