Ann Coulter Equates College Students with al-Qaida

Al-Qaeda, al-Qaida, al-Qa'ida, Qaeda...call them what you will, Bushites--the bottom line is they are the enemy and they are potentially everywhere, including Texas and the other 58 states.

Who are they? Irrelevant. Towel-heads. Brown people. Taxpayers. Liberals. Nuke 'em. God will sort 'em out. Whatever.

Noted foot-in-mouther Sarah Palin must have been busy watching the wet nurse breastfeed Trig as she gagged/Twittered, because this little number was left up to fellow conservative darling Ann Coulter (Hmm...the most prominent conservatives are Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin because...they are the best?)

"They hired me to give a speech, so I'm giving a speech. I do it all the time," she said. "I speak to a lot of groups and do not endorse them. I speak at Harvard and I certainly don't endorse their views. I've spoken to Democratic groups and liberal Republican groups that loooove abortion. The main thing I do is speak on college campuses, which is about the equivalent of speaking at an al-Qaida conference. I'm sure I agree with GOProud more than I do with at least half of my college audiences. But in any event, giving a speech is not an endorsement of every position held by the people I'm speaking to."

(courtesy Huffington Post)

"The main thing I do is speak on college campuses, which is about the equivalent of speaking at an al-Qaida conference."

Who is this supposed to insult more, al-Qaida or college students? Is she really equating ALL college students with al-Qaida members? Why? Because they're getting educated and don't just take whatever you try to cram down their throats? Has she ever met an al-Qaida member? Why are we listening to this woman again? Who IS she?

Ann Coulter was born in New York City, to rich parents, went to Cornell, then to Michigan, then was a law clerk in Kansas City, before she was scooped up by a Republican party desperate for pretty faces and controversy. She writes awful books and delivers awful speeches to anybody with deep pockets.

Seeing that Ann Coulter went to not one but TWO colleges, she's pretty much Public Enemy #1, as that of course implies that she is one of al-Qaida's most sophisticated operatives. Although I am unsure of her motives in revealing this new shit to the world--is she a double agent? triple agent?--many thanks to Imam Coulter, for it is now easier than ever to spot terrorists.

They are the ones who read books and think critically--and their names and addresses can conveniently be found in the admissions department at any college in the country.

Get out your guns, people! Kill the nerds that hate your freedom!

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What Does Bristol Palin Spend $1750/Month On?

So, let me get this straight:

Bristol Palin knowingly violates the moral code of her church and state by drinking underage and having pre-marital sex, gets pregnant, has the baby mostly so that her mom can't be held politically responsible for presiding over an abortion, won't let the father be a part of their life, and is then rewarded by the courts with $1750 every month out of his pocket, as she cavorts around the country with her millionaire-celebrity mom, making six figures as a spokeswoman and actress?

I'm hardly a fan of Levi Johnston, since I could give a shit what that guy is up to, but it seems ridiculous that he needs to pay her any money, much less a sum that princely. She shut him out of her life! She lives with her parents! She doesn't even need to pay rent! She's on her mom's health-care plan!

Also, keep in mind that she lives in Alaska, where the cost of living is hardly at Manhattan levels and every resident receives money from the state ($1000-4000/year) in exchange for allowing oil companies to mercilessly rape the pristine wilderness.

Wouldn't $500/month for food, diapers, and booze be enough?

Which begs the question: What does Bristol Palin spend all that money on, since we know she is not smart enough to save any of it for the future?

Here are a few educated guesses:

1. Daily mani/pedis at the most expensive salon in town, so she can catch up on all the latest gossip and look like at least $100

2. Discreet male escorts to meet her increasingly-depraved sexual needs, but only once a week (date night!!), since that asshole Levi has her on such a strict budget

3. Lobster pudding by the case, since her baby deserves to be spoiled

4. Rose petals, ball-gags, and travel expenses for her two enslaved high-school nemeses, in order for them to be able to spread flowers in her path wherever she may go

5. Installment payments on a boob job, to improve her chances for a post-whatever-this-is acting career

I mean, whatever, right? Why not? Are you saying you know how to live her life better than she does? What would YOU spend it on? Socialism? Death panels? Killing adorable babies?

