Friday, January 1, 2010

Dick Clark's Reanimated Corpse Ushers in Yet Another New Year

This was the best shot on the roll

Not sure how many of you caught it because, let's be honest, why would you, but while I was being tortured by a ruthless serial killer earlier this evening in a dingy garage across the street from Paramount Studios, I happened to catch some of the Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest and it was...jaw-dropping.

Ole Dick's dayglo orange skin, drooling, and glassy unblinking eyes aside, he was nearly incomprehensible and sounded more than mildly retarded. And he was probably wearing a soiled diaper. Did his people really think this was a good idea? Did the network execs really think this was a good idea? Did he even realize what was happening?

Children are watching this program and something you just can't erase from a child's memory. It's not like he's a retarded kid and you figure, "aw--well, it's nice he's on TV. Probably made his life." This is Dick Clark. This is New Year's Eve. Is he so egocentric that the show cannot legally go on without him, regardless of whether or not it is a good idea? Will a jar of his ashes get a mandated close-up in the years to come?

Or is there something more sinister afoot?

Have the numerous mad scientists in his employ finally managed to fuse Dick Clark's living tissue to the concept of New Years Eve? They said it could never be done, but...were they wrong? Will New Years never again be possible without several creepy minutes of footage featuring Dick Clark's embalmed corpse brought to life by a drunk ventriloquist?

I sure hope so.

I also hope J.Lo gets a slap in the face from somebody for wearing this ridiculous outfit on the show last night:

And that the drunk ventriloquist can countdown more successfully next year:

Oh, and by the way--I escaped from that serial killer by using my cunning. He is now safely (?) behind bars in a prison made entirely from frozen Eggo waffles (the real reason for the shortage--sorry middle America) that will orbit the Earth for eternity. Thanks for asking...