Sunday, January 17, 2010

A New Low

As if that poster isn't enough to make you vomit uncontrollably for the rest of your life, check out this summary from 20th Century Fox:
Derek Thompson is 'The Tooth Fairy,' a hard-charging minor league hockey player whose nickname comes from his habit of separating opposing players from their bicuspids. When Derek discourages a youngster's hopes, he's sentenced to one week's hard labor as a real tooth fairy, complete with the requisite tutu, wings and magic wand. At first, Derek "can't handle the tooth" – bumbling and stumbling as he tries to furtively wing his way through strangers' homes…doing what tooth fairies do. But as Derek slowly adapts to his new position, he begins to rediscover his own forgotten dreams.
Now, I don't blame The Rock for taking the $15-20 million payday and not giving a shit about what his employers make him do and say--I mean, come on, it's way better work than acting in a pointless homoerotic soap opera for an abusive audience of retarded rural morons--but Howie Mandel and Lowell Ganz (along with the other four credited writers, executive producers, development execs, and anybody else whose hands brushed against this turd) should be shot in the face, driven out to the desert, and left for the vultures.

Or, at the very least, they should all be stripped of their salaries and barred from ever being involved in the entertainment industry for the rest of their lives.

What movie ideas did Fox turn down in order to greenlight this piece of shit? Were they all pornos starring Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman? Is their development pool really this shallow?

I think those unfortunate suits in Century City need to lend me their ears for twenty minutes sometime this week so that I can blow their minds with a handful of random, off-the-cuff ideas that don't suck.

Or they could just devote their entire production budget over the next ten years to Avatar sequels, since that's the only movie on Fox's 2009-2011 slate that I would ever want to see...



Anonymous said...

interested to hear your take on the golden globes. i saw james cameron & co. win at the end (after hearing at least three references during the show to avatar's box office take), and all i could think of was: "the triumph of commerce over art". not that the two haven't been incestuous bedfellows since the silent era, but it seems like with this, and with the oscars expanding to 10 best picture nominees so as to include blockbusters pretentious and otherwise (the dark night, etc.), that we're finally leaving behind the gestures toward a middle brow audience that award winners should have redeeming artistic value.

get ready for next year's oscar winner - "ass: the movie"!

(my frustration isn't helped by having spent the last few days reading film comment's year-end and decade-end wrapups. it just makes more glaring the disjuncture between the films valued by smart, thoughtful people, and the ones that get all the buzz and win all the awards.)


Goodtime Charlie said...

well, you inspired me to write a post about my thoughts...