You make me sick...

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...and the Idiot of the Day Award goes to...

Rajkumar Karotia, of India, who narrowly beat out Sarah Palin and every resident of Texas in the voting this morning.

Pankaj Kishore Karotia, a 21-year-old Indian groom, was shot and killed by his uncle at his own wedding celebration, after a "revelry shot" went horribly wrong.

Karotia's bride had been waiting for him in the car as the wedding party drew to a close in Noida, India. His uncle, Rajkumar Karotia, drew a licensed pistol to shoot a celebratory shot in the air. As the pistol was loaded, a shot accidentally went out, hitting the groom in the head.

"He was eager and excited about the wedding and was attempting to fire in the air to mark the end of the wedding," said the groom's father, Kishore Karotia. "The bullet hit my son on his head."

The groom was taken to hospital but soon died. His uncle has been arrested for culpable murder.

(courtesy Huffington Post)

Rajkumar has the enviable choice of not one but two major awards--life in prison among the rats, rapists, and excrement, or a self-inflicted bullet to his own head as he awaits a speedy trial.

What will he choose? Well, with all the excitement swirling around old Rajkumar today, it's hard to tell which way he's leaning, but once things settle down we should know one way or the other.

I'll keep you posted--it's what I do...

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Everybody Wants to Be a Soprano

I didn't think $10,000 could buy that much these days, but I guess I was wrong.

Troopergate et al in Wasila, Blagojevich gets caught selling a Senate seat, Sanford is busted hypocritically lying about an affair, California goes bankrupt trying to please every special interest around, now it's New Jersey's turn for a black eye.

The surprising thing is not that several mayors and state officials were guilty of rampant corruption--I'm no babe in the suburbs here--and not even that they had the rare luck to get caught and indicted for it, but rather that we are talking about such paltry sums.

Ten grand? I know those piles start to add up (I hear), but still...bold. And stupid. Congratulations, assholes!


My two favorite parts of the story:

Levy-Izhak Rosenbaum of Brooklyn, was accused of enticing vulnerable people to give up a kidney for $10,000 and then selling the organ for $160,000.

Is 'ten grand' some kind of religious hocus pocus that gets people to do anything a rabbi wants him to? Who the hell would sell a kidney for $10,000? How often did this work? Why am I not in this line of work?

Also:

The timing of the investigation dovetails with the timing of bank fraud charges against Solomon Dwek, son of the founders of the Deal Yeshiva, a religious school that teaches children in the Sephardic Jewish tradition. Mr. Dwek passed a $25 million bad check at a PNC Bank branch in 2006, according to The Asbury Park Press.

What? Who the hell tries to pass off a bad check for TWENTY-FIVE MILLION dollars? How does one find the courage to attempt such a daring feat?

"No, don't worry about it--it's reverse psychology, man--it's SO much money that they will be LESS suspicious than if it's just for some little skidmark like $10,000. Cuz, like, who would ever have the balls for such a thing? Right? Trust me."
"Well, okay--but we should definitely have the rabbi take it in, just to be safe, so we can have religion on our side..."
"Oh, of course--I was thinking the same thing."

The next day, at a PNC Bank in the ghetto...

"Alright, I just need to call in to check on this and then we'll be all set."
"Oh, you don't need to call it in--it's real."
"We're talking about $25 million here--I need to check with the account holder."
"Come on, you can trust me--I'm a rabbi!"
"I don't trust anybody--I'm a banker. Excuse me."

Ha, ha, ha--what an idiot, right? It's good to laugh.


And it's okay, too, because--as the article notes three times--the Jews involved were not the average, everyday Jews you know and love, the kind that only go to temple for high holidays and often remind you of the Holocaust neither of you were around for, but never of the fact that their unnecessary (and not universally beloved) land theft to create Israel is one of the main reasons the United States/Nations is involved in an endless war on terrorism; the kind that it is NOT okay to have a laugh at, ever, in light of their eternal suffering, yadda yadda.

These were Syrian Jews, so, you know, they might as well be straight-up towelheads, right? Where is Syria on a map, right? No big surprise to John Q. Public that they are a corrupt and devious fringe branch of the Jewish faith--the shock is the absence of a sensational, Rove/Cheney/Murdoch-planted mention of a potential link to Al-Qaeda in the article.


In other news, a Catholic priest just confessed to raping 1000 little boys over the last 40 years and repeatedly lying about it in court. He was sentenced to ten Hail Marys and transferred to a different parish to end his days in peace and pleasure.

Thank God for confession, right? Heaven will be so sweet...

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Ambition Should Be Made of Sterner Stuff

Have you heard the latest about Sarah Palin?

Oh, bosh--of course you have. But--have you seen this edited video of her rambling resignation speech?

It's fairly priceless.

Why? Well...there's just something deliciously enthralling about watching an idiot end her career--on camera, on her terms--and not even know it.


Update: It seems the story has gotten even funnier.

My favorite line:

"Let me state my reasons in plain English without any sports analogies: I'm resigning because I feel I can be a more effective leader operating from the sidelines. I'm no bench warmer," she added.

What a stupid fucking bitch. Can she just leave us all alone already? Before some crazy liberal snaps and kills her with an Uzi (for hunting)? Does the world need another celebrity death on its hands? What will we talk about if they all perish? What?!!!!!

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Fifty Years Young

Purchased from the Russian Empire in 1867 for $7.2 million, Alaska has since proven to be worth at least twice that amount. As a result, instead of lamenting our idiocy at giving it back, today marks the 50th anniversary of Seward's Folly becoming the 49th American state. Now I know you all have elaborate festivities of your own planned (speaking of, who's playing Eisenhower this year? Why not mix things up and try a woman? Cross-dressing is SO fifties...), but let's get to the heart of the matter here and ask the tough question Americans want answered: what is foxiest governor of the year Sarah Palin doing to celebrate?

Insulated by her powerful politico-business allies, fierce entourage, extreme wealth, and remote location, I am sadly only able to speculate on Ms. Palin's planned festivities. That being the case, there is a lot to be said about educated guesses, so here goes nothing...


Ms. Palin's day began at 10am, when she begrudgingly awoke from her favorite recurring dream--in which she becomes the oldest woman to win the Miss Universe pageant by successfully blowing the heads off every delegate at the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen during the always-crucial talent portion of the evening.

She was just getting to the best part, where Hawaiian-Tropic-supplied prize George Clooney and host Mario Lopez coax her into a wet and wild double-team in the hot tub backstage after the show, when her good-for-nothing asshole of a husband, Todd, woke her up with breakfast in bed.

The real treat was not the breakfast itself, though fit for a queen, but rather its unfamiliar and magnificent vessel--an elegant, velvety tray made out of the noses of hundreds of baby polar bears Todd and his BP cronies ran down with his company Hummer last month while on a vicious backwoods-oil-man bender the likes of which George Bush could not even imagine. The fact that he would do all that hard work for her meant so much more than if he had just bought one from the Halliburton catalog like all those rich, big-city Anchorage bitches had done. Her love for Todd Six-Pack was briefly restored.

Karima, her beautiful young Eskimo slave, brought in Ms. Palin's favorite Versace pantsuit--freshly laundered after the accidental spilling of an entire 5-liter bottle of Carlo Rossi Merlot on the crotch when she fell asleep while watching Wheel of Fortune on her lunch break the other day--and Ms. Palin giggled with delight, clapping her hands together like a baby seal. She was going to be the best dressed woman at the Wow-Wow-Wasilla Beauty Parlor for the 60th consecutive day.

After Karina sponge-bathed her (she has a deep-set fear of running water), brushed her teeth, blow-dried her hair, troweled on some makeup, and clothed her, Ms. Palin smacked her across the face with a decorative bronze moose that she always keeps next to the sink, has since college, because she suddenly thought that Todd might find Karina more attractive than her and she couldn't stand it.

On her way out the bedroom door, Ms. Palin stopped to urinate on her uneaten breakfast, lest Karina think it fit for her lips and enjoy it and not let it go right to her hips, the little bitch. Ms. Palin didn't realize it, but a small stripe of wetness would be visible on the seat of her pants for the rest of the day, and everybody would laugh about it behind her back.

Just as Ms. Palin zipped up and smiled at her work, her 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, came running into the bedroom with screaming newborn baby Tripp.
"Mom, what do I do? He's crying and he won't stop and Track and Piper and Willow and I are all going crazy and Track said he'll kill it with a knife if it doesn't stop."
"I don't know--did you feed it?"
"Ewww. No way... I don't want my breasts to get all big and saggy and gross. Besides, I wanna go shopping. Can't you do it?"
"Ugh--tell Karina to stop all that racket and start pumping. Trig--you retard! Get back into your cage! Karina! Get down here and do your job! Jesus Fucking Christ, I need some goddamn quiet. I'm going to the office."

Little did Ms. Palin know, Karina was already lactating. She was six-months pregnant with Todd Palin's child and at her wit's end. She hoped the vicious blow to the head this morning would cause a miscarriage and maybe even help her to forget that awful night Todd raped her on the air hockey table in the basement. But she knew that she probably wouldn't be that lucky, so, as she tried to stop the flow of blood from her head and fed the screaming infant from her swollen bosom, Karina continued brainstorming ways to kill the entire Palin family and get away with it.

As Ms. Palin revved up her Chevy Suburban in the driveway, and sang along with the latest Travis Tritt joint---so delicious---she smiled to herself. She is such a good mother. This smile lasted the entire ride to the nail salon, the duration of the soothing mani/pedi (comped in exchange for protection), and the 50-mile drive to her office in Anchorage.

After spending her $58 in taxpayer-funded per diem (since Anchorage is neither her home nor the capitol) on a box of Franzia Chillable Red, a See's Chocolate sampler, and a handle of Jim Beam (to help finally convince her second assistant to do dirty things) at the sundries shop in the lobby of her building, Ms. Palin rode the elevator to her second-floor office.

Sean Parnell, her plucky Lieutenant Governor, was all smiles upon her arrival.
"Hey, Sarah, can you meet us in the conference room? We have a special budget meeting planned."
"Oh, Christ, Sean--can't that wait til later? Dieter is coming by in like 10 minutes to show me some new automatic rifles he just got in."
"Oh...uhmm...okay...well...can you just come in for a second? I just need the ole Jane Hancock on an executive order banning trees in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge."
"Alright..."

And so Ms. Palin thrust open the doors of the conference room to find her entire staff waiting for her, gathered around a large chocolate sheet cake. Confused, knowing it was neither her birthday nor the anniversary of her coronation, she looked closely at the writing on the cake:

"Happy 50th, Alaska, you sly sled dog!"

Her mouth agape, still making no sense of the situation, she looked over at Sean.
"What does that mean?"
"Well, as you know, today is the 50th anniversary of Alaska becoming a state..."
"Wait---I though we were a country?"

Before anybody could think of an appropriate response, Ms. Palin, having eaten nothing all day in an attempt to fit into her high-school bikini for the upcoming Miss Universe pageant, passed out and fell directly into the cake. Everybody laughed and went to Chili's for an earlier-than-usual happy hour.

Happy 50th, Alaska!

Ten Things I Hated About 2008

1. Deranged bitch Sarah Palin and everybody who thought it was a good idea to get her onto the national political scene. The only positive thing was all the comedy that ensued; comedy which would have made things even worse if nobody listened to it and voted her into office. It's bad enough I have Arnold Schwarzenegger as my governor...


2. The fact that the world seems content to allow a group of ragtag pirates terrorize seafaring vessels at-will off the coast of Somalia. We kill innocent people all across the globe, have been for decades, and yet we can't rid the world of a couple dozen pesky pirates? We know where they live, we know how many hostages they have...but we do nothing. Can't we let those disgraced asshole Blackwater dudes redeem themselves with a covert murder mission or something? Seems fair to me...


3. California's Proposition 8 passed. Due to the Mormon church and other useless religious organizations. I agree with Karl Marx's assertion that "[religion] is the opium of the people. The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is the demand for their real happiness." It's time we finally separate church and state, before religious fearmongers steal all our freedom. Please?


4. All the assholes that caused the horrific financial crisis currently gripping our globe will never pay for their crimes; rather, their bonuses this year will merely be reduced to 25 times my annual salary. And they might have to sell one of their SoHo pied-a-terre in order to continue paying Bennington girls to spank them with their Freemasonry paddles.


5. Still, always--farmers, merchants, businessmen...nobody realizes that a good year may be an exception and that they should not expect every year to be as good as their best. I find it hard to feel sorry for a farmer who purchased 5000 extra dairy cows after a good year and now cannot sell their milk. I find it hard to feel sorry for a store that excessively stocked up on merchandise it now cannot sell. I find it hard to feel sorry for a company that spent lavishly, gave away all its profits in dividends, hired unnecessary employees, and now finds itself in debt. Good. Drown yourselves in debt, get the fuck out of the marketplace, and let the smart people play the game. Oh, wait--the smart people are all at home drinking bourbon and making love, forever unemployed, forever happy. Play on, demented cowboys, play on.


6. Automakers still refuse to make sexy, environmentally-conscious cars. What is it about the different engines that require ugly bodies? Is it like how responsible people tend to be less attractive than reckless ones? Hmmm...is there a correlation between responsibility and sexiness that rules all matter in the galaxy? Maybe...


7. The fact that crime will always pay more than honesty results in an ever-more-dangerous world. Take this story as a prime example. Just as the greed and carelessness of the men on Wall Street resulted in financial turmoil, the greed and carelessness of law men and politicians the world over will always result in social turmoil. Money talks much more effectively than constituents and consciences.


8. The exponential increase in shittiness in the entertainment industry. Across the board. Music, movies, television, theater. Great movies just aren't being made anymore (last year's Assassination of Jesse James being the rare exception). TV shows suck more than ever (Pushing Daisies, Cashmere Mafia, The Hills...). Music on the radio is appalling (Beyonce? Vampire Weekend? I'd rather hear Ravi Shankar in an endless loop until I die). Theater is dead (replaced by Wicked, et al). Even literature is out the window (did any good books come out in the last...five years? No wonder Wallace left us.) Please read further as to why this is the case.


9. The continued invasion of eHarmony on the lives of the populace. An annoying increase in commercials and web advertising, now they're not even satisfied with just controlling people's dating lives? Who needs a website run by this dude to tell them how to run their marriage? I understand that they don't like to lose their customers, but I think there's a better way to achieve the same end: focus on promiscuity and your customer base will be coughing up money til they die.


10. The fact that the housing crisis has still not rendered homes affordable to the vast majority of people I know who have jobs. Who cares if a house that used to be $700,000 is now only $500,000. How the hell is anybody supposed to save $50,000 for a 10% down payment? And then drop $3500 a month on a mortgage for the next 30 years? (Which results in a lifetime payment of $1.2 million on the $500,000 house, by the way. Do the math.)
Do we all have to become bankers? Who will bake our bread?!


There you have it, folks. Hope it tarnished your New Year's optimism with a smudge of reality. Happy things still to come...

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